About Breaking Free
Breaking Free is the blog of Covenant Eyes, Inc.
What we do online impacts our lives offline. Breaking Free is about empowering people with knowledge and resources in the fight against Internet temptations.
We here at Covenant Eyes know good technology needs to be coupled with good relationships as we pursue integrity online. Accountability software is only as good as our relationships to those who hold us accountable. This blog is just one way we hope to bridge the gap between technology and relationships.
Internet pornography, cybersex, and other sensual images online are modern-day threats against God’s standard of sexual purity as expressed in the Bible. But regardless of faith or creed, we desire all people see the importance of not treating others as sexual commodities, either in fantasy or reality. We desire all people to know the destructive effects pornography has on hearts and relationships.
Breaking Free is also a Christ-centered blog. We seek to provide resources that point people Christ as the answer to sexual impurity. He alone forgives us, cleanses us, and brings us near to God. He alone can recapture the human heart, grant repentance from the idolatry of sexual fantasy, and reorient our lives to love and serve our Creator.
- Luke Gilkerson
Internet Community Manager
CovenantEyes.com
I think your site is truly a GOD send and I pray that GOD would continue to prosper you and your family.I have registered but I am new at the computer game.The computer can be an awesome tool but at the same time a powerful weapon of the enemy.NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US CAN PROSPER and that is what I say at least 1000 times a day. The battle belongs to the LORD be blessed…
I really appreciate this website and how tastefully done it is. I have been a Christian for nearly ten years. A good deal of those I’ve dealt with the grips of looking at pornography many times unsuccessfully. Going a month sometimes up to six and then binges a couple of days in week and then the same cycle. I guess it has been a little decieving because I’ve never spent hours and days in a row viewing porn so I felt like it wasn’t bondage. But my brethren it is and that’s why I’m trying to get help because it has a life of it’s own and wants to be feed but the price is oh so high. We’re talking eternity. God help us!
i am hoping to learn more about your site. this seems almost too good to be true. its an answer to prayer. i need this kind of relationship
the eyes tell a lot about a person. I desire my eyes and that of as many people as is divinely possible to come to the highest level of purity.
purity is sweet. it glorifies Papa God and blesses our world
I like the concept of your accountability software. Whenever I impose limits on my internet access, I only am more enticed to find ways to circumvent them. I am resonably computer literate, so I usually can. I haven’t yet tried your software, but I certainly intend to!
This is great accountability software. A life long ministry friend of mine told me about it, I love it & reccomend it to anyone who cares about their integrity and purity online!
I cannot thank covenant eyes enough nor my IS Director that put this software on my computer. I have been misusing computers for over 15 years almost daily. For 3 weeks I have not misused a computer once…NOT ONCE. My reports are “Report Looks Good” and that is the GREATEST FEELING I HAVE HAD IN YEARS. LET IT BE IN THE LIGHT…FOR ALL TO SEE.
This program is by far the best filtering program out there, ive tried them all, but i seem to be able to get through them all, this one is the best, though on occasion a proxy gets through, and then a report to CE and in 2 hrs its blocked, i pray this keeps getting better and better; i also like the accountibility thing, though my partners dont seem to ever read them…but ya, please pray for me as you read this, im still in bondage, but CE makes it oh so much harder to fall into that sin, i trust God will break me off of it, please pray for me, Thanks, GREAT PROGRAM
I recommend it to ANYONE and EVERYONE! wether adicted, just tempted, or just dont want the eventuality of popups or such to make u fall in sin, USE THIS program! and make ur wife the accountibility person if u have one, or ur GF or such. God bless u
We are in the process of developing a Father and Son ministry at our church here in Colorado. I would like to have a section on the potential dangers of the Internet, most likely Internet porn. I hope to use this valuable resource to aid in this development.
God Bless
Steve
Greeley Co.
Hello,
My name is Bert DeVries and I run a fledgling ministry based in West Michigan. My ministry is dedicated to the mentoring and support of men in Christian marriages. Purity is one piece of the puzzle in this ministry.
I love your website! I was pleasantly surprised to find all of the support services that go hand in hand with the software you offer. Looks like you’ve got an awesome thing going here.
One of the key elements of the 4BetterOr4Worse ministry is the many resources we partner with to assist men in being effective leaders in their homes and their marriages. We want to do more than offer a list of web sites and phone numbers. The resources that we offer are organizations that we have established relationships with so that we can personally move men and couples into the help they need. Organizations on our list under these terms are XXXChurch, Pregnancy Resource Center, and Life Center. It’s a good start, but we hope to add more throughout the summer (i.e. cancer support groups, depression anxiety support, etc.).
I’m interested in talking to someone from Covenant Eyes. If Anyone is going to be in or near Grand Rapids in the coming weeks please contact me.
Thank you.
Bert
I am searching for a male who would be interested in becoming an e-mail accountabilty partner. We would check in with one another on a weekly basis via e-mail and ask a few of the question questions like the ones one this link. These can be modified to whatever we see best. If interested please e-mail at clear1881@hotmail.com
Thanks Dave
Will you guys pray for me. I am struggling with homosexual porn addiction, have installed a filter, and am currently enrolled in Settingcaptivesfree.com course. pray for protection, and I can focus on my Savior.
As a pastor I’ve also fallen victim to pornography. I’ve struggled many years until nearly two years ago. At my best of times after utilizing one of the online freedom programs I lived 13 months without viewing porn. However, the draw to porn never left. I finally gave in again and found the struggle to resist the draw … even with all the principles of accountability, software filters, identity in Christ, and more always more than I could manage. Two years ago after a study of scriptures I discovered the truth about the human body that changed everything. The lure to porn, to my surprise, vanished. I’ve joined with a team of others who have shared this same truth-experience to create a website to help others experience freedom from their chains. Feel free to check it out at mychainsaregone.org.
Pastor Bill
I have been free from pornography for nearly 12 years. I have not slipped back into that lifestyle, but have been tempted lately to look at things (Non-Pornographic) but things that I know will eventually take me back to that if I can’t kill this thing before it gets started. I am frustrated that after all these years it would raise it’s ugly head in my life again. I almost lost my marriage as a result and do not want this to gain even the smallest foothold in my life. I would love to hear your thoughts, and would covet your prayers!
@Steve – Thanks for your honesty. I completely can identify with your problem. It is easy to be tempted by things that are not “pornographic” but nonetheless sexual or immodest. One of the best ways to fight this is to find someone you can get together with, every week or more often, to talk about even the little compromises or the temptations. Check out my post “Breaking the Cycle of Addiction.”
Guys,
Please pray for me! I am sick and tired of giving in. Pray for strength, deliverance, and God’s Grace. Also pray for something I could do when I am bored. Because I need the intimacy with Christ and his Love to help me stay pure for my future wife. Whom I havent met yet. I am tired of the homosexual junk. I am not a homosexual.
Guys,
I messed up again. Pray for strength to resist temptation against self-gratification. I need to make Christ the Lord of my life. Pray as I do it and also for spiritual growth. Thanks for your continued prayers. Pray for intimacy and fellowship with Christ.
Stay strong, Christopher. Remember that Christ does not always rescue us from our weaknesses, but rather he frees us up to cry out to him amidst our weaknesses so that we learn something more important that merely staying away from pornography: we learn what it means to be totally desperate for Him.
Hey Everyone –
I found an addiction recovery program that has greatly helped me in my recovery efforts. It’s Christ-centered, and they offer group meetings once a week (which have been very helpful to me). Check out the link below. You can download the PDF version of the manual, and also locate group meetings near you. http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html
I’ve learned that just refraining from looking at porn doesn’t make the addiction go away. You have to actively use Christ’s Atonement in your life on a daily basis, because only through Him can we be made whole.
I just got through completing settingcaptivesfree bible study for men who struggle with it. I need your prayers though, becuase I desire growth and fellowship with my heavenly father.
I ASK YOU TO PRAY FOR ME AS I AM A WIDIOWER THAT LOST MY WIFE AS WE BOTH LOVE SEX AND LOVE TO HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER WELL TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT SHE HAD A HEART FAILER 04/03/2009 I NOW AM A LONE BUT I THINK ABOUT IT AND STILL WANT TO HAVE IT BUT NOT INTELL I GET MARRY AGAIN.
I am in this thick 20 years of pain!!! But I know God is Good Pray 4 Me!!!! and I will pray 4 U!!
Make no mistake freedom cannot happen while we are isolated. Yes Jesus is the answer but He uses those that have found freedom to help those seeking freedom. After a 38 year journey in sexual addiction starting with porn and evolving into many other forms of the addiction including offending behaviors I hit bottom five years ago while in a motel room on a business trip. No burning bushes no light show only the self arrived conclusion that I could no longer stand the pain of the secret life. I had crossed over to my secret life and could not get back to my public and family persona. That night I made a decision that I needed help and needed to determine what my any length to get help would look like and what I would be willing to give up to get the help I needed. For the next three weeks I was in a deep depression and a very controlled acting in state while I talked to sex addiction treatment centers and imagined life without my wife of 18 years, our home, dogs, split finances and loss of job. I accepted the projected consequences and made arraingments to go to the west coast for 2 weeks of treatment. I disclosed my addiction to my wife who had no idea about my addiction in a very general way July 5,2004 and left for treatment July11,04. I completed the two week outpatient treatment doing a full disclosure to my wife face to face and agreed to go on to four weeks of inpatient treatment on the east coast. My sobriety date is July 12,2004 and I have not acted out since the night before my first day in treatment by the Grace of my Loving and LIving God. I was a hard core agnostic closing my eyes and heart to Christ for most of my life. I came to believe and committed my life to HIM three years ago. It is my belief that he was there the whole time and eventually used my suffering to break and mold me into one of HIS kids to be used for the work HE had in mind for me before I was conceived. Itis through surrendering my will that I got to know what HIS will is for me. It is my hope that readers will see this as a story of hope. The only loss I had as a result was my job while in treatment and a few days later received a call to set up an interview for the position that I currently hold with a 100% increase in pay. My wife and I have moved way beyond relationship restoration and are experiencing life like we have never known it. The secret is to take the risk of asking for help and then follow through. Then stay connected with others and give back to those seeking help from this addiction. I facilitate Christian groups, am active in a Christ based recovery Church, seperate mens ministry group, and 12 step recovery. I wish you well on this journey.
Chip
Today I begin anew. I have an accountability partner in my brother who is over 22 years sober from another addiction. I have been in the SAA 12 step program for over 11 years. I have an addiction to pornography and especially internet pornography. I am a Christian and I know God wants this relationship with me that I have not held up my end of the bargain in. I gained a lot of inspiration reading your writing above, Chip. I have been somewhat lucky in that I have not suffered a traumatic event from my “acting out”, other than my wife catching me on numerous occasions. It has been over 2 years since the last time she caught me…but I haven’t been totally “clean and sober” in that time. I have been LUCKY by the grace of God. I am going to download Covenant Eyes today. Today is my “new”birth day. I now with the help of this accountability system and the many books and workbooks I have along with thousands of hours of meetings, counseling sessions and phone calls I can do the things that God has taught me to stay sober. And that first one is to reach out to a fellow addict BEFORE I am about to visit some website that I know is off-limits in the “LIGHT”. I now also have this simple blog to come and read and share my feelings when all else is not working. I ask all who read this to pray for my recovery everyday. I ask for all who read this to let me know I am not alone and I ask that GODS WILL BE DONE…in me. I seek progress…not perfection. Thank you God for the people who created Covenant Eyes and may He bless you.
Love,
Barry
i’M on board with you Barry. No need to be alone with this anymore but it is a daily choice we have to make.
Have you figured out what your “any length” to be free looks like? For me a most important start of the process. Abstinence followed by withdrawl while engaged in a process wtih others.
I promise you will not die from not acting out.
Great to have you on the journey .
Chip
Hello,
I just wanted to thank you for maintaining this much-needed resource. Websites like yours gave me comfort in my relationship with a porn-addict several years ago. When my then-boyfriend blamed me for being too sensitive about his habit, they helped to keep me grounded in my convictions about pornography. That relationship is now over, and I’m glad to say I’ve found a husband with a much healthier lifestyle, and a much more trustworthy and devoted heart.
I also wanted to let you know that I’ve linked to you on my blog at: http://scornporn.wordpress.com
Thank you so very much for your important work!
Blessings,
Dana
Hello Dana, thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to reproduce any articles or information you see here on your own helpful blog. Hope we can flood the Internet with life-changing resources to help men and women who have been affected by this.
I tried everything, I just can’t seem to cut the self-gratification. It has taken me to the point of wondering if I am truly saved or not. It has clouded my relationship with God, dissappointed my parents, and friends, when can I control my thoughts, actions, and temptations. I am tired of feeding my flesh with lustful thoughts. God, please help me. Can I get saved again and forget about the whole thing. Pray for guidance in my relationship with Christ. Pray that I get saved if I am not saved.
@Christopher – Thanks for your comment. I know that feeling. For years it felt as if I could never have an assurance of my salvation, even to the point of seriously doubting it. Peter wrote we are to “be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure” (2 Peter 1:10) by making every effort to supplement our faith with virtue. When we don’t see the fruits of the Spirit in our life, Peter knew we would question whether we were truly saved. So did the apostle John. He wrote his first epistle so, “that you may know that you have eternal life” (1 John 5:13). He knew time would come in our lives when our own hearts would condemn us (1 John 3:20). Neither I nor anyone else can assure you of your salvation, but I recommend you read 1 John. Perhaps you can pick up a copy of John MacArthur’s Saved Without a Doubt. I pray you find peace and joy in Christ.
Thanks,
God is good, I was listening to the TV while ago and just happened to be flipping through the channels and heard this guy say if you have lust or any sin in your life right now tell it and bring it to God on your knees, I needed that encouragement. We all need encouragement sometimes. God Bless! It was Youth Network TV.
Is it possible to have an online accountability partner who is willing to ask me once a week or everyday? I asked numerous people to be my accountability partner but don’t take me seriously and tend to wait until I have done it or its too late. Another thing is they don’t ask me anything, they just think I can come and cry on their shoulder whenever that happens. This leads to self-denial, doubt, and confusion. Please if anybody wants to help me out here in this area, e-mail me at this:
chrisrexwatson-9@tds.net .
@Christopher – There is a major need for education about what real accountability looks like. Many unfortunately take a real hands-off approach to it, and for someone who’s really struggling, more is needed. There was a time in my life I had three or four people that I spoke with every day; they each took turns so each one would have one or two days a week designated to talk to me on the phone. We only spoke for about 15 minutes or so, but it gave me a chance to really be proactive about accountability. I would have to call them regardless of whether I was tempted or not. Those relationships became really dear to me over time.
Interesting, I was at Glorieta Summer Camp this summer and finally found the nerve to find someone, my own age, i told him about it and just had a release that burden, that night. Then just the other day I saw him and he asked me how it was going. I might tell him more often, if he can do that. Thanks!
I have been struggling with these types of sites for years now. I was first exposed to perverse thoughts as a child, as pornography was very covert with the men on both sides of my family. The women of my family, on both sides, knew but just accepted it as men fun. It was back in 2004 or 2005, when my Wife first became exposed to my mess, and she was obviously very hurt but God carried us through that period. I thought that I had made it over that hump, never to return. A few months ago, I began getting as series of pop-ups on my computer that were able to get around my filters. Shortly there after I wound up rationalizing and going back in. However, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, God pulled the covers even further back then the time before. He allowed my 16 year old step-daughter to see me logged into a site (not pornographic, but any is just as bad), she went to her Father, My Wife, My friends – The Pastor and the Youth Minister. The Pastor called me and said lets go to lunch. He advised me that he had received a call with regards to some accusations that he had received a call about regarding me, but because I didn’t go on the site on a regular basis, I denied it based on the fact that my mind was saying that “it couldn’t be…I am back here again”. This past weekend my Wife confronted me with my issues, and I tried to lie my way out to save face in my marriage, to avoid not only the disappointment in her eyes, but in her face as well. My marriage is in a difficult place at this time, but I believe that God is still able and I have repented. My Wife is a woman of God, but here responses to me have been very cold and stinging. Last evening she told me that she has gotten used to not having a man. Though it hurt, I understand why she is saying it, and I have to accept it. It is interesting that all this has come to light, as I am preparing to preach this Sunday’s message. To be truthful, I am really struggling with the thought of just giving up the Ministry all together, though I am sure of my Salvation. I know that it is Satan, but where I am right now, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I do love my Wife very much. The thought of encouraging others, while seeing the hurt in her eyes that I have caused, has restricted me in my Spirit before Sunday even arrives. For so long we have helped to restore so many marriages, but now look at this! I am in a place of disgust with myself, as well as with the condition that I have caused. The trust that we had worked to rebuild from the first incident has been severely breached. I really think that the reason that issue was not really dealt with in 2004-2005, was due to the fact that my then Pastor was in the same situation. Therefore, I can’t hold you accountable to a standard that I am not accountable to myself.
@Rev. Mark – Thanks for your honesty. It is so hard for those in full-time ministry to make admissions like this. I also understand what that is like: I lived for years as a full-time campus minister, single, surrounded by temptations, and struggling deeply with pornography addiction. Some surveys suggest a third of pastors have struggled with this in some fashion. One survey suggests it may be up to 50%. Being distant from your situation, any advice I give may seem shallow, but for what its worth, consider some of these suggestions:
1. Make an anonymous call to The Parsonage. This is a ministry of Focus on the Family to ministers and their families, including a pastoral care phone line (1-877-233-4455; 9:00 am – 4:00 pm, Mountain Time). A few years ago, 20% of the calls they received were from ministers who are struggling with Internet porn temptations. They might have some good advice for you.
2. There a couple good books you might want to consider reading: The Pornography Trap, by Ralph H. Earle Jr. and Mark R. Laaser (specifically for pastors struggling with sexual addiction), and Breaking the Silence, by Bernie Anderson (lead pastor of the Wasatch Hills Seventh-day Adventist Church in Salt Lake City, Utah). Another good book is Nate Larkin’s Samson and the Pirate Monks (a good book with a goofy title). You can watch his video testimony here.
3. Consider what encouraging and teaching others looks like amidst being honest about your own struggles. It could be that your honesty before other men could open them up to speaking about their struggles as well. The right timing and circumstances is, of course, important to consider.
Thanks again for your comment, Mark.
My name is brandon I am addicted to internet porn and I really need someone to help me with this. I am going to counseling for this and for my marriage. I have been married for three years and I have a 2 year old daughter. I really want to kick this really bad addiction please help me, my email is brandongodbee@gmail.com. Thanks
What is the cost of the filter and accountability software for the year? Also, I feel numb in my walk with Christ, how can I feel close to him again?
I am only a college student and have no money right now, and need the software real bad. Are there any discounts or any promotions. Please Help!!
@Christopher – For the year, it is $84.99 for the accountability, and $18.00 for the filter, coming to $102.99. If you add users the pricing changes. We also have a hardship program and will give you the program for free for 3 months at a time. All you need to do is call our toll free number to get it set up: 877-479-1119.
Whopper of a question about feeling numb in your walk with Christ, but I will offer my $0.02 worth. For sure, some numbness is just a result of living in our fallen bodes. Our emotions are bound to ebb and flow based on a variety of unseen factors. However, if you have noticed a chronic coldness in your heart, this is certainly a reason for you to look inside and see what might be causing it.
I believe what you might be describing is a lack of joy. I firmly believe that the chief purpose our existence is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever (to quote the Westminster Confession). We are called to a profound enjoyment of God for all that He is. This enjoyment of God not only trumps our desires for sin, but brings a lasting satisfaction to our souls. Far too few Christians can testify to the special moments, let alone regular occurrences, where they feel an all-consuming joy in who God is.
I know in my own life my longing for joy was misinformed and misdirected by bad theology. I believed joy was something that was supposed to flow through me like electricity through a wire. Joy was meant to be an effortless venture. I treated the Holy Spirit more like an energy drink than a Person. I believed joy was blocked because of hindrances in me, that all I needed to do was find the emotional blocker and pray it away.
What I’ve learned is that joy must be fought for, that joy comes out of active meditation and prayer, not passive receptivity, and that joy comes out of a relentless focus on the excellencies of Christ, not endless navel-gazing. When I find my emotional well is dry, behind that dryness is days or weeks of focusing too much on myself and my circumstances, and not nearly enough gazing into the beauty of God.
I recommend you read Desiring God by John Piper. In particular his appendix entitled, “How Then Shall We Fight For Joy?” is very good, giving fifteen great places to start when striving for joy in our lives (p.353-367). The whole book is good, really. Plus you can read it for free online.
You can also listed to a recent sermon I preached: “Holy Lust – Fighting Sin with the Longings of the Spirit.”
Hope these suggestions are a help to you.
I dont really believe in some of the answers this website gives. Its always read this book or listen to this sermon as if some amount of christian intelligence can break me from an addiction that is so psychologically and physiologically hardcore its ridiculous. What a joke! I’d rather try to exercise for 6 hours a day as a way to beat this then read another book.
Plus I dont really care so there!
@Andrew – Sorry you don’t care. Looks like this blog isn’t for you. And I disagree that this site is as simplistic as “read this book or listen to this sermon.” You will find, if you read through the resources, there is far more available here than just that.
In the struggling section:
“My husband watches pornography, and I want him to stop. Who can I talk to?”
Talk to yourself. Talk yourself into fulfilling his sexual needs. You’ll enjoy it as well.
That, my friends, is the answer to ending a pornographic addiction.
Mr. Gilkerson and Covenant Eyes:
Thank you so much for your work and dedication to the Body of Christ and to the lost. I am a college student who grew up in a constant Christian environment and I am very thankful for it. But as soon as I went to college at a State University, things got hard fast. I became quickly addicted to pornography, and hid it from my family. I repented once with my dad, but then I fell right back in a couple months later. I felt like I had ruined my mind and my heart. I could never think of any woman without defiling myself. My friend who is a youth pastor told me he used Covenant Eyes and told me to make myself accountable. I still struggle a lot, but I have a friend who reminds me of what God sees all the time, that I have to answer for my actions and thoughts. I thank you so much for your investment and wanted to tell you how grateful I am for God’s work through you. I know I have fallen, but God has given me grace and a spirit of contrition. I know one day, God willing, that I will have to explain to my wife my sin and failure, and that weighs on me every day. If you would not mind lifting me up in prayer, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks and God Bless!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband is addicted to pornography. We have been married 10 years. This past year he became very cold and hardened towards me–I could not take it, I thought I was going to become very ill if I stayed around him anymore. He would not touch me or even speak to me at times. I wanted to take a breather and get my head straight. He did not have a computer at home and would not agree to accountability software or counseling for our problems. I have confronted him about this numerous times over the past few years and we were even seperated before. He would not agree to any type of accountability. When I tried to talk to him about reconciliation this time he told me, ” I am over it.” Very cold and matter of fact. I am a Christian and do not know where to go from here. We have been living apart for three months. He does not contact me and I suspect is living as a single person. I feel like he used me and is now waiting on me to file for divorce. I am fasting and praying for his salvation. I think I am still in shock over how he just threw me away. Do any Christians still believe in miracles? I know he has to be broken and want to repent. Pastors, friends, family say just move on. He has no one to hold him accountable or that has even questioned what happened. His friends and family are acting like, oh well, be happy, find someone else. ??
Anne,
I really want to commend you for your faithfulness despite how terribly your husband has treated you, despite the sting of rejection, despite the well-meaning advice you have received from family and friends. Your loyalty is a rare and precious thing in a world that knows very little about promises or commitment, and has little regard for the sanctity of the one-flesh bond God seals when two people join in marriage. I also want to express my profound sorrow for the pain you have suffered repeatedly and for so long. When you stood before God and witnesses, and committed yourself to the man of your dreams, you accepted the possibility of sickness and poverty, but certainly not the nightmare that has left you so alone and misunderstood.
You deserve better.
I’m sure more than one person has assured you that his sinful compulsion is not your fault; he chose this existence for himself. Moreover, his retreating from you is the result of an all-consuming shame and self-loathing that envelops addicts who are deep in their addiction, so be assured that his coldness has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you. Porn and intimacy cannot coexist in the same mind, so he feels compelled to keep you and anyone who loves him at a distance as he clutches his compulsion tighter.
You have undoubtedly discovered that nothing you do will ever cause your husband to get well. And I’m sure you have surrendered to that truth many times. Trouble is, once you have accepted that only he can choose healing, where does that leave you? Feels like you’re left holding something in your hands, doesn’t it? Your family and friends have urged you to toss “it” aside and move on, but that’s not easily done for a couple of reasons. First, you’re not exactly sure what “it” is, but it feels too important to simply throw away. Second, whatever “it” is, it’s a part of you.
What you hold in your hands is your marriage. More than a covenant. More than a status. More than a living arrangement. It is the sum total of your hopes and dreams, your future self as the wife of your husband and the mother of his children. It is all the “could-have-beens” you once shared as a couple, but now you hold alone. This is what your family and friends glibly suggest you toss aside like it’s nothing and “move on.”
You are right to treasure your once-shared future, dead as it is. But, as you know, you can’t hold it forever. Rather than discard it, let me recommend another course of action. It’s a radical approach that might seem counterintuitive, but as you think it through, I’m sure you’ll see the logic as many others have. Your husband has left you to dispose of the marriage. In short, you’re going to hand it back to him through a process called “redemptive divorce.”
Anne, I have been where you are. Different issue, but the same circumstance. After my ordeal, I encountered many, many people struggling as you do now. That’s what prompted me to write “Redemptive Divorce: A Biblical Process That Offers Guidance for the Suffering Partner, Healing for the Offending Spouse, and the Best Catalyst for Restoration.”
The redemptive divorce process is a carefully planned act of tough-love that follows a biblical model of godly confrontation. It communicates realistic expectations to your wayward husband and provides a means of genuine accountability. Redemptive divorce draws a clear line in the sand, refusing to tolerate unrepentant sin. But rather than condemn and reject your husband, it offers hope and restoration. It also places the marriage back in his hands in a way that he cannot ignore.
The redemptive divorce process may or may not turn your husband around, but it stands the best chance of any. If, after you have applied this approach, he fails to commit himself to repentance, healing, restoration, and ultimately complete commitment to the Lord and his marriage, your faithfulness will have established once and for all that nothing would have. Moreover, the choice to throw away your marriage will have been his, not yours. While that doesn’t seem important now—especially as you hope to save your marriage—it will be an important distinction later if he eventually chooses porn over your marriage.
If you choose to pursue the redemptive divorce process with your husband, the days ahead won’t be easy. This is not a quick fix. It is not a means by which you can reform or control your dysfunctional mate, nor will it heal your wounds overnight. And the faith this process requires will challenge you like nothing you have yet faced. It will, however, provide the best opportunity for your mate to surrender his life to God and the best way to reclaim dignity and sanity for yourself. I cannot guarantee that your marriage will be saved, but if you will follow the process carefully, if you faithfully and prayerfully apply these principles, a surprising and delightful future waits for you.
Wow. I read your email and wept. Paragraph three expresses what I have not been able to put into words. How I just cannot get a release to throw “it” away. You are right I do not know what “it” is–I feel like I have lived in two worlds— reality, and then I periodically visit this other world of reality I think my husband lives in. It is difficult for me to establish which parts of the past ten years were genuine and which were lies.
Worst of all, my 17 year old step daughter has stopped speaking to me. I ended up with health problems (probably because my body really knew the truth and manifested a disease that eventually destroyed my female organs…) So I feel if I give up, not only do I break my covenant with God, I lose a child I love and a future with her.
I understand this road could be long and difficult. Really, what choice do I have? This is an opportunity to live out the example Christ has set before us. What greater mission than that of winning your spouse?
I must admit my flesh is a bit overwhelmed. “Greater is He who is in me…”and how else could this miracle occur? I will get your book tomorrow and read it. I will pray for understanding. I have a lot of questions about what I am to do next. I am stuck in limbo.
Thank you so much for responding. No one really understands…my friends say, move on while you are still young….
Anne,
I am deeply grateful you feel at least some small measure of hope. I truly believe it will become the core of a new future, a new life, and a new you.
Others in your world may not understand. You have lived in a murky, confused world twisted by dysfunction–even before you knew it. It’s okay. A very few may understand later; most will not.
Regardless, you’re beginning a new journey. Today you stop trying to fix your marriage or trying to get others to see your plight and hear your pleas. Today you focus on pursuing Christ, who will show you what to do and will give you the strength to do it. As you obey, doing what you know to be right deep within, He will use “all things” to reach your wayward husband. And if your husband is to be saved, if your marriage is to be restored, the Lord will do the work. If you haven’t already, hand that responsibility to Him.
I commend your decision to pursue redemption. Regardless of the outcome, your choosing to extend grace in the form of tough love–VERY tough love–allows you to receive everything that is God’s. He never fails to honor our submission to the law of grace. He always honors a step of genuine faith.
You are not alone. He is with you, and He has people waiting to assist you on your new journey. He will bring them to you at the right time.
As I hit the little “Submit Comment” button, I also talk to our Father about you.
I cannot fathom the peace I feel right now because of the software I downloaded. I know God has great things in store for me. I have just installed covenant eyes. Praise God! for his goodness. Please Reply!
If the internet is used to defile, can it not also be used for good and for God’s glory??!!!
@David – Absolutely! A great book that talks about this is Virtual Integrity by Dan Lohrmann, where he not only outlines the importance of “surfing your values,” but also being a cyber-ambassador for good.