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Defeat Lust & Pornography 6 minute read

Singleness and Longing: Why Porn Is Not the Cure

Last Updated: August 9, 2021

Valentine’s Day is still a few weeks away, but the seasonal items—the balloons, the teddy bears, the crummy candy in heart-shaped cardboard boxes—are already going up in the stores. Pretty strange, considering that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to the realization that the only people over the age of 25 who actually care about the holiday (besides greeting card producers) are singles. While many married couples only pay the holiday lip-service with an exchange of fairly small gifts, to singles it’s another spray of lemon juice in the paper cut of their ongoing loneliness: hence alternate names for the holiday, like Singles Awareness Day or Day Before Cheap Candy Day (a holiday we can all celebrate).

And so, a day meant to celebrate one of God’s gifts to humanity—romantic love—becomes an exercise in bitterness, and singles are left to retreat, to deal with their own overwhelming feelings of longing and the pain of exclusion.

Granted, many singles try not to feel this way. They—or their well-intentioned friends—try to remind themselves that they don’t need a relationship to be fulfilled. This is absolutely true. A person’s self worth is defined by their position in Christ, not whether or not they have a “plus-one.” But it also downplays the reality for most people: the desire for marriage and companionship is a God-ordained desire.

Longing, you see, is universal. As Genesis 2 illustrates, creation was incomplete until God created Eve to accompany Adam, a story which culminates in Genesis 2:24’s proclamation, “Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two become one flesh.” Elizabeth de Smaele, in her talk Holy Longing, points out that even our sexuality is Imago Dei, made in the image of a God who is relational and calls us into relationship. Marriage was created by God for humankind as a reflection of that longing, so of course, singles long for marriage. In Eden, mankind was whole. With sin came separation from our Creator and each other.

A Slippery Slope

Unfortunately, unless we recognize God as the fulfiller of our desires, we become obsessed with trying to fill the emptiness with other things. A photography student once explained, “We are forced to dance to the whip of our internal emptiness, be it spiritual, physical, mental, or sexual, and sometimes it makes us do strange or irrational things.”

For many this longing is transformed into lust and obsession. It often has its origins in innocent thoughts: “What would it be like to date that guy?” “She’s cute! I wonder if she’s seeing anyone.” But if you continue to feed those thoughts, they can rapidly degrade into sinful lust. Put it this way: if you started to be attracted to a nice, single Christian person, what would you do? Pray about her and seek opportunities to get to know her, regardless of any romantic outcome? Let your mind linger on what it would be like to share a home with him? Search for porn starring gals who look like her?

This is compounded when you realize that many singles find themselves locked in a cycle of “look, don’t touch.” Sometimes other singles disqualify themselves. One of my friends ranted that online, the theoretically-eligible bachelors in her area were named “Starfader,” “Smoochielips,” and “Roadblock.” Others may find themselves surrounded by people who, for one reason or another, are off-limits: “the one” is already in a relationship, or doesn’t share the same values, or rejects you when you ask her out (a man’s curse), or never thinks to ask you out in the first place (a woman’s curse).

When all you have are thoughts, it doesn’t take much to bump those thoughts from the pure to the sinful, for the normal desire for a relationship to become a fantasy for self fulfillment.

The Gray Havens, in their song “Sirens,” sing about the slippery slope this way:

One taste of the sound
Of the Sirens in the water
And I’m thinking I should get out
The sharpest sword and suit of armor
So I can be ready to strike
But I pause one more time
One last taste of the sound
Then I’ll cut these Sirens down.
But as they sang, I forgot
They were death, so I brought
Them my heart to be filled
And I followed them.

No trace could I find
Of any joy the Sirens promised
They had found a way with a lie
To turn what’s good and should be wanted
Into what’s highest above
All desires and love
‘Til my heart would obey
Whatever it wants, whatever it takes
To feel alive and set free
Only bound to the sea
Where the Sirens are leading me on…

In short? Once Satan has a foothold, he is going to do what he can to get you to continue taking steps toward sin.

As Christians, many of us know this intellectually; we’ve heard the injunctions against physical impurity all of our lives, but for those of us who are perpetually single, we feel like we’re being denied. Porn, then, becomes a stop-gap for a relationship, an attempt to find our places as sexual beings, to meet our longings.

In Delivered, Jessica Harris explains that, after accidentally stumbling onto porn, she kept returning to porn and erotic fiction to experience love and acceptance. At first, she says, it was repulsive; but on the other hand, the porn stars were doing what the cheerleaders at her school did in the back seats of cars; despite her Christian upbringing, she quickly equated sex with happiness.

Stephanie, who was caught up in pornography and erotic literature since childhood, took things one step farther. She said in Dirty Girls Come Clean:

I yearned to experience what I saw. I didn’t just crave the visual, I craved the physical. I was in my late twenties, still single, and angry at God because he hadn’t provided a husband to fulfill my desires. I decided it was time to start satisfying my cravings. And I became willing to do whatever it took to get it.

Eventually, still feeling depressed after two years of a double-life, Stephanie realized something: she realized she was still depressed, and, more importantly, she realized that even though she didn’t feel forgiven, Christ had something better for her.

A New Hope

So then, if porn isn’t the solution for singles, what is? There are two, and both are critical.

First, singles (and, indeed, everyone) need to refocus and find their hope not in other people, but in Christ. Partially, this means embracing those longings for oneness as a picture of the longing for Heaven. Tim Keller explains, “Through the Spirit we have a foretaste of the future, and the taste of our future love, and the taste of our future grace, and the taste of that future, now, radically frees us in this world from the things of this world.”

Lore Ferguson, writing for Christianity Today, explores the pain of longing as a benefit, saying,

“Those who have wrestled deep with their prolonged chastity have experienced something of earth’s groans in wait for her Creator. A friend recently confessed struggles of waiting sexually for her upcoming wedding day. I was able to tell her the hunger pangs of longing she feels for her fiancé are akin to the hunger pangs we feel when we’re fasting. Those pangs teach us we’re waiting for a better feast. For the one fasting, the feast isn’t the break-fast, and for the virgin, the feast isn’t the wedding night. The feast is the marriage supper of the Lamb and an eternity spent with him.”

For those looking for more day-to-day hope, God has listed a number of other promises in the Bible:

  • Our faith will be tested, but this testing will produce endurance, which produces character, which produces hope (James 1:3).
  • He who began a good work us will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6).
  • Nothing we do and nothing that is done to us can separate us from God’s amazing love (Romans 8:35-39).
  • Everything, whether pleasant or painful, works together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28). That especially includes our love life (or lack thereof).
  • God will not allow us to be tempted beyond our abilities, but He will always provide a way to escape it (1 Corinthians 10:13).

In practical terms, what does this mean for singles? It means that, as followers of Christ, we are followers of a faithful God, one who will never leave us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8). We may not know what next week will look like, whether we’ll finally meet “the one” or whether we’ll stay single forever, but we do know this: God is faithful, and our future is secure. And while that doesn’t give us license to sin (Romans 6:1-14), it does mean we do not have to worry about our future (Matthew 6:25-34). Like the feminists say, singles don’t need a romantic relationship for fulfillment—at least, not when we have Christ on our side.

There’s one other key component to coping with longings: finding community. This isn’t a secret code word for finding a mate, but rather, finding lasting friendships. There are innumerable benefits, but a core one for singles is finding mutual encouragement among other singles. In Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?, Carolyn McCulley explains,

I’m training myself that whenever I feel alone in a crowd, I should look around for someone else who may be feeling the same way–so that I may be used by God to extend grace and kindness instead of being consumed by my own feelings.

A single’s use of pornography—and the longings that lead to it—are often caused by an inward focus, a desire for personal fulfillment. By entering specifically into community, whether through a small group at church or a one-on-one strong friendship and accountability relationship (or ideally both), we are slowly drawn outward, away from our own sinful, selfish nature and into a fellowship that leads to growth and belonging.

  1. Guest

    Porn would be the answer when many of us men were very badly punished by God with singleness. Or should i say we were very extremely Cursed, by God. Either way.

  2. Michael Guernsey

    This is going to be an odd response I think, but I have been struggling with masterbation for years, I have quit the actual porn and haven’t watched it in like a year, but I still masterbate and no matter what I do, it has not gotten better.
    Porn has also destroyed my view of sex in marriage, making me hate it because I associate what God has made… with porn, so I see it as evil. I’ve been working on this, and am starting to get healing in this area.
    But now I am afraid that God will give me someone who doesn’t like sex. I hear the story about the girl who desperately wanted the physical relationship with a man like she saw in sex and I get terrified that that’s not going to be what my future wife will be like. I’m terrified that my marriage will be devoid of sexual intimacy. I’m afraid my wife won’t be like the bride who felt pangs of sexual desire for her husband that were hard to control. I refuse to ever have sex with my future wife unless she wants to. I also read in a book about recovering from sexual brokenness that in some cultures, there is an actual set of marital laws and 3 of them are:
    1. Sex is the woman’s right, not the man’s.
    2. Sex is only done when the woman wants it.
    3. You are only aloud to touch or preform sexual acts that are comfortable for the wife and put her first.
    (These are mostly paraphrased because I can’t remember the exact wording.)
    I firmly agree with these rules. But I am terrified now that God will give me a wife that doesn’t like sex. So it hurts and terrified me when I read about women who desire sex like the women in this post.

    Side note: I am in no way disagreeing with anything in this post, I’m just saying something about my personal fears.

    • Keith Rose

      Hi Michael! Praise God for your victory over porn. Keep fighting the battle against lust. Porn can have lasting effects on how we view sex, but God can heal you and restore your perspective on marriage as well. Sometimes we minimize how good sex is in the context of marriage (it is great!), but other times idolize it too much (other things are more important). 1 Corinthians 7 teaches that the husband and wife belong to each other, and God designed sex to be a gift to be given rather than a right to be demanded by either the husband or the wife. As a godly husband, you’re called to put your wife’s desires above your own and lay down your life for her. Sex is about bringing pleasure and gratification to another person rather than yourself. This is completely different from porn and masturbation!

      When I was single, I was afraid that God would give me someone I didn’t really love. Eventually, I realized this was because I doubted God’s goodness. It was also because I was so locked into worldly thinking about love that I failed to see that God’s design was much better. I don’t know what God’s plan is for you, but I know God is not going to give you a sexless marriage as punishment. God is able to do abundantly more than we ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20). He works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes (Rom. 8:28).

      It could mean that God will lead you into a marriage where sex is very difficult or even absent. That might be the way God sanctifies you and teaches you to love Him more. It might not. But don’t be afraid, because He is working things out for your good. Not just what you imagine is good, but what He knows is the best for you!

      God bless,

      Keith

  3. Erik Trusdell

    This is good info. However I think it’s important to remember that we as guys are supposed to lead and God isn’t going to do everything for use. Especially when it comes to relationships. You need to do some of the work and ask.

  4. Abcess

    In the words of Between Thieves, a band from years ago in a song called “Privately”, talking about internal struggles that are hard to talk about or even put into words…

    Privately, behind dull eyes a soul cries out in pain
    Quietly, behind the smile, the tears will fall like rain
    Alone is not a number, but a state of mind
    Surrounded by my friends, sometimes I’m hard to find
    And I run and I run and I run
    But I can’t get out of the rain
    And I run and I run and I run
    But I can’t get out of this pain
    With rituals and habits, I mask reality
    In silent desperation, I face my frailities
    It takes every ounce of strength to face this world’s demands
    But my heart is softly crying
    Someone please understand
    Refuge for my spirit, catch my silent tears
    Speak to my heart oh Father with worlds I cannot hear
    With words I cannot hear

    I totally empathize with this and after reading many of these posts I agree that it just “spiritualizing” the topic doesn’t help. I’m not married either. I have struggled with porneo-grahpos (from the Greek word roots). I was molested as a young kid. I had an affair with a married woman (who had her own share of problems). I’ve done about all of it. And, I have to get up everyday and just try to ‘breathe.’ And reading things like this, I used to get angry, but not anymore. I’ve come to the realization that God (YHWH) owes me nothing. Yes, the desires hurt and the hopelessness that seems to attend them hurt, but in the end God owes me absolutely nothing. I’m the one who owes God. I’m not over-spiritualizing here. I’m being practical. God doesn’t owe me help. God doesn’t owe me explanations. God doesn’t owe me answers. God doesn’t owe me satisfaction (I’ll find that in God I suppose). Now, if God gives me those things, well, awesome. It will help to a point. I think marriage does help people struggling with things like addictions (of any kinds), because two people helping to fight is better than one. I’m not saying it’s easier, just saying you can have regular help! (Not thinking just relieving sexual frustration…I mean, praying together, etc).

    As far as community goes. I sat in churches of various denominations for years and it was the same message about sex. They spent more time trying to sin-manage it then make it look like an Olympic Gold Medal you should be striving for. I agree, it’s not everything, but for those of us who have been alone, lonely, and rarely touched by the opposite gender, it is a start to seeing the physical blessing that represents the spiritual blessing. I feel for those of us who are alone, have waited, who cry ourselves to sleep, who find it hard not to scream at some romance commercial or eHarmony commercial. Just wanted to say I empathize with all of you out there. I’ve been there, am there, and possibly because of my consequences, will remain there until I die. And, sadly, I have to tell you, the pain you feel at this seeming loss, this absence…it will never get better. The secondary fight, to keep from being bitter, that will be a war on another front you’ll have to face. But I hope God meets you in the battle. On occasion I’ve sensed ‘him’ in mine, but often, no. Good luck.

  5. Josh

    I find this lesson very simple and as follower of the program here in covenant eyes, I find it refreshing to see a back to basics approach to treat the longing or desires that may lead to sexual immorality. The basics here are filling our longings with Christ and having healthy Christian fellowship. I filled up practical approach and details here but these two remain the goal.
    About “spiritualizing” this, I think we have to see that it is really more about spiritual not just physical. A good read would be how pornography and sexual immorality in terms of desire-reward affects the brain from some articles here, to see the physical aspect of it. And there are numerous techniques and detailed strategies that they teach here. But these are all details and the medicine is really our drive and thirst for purity that comes from the desire or hope in God (1John 3:3) – this is really spiritual. We have to work on our love for Jesus – that’s building our relationship with him. If we love someone so much we would not hurt his feelings even if we have to give up something that we really like.
    “You mean really giving up sex?” well I know it’s a hard idea to process but sex is not life, this is one lie that the article “6 reasons why porn is addictive” is debunking. God’s will is for us to be absolutely free of sexual immorality and even lust in marriage (Thes 4:3-4; Eph 5:3-4). Reading more on how brain works with sexual immorality, the science behind porn, makes this picture of “sex free” life a possibility. But to endure and even start a the transformation really calls for a much stronger drive to love and honor God.
    When God said it is not good for man to be alone – he didn’t say, he needs a sexual partner or someone to procreate, rather a helper or companion. So that’s why Paul wrote that we should not give up habit it of meeting together and encouraging one another (Heb10:24-25). Now from here you may also draw techniques from accountability partners, going to seminars and counselling, Bible study and cell groups, to sports and athletic fellowships to divert our need to connect to people from sinful kinds of connections limited to married people.
    Thanks for this article, it reminds me of our main motivation to fight for purity.

  6. Jon Evan

    The verse in Genesis 2:18 is important to understand. It comes before there was a person called Adam. There was just “the man” ‘adam’ with a small ‘a’ in Hebrew: human being. What follows is interesting because of the words “not good”. It is not good for the human to be alone because Yahweh was/is not alone but describes Himself to people as “us” or “we” as in Genesis 1:26. Now, this condition of being alone is simply incomplete and needs completion. What follows in Genesis 2:18 is that Yahweh creates “a companion” who will “help him” NLT. What is important is that the second part of Genesis 2:18 does not promise that the “companion” will end the man’s aloneness. It can’t! In marriage the man still finds himself alone. For example, no matter how hard he tries to describe to his wife a sunset he experienced one day she won’t completely get it. How could she? She doesn’t have access into the man’s soul to completely understand him. That is reserved only for God who understands completely. She is her own soul who thinks and sees the world differently and simply adds to his reality but does not see it the same. The woman provides companionship and is a helper who adds to his reality what she sees differently. So, even in marriage being alone is reality and it too is “not good”. Realize that if marriage solved aloneness then people like Paul and Jesus Himself have something which is “not good”. This cannot be. In fact, Jesus declares in John 16:32 that “I am not alone, for my Father is with me.” What ends our own aloneness is what Jesus declares in John 14:23 “we will come to them and make our home with them.’
    It is the “we” which ends aloneness beginning now and finding completion in Heaven where you will not find marriage because it will not be necessary!

  7. Bill Grove

    After reading the article and the replys it is hard for me not to say that some of these replys point to selfishness in themselves as the I am instead of pointing themselves to the real I Am! Without Christ I am nothing!

  8. Paul

    I think this is a very perceptive and helpful article, thank you.

  9. Angel

    Thanks. I have told my mother about this. She is also Christian, and she has told me to not view pornography anymore. It was embarrassing and hard for me to tell her this when she asked me what my addictions were and I mentioned pornography as one of them, but then I felt relieved because I had told her the truth. I have also told a close friend of mine (who is also Christian) about this addiction I have had, and he told me he is not perfect either and that he has also viewed pornography before but that he has discipline to not view it as a person who would be addicted to it would view it. I will do my best to memorize those Bible verses, and I will consider installing or using Internet Accountability software as soon as possible and ask my friend or someone else that may be able to help me with this, once I mention my struggle to him or her, to be my accountability partner.

    • Lisa Eldred

      Good plan.

      As a word of caution, you might want to think twice before asking the friend you mentioned to hold you accountable (or at least, have someone else hold you accountable as well). I’m basing this only off what you’ve said here, but the “discipline not to view it as a person who would be addicted to it would view it” line implies that he doesn’t see porn as all that big of a deal. Does that mean he “only” binges once a month? Limits himself to 10 minutes a week? What? To paraphrase Michael Leahy, author of Porn University, “Is it okay to beat my wife as long as I only beat her once a month?”

      All of that to say, I think you’ve got the right attitude in seeking help and trying to break entirely free. And I don’t actually know what’s going on in your friend’s heart. But if you talk to someone who has the attitude that occasional porn use is okay as long as you don’t get addicted, you should probably look elsewhere for an accountability partner.

    • Angel L. Galvan

      I agree with you in that I should think twice before asking my friend, whom I mentioned, to hold me accountable and ask some else (who may be against viewing pornography altogether) instead. Good question. I am not sure exactly what he meant by that since I did not ask him how often he views pornography, if he has not stopped viewing it, but I am assuming he only views pornography every once in a while. Thank you for telling me that. It is not easy for me to do this, but I am willing to do everything that I can (with the help of the Lord and my family and friends) to stop viewing pornography and to stop masturbating as well since it has been hard for me to do it without lusting.

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