About the author, Jay Stringer

A licensed mental health counselor and ordained minister, Jay Stringer has spent the last decade working on the frontlines of the demand for pornography and sexual exploitation. Stringer holds an MDiv and Master in Counseling Psychology from the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and received post-graduate training under Dr. Patrick Carnes and Dr. Dan Allender. Jay's first book, Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, will be released in the fall of 2018. His book includes original research on over 3,600 men and women struggling with pornography. Visit Jay's website to download a free chapter. Follow Jay on Twitter: @_jaystringer

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24 thoughts on “What Your Sexual Fantasies (Might) Say About You | Part 2

  1. How is this article supposed to help? It actually tempted me to think about past porn memories. I don’t get the purpose of this article at all. I understand that this might be useful to some, in a private therapy session, but not as a CE blog article.

    • Changing the topic a little but this topic has come up a few times and we’re wondering if someone can address it.
      We are a group of 5 men who are accountable to each other and our spouses for the porn addiction we all have experienced. Thank God for Covenant Eyes that keeps us on a straight course.
      But in our conversations we have some questions that we have not seen answered in the wonderful CE blogs that we read and discuss, applying to our lives. We hope that someone will perhaps write a blog addressing these issues and how we can deal with them. So here goes:

      1. Are enhancement pills wrong (whether the “blue” pill or some herbal ingredients) to keep it going. We have no health issues regarding medical ED, varying senior ages (65+)?

      2. One person thought that perhaps these “enhancements” are a form of porn in that it is the only way to be sexually active…comments?

      3. If age is a factor (i.e. less hormones) then is it okay to take these or should we just let nature take its course and accept that “we’re not what we used to be”? We know media plays a big factor in people’s thinking (you deserve this, make your spouse feel better type thing) but what would be a solid Christian view?

      We hope that some of your writers will be able to respond to this since we don’t feel that we are all alone on these issues. Thank you for considering this

      Sam

    • Hi, Sam – I appreciate your honesty! And, I don’t think this is something we’ve address (it would make for a great blog post). A few thoughts:

      – Sex is a good thing. My body was designed to have and enjoy sex with my wife. (True)
      – Our bodies age, wear, get sick.
      – Medicine is there to help (when used correctly and in moderation).

      I like this explanation: “Persons with diabetes take insulin to restore a normal function that their bodies are failing to maintain. Persons with cancer take chemotherapy drugs to combat an abnormal function of their body’s cells. In both cases, the goal is to restore the “healthy” function of the body. Used as intended, ED medications serve the same purpose. They aid a person in restoring a function their body was specifically designed to fulfill.” [gotquestions.org]

      What do you think? Agree/disagree? This isn’t something that Covenant Eyes is going to take a stand on, but I think it’s an interesting dialogue and I appreciate that you brought it up.

      Regards, Chris

    • One more question our group has regarding enhancement pills. Do these pills develop a dependence on the use of them over time; that without the use of them ED occurs? Harmful effects?

    • Yea I agree, plus it completely disreguards women when we tend to be more likely “addicted” users, not that men aren’t. Hm.

    • Carl,

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can certainly see where you are coming from about being tempted. I also recognize that almost anything on the internet and several stories from the Bible have the potential of creating temptation too. This article is about exploring the ‘why’ behind specific fantasies in order to allow them to reveal the stories that set-up our porn use to begin with. In the same way that back pain might be trying to get our attention about our posture or a car wreck that we jury-rigged a solution for, the things that tempt us have things to teach us about ourselves.

  2. I read your two articles with interest but cannot find myself in Ben or Jeff stories, nor in their profiles even if I think I’m more like Jeff.

    Will you provide other testimonies with other kinds of profiles ?

  3. Thank you for continuing this series.I hope you continue this series as neither example is something I sought after, and I am curious as to how many other major types of fantasies people struggle with.

    Honestly This series with two articles has been the most indepth articles I have ever read in the christian community on the root causes of sexual addiction, and I thank you for that. If you have any links to any other articles simular to this one I would appreciate it.

    • Restored,

      Thank you for your kind words and for the support of my work. Feel free to go to my website: http://www.jay-stringer.com/book/ and sign-up for a free chapter. That will make sure you get access to my book release date and a newsletter that will feature monthly insights aligned with these two blog posts on the “why” behind our fantasies.

      Jay

    • Mr stringer thank you for that chapter, it has confirmed a lot of things I have been doing in my battle against porn. I am a single guy who has not looked at porn or masturbated in over two years and I have written out my story at singlevsporn.com My story is more than just when I looked at porn its all the stuff that led up to it, and fed it. I look forward to reading the rest of your book. If you have some time I would love your imput on what I wrote on my site (my story is about 10,000 words long, then I wrote a bunch of articles on all the other stuff I did or am doing to find what I call the heart issues).

    • I have struggled with lesbian porn, and I don’t actually know why it appeals to me. From my many therapy sessions and intensive outpatient treatment program, I have discovered that one thing that shaped my arousal template is when I was young, there were a number of instances where girls my age would expose themselves to me, and I found that exciting, and soon I was trying to spy on girls myself (I was around 10 at the time), and I even tried convincing girls to expose themselves to me. When I was 14, my friends introduced me to porn magazines, and I remember being excited by the fact that these women seemed willing to expose themselves to me, and it just went from there.

      That said, I am not sure how that relates to lesbian porn, although in the past relapses I’ve had, I always end up with lesbian porn. Men in porn scenes were always just an annoyance to me. Maybe lesbian porn is simply the “next step up” from the excitement of women exposing themselves to me. Maybe they are “exposing their sexuality” or something like that through their actions on screen.

      I imagined that these women liked what they did and liked showing me, and that fed the fantasy and the addiction. Of course, this is all a lie. In reality, these women are pretty much sex slaves, held by money, drugs, and threats, and forced to perform these scenes.

  4. Thanks for the insightful posts like this Covenant Eyes. I don’t think you would have had the guts to post something truly helpful like this even a handful of years ago. You’ve come a long way!

  5. This has been an eye opener for me. Im 24, I’m currently married right now and I’ve been struggling to getting away from pornography my whole life and praying and fighting to keep it from hurting my marriage but I’ve failed to many times to count. before when me and my wife first met I’ve told my wife that I’ve had problems and that I struggle with masturbating but when we got married she thought that she could change me. I thought the same I thought that after I’ve been married that I don’t have to worry about being tempted to look at porn because I have everything I’ve need from my wife but it didn’t, if anything it got worse. I’ve would have months of being saved from porn but it only took only one thing to trigger it and I would spiral on a binge of porn and its been like this for months through out the years and I’ve felt worthless, unlovable guilt, the worst husband ever and I cried at night and pray for God to change my heart and to be a man of God for my wife that I need to be. I would be so tempted that wherever I go I’m constantly tempted wherever I walk to im tempted to look at some woman I would have to walk around, change my thoughts, look away, and pray to take those thoughts captive. Absolutely anything, to get myself right with God and now I live this sin conscious life now and I feel like I’ve tried everything even people have told me that mybad this is the thorn in your side that God won’t remove because he wants you to always keep praying and if he takes it away he’ll know that you won’t pray to him. So I don’t know what else to do because I feel like my prayers aren’t going to be answered. My sin has dishonored my wife and how am i supposed to change and ask for Gods help if I know that because of my sin/dishonor against my wife their not going to be answered? or maybe perhaps I’m misunderstanding something? But I feel that I’ve tried everything and this lust wont go away. I love my wife but it’s just feels that im just trying to win her approval and trust more than anything. I’m not saying that the holy spirit has failed me because that would be a lie. but after all this guilt and shame and disgust I don’t feel worthy of God’s Grace because I feel that im going to disappoint God again and again and im having a hard time keeping the faith. And I just need God’s holy spirit to strengthen me.

    • You and me both, brother.

      A few things I have learned (the hard way): My wife cannot change me. God has to change me, and I have to be willing. I have no strength of my own, I cannot trust myself to resist temptation. I must remove myself from potentially tempting situations before the temptation strikes. I must heal for my own soul’s salvation first and foremost, I cannot base my motivation for healing on my wife.

      Keep going, and stay connected with people. Find an SA meeting, I recommend that as a source of fellowship in addition to church.

    • Me too
      Well me I ain’t married. I am seventeen and trying to identify myself. I was sexually harassed my uncle at 9 and it triggered me into viewing God. I encountered God at the age of nine and since 14 I have been praying to quite this vice. It at times feels like I am free but it takes something small to draw me back in.I feel like I am failing God every second and I want God to bless me in ministry but I believe with this I can’t be a help to anyone. I can’t tell my friends cause I told them before I had overcome this cause I thought I had.
      May God be our very present help in times of trouble.

  6. I’m encouraged to see posts like this within the Christian community, and I thank you for writing this. When I read part one, you seemed to hint at diving into this for the female side as well. I have been looking for that installment with a lot of hope and can’t seem to find it. Have you written any articles that could help women understand their problems better like this? Please link to them if you have.

    • One thing I’m thinking is that the key to female sexual issues is love. Because it says in Ephesians (or wherever) “wives respect your husbands” and “husbands love your wives” and I had heard on a radio show on this topic is that the idea is that women are naturally wired to need love in a similar way that men are wired to need a certain kind of respect to feel ok and (like the curse goes from Genesis) women desire their husband… But he will rule over her. My fantasies definitely have a power element to them but the most destructive fantasies i have experienced have been in getting a crush on a guy and hoping he will love me and finding that he is totally repulsed by me. Likewise, it’s interesting to read about men’s problems because I was in a 12 step program for a while for sex and love addiction and i was just baffled at the kind of guys who liked me but who i just could not find it in myself to respect. They expected me to be the opposite kind of person than i was. And perhaps the same goes for the guys i find myself attracted to, that i was weak where they wanted me to be strong or something.

      But I know God can fix us too. I was praying today the Lord would raise up more people out of this sexually broken generation(s) to help labor in the harvest and build up the church here. Thanks for letting God use you.

      Thank You Jesus, please bless the people here and fix them completely and use us for your glory! Amen

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