Coming Clean

Coming Clean Ebook Cover

It’s easy for accountability relationships to fail. Learn how to get it right. Take your Accountability partnership to the next level. Read Coming Clean and introduce it to your Accountability Partner.

11 thoughts on “When Porn is on the Report: 8 Steps for Accountability Partners

  1. thanks guys for being the eye on my computer. i confess i still look for the flesh online and am always fighting the fight. my job requires a lot of computer usage so the temptation to look under the covers is always there. i go like others i’m sure, long periods of giving in to temptation then get a grip and stay away….. well iregardless you guys help greatly….you all are on all our computers and iphones
    YHWH bless you greatly!

    • Hi Mike,

      I would first recommend a husband seek counseling for this matter. Go to local church leadership and see what they have to say about this. These sort of difficult decisions should be made surrounded by the best possible guidance and timely wisdom.

      We have tons of information on our site about this topic, written for both men and women. I recommend you visit our “Struggling?” page for wives.

  2. It was encouraging to read Josh and Serena’s testimonial. I have been able to have the BLOCKING FILTER for Mac’s installed from Covenant Eyes about a month ago. My accountability partner and I are both encouraged as is my WIFE!

    Saved by the Grace of God from the Black Hole of Porn!

  3. Very encouraging. What if the wie doesn’t like sex. She has admitted that she can go for a month or more without sex. I on the other hand prefer atleast weekly… What’s the solution, coz we’ve seen counsellors and talked but nothing seems to change…

    • Hi John. This is not at uncommon, even for those whom porn is not a pastime. Ultimately this will involve change in both of you. She needs to embrace an understanding about what intimacy in marriage is for and how vitally important it is (note: intimacy and sex are not the same thing, but in marriage they are intertwined and inseparable). You, likewise, need to work at understanding the heart of your wife, learning to engage in intimacy with her in sexual and non-sexual ways as she grows in her understanding of sexuality.

      Here are some articles you might benefit from:
      Husband Struggle with Porn? 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Sex Life
      Don’t Ignore Your Marriage After Sexual Addiction is Discovered
      Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy With Your Spouse (Book Review)

      One great book I’ve really benefited from is Sacred Sex.

    • I understand where you are coming from as I have a similar experience. My wife of 22 years has never had the interest level I have had, and about 8 years ago her interested dropped to zero. About 15 years ago I turned to porn for “help.”

      I have tried on many occasions to quit, but I have always failed. It was not until I realized that my wife’s interest level had nothing to do with my sin that I truly began winning the battle with porn. We are drawn away of our own lusts (James 1:14-15), are fighting a spiritual not physical battle (Eph. 6:12) and are responsible for our own sin (Rom. 14:12). When I mentally separated her interest from my sin and started to truly seek Him, magical things began to happen. Her zero interest started blossoming!

      My wife knew I was viewing porn though I thought it was a secret. She didn’t know what to do, so she kept quiet. This killed any desire she had. When I praised her beauty, she didn’t believe me because I had to have all my other women. When we did make love, she felt like one of a harem. She didn’t see it as love making; she saw it as servicing me. That stole any joy she might have received.

      Another change I have made is to daily thank God and my wife for her many wonderful attributes. It is easy to focus on that one thing you are missing. I thank God every day for her beauty, kindness, forgiving heart, strength, godly example, strong character, listening ear and wise counsel. I dwell on those things. Make your own list of genuinely wonderful things about your wife, and then thank God for them. Praise her for them. As I am denying myself, my praises no longer fall on deaf ears. She is believing them, and that is increasing her interest.

      We have also begun seeking genuine non-sexual intimacy. Every night we embrace, share burdens and struggles from the day, share concerns for tomorrow, and then pray for each other. Praying together for each other has brought us so much closer together as a couple. We make kid-free time for uninterrupted conversation. We walk and hold hands. We spend time in non-demanding kissing, hugging, nuzzling and snuggling. We both absolutely love the attention we receive from the other. All this goes a long way toward eliminating the rejection feelings I had been experiencing. It gives me the strength to wait until she’s ready, and it has stirred in her a desire for me I didn’t think she had.

      I also did not realize how porn was affecting every area of my life. My wife says I’m more thoughtful, compassionate, caring, loving, giving, patience with her and the kids, selfless and contented. I have made no specific effort to improve in any of these areas. It simply seems to be a by-product of denying myself the instant gratification of porn.

      As I deny myself, seek God and give my wife unconditional love, her interest has steadily risen from zero to a level I did not think possible. She recently said to me, “I feel like I have a new husband.” You may find, as I have, that she is not the problem. I was the problem. I recently joked with her, “If your interest level continues to rise as it has, I won’t be able to keep up with you!”

      I encourage you to take the Covenant Eyes 40-Day Porn Free Challenge. It has been such a blessing and encouragement. Along with God’s grace, my loving wife and wonderful friends, the challenge has given me strength to do right.

  4. Hi John, please try something that has become very soecial to myself and wife? Take time to offer a full body massage to your spouse using oils preferably ! Despite the aching arms and thumbs be persistent work at it? And your dear wife will so look forward to this offer if given in the correct context and this leads to a much more loving and embracing time if you follow me ( not wanting to be to open) yes this is the most enjoyable thing for any lady of or lives it relaxes and removes stress and stress is the biggest turn off for most women? So be patient and work hard the rewards are incredible , remember we are here to serve and please each other leading to delights if our Lord in marriage! Yours in Christ tony

  5. Covenant Eyes has been a God send for me. Internet porn was destroying my family and marriage. We heard Paul Speed tell his testimony @ a WIT marriage conference, (It stands for Whatever It Takes) the first time I ever heard a couple speak openly about porn & masturbation and how it destroys relationships. It was the beginning of restoring our marriage and family. My wife and I serve whenever possible w/ witministries to help other couples find freedom & restoration of their marriages. We always recommend Covenant Eyes.

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