Breaking Free

I recently read this testimony from a woman on the blog, A Good Husband. It is a candid testimony of a woman whose husband has been going through a 40-year addiction to pornography. It was a sobering testimony to read. Many thanks to the anonymous woman behind these words:

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I have been married to a creative, talented, intelligent, funny (I could go on) guy for 30+ years. When we were engaged he told me he had been involved in both soft-pornography and masturbation for (in his terms) a short period of time, but that he had stopped and wanted to stay stopped. As well, he said he had spoken to someone about the “problem,” as he did not feel great about it, and he told me who it was.

As married life went on it became clear—to me, but not to him—he had emotional stuff going on. At about 8 years of marriage an event occurred with his anger while he was home with our kids, and it became clear it was not my imagination, and the kids were a little scared. But he was in denial, and that continued. By the time they were in their teens, it was pretty tense, and I discovered for the first time that the pornography use had continued.

Mind you, this was not nonstop use, nor was it violent pornography. He would try and try and try to not pick up pornography (before we had a computer at home) but would finally break down and go on a small “spree.” Then there would be a period of abstinence.

At about year 20 of our marriage he went to a clergyman for help; the individual told him not to tell his wife. That was a mistake. Working together has been the only way out. Together we would have solved the problem years earlier, and with far less anguish. He finally actually began to almost have emotional meltdowns at work; he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and at one time had suicidal thoughts.

It is an addiction of such subtlety and is almost impossible for the sufferer to know that thoughts and feelings have been replaced with thoughts and feelings of other kinds. He did not know that he had become a very different person from the man I married, though I knew that guy was still in there, somewhere.

I must have have some help from a source outside myself. I was able to discover resources to help. Those included meetings for SA (Sexaholics Anonymous), Covenant Eyes software, and many, many other helps. Our clergy were not able to help, unfortunately, and that was very hard. My husband is a courageous man, and embarked upon recovery with everything he had. But addictions fight for their own “survival,” and he became abusive for a period of time, and for several brief periods I was unable to live in my own home, for my own safety.

He has been involved in pornography since his early teens (initiated by family), making it some 40 years of use, and the longest he has made it without pornography is 13 months. He tells me that when this came out in the open between us (4 years ago), his feelings were, regardless of what they looked like at any time in the past, that he hated me during the whole of our marriage. That is a terrible shock to hear from someone you love with your whole heart and have shared a life and a family with, and THAT is one—and only one—of the effects of pornography.

He is, like an alcoholic, taking it one day at a time. What he alone has gone through is not worth thinking about. What I have gone through, and what we together have been through, is worth lifetimes of pain. Please, do not make the mistake of thinking it is just about finding a way to have a “healthy” fantasy world in a non-repressed way and has no effect on real life. The particular effect that sexual feelings have are such that they change how we feel and think in every area of life, even affecting how memory and logic are processed. These feelings affect the root of our lives, and you may not be aware of the changes. Be very careful of what you do with your feelings: they are powerful. Lust and love may look like the same thing, but their effects are worlds apart from each other.

My husband and I are just coming out of a dark universe, back into the land of the living. We know.