The following is an essay written by Paige, one of our scholarship winners from last year. Paige is graduating from Biola University this spring (May 2015) with a Bachelor’s in Cinema & Media Arts, and is currently pursuing a full-time career as a recording artist in the music industry. This is one of the essays Paige submitted to apply for our scholarship. If you are interested in applying for this year’s scholarship, fill out our application.
From the time I was six years old, I have been exposed to ungodly sexuality, pornography, and other forms of unwholesome media. Growing up in a secular, alcoholic household, filled with materialism and devoid of true love, I began to develop an unhealthy concept of sex, never fully arriving at the intrinsic significance of God’s purposeful intention in creating relationships between men and women. This exposure combined with parental neglect led to a forced personal exploration for me as a pre-teen.
For many years, I wondered and questioned about what sex was really created for. As I entered high school, my eyes began to open to the reality of Jesus when my Mom made a life-changing decision to get clean and sober from alcohol. I began to see God in such a powerful way in her life and wondered if God could possibly have that in store for me, too. Two weeks later, I rededicated my life to the Lord and devoted myself to full-time ministry.
I danced and sang and entertained for three full years in TeamKid!, our church’s children’s ministry, traveling to cities to share the gospel with thousands. Yet, even during this time, the question still remained, “Who am I really as a daughter of God? And how can I steward myself to live a life of full and vibrant purity?”
In high school, this question sparked a personal decision not to date so that my heart could become more fully healed and so I could continue to understand God’s purpose for my heart and my sexuality. In August 2009, I moved to California and began attending Biola University. While things went beautifully the first couple of years, I suddenly began to sink into a deep depression as past hurts from my upbringing in an abusive and alcoholic home arose.
Desperate for comfort and aid, I quickly turned to food and deprecating thoughts about my body to cope with my hurtful past. It was during this time that my relationship with self-gratification and pornography caught like wildfire, and before I knew it, I was engaging in co-occurring addictions to remedy my pain and mental exhaustion. I felt so ashamed, especially for being a woman who struggled with this issue. After all, according to church statistics, it was strange that a woman would struggle with such a thing. Lonely and afraid, I continued to spiral out of control until I finally called out for help.
That semester, I made a brave yet tough decision to leave Biola, the school I loved and cherished, to be made whole. With the support of my friends and family, I moved back to Texas to enroll in a four-month outpatient program called Healing Choices that fostered a healthy community for addicts in all kinds of recovery while dealing with the painful roots and hang-ups that kept us bound. Offering group, individual and dialectical methods of therapy, the program began to expose my deepest wounds while offering support in Jesus Christ so that I could begin to see hope and achieve true freedom.
On month four, I returned to Biola University with the entire staff’s blessing to begin my new life in recovery. It was then that Covenant Eyes entered my life. Introduced by Rob Lister, my professor of Theology of Marriage & Family, Covenant Eyes was given to us as an assignment to aid in our individual journeys to purity. We could choose either to write a paper on an additional text or to enroll in Covenant Eyes and link up to an accountability partner. (I chose Covenant Eyes, of course!)
This software has become an extremely powerful tool in my recovery journey, so much so that I’m not quite sure what I would do without it. It has enlivened my passion for personal purity, to shine as a bright example to young women everywhere. I use the computer software and iPhone browser to keep my online searching and activity accountable.
After enrolling, I began meeting every week with my accountability partner to discuss my results, implement new strategies and update her on my progress. We discuss what it means to be a strong, young woman in a godly relationship and how we can inspire other young women to do the same. I realized that I was not alone, that I was no longer in the minority of women who struggled, and that there were other women just like me who felt the same shameful feelings and needed to be set free. As a result, my accountability partner began a women’s accountability group on campus that meets consistently every Thursday night. We go through a curriculum, check-in, share our hurts, habits and hang-ups, and recover together.
Covenant Eyes has propelled me farther in my journey to recovery than I ever thought I could go, and I am forever grateful. After experiencing the snares and toils of this world, and seeing the hope that a loving community can bring, I can now confidently say I truly believe that He is “making all things new…” (Revelation 21:5).
I can relate to this womans story. I was exposed at age 4 and i also came from a broken home. Thank you for your story!
I am married to my lovely wife and work as the student crisis counselor at a community college. Praise God He works beautiful things through our weaknesses. In confession our struggles we show that the power we have is from The Lord and not from us. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. He delights in redeeming us as He delighted in redeeming adulterous Israel. Thank you Paige for sharing your courage. What courage it took to choose to enter a recovery program. And what a difference that courage made! I know your strength in putting your story out here will bless so many other young women. Christ came to set the captives free, and what a glorious freedom it is to be in the grip of His grace. I rejoice to be a slave to Christ and that He will finish the good work He started in me. I pray Lord that I will remember daily to seek You because I truly need You daily and become selfish without You.
I run the risk of asking a dumb question, but what’s so great about an “accountability” partner, anyway? Now, I can see the value of a mentor for guiding a younger person, or a neophyte, in the way of virtue and so on. Take for instance, Paul’s admonition to Titus regarding personal morality and human relations within his congregation, specifically between older and younger women: “…They can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands…”.
I totally agree, man! ;) The point is that it presupposes, of course, those who know influencing those less knowledgeable / experienced.
But as for me, I just can’t seem to bring myself to ‘fess up to my buddy or to some dude about what’s most intimate about Yours Truly. (Maybe I’m just a very private individual.) Well, bottom line, I guess if it works for thee, hallelujah. I’m really happy for Paige and others – I really am – who have found sympathy, encouragement “and grace to help in time of need” with their accountability partners.
Cue “Lone Ranger theme” for me, though, until I am spiritually mature enough, or simply un-SELF-conscious enough, to countenance the following: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed”. Thank you, Lord, for those who have already found that healing.
Not a dumb question at all. It is a very good one.
The verse you quoted is a great place to start. We confess our sins to each other so that we may be healed (James 5:16). This verse follows on the heals of a discourse about the importance of calling the elders of the church to your side so they can anoint you with oil (the ancient equivalent of applying medical treatment), pray for you, and hear any sins that might need to be confessed (v.14-15). Then James switches subjects to speak of what we do for “one another”—not just elders or mentors to disciples, but church members for each other—telling us to confess our sins. I believe the implication is we in the church need to be practicing good “preventative medicine”: as we confess our sins and pray for each other on a regular basis, we are not waiting until we are struck some terrible physical, emotional, or spiritual malaise before we open up.
I’ve heard a few good definitions of accountability. A fairly basic definition is a willingness to give others an account about your temptations, sins, and the state of your heart. I think this is part of what accountability means. The flip side of accountability is about what you receive in return after confession: accountability is a willingness to let others remind you of who you really are and who you want to be. Accountability is not just about calling someone out on their sin but calling someone up to the person they are in Christ.
That is what makes accountability so great for so many: they have found genuine friends in the body of Christ who can graciously hear their confessions and then tell them, “Thank you for your honesty. I just want to remind you that this is not who you really are. This is just the sin your members waging war against you. You are a new creation in Christ, and there is no condemnation for you. You are forgiven and loved. Now, out of that position, how will you stand and fight this temptation next time?”
I talk about this extensively in my book, Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability.
Thanks, Luke. Much obliged for the explanation.
Having an accountability partner just gives you the ability to talk to some one who truely knows what you are going through and knows the struggles. My husband thought the same way until he gave it a try. Boy has it made a difference in our marriage, because I can not fully know what it is like. I am blessed to have covenant eyes in our lives.
Truly a wonderful article. Thanks for sharing this. God bless you and continue to give you His Holy Spirit as we walk in sexual purity.
Outstanding article, I am glad to read such positive results being shared. The program is definitely a blessing to so many, including myself.