More Than Single

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Many single people believe they have no recourse other than turning to porn to deal with their loneliness and their sexual desires. In More Than Single: Finding Purpose Beyond Porn, we help singles discover freedom from porn and joy in their circumstances.

14 thoughts on “5 Lies Culture Tells Christian Singles

  1. Not sure about this article. Those aren’t lies and I am not sure anyone has said this to me.

    1) Singles do not want to be chaste because sex is fun. It is not a matter of being ashamed or not ashamed. Wanting sex is an extreme biological urge. So extreme in fact that you know within seconds if you want a person sexually.

    2) People do need a sexual release. This is is why every person in society masturbates.

    3) People sleep around because they don’t find the right person and not having sex before marriage is risky. You try marrying someone you are not sexually compatible with —- good luck with that —- your marriage wont last.

    4) I guarantee those people were lonely and it sucked. I also guarantee they were having lots of sex on the side.

    5) I half agree with this one. You are not a loser if you are single. I know many miserable married people. However, Apostle Paul isn’t right either. So the guy wishes people loneliness? Don’t try selling that to people. Christianity will lose even more members than it is right now.

    Here is the reality. It sucks to be alone all the time. Churches need to do much more than they are about bringing people together and they have to get off this craziness that sex is evil. The older I get the more I realize that some parts of the bible are just pure craziness and it contradicts itself everywhere. Also, it is incredibly unrealistic. Sex may have been taboo back in those days. Partly because of the freaking high disease rate in general. My guess is that is the reason why it was so evil. And did you ever stop to ask yourself why is sex so evil in the first place? Why would God give us this incredibly high biological urge and then turn around and say it is evil? Then only married people can partake in sex? It doesn’t make sense. Not in the least. Man made sex evil as a form of control. Because without sin there is no need for the church.

    People make way too much out of life. You eat, you sleep, you work, you have sex, and you try to help people along the way. That is what life is. Period. That is what the average person is thinking about in a nutshell.

    • Hi Not Sure,

      I like how blogger Tim Challies put it on Facebook the other day: “God’s plan: No sex outside of marriage, lots of sex within marriage. Satan’s plan: Lots of sex outside of marriage, no sex within marriage.” Most Christians aren’t “anti-sex.” We just believe that God’s plan for sex–a unification of two people, a merging of two into one–is better than culture’s plan of separating sex from intimacy. It’s two (married) lovers, growing in delight for each other. Anything other than that, like porn, is a knock-off, a cheap imitation that slowly but surely destroys our emotional bond with our lover. So that’s why we set such strict regulations on sex (or rather, why we follow the Bible’s regulations): we don’t want an absolutely beautiful thing to be diminished.

    • @ Lisa Re: Most Christians aren’t “anti-sex.”

      Not trying to play devil’s advocate, but just want to highlight something that is frequently neglected. And that is, while most Christians aren’t necessarily anti-sex in theory, we are in practice, since we’re not actively pro-sex-in-marriage like we should be.

      Read almost any blog from the Christian Marriage Blogger’s Association (upliftingmarriage.com) long enough, and you’ll find that there are numerous(!) issues and personal testimonies regarding our attempts at biblical sexuality and marriage in the Christian community that explain why the world doesn’t take us seriously and mocks what little biblical truth is actually propagated not only from our churches, but us as individual believers. A sobering case of “too little, too late”.

      It’s an ugly reality and a huge issue that helps explain why pornography is such a huge problem in the church.

    • Dear Not Sure,
      My son is 16, almost 17. He has started dating a girl. He wears a purity ring and has talked to his girlfriend about sexual boundaries. They both have a healthy view of sexuality and realize the gift of purity they possess. They plan to make a lifelong commitment to another person, and one very special day they will give that other person this gift. He thinks so much more than just eating, sleeping, work and sex. In your view, I’m so glad he’s not “average”.

    • “Anything other than that, like porn, is a knock-off, a cheap imitation that slowly but surely destroys our emotional bond with our lover.”

      Well said, Lisa! Now, THAT’S a quotable quote!

    • Satan’s plan: Lots of sex outside of marriage, no sex within marriage.

      Personally, I find this comment insulting and if my cousin was here with me reading this, he would feel even more insulted. I say this because my cousin is an Iraq War veteran who visit legal prostitutes for companionship and intimacy. You might be wondering why he is having sex with prostitutes instead of having it with his wife, the way God intended it Well, I tell you why. He is handicapped and due to his condition, he can’t have a normal, healthy relationship with a woman. He had to accept the fact that he will never get married. That doesn’t mean he has given up his sex life and he shouldn’t have to. Lack of sex can undoubtedly lead to poor quality of life. That’s why he seek prostitutes who specialize in catering to disabled single men to fulfill a sexual void in his life. Now, both of you certainly don’t approve my cousin’s actions and I won’t tell you to change your views. After all, he fought for your rights to hold your religious beliefs. However, you should be mindful when you make such statements.

      There is some people in this world who can’t get married due to unfortunate circumstances (i.e. whether they suffer from social phobia or physical condition) and they shouldn’t be shamed for seeking legal prostitutes for the same reasons.

    • In the end, if a person accepts the fact that God permits (and celebrates) sex in marriage alone, as Lisa does, then one’s opinions on the matter of sex are not based on the individual circumstances of someone’s life; they are based on what God has said in the Bible. Clearly, that’s not the position you’re coming from, Iron Patriot, which is the cause of the rub between your opinion and Lisa’s.

      A civil way to handle this disagreement would be to recognize the cause of the rub and discuss that point specifically, not take immediate personal offense to something that is based on someone else’s worldview. Talk about the point of the rub.

      As a single woman, Lisa is quite aware that some people never get married (the book she is promoting in this article says as much), but this doesn’t stop her from saying that porn isn’t the answer. Why? Because she believes God’s grace transcends our marital status and enables us to find joy regardless of our station in life. She believes that because she not only experiences it herself, but because she believes that what God promises.

      I really do appreciate what you’re saying here. The loneliness someone feels in singleness can be crushing and this should not be met without compassion, but from a Christian perspective, loneliness isn’t best assuaged by sin. Granted, you don’t believe it is sinful, which is where the point of the disagreement lies. She believes Jesus is the very Son of God and has spoken decisively against lust—it is both offensive to God and contrary to how God made us to flourish. You clearly don’t believe this and base your sense of morality on something else. When we take stock of these fundamental differences, I think we feel less personally assaulted by the opinions of others.

    • Yes, we are given an extreme biological urge to have sex. This does not mean that we can’t deny that urge.

      Everyone in society masturbates? I can guarantee that my grandfather doesn’t masturbate. You would most likely argue that he has lost his sexual urges due to his age. True, however not everyone in society masturbates. Also I have a 9 year old little brother that does not masturbate. He’s not physically capable? True, but not everyone in society masturbates. Would you rephrase that to say that everyone physically capable and with sexual urges masturbates? I would say no to that as well. I personally know the leader of a family/Christian organization in my community who I guarantee does not masturbate. He is a 40-something year old man. Does he not fit into that category?

      Not having sex before marriage is risky? I suppose it all comes down to your beliefs, but I believe that God matches us with the perfect person. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me like you have a “test the product before we buy” mindset with marriage and sex. Sir, we are talking about human beings. Beautiful, imperfectly perfect children of God.

      Its possible that they had sex on the side… but you can’t guarantee that they did. You can’t look back into history so don’t make conclusions with nothing to back them. If those great historical figures discovered that all we need is Jesus Christ and His Father then they were most certainly not lonely.

      Lastly, God created sex for marriage. The Bible never contradicts itself. If it seems like it that is because you can’t see deeper into the meaning. God is perfect and real and holy and that is my belief. God gave us a powerful sex drive and commanded us to abstain from sex until marriage to discipline us. Life is not about pleasing our whims and urges. We are to lead a life honoring to God. God doesn’t want us to be average people. He wants us to live life to its fullest, to do our best and make as big a difference as we are able through his strength. We aren’t sexually driven robots. Look around you, how are you reading something that someone possibly halfway around the world is writing? Because people thought outside of urges to discover something amazing. In the end when your breathing your last, will you be scared? Will you regret? Will you know who you are and where you will go? Will you wish that you had done or not done something in your seemingly short life? Or will you be absolutely at peace?

  2. Lie # 1: You should be ashamed of chastity. Because movie director Judd Apatow has a better plan for your sexuality than God does.

    Well said. I also like the way that Jessica Harris puts it: “Virginity – one ‘problem’ that doesn’t need fixing”. No, it doesn’t need fixing, but we do need to acknowledge that God designed our sexuality for full expression within marriage. Without the fulfillment of that expression, we will always–to some degree–experience longing and frustration.

    Lie #2: You need some sort of sexual release. Because we should do our thinking with any other body part than our brains.

    We do ‘need’ (using that term loosely) some sort of sexual release. One way or another, our bodies medically seem to require it (nocturnal emissions and Epididymal hypertension). Anyone who is honest with themselves will admit that suppressing sexual tension isn’t fun. But as believers, we are to discern what Scripture does and does not say about it, and what that release may or may not entail: http://www.waitingforintimacy.com/masturbation,%20a%20commentary.html

    Lie #3: There’s nothing wrong with sleeping around as long as you use protection. Because clearly the connections between multiple partners and unwanted pregnancies/STDs isn’t worth worrying about.

    Agreed. This blatant lie always “conveniently” leaves out the onslaught of damaging and painful consequences (physical/sexual, emotional, spiritual) of ignoring what God designed marriage for. You can’t play in traffic without eventually getting hit by a semi.

    Lie #4: You’re somehow incomplete if you’re not married. Because Jane Austen or Queen Elizabeth the First or Florence Nightingale or Sir Isaac Newton led meaningless lives.

    Let me ask this question: If singles are complete, then why on earth would anyone want to marry (and just because Jane Austen was single and successful doesn’t mean she also didn’t have a desire for marital intimacy)? Incapable of serving God as a single? Obviously no. Incomplete? Obviously yes. Each of us are exactly one half of what God designed in Genesis 2:18, Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 18:22, and Matthew 19:12 (note Jesus’ words–“who can”–at the end of the latter verse, directly describing ministry as a single); the implication is clear that not everyone can. We just don’t like to admit that when we’re single.

    Lie #5: You must be a loser if you’re alone. Because when the Apostle Paul said he wished everyone remained single as he was, he just wanted to keep everyone else down.

    My understanding is that Paul was speaking for himself–not God–when he said this in Scripture. Paul would never refute God’s words in Genesis 2:18; to do so would make him a heretic. So no, you’re not a loser for being single, but within ourselves and our culture, it’s understandably very easy to feel that way, and it’s very frustrating. We–and the church in general–need to be honest about that.

    • Greg, it sounds like we’re mostly in agreement. I do want to call out one thing, though: marriage is a gift for this world. In a real sense, none of us is complete, married or no–but we’re supposed to turn to Jesus for actual completeness, not a spouse. The problem is, I can think of any number of movies where a person’s hard work is practically invalidated because they don’t have a romantic partner to share it with, and this video is simply trying to call that out as the lie that it is.

      Also, the point of the video is not to say that a person is stupid if they want to get married. It’s simply trying to say, if you’re single, don’t feel bad for any of these reasons. Granted, this is a 5 minute video. There’s a lot more detail in More Than Single.

      I hope that clarifies things.

    • I’m not quite sure what specifically you’re asking about. Are you asking about the role of marriage in heaven? Because the Bible is pretty clear that marriage exists on Earth alone, and they will neither marry nor be given in marriage in Heaven (Matthew 22:30). Presumably, that means that sex is also a gift for this life only…but we’ll have something better in intimacy with Jesus.

  3. Iron Patriot,
    That explanation for why your Iraq Veteran cousin was not able to “have a normal, healthy relationship with a woman.” is ridiculous. If he can have sex with prostitutes, he can have sex with a wife. Not finding someone who will love him as he is, is a sad possibility… (leading to your next sentence “He had to accept the fact that he will never get married”.
    And since you think everyone has to have sex, I can see why your logical conclusion is that he MUST visit prostitutes. It doesn’t change the fact that there’s no true intimacy in those relationships; he’s just a job to get over with, to those women. How sad that he probably recognizes that, too…

  4. If you’re single, you have no idea just how good you have it. There was a reason Paul stayed single….marriage is NOT what its cracked up to be, especially for men. It’s like putting a cash value to your entire life and then putting that cash value number on the craps table in Vegas on black or red. No sane person would do that but men are literally gambling their lives away every day at the alter of “I do”. They call it an alter because that’s where men are sacrificed. Don’t do it, it’s not worth it.

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