Hope After Porn

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Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

9 thoughts on “5 Habits to Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage

  1. All those methods sound good and take time. But the opposite of mistrust is not to work on building trust, but caring. It can turn a marriage where trust is shattered around in a week. Let’s not draw this process out more than necessary!

    • Wow. “It can turn a marriage where trust is shattered around in a week.”
      No. I don’t think so. How simplistic is your view at the depth of pain that infidelity brings? It took me six – nine months to even get the truth from my ‘husband’ — who was, in truth, joined/one with many others in the pure Biblical sense. As we are approaching year three of recovery, there is still very limited trust since #5 on the above list seems like a new concept — along with being truthful in the little things.
      While fortunate to be living in Colorado Springs area where my husband attends a 12 step program at Dr. Weiss’s facility, he is working on retraining old habits of 40 years of secrecy and self preservation.
      One week for me to–what? Forgive and forget and move on? How dismissive you are to the anguish of grieving women.

    • Thanks for speaking up, Annie.

      I agree with you that trust is something that takes real time to rebuild, even under the best of circumstances. Trust is broken in big and small ways, and it’s rebuilt in big and small ways. The best marriage research on earth is done by Dr. John Gottman, and he has some fascinating things to say about how to build trust. Hearing him speak on this was a huge aha moment for me, which I wrote about here.

      One of the things I find very often in porn recovery is that there’s a big emphasis on the man’s sobriety and on the marriage staying together, but often the needs of wives in recovery are almost completely ignored. I’ll have women come to see me whose husbands are “sober” and the marriage is “saved” but the wife still has serious symptoms of PTSD which have never been addressed or even acknowledged.

      Thanks for speaking up about the realities of recovery for women. The truth sets us free.


    • Shame on you for thinking that the devastating pain and anguish caused by this kind of betrayal can be turned around in a week! That is insensitive, unrealistic and UNCARING. Try caring about the fact that a wife has just lost everything that she believed in. She has heard years of lies and now a weeks worth of “caring” is to be believed?! Often the husband was still portraying himself as caring, all while betraying her. I know. I am such a husband and rebuilding trust with my wife will take lot’s of work from me and lot’s of time for her. It will also take staying away from “counselors” like yourself.

    • Thanks for speaking up. I agree with you that trust takes a long, long time to rebuild. Trust should only be given when someone is trustworthy, and we can only know that someone is trustworthy by their trustworthy behavior over time. Brushing off the wife’s need for time in recovery from relationship devastation is mind-boggling to me! I don’t know how a reputable counselor could say such a thing. Again, thank you for speaking up from a husband’s perspective. One of the things that helped the most in our recovery from my husband’s porn addiction was his willingness to be patient with my emotional processing. I personally think that is one of the key pieces to rebuilding trust. There’s some great stuff from Dr. John Gottman about building trust–he’s the pre-eminent marriage researcher alive today, and you might find his work helpful in recovery. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is just great. Peace to you, Kay

  2. All the above points are good. I’d like to add one more. Twice a week my wife and I sit down and discuss a Covenant Eyes blog. These blogs help us to stay focused and give us a forum to discuss how we are doing. Ever since the 40 day challenge of C.E. we have gotten in the practice of talking about all the advice and council that is out there. This approach has helped us rebuild and maintain trust with each other.

    • Stephen, that’s a really great idea. I really like how you’re keeping everything about sex and temptation out in the light! Well done.

      Peace, Chris
      -Covenant Eyes

  3. Annie, thank you for sharing your thoughts. The experience of my wife and i rebuilding trust as well as the number of men & women I’ve mentored and counseled demonstrate what my words expressed in the article. Much prayer and a willingness to be open and vulnerable with each other is so very important. Stephen, well done indeed. The Light of Christ brings healing to the dark places of our lives. And the addict trying to rebuild. I’ve been witness to the hurt. It’s real and it truly takes time. My prayers are with all of you. Kay & Chris, thank you for your support!

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