About the author, Ella Hutchinson

Ella Hutchinson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Clinical Sexual Addiction Specialist, Certified Clinical Partner Specialist, and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Ella served three years on the board of the Association for Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She helped write the curriculum used by APSATS that trains clinicians in the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model developed by Barbara Steffens. She is currently a board member of the International Association for Certified Clinical Sex Addiction Specialists. Ella and her husband, Jeff, work together helping couples find healing from sexual addiction.

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12 thoughts on “Why is my husband so angry? It all comes down to shame. (Part 2)

  1. I’m at the separation stage. I told him last night he’ll be moving out April 1st. I put CE on the phone and he admitted he found away around it and even though we were separated in the home for two years, almost watched our daughter died of addiction (he could’ve showed her how to overcome it by example but even she’s telling me to leave him) and found other apps to watch porn. He finally admitted it.

    I told him two years ago I’d stay if he’d go to a 12 step group and get a sponsor and neither happened. I found out 10 years ago at Christmas and now he’s ruined this Christmas too. He also looked up porn the last two Christmases. And yes, he was sexually abused by his mother and had an abusive stepmother but I gave him PLENTY of time to get help.

    So I’m seeking separation at this point.

    It’s over for me.

    • May god help you I totally understand, going through hard times with my live in boyfriend of 6 years. Im looking for really good therapist and a supposrt group in NYC, but we have very busy work schedule. He used to see a therapist and went to 12 step, but once he stopped , within months were back there. He not only watches porn, he goes to hookup sites, and apps like instagram and follows women at least 400 who post hundreds of nude pictures and also sents requests to women?young girls late teens ,20s requests and then he is having sex over the videochats.
      JUst few days ago I asked our friend to download net nanny on his computer, mine and his phone to monitor his browsing. I want him to start therapy, couples therapy as well, im giving him last chance.

  2. Ya’ll should really do a forum. There is nothing out there that is safe for Christians. I’ve tried so many sites only to be told religion wasn’t welcome to some having the most foul language.

    We could use a community here that could support each other. It’s hard for me to get out b/c I deal with so much pain and having an online forum would be great.

    • Hi Anne, have you looked at Bloom? It’s a newer resource that includes a forum, as well as trauma-focused recovery tools for women, and emotionally-focused marriage recovery programming. I believe it was started by folk in the LDS church, so I think it may be the kind of community you’d appreciate. Peace to you, Kay

    • I’m so sorry you are going through this. Check out Living In Freedom Everyday (LIFE). They have partner groups who work through The Spouses Guide on conference calls, weekly. Or Marsha Means or Barbara Steffens has online groups. Keep searching. Christian support for partners does exist.

  3. Hi Anne, hope at this time you can see response to your post. Its so sad what you are going through. I really wish you have a smooth process with al this. I know first hand this processes and even when mine with husband is over, there is fore sure a space for recovery later on. I’ve held onto Jesus and God’s amazing grace to continue, it isbpossible. Our husbands circumstances and addition is not our fault, its their own issues as you mention. Run to Jesus for protection and wisdom. wish you so many good things from now on, and the best is a life with God and is mercy. Be blessed and continue moving forward with your daughter that a precious gift from God. No one ever, can tell her she is not loved. Wish you the best. Kathy

  4. Hi Anne, hope at this time you can see response to your post. Its so sad what you are going through. I really wish you have a smooth process with all this. I know first hand this processes and even when mine with husband is over, there is for sure a space for recovery later on. I’ve held onto Jesus and God’s amazing grace to continue, it is posible. Our husbands circumstances and addition is not our fault, its their own issues as you mention. Run to Jesus for protection and wisdom. wish you so many good things from now on, and the best is a life with God and His mercy. Be blessed and continue moving forward with your daughter that is a precious gift from God. No one ever, can tell her she is not loved. Wish you the best. Kathy

  5. I have recently installed the CE app for my husbands only device. His phone. I am new to this and the whole experience has changed my life and thinking dramatically. When I found my husband’s dirty little secret it was the day before Thanksgiving. I hit the roof…grabbed a knife and was sent to jail by my husband. I now have a domestic violence conviction which caused me to lose my job. I have been in therapy for 2 months but my husband didn’t make an appointment until last week. We are not suppose to have any contact but he needs help with this. I’m risking my personal freedom to save our marriage. I’m caught in the legal system right now and trust me ladies…you don’t want to be in it. I’m commited to this man and his recovery. I only wish he could understand my PTSD and pain.

    • This happened to my neighbor. She got her record expunged. He is an occasion of sin don’t you think. I can only say if a man is a cause of sin then staying with him could weaken your soul. Only God can fix him and we cannot make God do it. Jesus said “Go and sin no more”. He did not say “go and try not to do it again”

      I do not believe that a man who does this is saved. Would you hang out with sinners? That is the saddest part of all. They continue to choose to sin if they did all the treatments and turned their will over they could stop. But they defy God and do not humble themselves. We become sinners too if we support a sinner in his sin.
      There are two sins the lie and the covered sin. Thousands of them by these men. Every sin must be known to be forgiven. Does Jesus think we need to hear, thousands of sins and forgive each one? I would rather give my love to those who need me. Not a man who has made sex and porn his love and his God. I cannot release mine from his bondage, only God can.

  6. Thank you for posting this article. There are so many point that I agree with and am very please have it as a resources.

    However I am left with the feeling that this is a article written by a woman for women. “So when I work with a couple, whose side am I on? I am on the side of the couple. But if I seem to advocate for her more than him, that’s because I am!”

    We now have evidence to say that addiction is a disease and in no other disease do we marginalise the sufferer. The emotions [trauma, betrayal, anger, trust issues] that are described for women are present in most situation when a partner is diagnosed with a disease such as, heart disease, diabetes, etc… Women suffer from food disorder that has a profound and lasting psychological impact on their male partner but no way do we put him above her. However when it comes to porn addiction we stigmatise the man, which actually is counter to all research on addiction treatment. All things considering porn is not illegal and it would have been a behaviour that was started before most marriages/relationships. Unfortunately men can not openly talk about this and get support form their partners because of the way he would be treated and then it becomes about how he hurt the partner.

    Contrary to this article, there are no healthy and good support groups or treatments for men. Most men suffer through life with this terrible addiction. If they do talk about it, they get labeled and treated as some dirty old man. I think we need to look at this in a very different way. if not we will be normalising behaviours like kelly’s – pulling a knife on a sick man. Bad relationships can trigger man to porn as well…

    Saying all this, I am very much against porn and I think its a very bad addiction. We need to find better ways of allowing men to talk with other men. Also men should be held accountable in their addictive behaviours. However I think its too difficult for women to have a supportive non-judgmental stance, including women therapist. Reason I say this is that – reenforcing shame is not helpful.

    my initial thoughts, happy to say more…

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