About the author, Matt Fradd

Matt Fradd is the author of Delivered: True Stories of Men and Woman Who Turned from Porn to Purity. After experiencing a profound conversion at World Youth Day in Rome in 2000, Matt has worked through full-time lay ministry in Australia, Ireland, Canada, and Texas. He has served as an apologist for Catholic Answers and has traveled all over the world, speaking to tens of thousands of teens and young adults. He and his wife Cameron have four children and live in North Georgia.

View all posts by Matt Fradd →

Coming Clean

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

It’s easy for accountability relationships to fail. Learn how to get it right. Take your Accountability partnership to the next level. Read Coming Clean and introduce it to your Accountability Partner.

11 thoughts on “How to Take a U-Turn on the Porn Superhighway

  1. Great video … I like it when I have these small breakthroughs in understanding my addiction. The idea that a chemical reaction is taking place long before I “act out” helps me better understand why the battle becomes difficult at early stages in the cycle.

  2. I’ve been going to Pure Desires for now 2 years, and this video was so helpful in filling in some of the gaps in my “Triggers”. I went through the steps and listed my responses of what has happened in the past at each step. I am so grateful to be able to see my “Triggers” now, and be able to make the RIGHT decision. Praise God!

  3. I’m on day 11 of the 40-day challenge, and I so appreciate the support and encouragement the daily e-mails provide.

    I’ve listed my triggers, and there are many that I can simply avoid which has been a great help. But I’m unsure how to deal with my greatest trigger. I’ve been married 22 years to a wonderful wife, but we have vastly different libidos. Sex is really the only area we fight about. I’m not blaming her since God calls us all to purity regardless of circumstances.

    But rejection is a huge trigger for me. I can usually weather two or three nights of rejection, but beyond that depression and temptation dramatically rises with each passing day. Mix that with anger at God for providing a wife with virtually no interest, and it is a recipe for disaster. I am working on the anger issue with my pastor.

    Do you have any advice for dealing with the rejection trigger? In the past I’ve just tried not asking (can’t be rejected if you don’t ask). When no invitations were given for weeks, I became very depressed and failed again. This is a trigger I cannot avoid.

    • So glad you’re enjoying the 40 Day Challenge!

      In my experience, rejection is a massive trigger for a number of men. First, let me say that it is great you are working through your anger (whether it be at your wife or at God). You are lightyears ahead, because many people would simply grow bitter in their sense of entitlement. The fact that you’re pushing past this is great, even if it is a struggle right now.

      I have two thoughts for you. The first has to do with processing your sense of rejection with your wife. The second has to do with how you lean on God in the midst of any scenario of rejection.

      First, when you’ve spoken with your wife about this stuff, what has she said?

      Rather than frame the discussion around your rejection, frame it around your desire for intimacy. Express your love to her, tell her you want to be close to her (including sex), and tell her it is far more than just hormones and libido. Sex is not just about “getting something out of your system” or finding “release.” Sex is about laughing together, touching each other, kissing, hugging, and pleasing each other, enjoying time together. For your wife, she may not really desire to be “pleasured” sexually, as much as you, and that’s okay, but let her know how much it means to you emotionally (not just physically). Tell her you want her, not just “sex.” Let her know you want to, over time, improve your communication with her about your desires. Let her know about your weaknesses—your struggle with feelings of rejection—and let her know what she can do to help. If she just has nothing sexually to give that night, tell her how you would like her to speak to you to affirm you.

      Perhaps you can suggest going through a couple’s class to improve the overall quality of your marriage—not because there’s an overt “problem,” but because you want to grow spiritually with her. I highly recommend this video series (free online!) from Brad Hambrick. It’s called “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage.” There’s a whole section on intimacy that is several videos long. Work through it with her and talk about it.

      Often, just taking these proactive steps to open your heart to your spouse, regardless of what sex flows from it, can be a huge help in squelching any sense of rejection.

      Second, continue working through, in prayer, your sense of rejection. In about a week, you’ll get an e-mail in the 40 Day Challenge linking to this article: “6 Reasons Men and Women Are Drawn to Porn.” I think you might enjoy reading this article now. Hope it helps!

    • I am now at 20 successful days of the challenge.

      My wife struggles with anger at God over the same thing, anger that she just doesn’t have much interest. She has been working on that for some time. She has also been working through forgiveness toward family members who perpetrated terrible things on her as a child. We understand that can affect libido. She’s also been checking on hormone imbalances. Though I haven’t always seen it, she has been working on it.

      Since starting the 40-day challenge, we have been working on greater non-sexual intimacy as Luke suggested. Snuggling, holding hands, talking alone without kids, walking and praying together. It has been a wonderful time of growing closer together. In fact she wanted to break the sex fast at day 12. Whoa, I can’t remember the last time she wanted sex. Two days later she wanted it again. Hopefully it doesn’t hinder my healing, but I couldn’t pass up those opportunities! Last night on our walk, my wife said, “I feel like I have a new husband.”

      I think the lessons on Cultivating Thankfulness, Identifying Idols and and Embracing Godly Pleasures has been a real help with the rejection feeling. First, I’m focusing on thanking God for the wonderful wife He has given me instead of focusing on not getting as much sex as I want. Second, I think sex was an idol for me. I’m working on that. And then something the author of Embracing Godly Pleasures struck me. He said that God created sex so that I could give immense pleasure to His daughter. Wow, that is powerful. Instead of concern for self, focus on pleasuring God’s daughter.

      We’re about five days into my wife’s cycle. In the past I have felt like, “Great, didn’t this just happen a week ago? Now I’ll miss out another week.” This time I was much more focused on what she is enduring than what I’m missing. I’ve also been teasing her about what I’m going to do to her when it’s over. She can’t wait!

      Thanks for all you are doing. So much healing has occurred in our family over the last 20 days. Even the kids are acting better, and, as far as we know, they know nothing about what I’m doing or had been doing. Perhaps they sense some dark cloud has blown away.

    • Wow. First, I have to say I LOVE IT when people actually write back here on this blog. It is so good hearing back from people about how things are going. Sometimes it can feel like your spitting into the ocean when it comes to leaving comments—are people even listening? So glad to hear back from you, Michael.

      It is great to hear how things have been going between you and your wife—and your whole family. I’m eager to hear what the next couple weeks bring.

  4. Excellent discussion. Rejection was definitely a trigger, or are triggers really just excuses? Either way, her being too tired or not in the mood frequently led me to thinking “well, if that’s the case, she’d better not be surprised if I look at porn”. So was anger or rejection the trigger? Or the head rush from eating the forbidden fruit? Maybe some combination. Obviously the end result was not God-pleasing, but unfortunately that’s often not the case when we rationalize.

    I can’t say that I’m actually enjoying the 40 day challenge (I’m only on day 4), but it is great in that it’s helping me to confront an issue that’s bedeviled me for my entire adult life, and has come close to ruining my marriage (our 24th anniversary is Monday). Great work, guys!

  5. You talking about me!!!! It’s like you know me. And I am somewhere in the back of beyond in a semi-rural part of Africa.I really appreciate this and by God’s grace I will beat this rubbish addiction!!

  6. Day Four Into It.

    To see your thoughts, fears, doubts, and temptations put into words, does a lot to clear the air. And makes it easier to understand and plan how to deal with it. A day or two before finding this program, the Lord made clear to me in a very adamant way, that to overcome a temptation I must desire Him more than that temptation. One of the first scripture verses in this program was Romans 13:14. What a formidable and indefensible attack plan! Put Him first. I believe the Lord put this program before us who are addicted to porn for that very purpose. Not to overcome addiction only, but to make Him our hearts desire. My prayer is to show my gratitude to God by using this opportunity to honor Him. Thanks to all involved in this project. Will try not to let all your hard work go in vain. Thanks again, Wayne.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *