Reflecting back on our marriage I can clearly see the “one thing” I had done that lead to a lot of pain, broken trust, and wounded love. This “one thing” did enormous harm to our marriage.
To this day, I still need to be intentional in this area to not to fall back into this destructive behavior.
Just what is the “one thing”? The letter below gives us the answer.
Dear future husband,
As I look forward to years of life shared with you I ask of you, please, please don’t do this one thing: please don’t shut me out of your life.
I want to share our lives completely–the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.
If you choose to leave me out, it leaves us both vulnerable to all kinds of destructive possibilities. It demeans me and leaves me thinking I’m of little or no value, or that I’m incapable of helping or understanding your challenges or even successes.
If you block me out of parts of your life, it means you’re keeping secrets, and secrets are kept far too often by telling lies. I know you might think you are protecting me by not telling things you fear may hurt me. I understand that, yet it will hurt me more deeply when the secret comes out. Please just tell me, and together we will get through whatever it is.
And I want you to know I’m a safe place to land. By this I mean I will love you and not condemn you. I may get upset, but my trust and love will grow in your honesty with me.
My heart will hurt when yours hurts. It also wants to celebrate the joys of your heart.
When I say “yes” to your proposal and “I do” during our wedding, I will do that from a place of loving trust. Believing I can trust you is the foundation upon which I build my respect for you. Shutting me out and keeping secrets acts as a cancer to the trust we will build.
So again I ask you, please, don’t shut me out of your life.
In reality, my life and your life will be our lives. That’s why Jesus said in Matthew 19:5, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh,” and in Mark 10:8, “And the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh.”
Please don’t shut me out of your life. I want to experience life with you and not wither on the vine apart from a place of isolation and a sense of having no value.
Please open your life’s heart, and soul to me and watch me grow. Watch us grow together and experience all that God intends for our marriage to be.
With all the love I have to give you in the future,
Your future wife
The importance of honesty and openness
I asked my three daughters to respond to this very question posed to a future husband: “Please, please don’t do this one thing…”
Their responses were nearly word-for-word identical. Here’s a quote from our oldest, that her sisters 100% agreed with:
I think the worst thing my future husband could do to me is ignore me and make me feel insignificant or unappreciated.
They feel that being shut out is the same as being ignored.
This was an insightful statement from our middle daughter, who is engaged to be married, when she said:
I think because if you have that (being appreciated and included), everything else falls into place. Trust, honesty, etc.
They are their mother’s daughters, and of that, I am thankful.
Becoming that future spouse
Are you that future husband or future wife? Is your marriage one where this “one thing” is now a significant challenge?
It’s far easier to prepare to prevent future problem than it is to do damage repair. But healing is possible. God is a redeemer of the broken. Christ came to save, to heal, and to redeem.
Marriage is a mirror image of Christ and His church. Let’s use His example to find that road to healing and growth.
Pray for that future husband or wife today. Ask God to help you become the husband or wife your future spouse is seeking and praying for. Pray to become the man and husband, or woman and wife, God is calling you to be.
And when you meet your spouse, invite him or her into your life and live it together. Embrace two becoming one.
Resources to help you heal
Beggarsdaughter.com: A great place for ladies battling a porn addiction to begin. Jessica Harris has a wonderful ministry to help guide you in the first steps.
Gateway to Freedom: A 3-day intensive for men dealing with pornography and other sexual struggles. They also have a follow-up program for the men who attend the workshop.
Remember, recovery is a process and it’s about direction and not perfection. Take that first step today in the right direction toward freedom and healing.
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