Dr. Phil on Porn
I recently read a brief article by Dr. Phil called “Is Internet Porn Cheating?” I’ve reprinted the article in full below:
It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
- Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
- Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.
- Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
- You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
- Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
- Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
- Do you justify the behavior by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
- Does it intrude on your relationship?
- Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
I really appreciate Dr. Phil taking a stance like this. So many counselors and psychiatrists are trained to never say always (few counselors today will put a foot down and say that pornography and cybersex is “always” wrong). It is refreshing to read advice like this in popular media.
Dr. Phil is very straightforward in his article. As he always has, I believe people struggling with pornography addiction, including myself, should be confronted of the harm it is causing relationships to fail or break up. Like having an affair, pornography tends to take on a role of a third party lover in the marital relationship and take away what really belongs to the husband and the wife. I also appreciate this article and hope that it steer someone’s course to recovery from pornography addiction as it is doing in me.
Okay… after finding this site, I’m really glad to know that it’s not just me who’s left dealing with this pornography issue in a relationship. I’ve been clueless on how to handle my loved ones addiction to internet porn. Our relationship has ended a few times over it and this final time is the last straw. This man is the love of my life. We have an amazing (blended) family together and a happy home life. That is, until I find this terrible heart stabbing proof on the computer. I’m just devistated. His reasoning goes from: “every man looks at porn” to “it’s completely normal” to “I haven’t had sex in a week and a man has needs” to “it’s okay, because it’s rated the #1 porn site on the internet” to “I’ve grown up around porn so it’s just normal to me”. To me, this is just unacceptable.
True story, I grew up my entire life with a cokehead as a mother. Since “I’ve grown up around it” does that make it “normal” and “okay” for me to take cocaine?! Aboslutely not… so that’s no excuse.
Why wreck the home, break your lovers heart and ruin your life as you know it?! It’s not worth it… just ask my ex.
I am glad to read those comments, and hear a MALE opinion thats exactly similar to mine. For the past year, I’ve been lied to repeatedly over this porn. Its never been an issue in my past relationships, and finally after the 5th time, I’ve had enough. Anyone that “Claims” to love me, but cant keep his eyes away from porn sites, is NOT FOR ME. I’ve spoken and communicated with him time and time again, about how this makes me feel. I’ve been lied to over and over again, by him saying that he will not have anything to do with it again, only to find it again and again. So, I made the decision to leave. In my opinion, he says porn is “Not real” , well, my decision to leave him WAS. So, he made his choice, and I hope hes happy with it. Because I’m happier not having to worry about the next membership hes signing up to behind my back.
I’m glad that nikki brought up a good point. a man who loves his porn more than his wife is better off being left to himself. the worse thing about it is that time is of the essence, and when a man spends most of his time on porn, less time will he give his wife, which is the very thing that a woman wants from a man–time. porn is likened unto a person when time is spent on her. the excited, though, comes when a man engages in a self-gratification habit, which perpetuates the addictive disadvantage. what i mean by disadvantage is when a man goes again and again to porn because it is not an advantage, not satisfying as in a real relationship between a man and a woman, a wife and a husband. nikki’s boyfriend should find himself an accountability partner and be determined to obtaining his recovery. like a drug addict or an alcoholic, there has to be a willingness to get himself out of the addiction the same way he got in the first place, that is, say NO to pornography constantly. before he would find it easy to get on porn because he had already said YES to it. now, he has to practice daily how to say NO to it at its onset. he has to remember that it is a daily thing along with the help of the accountability partner to lift him up whenever his arms are waning. believe me, this is how i’ve been set free from the danger of this silent addiction every man seems to have.
I did not truly realize how prevalent the addiction to porn is in this world. My husband has been indulging since he was 12 or 13. When he became and adult he found it easier to create fantasies in his mind with pictures and movies and then masturbate. He lusts with his eyes constantly. Wherever he goes he is on the hunt to gratify his eyes. He finds it more fulfilling to do this and less work than actually having a relationship with me.
I am so hurt, angry, and disgusted and so extremely shocked that people who call themselves Christians could indulge in such a perverted thing. I want to love my husband, I want to satisfy his ‘need and wants’ any where any time, even with three small children. I have never denied myself to him, but he often denies himself to me. He seems to get more enjoyment from the fantasy.
I am not claiming to be perfect. I have many things that I am dealing with. Mostly I am in the process of losing weight. This makes my husbands addiction undermine my self esteem even more. I know that I need to bring my life into balance to truly honor the Lord. So I understand the power that an addiction can have, but I also know from experience that it is possible and necessary to say ‘No’ to ourselves!!!
We truly do need to take an offensive position as a church, redeemed by Jesus Christ. We must not sit back and do nothing, we need to act, we must speak out!
Dr. Phil has an interesting opinion and advice for someone who employs a makeup artist who spent eleven years in the porn industry. “Get real” “straight shooter”, and get lost while you’re at it.