A Marriage Restored (Part 3): one woman tells her story about her husband’s porn addiction
The following is a guest post by Laura Booz. Laura is on the speaking team of Pure Freedom, a ministry dedicated to equipping men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity. She attends Penns Valley Community Church with her husband Ryan and is the proud mother of two children: Vivienne and Lia.
For more information about this story listen to Ryan’s testimony on his blog, Grounded.
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Part 3: The Circles of Restoration
I turned to face the married couples as I explained, “We no longer agree with the simplistic counselor-office triangle of one spouse on one side of the base, the other spouse on the opposite side of the base, and God at the top of the triangle,” as I drew a big fat X through the triangle diagram. “It’s not because we’re triangle snobs, it’s simply because we’ve learned that a marriage requires a complex universe of elements in order to survive. These days, we’re pretty convinced that a marriage thrives when it looks a little more like this.”
I began to draw one concentric circle inside another one, inside another one, inside another one, until I had drawn five. As I guided the chalk around the circle on the chalkboard, I considered how far God had taken Ryan and me in the past couple of years: somehow, we had come through the devastation of Ryan’s persistent pornography addiction, the grueling process of redefining “husband” and “wife,” the humility of submitting to godly mentors, and the pleasure of being miraculously reconciled.
The intimate crowd at the marriage retreat listened respectfully as Ryan and I shared our journey: Ryan emphasized the importance of undaunted and persistent male mentors who taught and required him to sacrifice everything in order to follow Christ, and I explained the revolution of becoming Ryan’s helper and friend instead of his boss and competitor. We hoped that our story would inspire other people to address “unmentionable” marital issues and trust God to walk them into victory. From the looks on our audience members’ faces, I could tell that some of them were ready to stop tolerating pornography, lust, misplaced leadership, and ugly criticism in order to gain more Christ-like marriages.
They bent their heads over their notebooks and copied the concentric circles that I was drawing on the board. They labeled each one as I identified the circles from the innermost core to the outermost rim:
God
Marriage
Mentors
Family
Christian Community
I explained that each of these elements must be vibrantly present in a marriage, and in this order. Like the planets that are hung delicately in space, these relational elements are ordained by God for a balanced life. If we wrongly prioritize or eliminate one of these precious elements, our marriages begin to teeter-totter, and eventually fall apart. Ryan piped in that we have chosen some tough lifestyle changes and have made significant sacrifices in order to pursue this balance. He listed a handful of examples:
- We became members of a church that not only prioritizes the Word of God, but also promotes transparency and community;
- We joined a small “Community Group” from our church that has met weekly and talked deeply for the past three years;
- We canceled television so that we would spend more face-to-face time together as a couple;
- We pursued mentors who we call, email, and visit frequently;
- We’ve installed filters and Covenant Eyes accountability software on our computers that both protect us from unsolicited temptations and demand that we keep our lives open to accountability partners.
As Ryan spoke about these changes in our marriage, I stepped back from the lime-light and took a look at him for a long moment. In him, I saw a man who had unveiled a terrible and omnipresent temptation; a man who had faced his own humanity and sinfulness; a man who had chosen to fall in the arms of Christ and obey Him step by step, even when the choices were tough. This was a new man: a new husband who inspired me to become a new wife, one who would honor God, respect her husband, listen to wise counsel, and immerse herself in a family and community that would help her to build her home well.
Several years ago, when I discovered those vile images on Ryan’s computer, I sobbed, and despaired, and fell apart. God spoke gentle hope to my heart that my marriage would change; I never would have guessed that the practical, prayerful, pointed steps of humble obedience—on my part, Ryan’s part, our mentors’ part, our church’s part—would result in a miracle this breathtaking.
I just wanted to say again how much I appreciate you sharing your story. I think the more people who speak out about this devastating problem and offer hope to those who are struggling, the better.
Laura, thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives great hope to those who are in the same spot you were once in.
What can I say, except thank you? As I read your last entry, specifically about how you stepped back and looked at your husband, tears flooded my heart; I want that too. For yrs now, my husband has struggled with this; every time i find out, he says he’s sorry, he won’t do it again,etc, but after hearing it so many times, I’ve almost given up that it will ever change. There are financial circumstances that prevent me from leaving right now, (which is good, bc that is my first tendancy when I’m hurt; to run) but more than that, I do want our marriage to work, even if sometimes the only reason i can think of that’s good enought to want it, is for the sake of our children. Some days i want it for us too, as a cpl, but as someone else on here said, my emotions can change so fast. I absolutely believe God can heal and deliver from this addiction, but the man has to be fully committed to it. My husband has finally agreed to counciling, and this is pretty much it for me. I’m not going to allow myself to keep getting put through this again, so if you happen to read this, please pray that he commits fully to giving it to God so our marriage can be restored. Otherwise, I don’t know how we can stay together. Not only bc of what it’s doing to me, but because if I know I’ll never be able to trust him, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us for me to stay. In Jesus name, this will be the start on the road of deliverance. I know it will be hard, but I’m willing to stay by his side if he will actually follow through this time. Sorry to ramble; it’s just when you have no one to talk to about such things, I guess in a forum like this, where no one knows us personally, the floodgates just open. Thanks for reading (if you did) and thanks for praying (I believe you will ) and most of all, thanks for sharing, as you have. You’ve given me hope that even after yrs, a man can change. PS did you go through a time (the last time) where you didn’t want to be intimate after you found out? If so, do you have any advice? I just feel so dead inside that way. thanks.
Daphne – I just read your comment: it’s the middle of November. Would you mind letting me know how things are at this point? If you’d like, you may email me: laura@laurabooz.com. I am praying for you.
I am pregnant, 3 weeks from my due date, and just discovered for the nth time (I have lost count) that my husband has been viewing porn. I don’t think now is the right time to leave, as that would be completely destabilizing to the health and wellbeing of my pregnancy, but obviously the hurt I have gone through over and over is not good either. Should I reveal my husband’s problem to a pastor-friend without his permission? We have discussed him going to such friends in the past, but he always says he will take care of it. I am a peacemaker and so have tried to give him space to figure this out – I don’t want to be his mom – but how do you know when enough is enough?
I am 35 years old and just given birth to our 3rd child last month. since my 4months pregnancy we didn’t have sex til’ now. i discovered my husband addicted to porn about 6 months ago. i checked his computer and noticed that every night he was looking at the porn pictures or video, instead of working. when i figured it out and i talked to him. he said he is not addicted, it’s normal. he just looking around. but our sex life is not good. he likes to avoid me by saying that he’s tired. but i pushed him to do it every once a week. it i didn’t.. we might not have it for a month.
can i seek a help without his permission?? because i know that he would not do it by himself.
Brenda,
I do recommend you seek some sort of help for yourself. At this time you are needing support as you feel your husband pulling away from you. As for trying to get help for him, if he is resistant this may be too quick a move. I would recommend finding a good counselor who can first work with you in your emotions, and then see what he/she recommends about bringing your husband into the picture.
Please read this to find out about good counseling: http://ccef.org/how_to_choose.asp
This story and the audio from Ryan’s blog were pretty powerful. I’m not married yet, but in considering marriage in the near future it has been very powerful motivation to avoid this crap like the Swine Flu. I’ve been under the grips of lust in my life from different mediums (TV, movies, internet, women, printed media) and I’ve realized that one of the best tools to fight this in having lots of accountability. I’ve had internet accountability which has saved me from completely destroying myself, but I want to increase this accountability by getting real transparent with someone on a regular basis that will help to bear this burden. I want to do this to promote true intimacy with Christ, but also to prevent wounding my future wife. It’s just not easy initiating accountability in regards to lust, but taking initiative by doing the right thing especially when it’s a hard thing is kinda what makes us men act like men.
@Ben – I know the feeling. When I was getting ready to be married, I experienced a profound motivation to fight lust. Love has a way of doing that. One of the most important pieces of advice I can give is to find not just good accountability, but good discipleship. Find someone who can mentor you. I talk some about this in my posts, “Getting to the Root of Lust,” and “From Accountability to Discipleship.”
For a short while, I thought I was alone in my emotions regarding betrayal from pornography addiction. I know now that the tremendous emotional pain I feel is common among wives who have had to deal with the issue. Some days are harder than others, but I am finding out the more I focus on what God wants for my life, the more I trust His plan throughout all this. The pain and hurt from my husbands addiction has brought me to my knees surrendering to God all my insecurities and my desparate need for Him. There are times that I drop from brilliant hope to disqust and despare, because of Satan’s lies. It is so awesome to have stories to read of others triumph over pornography addiction and marriages saved. I need that type of hope as well as my Saviors arms.
Laura and Ryan, thank you for all this! First let me say I am not pregnant – I am 51, my husband is now 63.
Through our marriage I started to find signs of pornography that my husband was always able to explain away, but each time it was something bigger, until the previous time to this, when it was not explainable. He tried to lie about it but it was impossible when the downloads were right there on his computer. I was shattered, but I stayed calm and he promised he would never do this again. Then recently I felt prompted by God to check his laptop; I resisted at first, but the prompting was strong, and I did. He had tried hard to hide it, using private browsing, but there were vestiges going back nearly a year – when he first got this particular laptop – so it’s possible it was going on before then. This time was worse than anything else; I had been trusting him completely! A year ago I started asking whether something was wrong, because our sexual relationship was going downhill – his desire just wasn’t there any more. He denied and refused to see a doctor for a check up; as time went on I suspected he was having an affair (he works and lodges away every week, returning on weekends). He denied it absolutely and continued saying everything was fine. On weekends he behaved normally, other than the lack of sex (and poor when we did have sex).
I was unsurprised, yet more shattered than ever, to find he was lying through his teeth, acting loving and relatively normal with me, while doing porn on 1-2 weekly basis (maybe more). But this time it’s also different in that he was resentful that I’d discovered it, and appeared unrepentant. I have still not had a real apology from him, two months on. For weeks he just wouldn’t discuss it, till I was ready to explode; then he did discuss it, and the first thing he did was blame me! He said he couldn’t live up to the pressures of the standards I expected!
Well, ever since Adam men have blamed their wives, right? He now denies he meant to blame me, of course. But something in me has cut my soul into so many shreds! I have been through every emotion possible since it happened, but in the last two weeks I have laid it before God and started to find my way to more calm thinking.
He still makes no effort to find ways to sort himself out, and I really don’t think it’s for me to do that for him. I feel that even this, this reluctance to try to fix things, is a betrayal. Why isn’t he in abject misery, prostrate before God (and me!), begging forgiveness? I think he is in denial of the enormity of what he has done to us; he thinks that, like all the other times, eventually I will calm down and let it pass, sweep it away and forgive him. But this time is SO different! I feel like he’s been having an affair for at least the last year, and he can’t understand why I feel that way.
I have of course gone before God and asked Him to help me forgive; the forgiveness aspect is one thing, however – it’s how to move ON from here, that’s the real problem. I am living out my forgiveness as best I can, but I need help in moving on, in dealing with this, in trusting him again – and as long as he doesn’t think he needs help, what then?
My pastor and his wife have agreed to help mentor us through this, and my husband knows this, but he is making no effort to make a date to start – and I just feel it isn’t MY place to keep trying to set it all up. I’ve made the way, now he needs to step up to the plate – something he’s never been good at I’m afraid, and now I’m watching him simply sit still and wait for it to just blow over.
My heart is breaking, and no matter how much comfort I receive from my Lord and Saviour, I am human, and it will take time for me to heal. And help.
My own ministry is always thrown into compromise when this sort of thing happens; how do I minister to others when my soul isn’t whole? I know this is the Enemy; we recently moved to this new part of the world, joined a new church, and I have started to move toward ministering to other women again … so of course this an attack on all that.
I’m sorry – this has turned out VERY long. Anyway, I just wanted to express my own situation. I will read Ryan’s blog next, and will keep pursuing my own healing – but Laura, your comment on how God told you you’d have a new husband reminded me of when God told me that, after I’d divorced my husband (yes, same one!) … and then proceeded to put us back together again, and we remarried. At times like this I really question WHY God wanted us to remarry; but there are so many other promises He has made, and I have to stand on them. But reading your story has given me hope again, and courage to believe again that God DOES still have a plan for us, and we have to ride this out till the plan can carry through.
Thank you, and God bless your ministry!