Breaking Free

The following is a guest post by Laura Booz. Laura is on the speaking team of Pure Freedom, a ministry dedicated to equipping men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity. She attends Penns Valley Community Church with her husband Ryan and is the proud mother of two adorable children, Vivienne and Lia.

A little over a month ago, I posted a link to a testimony given by Laura’s husband, Ryan. In this talk he candidly shares the story about his porn addiction and how it nearly devastated his marriage. Shortly after hearing his talk I got in touch with Laura and asked her to share the same story from her perspective.

This is the third post Laura is writing to share her story. Please follow this link if you haven’t already read Part 1 and Part 2 of her story. Thanks, Laura, for being so open.

- - - -

Part 3: The Circles of Restoration

I turned to face the married couples as I explained, “We no longer agree with the simplistic counselor-office triangle of one spouse on one side of the base, the other spouse on the opposite side of the base, and God at the top of the triangle,” as I drew a big fat X through the triangle diagram. “It’s not because we’re triangle snobs, it’s simply because we’ve learned that a marriage requires a complex universe of elements in order to survive. These days, we’re pretty convinced that a marriage thrives when it looks a little more like this.”

I began to draw one concentric circle inside another one, inside another one, inside another one, until I had drawn five. As I guided the chalk around the circle on the chalkboard, I considered how far God had taken Ryan and me in the past couple of years: somehow, we had come through the devastation of Ryan’s persistent pornography addiction, the grueling process of redefining “husband” and “wife,” the humility of submitting to godly mentors, and the pleasure of being miraculously reconciled.

The intimate crowd at the marriage retreat listened respectfully as Ryan and I shared our journey: Ryan emphasized the importance of undaunted and persistent male mentors who taught and required him to sacrifice everything in order to follow Christ, and I explained the revolution of becoming Ryan’s helper and friend instead of his boss and competitor. We hoped that our story would inspire other people to address “unmentionable” marital issues and trust God to walk them into victory. From the looks on our audience members’ faces, I could tell that some of them were ready to stop tolerating pornography, lust, misplaced leadership, and ugly criticism in order to gain more Christ-like marriages.

They bent their heads over their notebooks and copied the concentric circles that I was drawing on the board. They labeled each one as I identified the circles from the innermost core to the outermost rim:

God
Marriage
Mentors
Family
Christian Community

I explained that each of these elements must be vibrantly present in a marriage, and in this order. Like the planets that are hung delicately in space, these relational elements are ordained by God for a balanced life. If we wrongly prioritize or eliminate one of these precious elements, our marriages begin to teeter-totter, and eventually fall apart. Ryan piped in that we have chosen some tough lifestyle changes and have made significant sacrifices in order to pursue this balance. He listed a handful of examples:

We became members of a church that not only prioritizes the Word of God, but also promotes transparency and community;

We joined a small “Community Group” from our church that has met weekly and talked deeply for the past three years;

We canceled television so that we would spend more face-to-face time together as a couple;

We pursued mentors who we call, email, and visit frequently;

We’ve installed filters and Covenant Eyes accountability software on our computers that both protect us from unsolicited temptations and demand that we keep our lives open to accountability partners.

As Ryan spoke about these changes in our marriage, I stepped back from the lime-light and took a look at him for a long moment. In him, I saw a man who had unveiled a terrible and omnipresent temptation; a man who had faced his own humanity and sinfulness; a man who had chosen to fall in the arms of Christ and obey Him step by step, even when the choices were tough. This was a new man: a new husband who inspired me to become a new wife, one who would honor God, respect her husband, listen to wise counsel, and immerse herself in a family and community that would help her to build her home well.

Several years ago, when I discovered those vile images on Ryan’s computer, I sobbed, and despaired, and fell apart. God spoke gentle hope to my heart that my marriage would change; I never would have guessed that the practical, prayerful, pointed steps of humble obedience—on my part, Ryan’s part, our mentors’ part, our church’s part—would result in a miracle this breathtaking.

If Laura’s story has touched you, we want to hear from you. We want to hear your story too.

If you are interested in reading more about recovering marriage after pornography temptations, go to our recommended reading lists:

Recommended Reading for Wives

Recommended Reading for Husbands