Husbands Who Watch Porn (Part 4) – Wives are asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
What do Christie Brinkley and Tea Leoni have in common? Both of them are high profile celebrities and have international notoriety for their physical beauty.
Both of them have also been married to alleged porn addicts.
Often the wives of men who regularly look at porn will write to us and ask “What’s wrong with me?” This is a cutting question that is difficult to answer in the midst of a highly emotional situation. Often these women are convinced that if they were simply prettier or met a certain physical standard, their husbands wouldn’t be drawn to porn. Often women get these impressions directly from their husbands.
But the stories of these celebrities demonstrate otherwise. Peter Cook, Brinkley’s ex-husband, spent $3000 on his Internet porn addiction. Recently, actor David Duchovny, Leoni’s husband, has checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic for his Internet porn addiction.
Marrying the next top model will not entice a man away from his porn addiction. This is because a fixation on pornography is not merely a fixation on a certain type of physical beauty. To be sure: pornography does condition a man (or woman) to objectify others, to rate them according to the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts. But pornography addiction is a multi-layered problem:
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1. A Fixation on Variety and Novelty
The human brain loves novelty. When we experience a new pleasing image or sensation, our bodies release an extra dose of pleasure-producing chemicals. This is a built-in mechanism that encourages us to experience and explore new things. The other side of the coin is that most stimuli become less attractive to us as they become familiar or predictable. We know this from experience in all areas of life.
Pornography is cleverly packaged and presented sexual novelty—especially Internet pornography. Each new picture or video clip promises a new sensation. Each link presents a virtually endless road marked with thousands of women in thousands of pornographic scenarios. People who have gone down the road of Internet porn and found themselves trapped are not just drawn to the images, but they are also drawn to the variety of images.
Think about it this way: Why don’t most guys just log on, find one image of a woman they find appealing, and be done with it? Why keep searching and searching? Why spend hours online? Because it’s not just about finding something that sexually stimulates: it’s about the search; it’s about the options. They’ve just walked into a virtual brothel where they have their pick of the litter. Those addicted to Internet porn can confess to this: when they log on, they aren’t looking for sexual release right away. They will prolong the searching as long as they can.
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2. A Fixation on Fantasy
The human brain is also wired for relationships. When a mother first holds her newborn baby or when lovers first hold hands, the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin are released. These serve as social bonding hormones.
When a man views pornography these same hormones are released (along with a soup of other pleasure chemicals, such as testosterone, dopamine and serotonin). In other words, the brain is tricked into thinking it is having a sexual encounter and doesn’t know the difference. As a result, the man begins to literally “bond” to the pornographic images rather than to another person.
When a man has spent considerable time in the world of Internet pornography, he has essentially trained his body to respond to fantasy images instead of bonding and connecting with real people (such as his wife). It is an easy road to start down. Relationships can be complicated: they involve truly knowing, caring for, and serving another person at the expense of our own desires. Even when a man shares a pleasurable sex-life with his wife, the offer of pornography can still be appealing because it offers a shortcut to sexual release without the hassle of interaction.
Pornography offers a man a world of fantasy rather than interaction, pixels rather than a heart-to-heart connection with another person.
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3. A Fixation on Self
Ultimately, any addiction is a fixation on self—something that drives a person to throw away things and relationships that are otherwise important to him in order to have the desired sensation.
For some men pornography is an endless search for ego-fulfillment. Somewhere in their minds they believe the age-old lie that a man is only worth the beautiful women he can win. The pornographic images provide a canvas for him to paint his personal fantasies: he can picture himself as the one enticing these picture-perfect women. Underneath his porn addiction is a deeper addiction: his perceived need to be validated by these women.
For some men pornography is like a medication they take to cope with unresolved emotional pain: Loneliness, failure and fear; and when a man doesn’t want to face these emotions with raw honesty, he will seek to drown them in other activities or experiences. More than likely, he isn’t even aware of these deep-seeded emotions, but the sexually stimulating rush of watching pornography can provide a powerful escape.
No matter the underlying motive, the draw of pornography is caused by a fixation on self: a perceived need to always “feel good” or comforted, to feel important or attractive, or wanted or rewarded.
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Getting to the Root of the Problem
If you are a woman married to a man who compulsively uses pornography, one of the best things you can do for yourself is acknowledge that you are not the root of the problem. One of the best things he can do for himself and for his marriage is to start getting to the REAL the roots of the problem.
In reality, his porn addiction is only a symptom of a much deeper problem. There are no quick fixes. Turning from a long-term addiction will involve (1) realizing and confessing deeper sins, and (2) resolving to root out these issues for the long haul.
Reading for Husbands:
“No matter what I do, I can’t seem to quit looking at pornography.”
Reading for Wives:
“My husband watches pornography, and I want him to stop. Who can I talk to?”
Luke, I am so grateful for you and this blog. Your information is so useful and important. You stand tall!
Wonderful article. I hope that this will help many women understand that they aren’t the cause of the problem, and like my pastor once told me, it isn’t a rejection of them. It took me a long time to believe that.
I’m happy to see that there is someone out there encouraging people to break free from this addiction and I love the accountability software you offer. (I’ve not used it, just love the idea of it.) I wish I had known about this site when I was still married. It might have helped me feel less alone in my situation. Thanks for getting the word out there and God bless.
My experience with this issue in my marriage has become numbing and debilitating. I have found myself unable to function normally and just live out my plans when I see that my hubby has been watching porn again.
Feelings of inadequacy have been plaguing me to the point of shopping for lingerie and imagining other women must be involved. Certainly this is commiting adultery in the heart (I know that bible says this somewhere), but I have become so consumed that I started to suspect real life issues.
Well this article has helped me to see that it is possible for him to have a need fulfilled on the computer and not actually need to have a real woman because well real women are complicated. If in fact this is functioning as a short cut around real relationship to intimacy and real affirmation to fantasy–an affair might not do that job at the end of the day when the novelty wears out.
So as sad as I am that my hubby is unaffectionate and not sexually interested, I am also glad to know that the issue is not me. This is pushing my prayer life to new plateaus!!
Ms. K
I find it strange that I get so much attention from complete strangers everyday, but my own husband would rather look at internet porn behind my back.
When I confronted him about it, he got defensive and responded with answers like, “i haven’t been to that site in a while”, or, “I don’t look at what you do”. As if that logic makes it all ok. Although I daresay that if I started downloading images of hot hunk men, he might have something to say about it. Ah the male ego.
This issue is so ironic, because I am so open minded and don’t have issues watching porn. In fact, I enjoy watching porn.(I am very voyeuristic) I worked in the adult industry and know a thing or two about men. In fact joking that I never wanted to be the wife because of all the baggage it came with. I have come to the realization that no matter what I do for him(erotic photos, fantasy nights, (he slept through the last one that I planned), etc, he will never be truly interested in me. I think I was the chase and prize, which is also very primal. Now he needs to hunt for another.
Now the decision is, do I plan on staying in an empty, dishonest relationship, or end it before 20 years pass me by. I am not sure I am at all willing to play second fiddle to fantasy. Especially when he does not acknowledege that he has an issue.
Side note, before we got married, I took him to weekly pre marital counseling. I found porn in all three of his VCR’s and asked if he watched porn, to which he responded “those aren’t mine”. I should have known back then.
I am grateful for finding this article and am thankful that I am not alone.
Miss Kimmi
I believe you hit it right on the head Miss Kimmi. I can go throughtout a whole day with my husband and half of the time was acutally spent on him hawlk eyeing this guy for staring at me too hard, or his comments about how he always see guys staring at me. I ask him why he thinks these guys are staring at me, and he tells me it’s because the exotic look I have about me, the same reason he had to have me.
I guess I should have known from the start, things don’t ever change. I hate how things are always so good in the beginning, like how no one else in the world matters but you two. Then a year passes and you feel like that dingy teddy bear back from 3rd grade. When I got pregnant with our first daughter, that’s when things started changing. You know how women say being pregnant was the best time of their life. Not mine, no sir! I actually got to the point to where I really hated being pregnant, I always felt like a cow. I remember always wanting sex, anytime, anywhere it didn’t matter, but he never wanted to. That made me feel worse, like he couldn’t stand the sight of me. He always assured me that was never the case, that he always thought I was gorgeous. It wasn’t until that one night after getting so mad that he didn’t want to get intimate I feel asleep. I woke up around 4 to find an empty bed, confused I walked into the living room only to find my husband on the computer with like 20 different porn pics,videos, whatever up. I was so mad, I felt so betrayed. I always thought why would any man want to watch porn, if their wife or whatever was right in the next room? They always have a different excuse. It has eventually got to the point to where I would go and monitor my husbands activity like he was a child. Come on, I should be doing that to my kids not my husband. He always would tell my that he wouldn’t do it again. Well needless to say I finally had enough, this last time he did it I put my foot down, I now lock my computer, and he has to ask me to put my password in before he can even get on. I know this wont help for long, and this isn’t the kind of person I am, or want to be. I just wonder why if all these other guys see something in me and my husband sees that they do, why can he?
Ok, now I’m thinking in the back on my head, well you talk all this about how beautiful I am to you, and how you know how much other guys would kill to be with me, but yet you still ( when giving the chance) would look at porn in a flash. I’m 22 and my husband is 26. We have been together for about 5 years and married for almost a year. We even have two beautiful little girls. You know, looking back I never would have thought I would ever be facing this kinda problem especially so early in my marriage. I thought it at least took 10
I came across my husbands extensive porn stash on an external hard drive this past friday while he was out of town at a conference. I called him and confronted him in tears and so much pain that I just can’t describe. He confessed that he has viewing porn for the past year and that he has a problem and needed help. The thing is is that we went down this road 3 years ago and we went to couples counseling and things seemed great. Now we are at square one. It has been a rough road this past year for us and I reached out to him so many times and I batteered myself up beacause Im not pretty enough or I’m fat or whatever I could summon up about myself.. Its gotta be me right? Our sex life disintergrated but I always thought he was stressed becuase I lost my job, our dog died and I didn’t get into school. I put myself into such a depression and then I ome to find out that he is coping by watching and downloading porn. I feel such betrayal, hurt, anguish, pain and on and on. Just writing those feelings down has made me cry thAT I can;t see this keyboard. He found this site for me and has begun to look for a counselor. I hope we make it. He has been very forthright and admitted his problem but I have to wonder how long it would have gone on if I hadn’t found out about. I am hopeful and I want to be supportive but my pain is so great.
Please let’s not allow Satan to do this to us. So here we go, hubby falls to the porn, we fall to rejection and so on. we do not fight flesh and blood. THIS IS A BATTLE. Satan is serious about this, are we? This is nothing about beauty, weight, looks at all. This is about demonic doorways that have been opened in their lives. Am I pretty enough? No! No one will ever fill that job. Simply because Satan does not care about how we look, he wants our souls. Now God has told us that we have the power to tread upon serpents. Let’s get to it. Jesus never said it would be easy. Just think about what our fellow saints endured. This is done to distract the church from doing what we’ve have been told to do. Feed God’s sheep, reach the lost. Instead we allow the cares of the world choke the life from us. I say let us stand girls! We are children of a King. Let look to the hills from which comes our help, our help comes from the Lord. Our husbands are just that, our husbands. However God is still God and He is able to keep us. He is able to deliver us. Saul did become Paul, right? Now let us put faith to work and dress daily in the armour of the Lord. I love u and pray for us all.
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So, basically (this scenario happened to me unfortunately), the woman loves you and promises to give more intimacy and share with you her heart and body in physical and emotional pleasure, but continues to do the same routine of distance everyday and telling you to leave her alone so I need to release to get that out of the way and then feel bad because it wasn’t with her means she isn’t the root of the problem and it’s all my fault and I have a deep rooted “sin” for needing some form of release when I couldn’t get it from someone I love? Wow, women are free of blame yet again, hooray! It must be nice to be able to scapegoat problems on men’s needs and wants when women are just as guilty of wanting a muscle bound macho man rather than a portly, hairy “slob” like me. Thank you so much for making me realize that I am always to be at fault.
You need to get some help and stop posting on this site. You have no idea the pain that women go through over this. I loved having sex with my husband before he made me feel inadequate with porn. Isn’t there a men’s blog that you could post on? You are not helping anyone. You sound like you hate women. If you are so unhappy then why don’t you just leave and stop hurting her?