Porn and Your Husband

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Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

39 thoughts on “Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?

  1. When you say “Yes, he loves you, but he also loves and is hooked on how porn makes him feel,” I believe this is contradictory? Love does not continue to dishonor the vows made to a spouse. Love does not continue to hurt a spouse after learning that the choices you made did so. Someone under the influence of pornography may THINK that they truly love their spouse, but their actions do not reflect true love.

    • One of the things that recent research has shown is that men who view porn pretty quickly come to have a lot of narcissistic thinking traits. They lose their ability to think of others and become highly self-focused. So in that sense, I agree with you that it doesn’t look like love. The thing that can happen in recovery, though, is that the scales can fall away as they stop using porn and they can reconnect to what real love is. To me, it’s like porn-brain masks the real person who’s trapped in there and doesn’t know it. Have you ever seen The Matrix? Everybody thinks they’re living a real life, only they come to discover they’re trapped and being used–I think porn-brain is kind of like that.

    • Amen! And then after he quits, he demands you get over it quickly and become your old self. Well, I don’t mind I’m a by product of your husbandry. If you don’t like it that 10 years of YOUR addiction changed me, too bad.

    • Exactly how I feel. My husband uses porn, and it kills me. I’ve let my feelings be known. Seems men think they are allowed this b.s.

  2. Many men are stuck in marriages they do not want to be in and if they divorce, they lose everything. Then there is the fact the woman you dated isn’t the same woman after marriage and most certainly not the same woman five years down the road. Women are all about themselves. Even the question of this article shows this. There is not a realistic attempt to understand the needs of the husband. There is only the attempt to comfort the woman and her feelings. In short — marriage is all about a woman’s needs and that gets old. A woman wants a better house, a better car, better furniture, a manicured lawn, a big engagement ring, she wants children …… face facts, in America, it is all about the woman and many men are just stuck.

    If a man needs porn to feel alive, that means something is killing him in the home. That death is coming from the marriage. What is a marriage supposed to be for a man? A place where he doesn’t feel alive. Where is just a provider for the endless needs of a woman? Is that it? I guess so if he needs to look at porn to feel alive.

    America also better wake up and realize that feminism has taken a tremendous toll on men in this country. Heck, it has even taken a toll on boys seeing as they are committing suicide at a rate four times higher than girls.

    Bottom line is this. The family is being destroyed in America from feminism. Divorces are at an all time high and have made it so that women get everything. Abortion is at an all time high. Obesity is at an all time high.

    • This is addressed to “Why”?….
      What you speak about are TWO different issues. If a wife is too materialistic, that is an issue which needs to be addressed. If a husband is lusting for other women i order to feel “alive” in a marriage that is all but dead to him, that clearly is another separate issue. Sex is not simply about physical gratification any more than materialistic desires are. Sex is designed to be used as an expression of LOVE between a husband and wife…not an outlet to be used for desiring others. Both of these issues can cause the downfall of the marriage if not governed by God. YOUR sin against the Covenant of marriage cannot be justified because of feminism. Feminism is just as wrong, but is a different sin, and a sin that does not violate the basic foundation of the marriage Covenant. Yet, both must be addressed, and both require different remedies.

      So if you have a fat wife who has abortions…one who wants and wants everything she sees, deal with THAT appropriately…do not justify your own sin against the Covenant to do so…like “tit for tat”. Your feelings of wanting to be “alive” do not come from whether she is giving into her sin of being overly feminized…feeling of being “alive” comes from YOUR RIGHT STANDING WITH THE GOD WHO CREATED YOU.

      Ever heard of the word “NO”? You can do what needs to be done to exercise that option if your marriage is so out of control that you are miserable in it. You do not have a pass to sin because you are unfulfilled. You have a God given CALL to do what you can to change the issues…start with your own…then move to what ails you about your wife. Take a strong stand against sin in your home, starting with YOURS as leader…learn to say NO…and let the chips fall where they will.

    • I guess I’m not tracking with you.

      You say there’s no attempt in this video to understand the needs of the husband. But the entire video is about the mentality of men who find porn alluring: the dueling desires, the compartmentalization, the addictive nature of porn. How is this ignoring the needs of the husband? By implication, the husband’s needs are very clear: men need to understand their private fantasy lives will spill over into other areas of their life; men need to get to the bottom of why they find fantasy sex so alluring and enticing and recognize that porn is just a symptom, not the root problem; men need to understand the addictive nature of porn and find help. It seems like this entire article is about the needs of the man.

      Now, of course, I know what you really mean by “needs.” You are upset that certain men are married to women who are selfish, and then these men are demonized for “taking care of their sexual needs” with porn after intimacy in their marriages have fallen apart. I get what you’re saying, but I think it is somewhat beside the point. Do odious wives need to stop being selfish, cruel, or prudish with their husbands. Sure. Absolutely. But that is never (a) the root cause of using porn or (b) a reasonable excuse to use porn.

      I agree that men often turn to porn (and many other addictions) because they are reacting to a situation at home (or at work or in society) that is less than ideal. No doubt about that. If a man feels like his marriage is coming unglued, this should certainly be rectified. We talk at length about that on our blog. But, of course, even in the best, most sexually vibrant marriages, men are still tempted to look at porn. This is because if men look only to their life situation to satisfy them, they will always come up empty. Men (and women) need to find a source of satisfaction and connection that runs deeper than the person they lay in bed with every night.

    • His addiction is his fault and his fault alone.

      The wife should NEVER be blamed. EVER. You’re just making excuses for addiction.

      That is wrong. Even the Bible says that we alone are responsible for our sin, not society.

    • I am going to guess that you are in a marriage wherein your wife has asked “too much” of you. You have an unhappy wife, and marriage so you watch porn and masturbate in order to feel “alive.” I think were your words. I have to laugh because the fact that you blame her for wanting too much from you which in turn makes you watch porn and masturbate sounds like 1) you didn’t take enough time to find a partner that wanted the “real” things that marriage brings. 2) you do not take responsibility for your own decisions and actions and blame her instead and 3) You feel GUILTY for doing it and are trying to make excuses for why you do what you do. If watching porn and masturbating are so normal and okay, why are so many couples destroyed by it…really, grow up.

    • Uhm. Excuse me. Please do NOT throw all women into the same category “it’s all about women.” If a man is obsessed with porn, maybe it’s just that! Don’t go and blame wives or girlfriends for an addiction a man has. Such a BS excuse: look at porn to feel alive because all I ever do is provide every wish my wife has. Typical male comment right there! Many women do NOT have any demands, or expectations of their husbands!! Men just like lookin at porn. It’s that simple. You think you’re some psychologist or something? Get over yourself.

    • I can only agree with one thing you said about feminism. I think women have more than enough freedom and respect already these days sadly theres many women out there taking advantage of that. That’s why it seems like that. But there is women out there that are not taking advantage of this. They don’t ask for a glamorous car or a castle. All we ask for is love and respect. Little do you know when a women receives this she gets sexually opened to your needs. America is not being destroyed by feminism. We can say the same thing about porn, being that porn destroys marriages. Yet gus will keep justifying it and blame it on something else. Porn is disrespectful and immoral yet I believe every wife should be the husbands secret porn star and no one else.

    • Men who are married and looking at porn are not doing so because the marriage is unhappy. If that were the case, then why do single men with or without girlfriends look at porn? Seems to me, men in all categories look at porn, even the gay men who are with another man. I think the porn obsession is more to do with being in control and being selfish. They get to “get off” and not have to commit to any emotion from another person. While this may be fine in a lot of instances and makes sense if you are a man without a partner, it also makes for curious conversation about feelings and intimacy. I, for example, would love for my husband to tickle my body with light caresses for hours and hours WAAAY before I would consider what he wants out of sex. I could do without the breast touching, the penetration, the heavy breathing in my ears. But if he were to lightly run his fingers over my skin for hours, I would be pleased. I just truly believe that what we WANT out of sex are two different things. I have no interest in being sexual with someone who finds strangers in magazines as interesting and useful to his needs. His use of porn pretty much says I am not necessary. In our younger days I was all over him 3, 4, sometimes 7 times a day. He STILL looked at porn. So it pretty much told me that no matter what I do, he will still look and I am not enough for his needs. I lost all value in the world of the bedroom. I believe I have shutdown beyond my own control because he has signaled to me that I am not what he wants. So he made his choice, not me. I am just reacting to his and protecting my own heart.

    • Hey Deb,

      Men in our culture are actively taught to avoid emotion. They are told that men don’t have emotions, that emotions are shameful. Then we put men into marriages where they are expected to be emotionally intelligent, and it doesn’t work. It’s not so much about men being selfish, in my opinion. The lack of emotional intelligence combined with the objectification of women is a toxic mix.

      It’s so much easier to soothe your emotions (which you’ve been told you don’t have) with porn. Chemically, it works.

      I think you’re asking your husband to do something (connect with you) that he’s terrified to do. Now. I don’t think your expectations are wrong! I think emotional connection is the lifeblood of every human being–especially men, when they can learn to do it. A man healed from emotional disconnection is a grateful and enthusiastic spouse, I have found. It’s just that we tend to address his “rejection of you” without addressing his rejection of himself as a feeling, emotional human being. And unless and until that gets addressed, nothing will really change.

      Hold to your boundaries, be healthy for yourself, find a therapist to help you work through the pain, but recognize that “he rejects me” is not actually the deepest issue here.

      Dealing with his rejection of himself is actually the key to healing. Unforunately, everything in our culture, even many recovery programs, work against emotional healing and intelligence for men.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  3. Yes. He loves what it does for HIM. My husband’s lusting is of a more insidious nature. He builds up his libido using all the women he sets his eyes on…as well as using the “rolodex” of past/present women that is ever presently available in his mind. He will then turn on me and use MY body to give birth to this lust…to “finish” the job. This way, he can consider himself to be safe from the consequences of out and out adultery. I call this “WET MASTURBATION”. He does this because he does not believe in masturbation…but has no problem using lust for others as a starting point for building up his sexual libido in our marriage. Nice huh? No, I am not fat or ugly…nor have I ever been a “refuser” (until now).

    Conceiving sin in his mind and heart (by whatever means available…porn, live women or memories), and then bringing that sin into our marriage bed is probably the sneakiest way I have ever encountered a man trying to have his cake and eat it too…trying to hide behind the veneer of Christianity while continuing to defile himself as well as me.

    ALL the counseling that is available to Christian women insists that she put up with his “use” of us…WHY?

    I went to the Lord with this after 10 years of suffering my husband defiling me…this is what He said (though I wished He had said it sooner): There is a season for everything under the sun…” a time to embrace, and a time to withhold from embracing”… This is in the book of Proverbs written by the wisest man in the times, and inspired by God…Solomon. So you see, when the Lord has had enough of our suffering, and the counselors ignorantly or insensitively insist that we have to continue giving sex to a man who loves his lusting more than he loves his wife, there DOES come a “time” to just STOP the charade and STOP enabling him to drag you into his sin with him.

    God’s design for marriage was never meant to be an outlet for a man to USE his wife while lusting for another woman. Marriage and sex were designed to actually PREVENT the lusting for others!

    How about you doing an article on THAT? How about an article that frees women to have more than two options…either divorcing or putting up with this? How about that she simply WITHDRAW from the marital privilege that he defiles? Most women are afraid to do this…but before you opt for divorce or separation, I would recommend simply stopping all sexual contact and let the chips fall where they will. Let your husband run to God for forgiveness and cleansing…or let him run out the door and continuing in his sin and defile someone else.

    • I’m a counselor, and a Christian, and I would never tell a woman that she is required to participate in a sexual relationship with her husband if she feels uncomfortable in that relationship.

      I think that we are all stewards of our own bodies, and we each have the right to draw boundaries as we see fit, including sexually.

      I think that when there is addiction or abuse in a relationship, the “normal rules” about sexuality in marriage have already been broken, and you have to think beyond specific “rules” to better principles of spiritual and emotional health.

      The verse that people use to say that you must have sex, no matter what, is I Corinthians 7:5 which talks about not withholding sex from one another unless you agree because of fasting and prayer. Which is clearly not what’s going on here! It’s porn, not prayer! If Christian counselors are telling women they are required to give sex based on this verse, they ought to read their Bibles a bit more thoroughly.

      Again, I think there are bigger principles at play, when the spouse is not being treated with love and respect, but is simply being used for the addict’s addictive needs.

      I think Matthew 23:23 is a better guiding principle: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices–mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law–justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.”

      To me, justice, mercy and faithfulness are most important. If your marriage supports you having sex AND justice, mercy, and faithfulness, great. If not, then justice mercy and faithfulness have to win out over the specific rules.

    • Also Why…I have a closet jam packed full of designer clothing…boots, purses, you name it. When I am spending money, (although we have zero debt), I came to notice that I was in a kind of “trance”. I did not know why I did it…certainly not because I needed anything…but it gave me a temporary level of feeling empowered and comfort (like overeating does for some…or drinking for others).
      Then the Lord showed me. I do it because I feel ugly and unfulfilled…I am basically trying to find a level of satisfaction by “feeling” pretty BECAUSE my husband has long ago made me feel UGLY due to his porn use. I sought a remedy that did nothing to deal with the issue of the effects of his lusting and violation of our Covenant created…the void of love and acceptance he would not give. So I went for the wardrobe instead.

      So, seeing this, I STOPPED wanting things that were designed to cover my feelings of despair…and instead, am dealing with the core issues. I am not a feminist…I believe in the proper roles of marriage as defined by God. But you see, these things can and do become distorted when sin enters and has its way between a married couple. When in the fog of sin, things spiral out of control and each “player” justifies their own responses…to the destruction of the marriage.

      So ask yourself…have you been LUSTING against the marriage (a wife KNOWS this in her spirit even without proof)…and has this insidious sin been the cause of your wife seeking comfort from materialistic purchases and desires…to fill a void in her soul?

      Only you can know. But if this is not the case…DEAL with her about it. Get rid of credit/debit cards and get on a budget.

    • I’m ready to divorce my hubby after putting up with it for 12 years, and almost 9 years of knowing about it. He doesn’t get what he’s done. I only stayed b/c of the kids and b/c money is tight and I also homeschool.

      Those are wrong reasons to stay married.

    • Hey Anne, what a tough, sad situation. It’s really hard to decide what healthy boundaries look like for yourself and your kids, regardless of what your husband chooses. Have you come across the book, Boundaries in Marriage? I’ve found that to be really helpful in thinking through what it means to close the door on unhealthy things, and then to open the door to good health and wholeness in marriage. Sometimes, unfortunately, it does mean that the relationship ends when things are so unhealthy. I hate that, but it’s a reality at times. Blessings to you today, Kay

    • I once challenged my husband who insists that porn is not cheating and is harmless. I asked him if I went out to the theater and cuddled up next to some strange guy and held his hand through the movie and that is the only way I could get turned on to have sex with him, would he have sex with me and feel good about himself? Surely, he might be excited off it here and there, just as trying out porn with him in our early days was a fresh rush to me for a time or two. But it got old, really fast. I even learned that if I wanted the porn on and he didn’t he would not have sex if we watched it – ahhh, the tables turned. Yet, 25+ years later, he still looks at porn and I believe he PREFERS to do it privately – again, he can’t fail with me if he’s doing his own thing. There are no expectations, no foreplay to deal with, no emotions to commit to. I believe as a society, we choose to not look at it this way. I equate him wanting porn by himself sort of like my desire to take a warm bubble bath alone (no not a playful sexual bath), just one where the kids are not there asking me questions, he’s not staring at me, it’s just me. Perhaps we are making too much of the masturbation. Can our husbands not love on us and make us feel good without having to penetrate us? Could it be that they won’t make us feel good without the penetration of them? What if he masturbated to porn and all of the visuals he needed but his body massage to you that was non-sexual in nature left you feeling marvelous? I would have that as a trade off any day. This whole take the penetration thing because he pays the bills is so old school. I pay half the bills so can I do half the sex? I mean, really – sex should not be a bargaining unit in the marriage. A little off topic but it still fits.

  4. BRAVO Kay…how about doing an article then? MOST Christian counselors NEVER suggest the option of withdrawing from sex once the devil has already taken control of the sexual component of the marriage…which sex, was meant to PREVENT from happening. If a man/woman are still in the control of the devil, then let the devil, the offending spouse and God battle this out. Let the innocent spouse get OFF the battle field and be safe until Victory is won…or clearly lost.

    Most, if not all women HAVE been giving justice, mercy, and faithfulness regardless of what their spouses are doing to violate them. There comes a time to just STOP…it comes enabling since the husband is having it both ways. Preach it Kay…because no one else is giving these women THAT option…and I think you are aware of that. Most women have been SUFFERING for YEARS, and have lost all of their personal dignity and sexual desire for their husbands. They are living a charade of false hope. Nothing changes when nothing changes…perhaps the wives should kick start the process when they come to the end of themselves and BEFORE they become nothing more than a plastic blow up doll in the marital bed.

    • I do try to talk a lot about boundaries, and empowering women to decide what boundaries are appropriate for themselves. I think one of the most important things that women can discover in recovery is their own voice and their own value. And so I like to give resources that encourage women to think about their own situation–and each situation is SO incredibly individual!–and out of their own understanding of their situation, to create boundaries that they find to be appropriate. As far as deciding how your individual sex life will work–that’s your decision to make, within the bounds of justice, mercy, and faithfulness. Here’s an article I wrote about boundaries a while back. One of the best books on this topic is Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

  5. Thanks for responding Luke. I will reply to your reply with a new comment.

    I completely disagree with you about when you are stuck with a odious wife who is need selfish, cruel, or prudish. That is what causes a heck of a lot of porn use. What? You actually think guys with a sweet, fun, and good looking wife are wasting their time with porn? You might get that impression because women never look at themselves realistically and will never admit to being selfish, cruel, or prudish, but rest assured, many men are driven to porn by situations within the home. How many women who complain about their husbands using porn have admitted to you that thy were selfish, cruel, or prudish? I am willing to bet none.

    Life beats people into the ground Luke. There is no connection to something greater. I get it. Christians want to believe in some more meaningful existence. That we go on to some magical place. That you follow all these rules and you will make it there. I have lived a very full life. Man’s idea of morality is not all that moral. My God, we have destroyed MILLIONS of lives over pot. An herb that God put on this planet. Really think about this thought. Moral? Man? Please. Christ should have never left and for the life of me, I don’t know why he did. Man is not capable of doing this on his or her own. It is impossible. Then if you throw into the mix that evil really may be influencing people. Well the whole situation is just messed up. It is a no win situation.

    • You asked, “You actually think guys with a sweet, fun, and good looking wife are wasting their time with porn?” Yes. Now, of course, there are happily married men who don’t look at porn (just as there are happily single men who don’t look at porn), but we talk to men all the time who see no visible fault in their wives that served as a catalyst for using porn. I suppose you’ve just never met anyone like that, but we’ve spoken to scores of them.

      Your characterization of Christians saddens me. Not that I blame you—I think many Christians probably have given you this impression. The idea of “going on to some magical place” sounds totally escapist and “follow all the rules” sounds very legalistic. Nothing about the message of Christ even suggest these notions.

      You are right about this: man cannot make this world better on his own. I believe, however, Christ’s power is very present to bring about radical changes in the world. The history of Christian revivals shows this: as whole families, churches, groups, and nations turn to Christ, systemic changes begin to take root in the church.

      You are also right that life beats people into the ground. Life is hard. Life is full of suffering, but we shouldn’t try to pretend that the absence of a specific kind of suffering will cure us of our sins.

      Let’s get back to the heart of the question and this video: We hear from thousands of men who are in recovery groups for porn addiction who say, “My wife is not to blame for my actions. She is beautiful, sexually available, and adventurous. I simply chose the fantasy of porn over the reality of her.” On the other hands, women are often made to feel to blame for their husband’s choices, which only adds insult to injury. Women should account for their sins alone, not their husband’s sins.

    • As a wife who has never been selfish with my body, when my husband is involved… I want to tell you that you are narrown in your point of view.

  6. In my situation, he accused me of being a sex addict for wanting a normal sex life. Then, he claimed that he is “asexual”. That turned out to be a bold-faced lie which I discovered 6 years into the relationship. In my generosity of spirit, I attibuted his lack of interest in my looks, possibly, (in all honesty, I have been called beautiful many times throughout my life….I would say my looks are at least average), his severe sinusitis (he can hardly breathe), or even some other condition (he has fainted on two occasions). But the big reveal to me, after praying for clarity, was that he was using his cell phone for porn. I was shocked beyond belief. Porn is so NOT in my value system. It is mysogyny……it affects every woman whether it is the wife, the girls being trafficked, or the little princesses being molested by family members.It is WRONG and there is no excuse for it. I am on a vendetta against it and, no, I do not believe that feminism is responsible for it. I do not believe that most women are selfish. They want love above all else. In the words of Patrick Carnes about sex addiction “Don’t call it love”.

  7. The Bible says to love in deed and in truth. When a husband is addicted to porn, they neglect their wives, spiritually, emotionally and physically. The pain for me some days was unbearable in the beginning.

    I kinda feel this article is an excuse. The truth is, my hubby loved porn more than me.

    • Of course he loves the porn more…that however is his CHOICE to do so. He will either hate the sin, or stay in love with it and minimize the impact it has on himself and on you…and on the relationship it can destroy with God by a hardening of the heart. Perhaps it is time for consequences…but only if YOU can stand your ground and let the chips fall where they will.

    • How so, Anne? Can you explain more?

      The point of the article is that men who are hooked on porn are duplicitous: they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want want marriage gives them, and they want what porn gives them. Many men do in fact love porn more than they love their wives (sadly), but this does not mean they don’t love their wives at all. The premise of the video is the situation where a man says he loves his wife but still looks at porn, not men who abandon their marriages to have porn.

      So sorry to hear about your experiences, Anne. It breaks my heart to hear about marriages ruined by porn.

  8. Ah hem (clearing throat)…The premise of the video where a man says he loves his wife enough to NOT abandon their marriage? Are you kidding? He has all BUT abandoned her if anyone knows the meaning of “faithfulness”. He sticks around for the benefits his wife gives…and the appearance of being an otherwise great guy and loving husband. So in effect, what he has set up is a scenario where he forces the WIFE to abandon the marriage first. Nice guy? He gives his heart and eyes to porn…and then expects his wife to feel loved at the same time?

    You cannot really think that a woman is going to live out decades of feeling nothing but shame/inadequate vs having his paycheck as some kind of a door prize do you? Because we are not allowed to eat from the table of God and at the same time, be feasting off the table of Satan too. Something is going to happen…and THAT is why divorce in the Church is at an all time high…because married men refuse to choose what they love more, preferring to have BOTH. They play the “I’m trying” game for years and years, all the while devastating their wife bit by bit until there is nothing more left for her to do but RUN to save what is left of herself. Then she has to go to years of therapy because she no longer has any equilibrium about who she is or what her true value is.

    I am sure these men love many things about their wives…why shouldn’t they??? But then, so do the family pets.

    • Hi again, Sweetz.

      I’m trying to track what you’re saying here, but I think I’m still missing the point.

      Do men say they love their wives and still look at porn? Yes. I think we agree on this point. Are men actually showing their love their wives by looking at porn? No. I think we agree here too. Is there a twisted rationale men use to try to reconcile these facts? Yes. I think you agree here as well. Is that rationale completely illogical? Yes. The video states all these things. You said it well: “married men refuse to choose what they love more, preferring to have BOTH.” This is what the video states as well: “Your husband probably wants it both ways: he genuinely hates the fact that this thing is causing a rift between himself and you, but he doesn’t want to give up feeling alive, powerful, and so forth.” I don’t think we disagree at all.

      Perhaps it is the brevity of this video that is irksome to you. The point of the video is to answer one very specific question women often ask us: Why does my husband look at porn and say he loves me? The point is not to address anything else, but to lead other other resources that do cover other concerns (namely our free book Porn and Your Husband). For instance, you asked, “You cannot really think that a woman is going to live out decades of feeling nothing but shame/inadequate vs having his paycheck as some kind of a door prize do you?” Absolutely not. We know many women who are in the regrettable situation where they leave their husbands because of porn (and our book talks about that scenario).

      You might be interested to know I recently wrote my Master’s thesis on this very topic: is porn use ever grounds for divorce? I’d love to share with you the biblical research I’ve done on this topic.

  9. My cooment is for Luke Gilkerson:
    I too am experiencing these same issues with my husband.The question is “Why do men say they love you but loves porn as well?” I’ve been together with my mate for 4 years and married for 2 and a half. When asked why does he do it. He gets very agitated and upset and causes us to argue. I have tried everything from dressing sexy to playing sex roles and still porn is his first choice. I feel more like a roommate than a wife and enough is enough. God says in Corinthians 7 verses 2 thru 5. Let each man have his own wife and each woman her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife doesn’t have authority over her own body but the husband does…likewise the husband doesn’t have authority over his body but the wife does. DO NOT DEPRIVE one another except with consent for a time that u may give yourself to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your LACK OF SELF CONTROL. I say this to say that this scripture does not say take time off from one another to go and engage I porn live or fantasy for either partner…..Do u agree?

    • Hi Disappointed,

      Great questions. Let me see if I can bring some clarity.

      First, let me say how sorry I am that you’re in this situation. No woman should have to face what you are facing right now. I breaks my heart that your husband is being as selfish and insensitive as he is.

      In reply, yes: porn is never something we should engage in. Porn provokes lust, and lust is clearly sinful.

      The 1 Corinthians passage you mentioned is all about the rights of husbands and wives to engage in sexual intimacy. For your husband to choose porn at all is sinful, but for him to deny your sexual desires is also sinful.

      Something you should understand is you should never feel the need to “compete” with porn. Dressings sexy and keeping things fresh in the bedroom are, of course, wonderful to do, but a husband should never act as though his wife isn’t “pornographic” enough. No woman can compete with a novelty. This is the reason why so many men today are experiencing porn-induced ED: they have trained their brains for porn for so long, they can’t get or keep an erection with a real, flesh-and-blood woman anymore. This is no the fault of the woman—this is the fault of a mind that is trained for constant novelty and variety.

      It is likely your husband simply doesn’t know how to talk to you about this problem. He may not even consider it a problem. I might open the conversation like this: “I know you don’t like it when I ask you why you watch porn, but my only desire is to really understand what’s going on. Clearly, we have different expectations about the use of porn. You think you should be able to watch it, and I don’t. I want to talk about that difference. I don’t want this to become a heated argument, so let’s just take time to listen to each other. You tell me everything you want to say about what you like about pornography and why you want to watch it. I will simply listen without interrupting you. Then I want some time to talk to you about how I feel, while you simply listen.” During the conversation, talk to him about how you want to sexually please him and how you want to be his standard of beauty. Talk to him about why you feel porn is damaging his mind and hurting your relationship.

      See where that conversation takes you.

      There’s so much more than should be said. I recommend you download this free book to get your started.

  10. Dear Sisters in Anguish,
    Two Years After D-Day and — to a degree — I am still broken, torn, lonely, hurting — give me a betrayed wife verb or adjective and I have felt or still feel it. I

    As stated above, boundaries are very essential for more reasons than even the Cloud and Townsend book express.

    Many husbands, like mine, take the next step once addicted to porn and that is prostitutes. I was so naive — we were lovers and best friends and THE go-to couple for happily ever after! I never thought he would betray me. But he did.

    Like his use of porn, first he would go to prostitute sites for the fantasy masturbation, then he made it a reality. When this happens, the Word of God tells us they become “one” with them in body and spirit and that is dangerous is so many more ways than you can imagine. Aside from bringing home a disease that caused me to have constant yeast infections after sex with him and eventually a hysterectomy, throughout this time he was blaming me for the physical issues. (He claims he never even associated it with his activities) Eventually, our two daughters were drawn into behaviors of sexual immorality. It shocked both of us, but of corse H saw no connection. Our son in medical school was put on probation and in counseling for sexual harassment, but of corse H saw no connection. I was wondering why my “Christian” family was falling apart. Prayers for our family were not being answered and I couldn’t understand why. Now I do — 1 Peter 4:7 “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

    Then I found out about his 7 years of betrayals, confirmed by the two polygraphs, the horror of his actions began a fire within me. I could imagine the prostitutes, I knew their names and started obsessing over their beauty compared to my 58 year old self. I began to feel the resentment of their lives and the bitterness of what they were doing — the constant selling of their bodies for the reassurance that men still desired them…knowing someday they would not. I began to see that my spirit was carrying the same anger, bitterness, and sense of hopelessness. I was old, I was rejected. My H even told me that 75% of the women he viewed were younger, prettier, and skinnier than me. He reinforced all of the anguish I was feeling — this was 18 months after his discovery!

    After a prayer retreat, I began looking at the I Corinthians 5:16 “Do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her?” and suddenly I realized that I was no longer his wife. He had many wives. He went to our pastor who had never even considered such a thing. It sounded like wacko theology — until he began to research God’s word and see the horrible consequences brought upon men who were adulterers. When my H was having a sexual relationship with me, he was joining me to the circle of harlots. He met with church elders and verbally divorced himself from the women he committed adultery with.
    I finally began to understand the prayer:
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    So I drew a boundary. I renovated the master suite where I hide when I come home from work. He sleeps downstairs. He still makes many promises he doesn’t keep and seems to be waiting me out. But I must understand that I am not responsible. He has a choice. He could honor the woman who once gave him her heart or he can continue to honor himself. At this time, he choses the latter.
    It is a choice — and ladies, be strong. Draw your boundary lines and somehow, prayerfully keep the walls from erecting themselves.

  11. Bravo Annie! Ladies NEED to know that waiting out their husbands “I’m trying” CAN be done by separating sexually. Once the devil in the bedroom has been discovered, ALL BETS ARE OFF. We do NOT help our husbands to continue sexually with then as if nothing serious has happened.

    I also have the upstairs bedroom…my husband has the one downstairs where the computer is haha! I do not care…it is now between him and God, as I am OUT of that picture until I see a broken man who confesses and repents WITHOUT prompting by me. THIS is what we women should be strong enough to do while waiting to see what choices our husbands will make and STICK to. I will never go back to playing any part of the haram in his mind.

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