This week we will be releasing a series of podcasts and information about how pornography influences the brain. The brain is a fascinating organ, full of intricacies and details indicative of our Creator’s design. As technology has improved, we have been able to understand more how the brain works.

From a Christian perspective, how does learning about the brain make a difference in our lives? Christ explains our hearts are the origin of evil thoughts, sexual immorality, adultery, coveting, deceit, sensuality, foolishness, and every other form of sin (Mark 7:21-23). Why spend time talking about the brain when it is our hearts that need transformation?

Sin in Our Members

The reason we are exploring this area of study is because we have been commanded by God (in Romans 6:13) to not present the members of our body to sin, but to present our members as instruments of righteousness. The word Paul uses in this passage is μέλος, melos, which means our body parts. Paul gives holiness real practicality: present your hands, feet, eyes, ears, and mouth to God as tools for Him to use for His purposes . . . and yes, your brain too.

As Christians we should be interested in how holiness is lived out in day-to-day matters, and to do this we need a healthy dose of “member theology,” a biblical understanding of our body parts. This command propels us to understand how our bodies work, and thus, how our brains work. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality.

“Therefore put to death your members [melos] which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5, NKJV).

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members [melos] than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members [melos] than that your whole body go into hell (Matthew 5:27-30).

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members [melos] another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members [melos]. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin” (Romans 7:21-25).

“Do you not know that your bodies are members [melos] of Christ? Shall I then take the members [melos] of Christ and make them members [melos] of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:15-20).

“Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members [melos]?” (James 4:1, NKJV)

Member Theology

Sinful sexual impulses and passions take hold in our members (Colossians 3:5; Romans 7:5; James 4:1). Our eyes and hands can lead us to sin (Matthew 5:29-30). Paul calls this impulse of sin in the body the “law of sin” that wages war against us (Romans 7:23). While our bodies are never labeled as evil, they are the beachhead of sinful drives.

Though indwelling sin still contaminates our bodies, so much so our bodies are “dead because of sin” (Romans 8:10); nevertheless, our spirits are alive because the Spirit of the resurrected Christ lives within us (8:9). Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19). He can impart His resurrection life even to the parts of our mortal and frail bodies (Romans 8:11) and enable us to put to death the deeds of the body (8:13).

Our war with these body-impulses starts with us considering ourselves already dead to sin and alive to God because we are united with the risen Christ (Romans 6:11). This “considering” is a heart issue. We must believe with all our hearts that Christ was raised from the dead and now sits at God’s right hand, enjoying all the blessings of resurrection life. We must believe, according to His promise, that Christ’s Spirit lives within us, sharing with us foretastes of resurrected glory. We must see this gift of the Spirit as a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance in the age to come.

But as we “consider” ourselves dead to sin, assured that we have already been brought from death to life, we then present the members of our body to God as instruments for righteousness (Romans 6:12-13). When we do this, it leads to our growth and sanctification (6:19).

The Brain: Wired For Intimacy

Of course human choices cannot be boiled down to biology or neurology or genetics. The heart is a deep ocean. God does not treat or judge us as victims of our nature or the nurturing we’ve received. We are responsible moral beings. But the brain is one of our members, and an important one. As we understand the inner-workings of the brain, we can learn more about what it means to present it to God for His use.

Christian belief propels great science. Knowing the stars were put in the heavens to show the glory of God (Psalm 19), Christian astronomers like Copernicus and Newton found ways to understand the heavens with probing depth. Believing the handiwork of God could be seen even in microscopic participles, Christians like Robert Boyle conducted pioneer research in chemistry. Believing an orderly God was behind the motions of weather and currents, oceanographers like Matthew Maury charted the oceans for navigation.

Today Christians like Dr. Bill Struthers have compiled great research on how the brain works. His book, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, helps believers to process years of neurological observations and apply it to how we live our lives. This week we will be featuring some of his research.

As we explore the intricacies of the brain, keep this question in mind: How can we present this remarkable organ to God as an instrument in His hands?

Porn provides something for us. Of course it does; otherwise, none of us would bother using it. A call to take this away sounds like bad news. I’ve seen it written across people’s faces. They’ve confessed to me their porn problem. ‘Okay,’ I say, ‘the first thing we’re going to do is put accountability software on your computer.’ And their face drops. They don’t like the effects of porn, but they still love porn. Taking that away doesn’t sound like good news.

And think about it. A call to stop makes people rely on their own will-power, on themselves. And that’s not good news. That’s not gospel. That’s legalism.

So what is the gospel for porn users? It is, first, that God offers more. The good news is that God is bigger and better than anything porn offers. And second, God offers the resources we need for change. Even though our porn defiles us and provokes God’s wrath, by the grace of God and the work of the cross, we can draw near to God to find help in time of need.

To hear this good news as good news we need to explore the promises of porn. What does porn offer?

The false promises of porn

It will be different things for different people. For some porn offers respect: a fantasy world in which I’m potent or admired by others. For others porn offers intimacy: a substitute for relationships without the risks. For others it offers escape: when life is daunting or boring we turn to porn for quick satisfaction. For some, porn may offer revenge: a way of getting back at the spouse who hasn’t delivered the sex we want, or at God, who hasn’t delivered the life we want.

But it’s all lies. Porn is a performance—carefully cut and edited to create the illusion of power or pleasure. We need to look beyond the frame of the camera. Porn sex is never real sex. It distorts our expectations of relationships, marriage, and intimacy.

And porn never delivers. Whether it’s respect, intimacy, escape, or revenge, it’s not the real thing. It’s a cheap fantasy that only leaves us wanting more. And so we move from pictures or movies, from soft-core to hard-core, all the time looking for what porn cannot deliver. This is how porn drags us in deeper until we’re enslaved.

The real promises of the gospel

So what is the good news?

If porn offers you respect, then the good news is that you don’t need to be controlled by the opinions of others. Compare those whose approval you want with God. Who matters most? Whose affirmation counts? Looking to God can set you free.

If porn offers you risk-free intimacy, then the good news is that God is in control. Relationships are risky, but God promises to care for those who trust him. He may not provide a spouse, but he will provide himself—a chance to know the Creator.

If porn offers you escape from the pressures of life, then the good news is that God is in control. The Bible describes God as a ‘rock’ and ‘refuge’ to his people (Psalm 18:1-3). ‘Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you’ (1 Peter 5:7).

If porn offers you escape from the boredom of life, then the good news is that God is the source of true and lasting joy. Of course, porn is immediate, quick, and easy. But its pleasures are so short-lived, so empty. We’re always left wanting more. To a woman who’d had a series of sexual partners, Jesus said: ‘Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life’ (John 4:13-14).

If porn offers you revenge, then the good news is that God is gracious. We think we’re not getting what we deserve—from our spouse or from God. In truth, we’re getting far more than the judgment we deserve. God welcomes us into his family. Thinking of yourself as a son or daughter of God will set you free from resentment and bitterness.

Letting God be God

At its root, porn is about worship. I want to be worshiped. I can click between women, all of whom are offering themselves to me. Or I can think of myself as the stud sending women into an ecstasy of desire. Or I can think of myself as the romantic heroine, relentlessly pursued by my handsome admirer. I enter a world in which people worship me. It’s a world in which I am at the centre.

Freedom begins when I stop trying to be at the centre and let God be at the centre. When I stop trying to be in charge of my life and let God be God. When I stop serving myself and start loving other people. When we’re turned inwards we become twisted and disfigured people. However, we become the people we’re meant to be only as we worship God and love others.

Change takes place as we believe the right things and want the right things. It’s not complicated. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy! Change is a daily struggle. Maybe today you’ll win the fight to believe the right thing. But tomorrow will be a new battle. And maybe today you’ll lose the battle. But don’t give up. Pick yourself up and remember, God loves you, and start fighting all over again.

Humble enough to find help

There is hope. But we need help. We need the help of other people, people who can hold us accountable and remind us of the good news. And we need God’s help. We can’t do it on our own. Many people get stuck in their behaviour because they won’t admit that there’s a problem, that the problem lies in their hearts, or that they need help. So every move up starts with a step down. ‘Humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honour’ (1 Peter 5:6).

Looking to the cross

The good news for porn users is not only that God offers more. The good news is also that God gives us his Holy Spirit to change our hearts and lives.

But what kind of reception will we get from God if we come to him for help? What kind of reception will we get when we’ve contributed to our own problems? What  if we keep messing up?

The Bible says that ‘God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners’ (Romans 5:8). The death of Jesus on the cross is God’s great declaration of love to messed up people. And the cross is more than simply a declaration of love. Jesus took the punishment we deserve so we can be forgiven. The penalty is paid and we walk free. ‘So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most’ (Hebrews 4:16).

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Dr. Tim Chester is leader in The Crowded House, a network of missional churches, and the author of a number of books including You Can Change (Crossway) and Total Church (Crossway). His latest book is Captured By A Better Vision: Living Porn-Free. It is published in the UK by IVP and will be published in the US by InterVarsity. It is available from Amazon.co.uk or IVPBooks.com.

If one ever wondered what influential philosophers like Soren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche, or Martin Heidegger would have thought about the World Wide Web, On the Internet is the first, and perhaps best, place to look. Dreyfus is a leading existential philosopher who offers a compelling and persuasive assessment of the Internet’s benefits and limitations.

If you are one who looks to the Web for a disembodied world of ubiquitous learning, connection, and meaningful life, Dreyfus’ book is a friendly killjoy.

What this book is and is not

Dreyfus’ discussion of the Internet is somewhat narrow. He doesn’t write about file sharing, Internet porn, blogging, newsgroups, or chat rooms. Rather he does a much broader sweep of Internet technologies.

On the Internet is primarily a critique of cyberlibertarian principles. Dreyfus cites the authors of the 1994 document, “Cyberspace and the American Dream: A Magna Carta for the Knowledge Age,” or the more “far out” example of the Extropy Institute. These groups look with great optimism to the world of cyber technology. For example, the Extropy Institute optimistically looks to a “posthuman future” when we are no longer limited by our physical bodies. Written on the eve of widespread Internet use, the Magna Carta looks with great expectation to the creation of “electronic neighborhoods,” where “cyberspace will play an important role knitting together in the diverse communities of tomorrow.”

At first it may seem like Dreyfus is positioning straw men to knock down. After all, who really believes computers will utterly replace human teachers? Who believes all can one day receive as good an education via distance learning as being an apprentice to the masters? Who thinks risk-free virtual worlds will some day completely replace the dirtiness of real life? Few would articulate such things.

But Dreyfus’ aim is not to merely question the far-out cyber-utopian thinkers but to help us spot the corners of our own minds where we expect more from the World Wide Web than what it can truly offer. Dreyfus does not see the Internet as a phantom threat, but rather wants to help us balance offline and online life, creating a down-to-earth symbiosis of embodied life and virtual life.

The importance of the body

The primary thrust of On the Internet is the importance the human body and physical presence plays in helping us make sense of the world, acquire skills, build community, and give lasting meaning to our lives. Dreyfus taps his knowledge of cyber technology, epistemology, and educational psychology to show that cyberspace is not the final frontier of learning or meaningful connections.

• Chapters 2 and 3 attempt to show that even the best technological telepresence experience (live streaming video, live chat, etc.) cannot capture all the benefits of bodily presence in the classroom, meaning that virtual students are not likely to pass beyond mere competence and become truly proficient, let alone gain mastery in a subject.
• Chapter 4 attempts to show the Internet, like the newspaper before it, creates a global “public sphere” where information is readily available but makes us into detached, anonymous spectators, guilty of endless reflection and commentary while taking neither risks of vulnerable involvement nor passionate commitment.
• Chapter 5 attempts to show how virtual worlds like Second Life can become unfortunate diversions from facing the harsher realities of life, can drive us away from meaningful real-world risk-taking, and, most significantly, take us away from deeply significant communal practices where people share a “common mood” and are caught up in the contagious moments of joy, grief, nostalgia, awe, and celebration.

Hubert Dreyfus, a renowned scholar on the existential phenomenology of Martin Heidegger, brings a philosopher’s mind to bear on the questions of how the Internet is affecting our culture. Citing the work of Maurice Merleau-Ponty, Dreyfus writes of the “intercorporeality” of the human body—our physical presence in a situation which gives a holistic sense of our environment, a sense that is greater than the sum of our five senses.

Dreyfus relates his philosophical ideas to recent neurobiological studies about mirror-neurons, systems in the brain that specialize in helping us understand and resonate with the actions and emotions of others, as well as the social significance of those actions (pp. 113-115). Using current research from roboticists, Dreyfus powerfully argues that the best technology cannot simulate this crucial social/physical dynamic (pp. 54-57). In other words, we need face-to-face interactions to carry on meaningful lives.

Some criticisms

Dreyfus fails to cite a variety of opponents to his positions. Certainly many would feel like their online communities are not deficient. Many would say that the Internet has not decreased their awareness and involvement in worthy causes, but rather increased them. Many would believe their online friendships to be just as “real” to them as face-to-face friendships. Dreyfus does not engage with these opinions, but rather launches his analysis on the basis of his philosophical interests.

Dreyfus praises the limited benefits of distance learning, but he neglects to mention how schools have tried to overcome obstacles in distance education, creatively weaving together distance lectures, face-to-face apprenticeship, on-site teaching, and Internet discussion forums. The more virtual schools have begun to see the need for interaction among students and professors, the more they have begun to put in place measures to bring this about.

Dreyfus at times misrepresents the Christian/Biblical worldview as being anti-body. Dreyfus claims that Christianity and Platonism share a common desire to get rid of the body to arrive at an ideal disembodied state (pp. 143-144). Speaking of Nietzsche’s battle with Platonism’s and Christianity’s vision of immortality beyond the body (p. 6), Dreyfus neglects to mention the strong tradition in biblical Christianity of resurrection, a belief that affirms an eternal, albeit glorified, physical state. God not only affirms the value of the body by giving it immortality, but (using Heideggerian terms) by bringing divinity together with humanity.

A great start to a great topic

Some might think it ironic I found Dreyfus’ critique refreshing. I make my living as a corporate blogger, I am earning a degree via distance education, and I met my wife on eHarmony. I like the Internet. It is where I spend a great deal of time. But being immersed in the virtual world, I  cannot help but enjoy the overall thrust of Dreyfus’ book. The Internet is a wonderful tool, but it is no replacement for real-life, flesh and blood community.

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We are fast becoming the pornographic society. Over the course of the last decade, explicitly sexual images have crept into advertising, marketing, and virtually every niche of American life. This ambient pornography is now almost everywhere, from the local shopping mall to prime-time television.

By some estimations the production and sale of explicit pornography now represents the seventh-largest industry in America. New videos and internet pages are produced each week, with the digital revolution bringing a host of new delivery systems. Every new digital platform becomes a marketing opportunity for the pornography industry.

To no one’s surprise, the vast majority of those who consume pornography are males. It is no trade secret that males are highly stimulated by visual images, whether still or video. That is not a new development, as ancient forms of pornography attest. What is new is all about access. Today’s men and boys are not looking at line pictures drawn on cave walls. They have almost instant access to countless forms of pornography in a myriad of forms.

But, even as technology has brought new avenues for the transmission of pornography, modern knowledge also brings a new understanding of how pornography works in the male brain. While this research does nothing to reduce the moral culpability of males who consume pornography, it does help to explain how the habit becomes so addictive.

As William M. Struthers of Wheaton College explains, “Men seem to be wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.”

Struthers is a psychologist with a background in neuroscience and a teaching concentration in the biological bases of human behavior. In Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, Struthers presents key insights from neuroscience that go a long way toward explaining why pornography is such a temptation for the male mind.

“The simplest explanation for why men view pornography (or solicit prostitutes) is that they are driven to seek out sexual intimacy,” he explains. The urge for sexual intimacy is God-given and essential to the male, he acknowledges, but it is easily misdirected. Men are tempted to seek “a shortcut to sexual pleasure via pornography” and now find this shortcut easily accessed.

In a fallen world, pornography becomes more than a distraction and a distortion of God’s intention for human sexuality. It comes as an addictive poison.

Struthers explains:

Viewing pornography is not an emotionally or physiologically neutral experience. It is fundamentally different from looking at black and white photos of the Lincoln Memorial or taking in a color map of the provinces of Canada. Men are reflexively drawn to the content of pornographic material. As such, pornography has wide-reaching effects to energize a man toward intimacy. It is not a neutral stimulus. It draws us in. Porn is vicarious and voyeuristic at its core, but it is also something more. Porn is a whispered promise. It promises more sex, better sex, endless sex, sex on demand, more intense orgasms, and experiences of transcendence.

Pornography “acts as a polydrug,” Struthers explains. As Dr. Patrick Carnes asserts, pornography is “a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience.” Boredom and curiosity lead many boys and men into experiences that become more like drug addiction than is often admitted.

Why men rather than women? As Struthers explains, the male and female brains are wired differently. “A man’s brain is a sexual mosaic influenced by hormone levels in the womb and in puberty and molded by his psychological experience.” Over time, exposure to pornography takes a man or boy deeper along “a one-way neurological superhighway where a man’s mental life is over-sexualized and narrowed. This superhighway has countless on-ramps but very few off-ramps.”

Pornography is “visually magnetic” to the male brain. Struthers presents a fascinating review of the neurobiology involved, with pleasure hormones becoming linked to and released by the experience of a male viewing pornographic images. These experiences with pornography and pleasure hormones create new patterns in the brain’s wiring, and repeated experiences formalize the rewiring.

And then, enough is never enough. “If I take the same dose of a drug over and over and my body begins to tolerate it, I will need to take a higher dose of the drug in order for it to have the same effect that it did with a lower dose the first time,” Struthers reminds us. So, the experience of viewing pornography and acting out on it creates a demand in the brain for more and more, just to achieve the same level of pleasure in the brain.

While men are stimulated by the ambient sexual images around them, explicit pornography increases the effect. Struthers compares this to the difference between traditional television and the new high definition technologies. Everything is more clear, more explicit, and more stimulating.

Struthers explains this with compelling force:

Something about pornography pulls and pushes at the male soul. The pull is easy to identify. The naked female form can be hypnotizing. A woman’s willingness to participate in a sexual act or expose her nakedness is alluring to men. The awareness of one’s own sexuality, the longing to know, to experience something as good wells up from deep within. An image begins to pick up steam the longer we look upon it. It gains momentum and can reach a point where it feels like a tractor-trailer rolling downhill with no brakes.

Wired for Intimacy is a timely and important book. Struthers offers keen and strategic insights from neurobiology and psychology. But what makes this book truly helpful is the fact that Struthers does not leave his argument to neuroscience, nor does he use the category of addiction to mitigate the sinfulness of viewing pornography.

Sinners naturally look for fig leaves to hide sin, and biological causation is often cited as a means of avoiding moral responsibility. Struthers does not allow this, and his view of pornography is both biblical and theologically grounded. He lays responsibility for the sin of viewing pornography at the feet of those who willingly consume explicit images. He knows his audience–after all, his classrooms are filled with young male college students. The addict is responsible for his addiction.

At the same time, any understanding of how sin works its deceitful evil is a help to us, and understanding how pornography works in the male mind is a powerful knowledge. Pornography is a sin that robs God of his glory in the gift of sex and sexuality. We have long known that sin takes hostages. We now know another dimension of how this sin hijacks the male brain. Knowledge, as they say, is power.

Crossroads is one of the latest resources from Ed Welch. It is an excellent written resource for addictions groups.

Welch speaks with both a wealth of biblical knowledge and a wealth of experience in this area. He is a counselor at the Christians Counseling and Educational Foundation. He has over two decades of counseling experience, a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology with a neuro-psychology specialty, and a Master of Divinity degree. He is an author of numerous books and a professor of practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary.

Crossroads also has a Facilitators Guide for those who are leading groups.

Today’s podcast is part of a conversation I had with best-selling author and international speaker, Gary Thomas.

In an effort to reject sinful pleasure, Christians can easily reject pleasure altogether, even feeling guilty about pursuing pleasure. Today Gary will talk about how his new book, Pure Pleasure, encourages Christians to pursue God-given pleasures in a God-pleasing way, and how this pursuit helps us fight temptations to do evil.

Gary is the author of 11 books and over 150 articles published in major magazines. He is a regular speaker at conferences, retreats, college campuses, and has helped thousands of married couples through his popular Sacred Marriage seminars. He holds an honorary Doctor of Divinity from Western Seminary and a Masters degree from Regent College in Vancouver, where he studied under Dr. J.I. Packer.

Music for today’s podcast is “Ordinary Day” by Phil Joel

Listen to more Covenant Eyes Radio on iTunes

This week we are featuring a series of podcasts for pastors and other ministry professionals who are secretly struggling with pornography and other sexual temptations.

Today we will hear from Dr. Harry Schaumburg, co-founder of Stone Gate Resources, a ministry that offers brief, intensive counseling for the sexually broken. Dr. Schaumburg is the author of False Intimacy, a book that has become a classic in sexual addiction circles.

Recently he wrote Undefiled, a book born out of 18 years of experience in counseling.

Today Dr. Schaumburg will talk about his new book and share a strong message of encouragement to ministry leaders who are struggling with sexual sin.

1. Pornifying the Marriage Bed
2. Breaking Free
3. A Theology of Sex
4. Detoxification
5. Freedom
6. Recommended Resources

Challies’ treatment of this subject is not only hard-hitting and relevant, but deeply personal. He speaks as a man who has witnessed God’s power to deliver him from the tempting power of pornography.

Pornography is inherently violent, inherently unloving. It is a perversion of sexuality, not a true form of it, and one that teaches violence and degradation at the expense of mutual pleasure and intimacy. It is about conquests, about conquering. It is the very opposite of God’s intention for sex. It tears love from sex, leaving sex as the immediate gratification of one’s most base desires. It lives beyond rules and ethics and morality. It exists far beyond love. (Tim Challies)

I first read Shepherding a Child’s Heart in the late nineties as a requirement for my MA Counseling Program. This was before our current 7-year old was born. Therefore, I was reading this book because I had to, rather than reading it for immediate application.

God changed my mind about the stated purpose of this book, and I began to make immediate, specific and practical application to my life. The application was not for my future kids. God, in his providential mercy, began to affect my heart. This book was not only for me, but it was about me.

My life story began to unfold from its pages. Tedd Tripp brought clarity to my childhood and how those early shaping influences had formed me into the person I am today.

He also gave me hope that I was not bound to some kind of genetic, familial or cultural determinism, but by the power of the Gospel I could be changed from those early childhood shaping influences and could be progressively transformed into deeper and more comprehensive Christlikeness.

It is one of those rare books that communicates bible truths so well that in a small way it imitates the bible by showing me a mirror in which I can see more clearly who I really am and what I can be.

If I could rename the book, I would call it Shepherding a Person’s Heart rather than Shepherding a Child’s Heart because it really does not matter what age you are or whether you have children.

The point and focus of the book has immediate application for any reader regardless of their season of life.
God did a wonderful work in my heart through the reading of this book as I learned to put into practice the following truths:

• The foundation for change must be rooted in the Gospel. This starting point will affect my ending point.
• You never ask if you are worshiping, but who or what are you worshiping.
• There have been many shaping influences in my life that have oriented me in very specific ways.
• My goal and primary focus must be toward God rather than anything else.
• The starting place for change is not external behavior, but my heart.
• Correction is not primarily about the parent or the child, but about God.
• The event of salvation is not the goal as much as the nurturing process toward salvation and beyond.

There are many more truths, practicums, warnings and encouragements in Tedd’s book that make it a must read for anyone. I recommend you read it slowly rather than “just another book to get through.” Every now and then God gives us a book that stands the test of time because of its grounded theology and practical wisdom.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart is such a book.

Tedd’s little brother, Paul, has written the companion book for parents of teenagers, called Age of Opportunity. I have read this book as well and have found this tandem of books to be essential in child-rearing.

- Rick Thomas

But before I could write a blind endorsement of this book, I decided to send a few copies to some trusted friends, a few women who have been through this struggle in their marriages and some renowned relationship experts. As I received their comments about Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy, I was pleased to see all of them give a glowing endorsement of the book. (I will quote them below in this review.)

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The Authors

Clay Crosse is a three-time Dove-Award-winning musician. He and his wife, Renee, are the founders of Holy Homes, a ministry born out of the pain of their own struggles with pornography.

When Clay and Renee Crosse wrote their first book, I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken By Pornography, many couples found hope and healing in its pages. By telling their own story of Clay’s fixation on pornography and how it affected their marriage, the Crosses have helped other couples see they are not alone in their struggles. Sometimes nothing is more comforting than knowing someone else has already walked a hard road before you.

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What the Book Is

Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy is a book designed for a wives’ support/recovery group. The book leads a group through eight sessions, each about 90 minutes long. Each session follows the same basic outline:

• Getting Started – opening discussion activities, group prayer, and overview of session objectives

• Discovering the Truth – presents timeless principles for the group to discuss

• Embracing the Truth – challenges women to examine their attitudes and behaviors in light of divine truth

• Connecting – encourages wives to discuss their resistance to change and the difficulties they might encounter when applying biblical truth

• Taking It Home – offers practical suggestions on how to implement a new pattern of behavior, as well as ways for each member of the group to prepare for the next session

The book also gives many helps for group leaders, including specific instructions about how to prepare for each session, and a general guide about leading a successful group.

Founder of Redemptive Heart Ministries, Mark Gaither, comments that the book “takes wounded wives by the shoulders to assure them that while the process will be difficult, they have been promised divine help. And because it is specifically designed for a small group study, women can be assured they need not persevere alone.”

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What the Book Is Not

Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy assumes each reader’s husband has reached a place of repentance; therefore, the study is best used in this context. This book is not necessarily for women whose husbands continue to sin. While some women in this position will find relief through this study, they may find it more frustrating than helpful.

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Starting Where We Are

Renee and Clay wisely begin the healing process by meeting women where they are, titling the first four of eight chapters after the self-talk they undoubtedly hear: “This Can’t Be Happening”; “Is This My Fault?”; “How Can I Ever Trust Him Again?”; and “I’m Done with This.”

Each chapter guides wives along a well-marked path from helplessness to determination. Porn to Purity author, Marsha Fisher, comments, “I like the way the book provides participants with a road map for navigating this unfamiliar territory. When the discovery of pornography is made, a spouse’s world is turned upside down. She is looking for a path to follow and this study provides the path—eight steps rooted in Scripture women can take on the road to restoration.”

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Biblical Teaching, Personal Testimony, and Community

Marsha Fisher also comments, “When a wife finds out that her husband is addicted to pornography, she believes (wrongly) that they are the only ones with this problem. Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy shares the stories of several women who have not only walked in the readers shoes, but found the road to healthy recovery as they grow closer to the Lord.” Throughout the study readers will see many personal letters from hurting women and helpful “Word from Renee” sections.

But the backbone of the study is Scripture. Laura Booz tells me, “My favorite aspect of this book is that it uses Scripture as its primary counsel, which allows a woman to hear the Holy Spirit’s voice clearly and accurately.”

Cindy Beall comments, “All in all, this book is an incredible resource. The way Clay and Renee combine Biblical stories and practical information is really well done. I believe it will help so many women.”

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Things for Leaders to Keep in Mind

• As a group leader take time to carefully review the leader instructions before you come to the group setting. Prayer and preparation are crucial to leading any group. As a group leader, read through the introduction (p.3-4) and then skip to the group leading guides in the back (p.121-128).

• Good curriculum, no matter how good, is no replacement for authentic relationships and godly mentoring. Use the book as a guide for discussion, but remember, transformation is more than information.

• Make use of the the “Group Covenant” on page 21. This will establish important boundaries that will help each participant to feel safe as she delves into the depths of her heartache and chooses to hope in restoration.

• You may find it more appropriate to modify or skip some of the openers. It depends how keen your group is on icebreakers. Some may find these “Getting Started” activities helpful. Other groups may want to dive right into the meat of the study right away.

• Clay and Renee tread softly and lightly on the the subject of sexuality. Many women might benefit from additional materials that broach this topic, helping them think about to develop physical and emotional intimacy with their husbands.

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Endorsements

“Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy remains the best recovery aid for women I have encountered.” (Mark Gaither)

“I believe with all my heart that this will be a valuable resource. Clay and Renee have taken their pain and are using it to contribute to the healing in others’ lives.” (Cindy Beall)

“I strongly recommend this study, especially for groups reaching out to women who have just found out about their husband’s addiction to porn.” (Marsha Fisher)

“Packed full of living Scripture, encouragement, honesty, and helpful advice, Reclaiming Stolen Intimacy will be a very helpful resource to a woman whose husband is using pornography.” (Laura Booz)

“This book strongly hits issues that are relevant to the restoration process of a porn-invaded marriage. I especially appreciate how it directs a person’s anger and disappointment at the appropriate target – i.e., Satan. Its concepts for rebuilding values essential for a strong, healthy marriage are right on.” (Joyce Oglesby)