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We are fast becoming the pornographic society. Over the course of the last decade, explicitly sexual images have crept into advertising, marketing, and virtually every niche of American life. This ambient pornography is now almost everywhere, from the local shopping mall to prime-time television.

By some estimations the production and sale of explicit pornography now represents the seventh-largest industry in America. New videos and internet pages are produced each week, with the digital revolution bringing a host of new delivery systems. Every new digital platform becomes a marketing opportunity for the pornography industry.

To no one’s surprise, the vast majority of those who consume pornography are males. It is no trade secret that males are highly stimulated by visual images, whether still or video. That is not a new development, as ancient forms of pornography attest. What is new is all about access. Today’s men and boys are not looking at line pictures drawn on cave walls. They have almost instant access to countless forms of pornography in a myriad of forms.

But, even as technology has brought new avenues for the transmission of pornography, modern knowledge also brings a new understanding of how pornography works in the male brain. While this research does nothing to reduce the moral culpability of males who consume pornography, it does help to explain how the habit becomes so addictive.

As William M. Struthers of Wheaton College explains, “Men seem to be wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.”

Struthers is a psychologist with a background in neuroscience and a teaching concentration in the biological bases of human behavior. In Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, Struthers presents key insights from neuroscience that go a long way toward explaining why pornography is such a temptation for the male mind.

“The simplest explanation for why men view pornography (or solicit prostitutes) is that they are driven to seek out sexual intimacy,” he explains. The urge for sexual intimacy is God-given and essential to the male, he acknowledges, but it is easily misdirected. Men are tempted to seek “a shortcut to sexual pleasure via pornography” and now find this shortcut easily accessed.

In a fallen world, pornography becomes more than a distraction and a distortion of God’s intention for human sexuality. It comes as an addictive poison.

Struthers explains:

Viewing pornography is not an emotionally or physiologically neutral experience. It is fundamentally different from looking at black and white photos of the Lincoln Memorial or taking in a color map of the provinces of Canada. Men are reflexively drawn to the content of pornographic material. As such, pornography has wide-reaching effects to energize a man toward intimacy. It is not a neutral stimulus. It draws us in. Porn is vicarious and voyeuristic at its core, but it is also something more. Porn is a whispered promise. It promises more sex, better sex, endless sex, sex on demand, more intense orgasms, and experiences of transcendence.

Pornography “acts as a polydrug,” Struthers explains. As Dr. Patrick Carnes asserts, pornography is “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” Boredom and curiosity lead many boys and men into experiences that become more like drug addiction than is often admitted.

Why men rather than women? As Struthers explains, the male and female brains are wired differently. “A man’s brain is a sexual mosaic influenced by hormone levels in the womb and in puberty and molded by his psychological experience.” Over time, exposure to pornography takes a man or boy deeper along “a one-way neurological superhighway where a man’s mental life is over-sexualized and narrowed. This superhighway has countless on-ramps but very few off-ramps.”

Pornography is “visually magnetic” to the male brain. Struthers presents a fascinating review of the neurobiology involved, with pleasure hormones becoming linked to and released by the experience of a male viewing pornographic images. These experiences with pornography and pleasure hormones create new patterns in the brain’s wiring, and repeated experiences formalize the rewiring.

And then, enough is never enough. “If I take the same dose of a drug over and over and my body begins to tolerate it, I will need to take a higher dose of the drug in order for it to have the same effect that it did with a lower dose the first time,” Struthers reminds us. So, the experience of viewing pornography and acting out on it creates a demand in the brain for more and more, just to achieve the same level of pleasure in the brain.

While men are stimulated by the ambient sexual images around them, explicit pornography increases the effect. Struthers compares this to the difference between traditional television and the new high definition technologies. Everything is more clear, more explicit, and more stimulating.

Struthers explains this with compelling force:

Something about pornography pulls and pushes at the male soul. The pull is easy to identify. The naked female form can be hypnotizing. A woman’s willingness to participate in a sexual act or expose her nakedness is alluring to men. The awareness of one’s own sexuality, the longing to know, to experience something as good wells up from deep within. An image begins to pick up steam the longer we look upon it. It gains momentum and can reach a point where it feels like a tractor-trailer rolling downhill with no brakes.

Wired for Intimacy is a timely and important book. Struthers offers keen and strategic insights from neurobiology and psychology. But what makes this book truly helpful is the fact that Struthers does not leave his argument to neuroscience, nor does he use the category of addiction to mitigate the sinfulness of viewing pornography.

Sinners naturally look for fig leaves to hide sin, and biological causation is often cited as a means of avoiding moral responsibility. Struthers does not allow this, and his view of pornography is both biblical and theologically grounded. He lays responsibility for the sin of viewing pornography at the feet of those who willingly consume explicit images. He knows his audience–after all, his classrooms are filled with young male college students. The addict is responsible for his addiction.

At the same time, any understanding of how sin works its deceitful evil is a help to us, and understanding how pornography works in the male mind is a powerful knowledge. Pornography is a sin that robs God of his glory in the gift of sex and sexuality. We have long known that sin takes hostages. We now know another dimension of how this sin hijacks the male brain. Knowledge, as they say, is power.

Crossroads is one of the latest resources from Ed Welch. It is an excellent written resource for addictions groups.

Welch speaks with both a wealth of biblical knowledge and a wealth of experience in this area. He is a counselor at the Christians Counseling and Educational Foundation. He has over two decades of counseling experience, a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology with a neuro-psychology specialty, and a Master of Divinity degree. He is an author of numerous books and a professor of practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary.

Crossroads also has a Facilitators Guide for those who are leading groups.

Today’s podcast is part of a conversation I had with best-selling author and international speaker, Gary Thomas.

In an effort to reject sinful pleasure, Christians can easily reject pleasure altogether, even feeling guilty about pursuing pleasure. Today Gary will talk about how his new book, Pure Pleasure, encourages Christians to pursue God-given pleasures in a God-pleasing way, and how this pursuit helps us fight temptations to do evil.

Gary is the author of 11 books and over 150 articles published in major magazines. He is a regular speaker at conferences, retreats, college campuses, and has helped thousands of married couples through his popular Sacred Marriage seminars. He holds an honorary Doctor of Divinity from Western Seminary and a Masters degree from Regent College in Vancouver, where he studied under Dr. J.I. Packer.

This week we are featuring a series of podcasts for pastors and other ministry professionals who are secretly struggling with pornography and other sexual temptations.

Today we will hear from Dr. Harry Schaumburg, co-founder of Stone Gate Resources, a ministry that offers brief, intensive counseling for the sexually broken. Dr. Schaumburg is the author of False Intimacy, a book that has become a classic in sexual addiction circles.

Recently he wrote Undefiled, a book born out of 18 years of experience in counseling.

Today Dr. Schaumburg will talk about his new book and share a strong message of encouragement to ministry leaders who are struggling with sexual sin.

I first read Shepherding a Child’s Heart in the late nineties as a requirement for my MA Counseling Program. This was before our current 7-year old was born. Therefore, I was reading this book because I had to, rather than reading it for immediate application.

God changed my mind about the stated purpose of this book, and I began to make immediate, specific and practical application to my life. The application was not for my future kids. God, in his providential mercy, began to affect my heart. This book was not only for me, but it was about me.

My life story began to unfold from its pages. Tedd Tripp brought clarity to my childhood and how those early shaping influences had formed me into the person I am today.

He also gave me hope that I was not bound to some kind of genetic, familial or cultural determinism, but by the power of the Gospel I could be changed from those early childhood shaping influences and could be progressively transformed into deeper and more comprehensive Christlikeness.

It is one of those rare books that communicates bible truths so well that in a small way it imitates the bible by showing me a mirror in which I can see more clearly who I really am and what I can be.

If I could rename the book, I would call it Shepherding a Person’s Heart rather than Shepherding a Child’s Heart because it really does not matter what age you are or whether you have children.

The point and focus of the book has immediate application for any reader regardless of their season of life.
God did a wonderful work in my heart through the reading of this book as I learned to put into practice the following truths:

• The foundation for change must be rooted in the Gospel. This starting point will affect my ending point.
• You never ask if you are worshiping, but who or what are you worshiping.
• There have been many shaping influences in my life that have oriented me in very specific ways.
• My goal and primary focus must be toward God rather than anything else.
• The starting place for change is not external behavior, but my heart.
• Correction is not primarily about the parent or the child, but about God.
• The event of salvation is not the goal as much as the nurturing process toward salvation and beyond.

There are many more truths, practicums, warnings and encouragements in Tedd’s book that make it a must read for anyone. I recommend you read it slowly rather than “just another book to get through.” Every now and then God gives us a book that stands the test of time because of its grounded theology and practical wisdom.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart is such a book.

Tedd’s little brother, Paul, has written the companion book for parents of teenagers, called Age of Opportunity. I have read this book as well and have found this tandem of books to be essential in child-rearing.

- Rick Thomas

But before I could write a blind endorsement of this book, I decided to send a few copies to some trusted friends, a few women who have been through this struggle in their marriages and some renowned relationship experts. As I received their comments about Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy, I was pleased to see all of them give a glowing endorsement of the book. (I will quote them below in this review.)

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The Authors

Clay Crosse is a three-time Dove-Award-winning musician. He and his wife, Renee, are the founders of Holy Homes, a ministry born out of the pain of their own struggles with pornography.

When Clay and Renee Crosse wrote their first book, I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken By Pornography, many couples found hope and healing in its pages. By telling their own story of Clay’s fixation on pornography and how it affected their marriage, the Crosses have helped other couples see they are not alone in their struggles. Sometimes nothing is more comforting than knowing someone else has already walked a hard road before you.

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What the Book Is

Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy is a book designed for a wives’ support/recovery group. The book leads a group through eight sessions, each about 90 minutes long. Each session follows the same basic outline:

• Getting Started – opening discussion activities, group prayer, and overview of session objectives

• Discovering the Truth – presents timeless principles for the group to discuss

• Embracing the Truth – challenges women to examine their attitudes and behaviors in light of divine truth

• Connecting – encourages wives to discuss their resistance to change and the difficulties they might encounter when applying biblical truth

• Taking It Home – offers practical suggestions on how to implement a new pattern of behavior, as well as ways for each member of the group to prepare for the next session

The book also gives many helps for group leaders, including specific instructions about how to prepare for each session, and a general guide about leading a successful group.

Founder of Redemptive Heart Ministries, Mark Gaither, comments that the book “takes wounded wives by the shoulders to assure them that while the process will be difficult, they have been promised divine help. And because it is specifically designed for a small group study, women can be assured they need not persevere alone.”

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What the Book Is Not

Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy assumes each reader’s husband has reached a place of repentance; therefore, the study is best used in this context. This book is not necessarily for women whose husbands continue to sin. While some women in this position will find relief through this study, they may find it more frustrating than helpful.

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Starting Where We Are

Renee and Clay wisely begin the healing process by meeting women where they are, titling the first four of eight chapters after the self-talk they undoubtedly hear: “This Can’t Be Happening”; “Is This My Fault?”; “How Can I Ever Trust Him Again?”; and “I’m Done with This.”

Each chapter guides wives along a well-marked path from helplessness to determination. Porn to Purity author, Marsha Fisher, comments, “I like the way the book provides participants with a road map for navigating this unfamiliar territory. When the discovery of pornography is made, a spouse’s world is turned upside down. She is looking for a path to follow and this study provides the path—eight steps rooted in Scripture women can take on the road to restoration.”

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Biblical Teaching, Personal Testimony, and Community

Marsha Fisher also comments, “When a wife finds out that her husband is addicted to pornography, she believes (wrongly) that they are the only ones with this problem. Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy shares the stories of several women who have not only walked in the readers shoes, but found the road to healthy recovery as they grow closer to the Lord.” Throughout the study readers will see many personal letters from hurting women and helpful “Word from Renee” sections.

But the backbone of the study is Scripture. Laura Booz tells me, “My favorite aspect of this book is that it uses Scripture as its primary counsel, which allows a woman to hear the Holy Spirit’s voice clearly and accurately.”

Cindy Beall comments, “All in all, this book is an incredible resource. The way Clay and Renee combine Biblical stories and practical information is really well done. I believe it will help so many women.”

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Things for Leaders to Keep in Mind

• As a group leader take time to carefully review the leader instructions before you come to the group setting. Prayer and preparation are crucial to leading any group. As a group leader, read through the introduction (p.3-4) and then skip to the group leading guides in the back (p.121-128).

• Good curriculum, no matter how good, is no replacement for authentic relationships and godly mentoring. Use the book as a guide for discussion, but remember, transformation is more than information.

• Make use of the the “Group Covenant” on page 21. This will establish important boundaries that will help each participant to feel safe as she delves into the depths of her heartache and chooses to hope in restoration.

• You may find it more appropriate to modify or skip some of the openers. It depends how keen your group is on icebreakers. Some may find these “Getting Started” activities helpful. Other groups may want to dive right into the meat of the study right away.

• Clay and Renee tread softly and lightly on the the subject of sexuality. Many women might benefit from additional materials that broach this topic, helping them think about to develop physical and emotional intimacy with their husbands.

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Endorsements

“Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy remains the best recovery aid for women I have encountered.” (Mark Gaither)

“I believe with all my heart that this will be a valuable resource. Clay and Renee have taken their pain and are using it to contribute to the healing in others’ lives.” (Cindy Beall)

“I strongly recommend this study, especially for groups reaching out to women who have just found out about their husband’s addiction to porn.” (Marsha Fisher)

“Packed full of living Scripture, encouragement, honesty, and helpful advice, Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy will be a very helpful resource to a woman whose husband is using pornography.” (Laura Booz)

“This book strongly hits issues that are relevant to the restoration process of a porn-invaded marriage. I especially appreciate how it directs a person’s anger and disappointment at the appropriate target – i.e., Satan. Its concepts for rebuilding values essential for a strong, healthy marriage are right on.” (Joyce Oglesby)

When Good Men Are Tempted

In a word, this book is about identity. Perkins spends a great deal of time describing the core identity of a Christian. He capitalizes on the rich language of the New Testament that describes the Christian as a “new creature.” Since we are united to Christ by His Spirit, Perkins encourages us to “Discover the New You.” The risen Christ, who is dead to the power of sin, indwells us and brings with Him all His resurrection power.

Perkins’ diagnosis is that the chief reason why Christian men fall into sexual sin is because of “identity theft.” The mistake Christian men often make is letting their sin define them. Instead of fighting sin with the expectation that Christ will overcome, the Christian gives into sin because he believes, “That’s just who I am.” Perkins writes with an aim to help Christians steal back their identity from the enemy.

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A Theology of Attraction and Lust

Perkins does an excellent job helping the Christian man gain a biblical view of sexuality. He first offers a compelling picture of the beauty of sexual attraction. He writes, “I’d like to lift the magnetism you feel toward beautiful women to the high and holy place I believe God intended it to occupy.” (p.18). He does just that, teaching men they are simply wired by God to enjoy the beauty of a woman. Moreover, in his cleverly titled chapter, “Why Naked Women Look So Good,” he affirms God designed women so that men would find them attractive, affirming women as the glorious masterpieces of God’s creation. Men naturally desire to see the mysterious beauty of a woman unveiled before their eyes.

In doing this Perkins seeks to demolish the “super-spiritual” standard set by some in the church that says any pleasure we derive from enjoying a woman’s beauty is lust. Perkins believes that most men, when they are honest with themselves, know the difference between admiring a woman’s beauty and feeding lust, between glancing at her and mentally recording her every move.

At the same time, Perkins affirms the Biblical ethic that men should only crave sex with their wives. Sin of lust comes into the picture when fail to meet this standard. Perkins offers three insightful reasons why lust has such a draw on a man’s heart: (1) because our sinful appetites desire what we are not allowed to have, (2) because our social context often creates more allure to sexuality by making it taboo, and (3) because we desire sexual novelty found in fantasy and illicit sex to recreate the thrill of young love without the fear of rejection. Each of these reasons is explored in depth, and with each one he explains the warped thinking behind sexual sin.

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The Temptation Cycle

Another interesting dynamic in the book is the way Perkins weaves together the observations of psychology and the Bible. He identifies the four stages of the “addictive” cycle, the circle of habitually destructive behavior: (1) preoccupation, (2) ritualization, (3) acting out, and (4) shame (p.60-63). He links these with the “stages” of temptation and sin as outlined by James 1:14-15: (1) enticement, (2) conception, (3) birth, and (4) death. This Perkins calls “the temptation cycle” (p.171-190). Let’s look at them in reverse order.

(4) Death/Shame

This is the inevitable result of sexual sin, indeed all sin: spiritual death. Sin promises the birth of new life, but, as Perkins reminds us: “[I]t never delivers. The baby is always stillborn” (p.187). This is often experienced inwardly as shame, a desire to hide from others so no one sees what we have become, and a desire to not even look at ourselves because we don’t like what we see. Perkins calls this “toxic shame,” something that “poisons our identity because it’s based on the belief that we’ve failed God and ourselves” (p.99). The pain of this experience should drive us into the arms of God, who’s love for us covers our shame, but instead we internalize the pain and desire to numb it with . . . more sin. This starts the cycle of temptation all over again.

(3) Birth/Acting Out

This is the point in the temptation process where we fulfill our desire, where we give in and let our lust run wild. Ironically, Perkins uses very little ink describing this stage . . . ironic because we often spend the most amount of time obsessing over and feeling guilty about this stage: the moment of gratification. But Perkins wisely points out that as sure as birth will follow conception, so acting out will follow festering lust. We need to focus our energies on prior stages.

(2) Conception/Ritualization

“Rituals are the activities that put feet on our fantasies” (p.61). What are some of these sexual-sin rituals? Perkins mentions several: surfing the Internet, checking out magazines in a book store, visually feasting on an attractive woman, driving by a strip club, reading personal ads, browsing in a video store, calling a former girlfriend, television channel surfing, asking a female acquaintance out to lunch, or calling a 900 number out of curiosity. In a very practical way, Perkins suggests men make a list of every ritual that leads to sin and then create a plan to avoid these rituals.

“While we may not always be able to control our desires, we can usually control our environment. We can eliminate opportunities to sin” (p.184). He sites different examples: from getting rid of cable TV in the home, to never turning on the TV in a motel room; from avoiding flirtation, to diverting the eyes; and from going to the gym when “hot babes” aren’t there, to getting Covenant Eyes on every computer (p.185-186).

But the real battle is found in the first stage.

(1) Enticement/Preoccupation

“In a moment our lustful desire whispers, ‘Looks good, doesn’t she? There’s no harm thinking about how good she looks. What you would enjoy doing with her’. . . . Unless you avoid the temptation cycle here you’ll move on to the next stage. Once get there physical sin is unavoidable” (p.174-175).

Perkins is quick to point out there are unhelpful ways Christians typically try to deal with temptation at this stage. Some might try to overpower their lust with sheer willpower: “I can’t think about this. I won’t think about this.” This only stirs up our flesh by reminding it of the sinful pleasure that is off-limits to it. Instead, Perkins urges his readers to fortify their minds when they are enticed with truth from Scripture. He offers simple approaches to prayerfully meditating on the truth of God’s Word that will expose the lies that make temptation so enticing.

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Grabbing at Grace

Perkins points out a powerful verse of Scripture, a prayer made from the belly of a fish: “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs” (Jonah 2:8, NIV).

Perkins offers his readers an enticing truth that breaks the allure of lust: the grace of God’s friendship. When Good Men Are Tempted calls men to put down their heart-idols, their objects of lust, knowing the experience of God’s love awaits them. This first step is perhaps the hardest of all: Perkins asks men to admit their lowliest sins, the most shameful things they have hidden from others, and to confess them before God. Like the Prodigal Son we may fear our Father’s reaction, but we have the assurance of God’s Word that He will not only forgive us, but He will celebrate His friendship with us.

This experience of favor with God is the source of new obedience. Perkins reminds his readers of the powerful words of Romans 12:1-2, that it is in light of God’s mercies our hearts find it reasonable and desirable to give ourselves to God as a living sacrifice. In His abundant mercy He has made us citizens of a New Creation.

Until that day when Christ makes all things new, we have the deposit of His Spirit within us, which changes us from the inside out. “An encounter with Jesus Christ changes the genetic stuff of your spirit” (150). Paul certainly knew this when He expressed His frustration with sin in Romans 7. Despite sin’s stubborn persistence, he knew: “[I]t is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me” (Romans 7:17). Perkins explains, “When Paul referred to himself as ‘I,’ he spoke of the redeemed core personality, that part of him that sought after God. He spoke of that place in his personality where God’s Spirit lived. He referred to his true inner-self that had been recreated by God and was truly a good man in Christ” (p.47). This identity shift is where the battle is won.

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A Book for Men in Community

Perkins includes many chapters of special interest:

• A chapter for married men about making love to their wives

• A chapter for husbands to share with wives who might be hurting from their sexual sin

• A chapter on masturbation (not labeling it as always sinful, but giving guidelines to know when masturbation is sinful)

When Good Men Are Tempted is not only for individual male readers, it is for men in community. Each chapter is equipped with helpful study questions to be discussed in male community.

To aid us in the battle with sexual sin, Perkins calls men to have true “buddies” in the faith, friendships that have survived the relational crises of life and are built on deep trust. His hope is that every man in the Body of Christ would pursue the “ultimate masculine friendship” of brotherhood (quoting Dr. Herb Goldberg from his book, The Hazards of Being Male). These are the sort of men who stand with us in the battle against sin, men who offer not only accountability, but are willing to lay down their lives for each other. God willing, each of us will be that sort of friend to others.

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When Lauren Winner wrote about her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity in her 2003 memoir, Girl Meets God, her frank recognition of the complexities of new-found faith were unpredictable and charming. As she takes up the question of sex and chastity in her new book, Real Sex, her candor is not only resonant, it is uniquely insightful. In what seems likely to emerge as a critical resource for any Christian seeking to pursue a coherent sexual ethic in a hyper-sexualized culture, Winner effectively redefines the scope of Christian sexual ethics to incorporate realities-as-they-really-are within the church. She emphasizes the profound relevance of Scripture and tradition as a remedy, while articulating a winsome yet bold challenge for the Church to be less modest about its call to chastity.

It’s no surprise to anyone who watches television or shops at a mall that traditional sexual morality is on the decline. According to current statistics, about 65 percent of teenagers have sex before they finish high school and approximately 75 percent of adults have sex before they get married. What may come as a surprise, however, is how steep the decline is—not only within the culture, but also within the Church. In the 1990’s three separate surveys of single Christians showed only one-third of unmarried Christians are virgins. Likewise, of the students and young adults who signed abstinence pledges as part of religious sex-ed programs, 61 percent of students broke their pledge and of the 39 percent who kept it, 55 percent admitted to having oral sex, which they didn’t consider to be sex.

For some, these statistics supply more-than-justifiable grounds to rant about the weakened moral fabric of American culture. But for Winner, these statistics simply identify a growing need within the Church that faith, scripture, discipline and community are sufficient to address; she offers hope in what could otherwise be deemed a hopeless situation.

Central to her evenhanded call is a strong reliance on the truth that our bodies are good (as are our desires when rightly ordered) and that Scripture offers a much more coherent and comprehensive sexual ethic than is typically communicated in classic virginity-centric models of ministry. As she puts it,

“To organize one’s Christian sexual ethics around virginity is to turn sexual purity and sexual sin into a light switch you can flip—one day you’re sexually righteous, and the next day, after illicit loss of your virginity, you’re a sinner.”

This is not to suggest that Winner thinks pre-marital virginity is unimportant. Rather she refuses to indulge the slippery slope, how-far-is-too-far question, pushing the reader to explore and consider the depth and richness of God’s full story of creation, wholeness and redemption. She rejects what German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer might call the “cheap grace” approach to sexual ethics and insists on painting a much more brilliant—and challenging—picture of what the chaste life both requires and rewards.

Foundational to each of her assertions is the conviction that our decisions and behavior shape us, especially when it comes to how we use our bodies. As Winner summarizes it,

“The choices we make every day—where we shop, what we do with our bodies, how we pass our time—form us. They shape the type of Christians we become. What we do matters, not because good behavior gets us into heaven, but because behavior, good and bad, creates certain expectations in us, teaches us certain lessons.”

She reiterates this theme throughout the book, and near the end says, “Sexual sin forms us. It teaches us false lessons about what sex is, lessons that are not easily unlearned. But sexual sin is something we can repent of. It is something God forgives.”

Repentance, forgiveness and redemption are critical pieces of this puzzle, Winner argues, not only because they are part of how we learn and grow as Christians, but also because she takes current statistics seriously. She knows she is writing, most likely, to non-virgin Christians—unmarried, non-virgin Christians to be exact. And for anyone who has “fallen off the wagon,” so to speak, and read ad nauseum about the how-tos of Christian purity, her realistic treatment of sexual sin as common and forgivable is probably one of the most profound and refreshing parts of her book. As she acknowledges,

“Sometimes adopting chastity is as simple as reading a book like this one, or attending a lecture, and then making a change in your life. But for many of us, it is the relearning of a basic story. It requires, prayer teaching, work, reformation, even weeping. It requires that we tell each other the story of the gospel, and the narrative of chastity, over and over and over.”

Her willingness to share her own experiences as a (sexual) sinner in need of grace brings an authenticity that is often hard to come by in Christian books about sex. She has wrestled with sexual temptation, engaged in premarital sex prior to meeting her husband, struggled with Church teaching, and bought into deceptions and lies about sex. And yet, she has pursued an affirmative ethic that is big enough to hold all of that sin and confusion and still offer a hope for purity. “As the church,” she says, “we need to ask whether the starting point for a scriptural witness on sex is the isolated quotation of “thou shalt not,” or whether a scriptural ethic of sex begins instead with the totality of the Bible, the narrative of God’s redeeming love and humanity’s attempt to reflect that through our institutions and practices.” Again, she is speaking as one who has walked through the fire and doesn’t take its flames lightly, yet her own sanctification has borne a compassion for those who face the same struggle ahead of them.

Finally, she is wise to supplement her substantive critique of the Church with equally substantive, practical recommendations for how to navigate the realities of sexual sin and the road of redemption. She offers useful tools that provide a tangible way to pursue chastity in real life. She emphasizes developing chastity as a spiritual discipline, recognizing, “it is not only a state—the state of being chaste—but a disciplined, active undertaking that we do as part of the Body [of Christ].” Revealing her candid spirit, she frankly notes the practical aim of this disciplined approach is because “Speaking of spiritual discipline seems to elevate chastity from gritting-my-teeth-and-stonily-avoiding-sex to something lofty, noble and spiritual.” It is self-gratifying in its own way.

Winner also emphasizes the role of the church community in helping to guide unmarried Christians in the challenging call to chastity. Calling for young and old, single and married to come together and “be the church” on this issue is critical: “A community working toward chastity is not captive to euphemism, dissembling, and pretense, but is a place where sin can be spoken of freely, with contrition but without fear.” She talks about setting wise physical limits during dating but does so with a balanced perspective that allows for discernment with the help of community. She also stresses the importance of prayer, repentance, and accountability with other believers. She has great faith the Church is equipped to address the pervasive misunderstandings and deceptions about sexual sin, and she simply wants to see the Church apply it in a foundational, deeply biblical way.

Ultimately, the genius in Real Sex is precisely that it puts forth something real. Sex is a real struggle for single Christians. In scripture and tradition the Church has tools at its disposal that offer real solutions. Winner’s bright and persuasive perspective suggests it is time for all Christians to be sincere and realistic about pursuing chastity as God intends.

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Lauren Winner will be a keynote speaker at this year’s CCEF conference, “Sex Matters.” She will be speaking on “Redeeming Sex for Singles.” Register now.

Read more about Lauren’s other books on her website, LaurenWinner.net.

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What can I say about L.I.F.E. Guide for Women? I truly can’t praise this workbook enough.

Marnie Ferree has written the first resource I have found that directly and candidly discusses sexual addiction among women. From promiscuity to porn addiction, Marnie brings hope and tools for recovery to topics that the church and most ministry leaders have failed to address.

I use L.I.F.E. Guide for Women in every recovery group I lead and have witnessed firsthand the healing power of Christ through this material. Instead of glazing over the issues, Marnie gets to the root of where the sexual addiction comes from, which is the only way a woman can truly be freed. L.I.F.E. Guide for Women is a must read for every woman who struggles with sexual addiction or who is a counselor/teacher/group leader tackling these issues.

I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography powerfully alerts “lukewarm Christians” about the imminent disaster that follows a dabbling in pornography, an indulgence in materialism, and a selfish lifestyle.

Clay and Renee Crosse kindly share how private lukewarm lives led them into a marital crisis; how selfishness and moral carelessness led them away from purity, integrity, and happiness in Christ. They knowingly write, “Porn is a killer, and it won’t stop until something is dead.” For them, Clay’s addiction to pornography videos killed his imagination, relationships, and ability to serve the Lord with singing.

Clay and Renee share personal accounts about Clay’s addiction and during their recovery and restoration. Amidst serious warnings and honest explanations, the book’s shining moments occur when both writers reveal that the quality of their relationship with the Lord Jesus directly affects the quality of their personal lives: they clearly explain that when we are distant from the Lord, our marriages spiral towards destruction, but when we draw near to the Lord, our marriages thrive in peace.

Couples who read this book together will understand each other’s perspectives a little bit better, thanks to Clay and Renee’s honest accounts. The writing is down-to-earth, honest, and tactful. The Crosses don’t capitalize on the shock-and-awe factor, but rather tell their story as it is and allow the Holy Spirit to apply His truths to the reader’s specific circumstances. Look forward to the last section of the book, which focuses on rebuilding the marriage relationship. The Crosses explain the type of practical sacrifices and heart-changes that are necessary in order to enjoy marital restoration. More than that, they provide a beacon of hope: restoration is possible!

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Watch Clay’s personal message to men: Who’s asking you the hard questions?

Watch a preview of Clay and Renee’s testimony from Freedom Begins Here.