About the author, Coach Laura

Coach Laura is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach, trained by The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). Her interest in coaching Betrayal Trauma survivors began in the aftermath of her own traumatic betrayal when it became clear that many professionals “just didn’t get it.” Laura is familiar with the physical, emotional, and mental pain the accompanies betrayal trauma and she is passionate about walking this journey alongside others, in hopes that no woman ever again has to walk this path alone.

View all posts by Coach Laura →

Porn and Your Husband

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

11 thoughts on “How to Talk to Your Husband about His Porn Use

  1. It’s really embarrassing to sharing our problems related to this specific industry only if you are newly wedding or your husband don’t listen to your problems but the honesty and candidness reach the heart, Thanks for sharing the valuable post.

  2. My boyfriend looks at porn everyday. I finally caught him looking at it at three am. I tried to talk to him about it and how it hurt me. Our intimacy is almost nonexistent. He says it not a problem it’s just something he does,denied everyday use which is a lie because I checked. I am so hurt please help me, I don’t know whether to leave or not

    • It definitely sounds like it’s time to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you. You know the truth of the situation, and you know how it impacts you. Decide if this is a way of life that’s healthy and right for you. If not, it’s probably time to leave. It’s sad and painful when our partners won’t connect with us, but when this happens, it’s best to allow ourselves to see reality and take action that’s healthy for us. If he wants to change, he can. But meanwhile, live a life that reflects your value and worth as a person. Peace to you, Kay

  3. My husband watches porn every night. He doesn’t care that I know and tries to get me to watch it with him. He thinks it would be good for me and maybe I will learn something. I tell him it is disgusting and leave the room. He keeps watching and when I go to bed, he tries to get me to do the things he just watched. I tell him that I am his wife, not a porn star. He just complains and asks me why everything has to be on my terms. Why don’t I care about his needs.

    • Hey there,

      Well, this sounds pretty typical of a man who’s watching a lot of porn and sees women simply as objects for his own self-gratification. I don’t think there’s much you can do to change him, but there’s a lot you can do to be healthy for yourself.

      Consider your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you start thinking about that.

      Find a therapist for yourself, to help you process your pain and to get support for your healthy boundaries.

      Find a support group for yourself.

      Check out the online resources at Bloom for Women.

      Whatever he chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole.

      Peace,
      Kay

  4. my husband has always watched porn and we have talked about it and I have told him how much he hurts me but he dont stop he will leave his kelnix on the end table for me to find, and somtimes I will catch him but nothing seems to change we been together 30 years but not sure to make it 31

    • I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll find a therapist who can help you process the pain and consider what healthy boundaries will look like to you. Of course we can’t control other people, but we can control our own choices. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. You might also appreciate the online community at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay

  5. My husband looks at porn. We have talked about it many many times. I have explained how horrible it makes me feel. How I feel like I am not enough for him. Asked why he just can’t be satisfied with me. Etc. He has said in the past that he can and would stop but he hasn’t. He says that he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do and that all men do it. I get really depressed, I feel absolutely alone. I have tried so many times to explain how it makes me feel and it’s like he just doesn’t care. I don’t understand how someone could continue to watch porn knowing that it is breaking their wife’s heart.

    • Hi Nikki,
      I’m sorry that your husband isn’t able to respond to your pain. It sounds to me like when you try to talk to him about it, he gaslights you: he twists reality with lies like “every man does it” and “your feelings aren’t valid.” Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse, and it compounds the pain you’re already experiencing. The truth is that many many women will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in a situation like this. Your feelings and experiences are not made up, and you are NOT alone!

      It sounds to me like it’s time for you to look honestly at the reality of the situation, and then choose healthy boundaries for yourself accordingly. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help.

      You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions, and you might also want to look into the online resources at Bloom for Women.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • My boyfriend gets really angry if I accuse him when he turns me down in the bedroom saying he’s tired however I’ve been out working that evening. He swore he hasn’t done it in ages yet I found it on his phone the other day it killed me inside, I know exactly how you feel. I even had a boob job because I felt inferior to the porn stars, yet he still watches it. I’m out of luck, I feel worthless.

    • I hope you can hear me when I say: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. THIS IS NOT ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK.

      This is a choice that he makes.

      The question I have for you is: is this the way you want to live? Is this the kind of relationship you wanto be part of? Is this how you want to be treated?

      If not, then you might want to consider your boundaries: here, here, and here are some articles that might help.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *