About the author, Carl Stewart

Carl Stewart is the author of the Amazon Kindle bestseller, The Porn Antidote: God’s Secret Weapon for Crushing Porn’s Grip, and Creating the Life and Marriage You Dream Of. Carl is a counselor and coach in an overflowing private practice where he works with men and marriages devastated by pornography and sexual addiction. He has advanced training and supervision in Emotionally Focused Therapy–the most empirically validated marital therapy which is uniquely suited to restoring marriages affected by sexual betrayal. Carl is a speaker at men’s events, marriage retreats, and parenting seminars. Check out Carl Stewart’s website and blog at www.thepornantidote.com.

View all posts by Carl Stewart →

Hope After Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

11 thoughts on “3 Common Lies When Porn Invades Your Engagement

  1. Do not get married to a porn addict. Full recovery takes several years. Let go and let him heal. It is not your burden to bear.

    • Marriage is a calling to bear one anothers burdens though. If you want ease, then yes, dont marry. But if youve wisely discerned you can serve the kingdom together and there is a fight for holiness in both of you, when why make a hard and fast rule? Sure, many times you need to move on, but honestly youre a sin addict yourself. Just be careful, and discerning, open to whatever God would lead you to do, whether to marry or not.

    • Absolutely do not take on the burden of being married to a porn addict. Almighty God has a better plan for you. I only wish I had the option to make an informed choice before the altar. My resources are spent being the porn police, the secret keeps me isolated. Grief/mortification are my constant companions. I just recently discovered my husband has been a porn addict for the 4 decades I have known him. How could a tired, mom of two, who provided a second income ever compete with the allure of porn stars? I have been denigrated in 37 yrs of marriage. When porn no longer satisfied him, he sought out prostitutes with condomless sex. I was very ill with STDs.

    • I am so, so sorry. I hope you have been able to find healing for yourself in every way, and to create healthy boundaries that honor your value and worth as a person. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.

      I hope you’ve found a therapist who can help you process your pain and support you in healthy boundaries. The online resources at Bloom for Women might be helpful as well.

  2. I have not looked at porn or masturbated in over 2 and a half years at this point. At what time in a relationship, and in what way should you reveal your past struggle with porn addiction? At this point I believe its wise to tell them how long its been since I looked at porn, who my accountability partner is, the things I have cut out of my life to stay away from porn and how my mind has been renewed since I left porn, because my mind has changed so much since I last looked at porn.

    • I think you should have this conversation before you get engaged. If you’re already engaged, well, the time is NOW. Your future spouse should have the time and opportunity to process what she didn’t know and what she wants to do about this. If you’re doing all these things to take responsibility for yourself, that’s great. Just be aware that your fiancee will need time to process. She may want to find a counselor for herself to process this, and perhaps have some sessions with you present as well. You might like to download this short ebook, Porn and Your Boyfriend, that has conversation starters–it’s written for women, but it’s something you could give to her as a helpful tool in working through this. Peace to you, Kay

  3. When your significant other tells you he has never been “a Bible thumper” (a term I really don’t appreciate) and porn and lying to cover it up seems to be what he and his brothers have done all their lives (because it’s just what men do), how do you move forward in a relationship with any hope at all?

    • I’m sorry, but you don’t. He’s told you clearly and plainly that he disrespects your boundaries and will continue to lie and cover it up, because that’s what men do. Believe him when he tells you these things! Please, please, please believe him, and please know that the pain you’d experience with a break-up now is nothing compared to what you will deal with as he continues in this behavior and you have a life and children together. Peace and health to you, Kay

  4. Please don’t get married if your fiance admits a porn addiction.

    It is worth upsetting a few people to save yourself from the misery.

    There are very few of us WOPAs (Wives of Porn Addicts) who would tell you otherwise.

    Be grateful you found out before. Many of us didn’t as our partner’s chose to selfishly hide it.

    The only circumstances I think a woman may be justified in considering it is if the man has sustained recovery (2 years plus) which is confirmed by a polygraph.

    Otherwise, contrary to this article, you really are just looking at years and years of lies and porn.

Leave a Reply to Anonymous Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *