Help Others Restore Integrity J Chad Barrett
Help Others Restore Integrity 3 minute read

Caught and Expelled for Sexual Sin: Is this What the Church Should Do?

Last Updated: October 28, 2020

Mark is an incredibly gifted man. So talented, he was once the worship pastor of a large church in the South. Extremely creative and energizing. Living the dream. Reaching his goals. And hiding a massive secret.

Until he got caught.

The church leadership found out of Mark’s secret life of sex addiction. His wife and two kids were horrified. But what hurt the most was when his spiritual leaders told him and his family they were not to return to their church.

70% of Christian, church-going men view Internet porn each week. I wonder how many of the men in Mark’s church saw how he was treated with his sin. I wonder how many of them are now determined that they will never, ever tell anyone in their church their secret, although they know very well they need help desperately.

I’ve talked with church leaders who have been ambushed by the situation of a brother within their congregation who fell morally. It is painful—especially when that brother was one of the leaders. There’s insomnia, lack of appetite, depression, and a strong desire to protect the congregation from feeling what they are feeling. I’ve never been in their shoes, and I hope never to be. It is, indeed, torture, but God has a plan for situations like this.

Unfortunately, the congregation does find out, and the truth is usually twisted and turned and mutilated way beyond what really happened.

This is one reason men keep their secrets. I’ve counseled dozens of men who have told me that they would never tell anyone in their church about their problem with porn addiction, or else they would immediately be ousted for good.

So what should a church do when one is caught in sin? I see an answer in Galatians 6:1-2,

Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (NKJV)

“Overtaken” literally means to be caught red-handed. Paul is writing to the church in Galatia, and he tells certain ones what they should do, how they should do it, and why they should do it.

Paul is not writing to just anyone in this verse, but only to those who are spiritual. Those are the ones who are walking by the Spirit (5:16). Though he is not, specifically, writing to church leaders, “those who are spiritual” very well could be.

Then he tells the spiritual ones what they should do: restore. He doesn’t jump to excommunication. He doesn’t tell them to hide anything from the rest of the church. He says to restore, and then he tells them how.

Have you ever broken a bone? I have. The doctor sets the broken bones so gently and precisely. This is the same idea in this word restore. Restoring a sinning brother must be done gently, not arrogantly. Precisely, not carelessly. When it comes to confrontation, counseling, and discipling/mentoring, gentle precision is a must.

What helps a spiritual person restore a sinning brother gently and precisely? A consideration of himself. None of us are immune to any kind of sin. We could all stumble and fall in any point of pride.

And then Paul tells them to bear one another’s burdens. That means to stand up underneath the heavy load of the brother who can’t stand alone. In doing so, the spiritual one is fulfilling the law of Christ. And what is this law? John 13:34, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another…”

When a man sees his church’s spiritual leaders surround a sinning brother with love, care, and direction, would he not be motivated to seek the same help? When those who are spiritual seek to restore the brother caught in sexual sin, could not a revival break out with others coming forth with the desperate desire to be delivered from the power of their sin?

Many men have told me that they wanted to be caught. They were so tired of hiding and covering and lying and deceiving. The men in your church who are struggling want help. Where should they go?

Your church can be a place of healing and hope for Christians who have fallen into sexual sin. It takes hard work, but God’s plan works. It just works. Follow it, and you will see.


J. Chad Barrett is the author of Journey to Freedom, a book for guys about the beauty of biblical fellowship and its impact on the typical struggles men have. Chad is the Director of Child Evangelism Fellowship of Greater Houston where his team currently reaches 10,000 children each year with the gospel. He lives with his wife Melissa and 4 children in Houston.

 

 

  1. Carlotta

    I have searched and searched for articles, books, and sermons that speaks about the one who discloses the secret sin to the elders in the church. I saw a pattern with the pastor, with myself falling into his pattern, and when I was adamant that I would not live that life of sin, he dumped me very quickly, he had already started talking to another woman. He was a divorced pastor so he was free to date, but not remarry and my dad is also a pastor. I know they are held to a higher standard. We started a Celebrate Recovery ministry together and we were certified in two online courses by Steve arterburn and he shared with me about his 5 year porno addiction, his grandfather a child molester and his father who was also a minister had his own stash of magazines in which the minister I’m sharing about found at age 16. So knowing that counseling for sexual addiction is necessary, I asked him to please get counseling, told him of a pastor in another county who counsels with pastor sleep struggling with sexual integrity and his response was simply “thanks for your concern” and that was that. He managed to manipulate some involved in Celebrate Recovery so that I was cut out of a ministry I loved with a passion and he continues to lead a recovery ministry but chose not to seek help for himself. He had lied to me for months about an affair he had with a young lady in the church. She was half his age with 3 children. She came to the church after developing a friendship with him. He did share the affair with me but said it only happened a few times within a couple of months. Things kept coming up with communication on Facebook between the two and she was still attending the church, And the entire time I thought she had a lot of courage to continue their friendship and continue coming to the church after he ended with her and was in a relationship with me, but she had not ended it, and had been seeing me for 4 months before he told her about being in a relationship with me. So I was able to message with her and she said they had been having an affair for 4 years and very specific. I stayed with him, even after learning of this because we were starting Celebrate Recovery and I thought it was Gods will.
    So after I told him of my concern of him standing in the pulpit Sunday after Sunday and knowing broken women desired his attention and would come to him for counseling AND being the leader of a Recovery ministry for broken people, it seemed a great danger for those who were captivated by his charisma and bight smile and warm welcome. Narcissistic characteristics in some ways.
    So I revealed his secret to the deacons. He did resign but said he had shared some things about his past with me and I betrayed his trust and he didn’t want to hurt the church so he was resigning.
    He hasn’t taken responsibility, but instead is the victim of my behavior.
    So I’m second guessing if I did the right thing. The church is attacking me.

  2. Diane

    I skimmed through the comments and replies and want to know opinions of the churches role in restoration of the sexual immortal brother (pornography, adultery, life-long habit of lying, etc, when the brother is not willing to admit his sin but instead continues to be caught in many lies. Howshould the church leaders respond and what should members be told by leadership? The unrepentant brother can be in ministry or not.

  3. Shimona

    I have been a member of my church for some years and recieved salvation through the church preaching christ to me. The church believes strongly in discipline. I myself was masturbating and taken out of ministry for a number of months for it. U dont really get counselled jus prayed over to get delivered n in a room where others are metres away, but my consciense told me to confess esp when i knew there were parricular standards for ministry. Recently my boyfriend and i messed up and were sexually immoral, although no intercourse took place, we did other things. I knew id have to tell the pastor as there were consequences. We told him the story the next day and he didnt counsel us or anything just said to leave it with him and a few days later took us into the church with another brother present and told us we had to cease all contact with the church and also each other for the next 3 months. Then we left. Discipline is necessary but we repented and felt so bad that we told the pastor. No counselling or restoration, thats for us to figure out but hopefully other churches will help me with the issues. There are people in church doing worse but cause theyre considered newer and not as committted as us and also they wont even tell the pastor anyway, theres no consequence for them in terms of excommunication. Our church preaches sin and repentance, also Gods grace but its biblical except for how the discipline is done. There needs to b more love. And i cant have any contact with my boyfriend but we both decided we gonna honor God, do our time, get married then see how it goes. He will b a pastor one day n can learn from the mistakea of others. God will hold the church accountable for their dealings anyway.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Shimona, Thanks for being so honest. I’m so, so sorry that your experience with your church has been so difficult. God will definitely hold them accountable for their choices. I think that many churches have trouble dealing with sexuality in a healthy way, which is so unfortunate. I do hope that you find counsel and help as you walk through this. I hope you have friends and family who are aware of what’s happened, and can support you through it? I would call this spiritual abuse, myself, when a group of spiritual leaders uses their power to shame and harm others, rather than for healing and grace. Jeff VanVonderen has written a wonderful book called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse that you might find helpful. There definitely needs to be more love! You are so right!

  4. Jerome Minor

    “Christians/saints/believers don’t sin! We do, we have and God knows we might again but that’s his will.”

    I forgot to put not in there. not his will!!!

  5. Jerome Minor

    I know there’s a lot of viewpoints, angles and people to consider in such a matter as uncovered sexual sin. Its not an easy or simple process to get through, emotionally or psychologically, but spiritually, if the church were in the place of the calling God has placed on us we could handle both the temptation and the healing process of restoration. If we really want to do what Jesus did, say where are thine accusers who are without sin? and when none can condemn let the church say neither do I condemn you , “BUT” go and sin no more. Jesus also told the disciples if thy brother offend thee in a day 7 times 70 forgive him.

    It’s amazing that with all the churches and ministries growing, expanding, buying selling, building, and planting that the area we lack the most, are deficient the most and need the most is in our spiritual growth of truly becoming like Christ.

    If that was what the church body over generations had been building ( preaching Ephe 4:12-13) we would have much less of these struggles, on either side when it comes to dealing with sin. ) Perfecting the saints means, we are born again, believers, children of God who still need to learn to bring our complete being under submission to the will of God especially regarding holiness. The preaching is suppose to bring us to a perfect man unto the full stature of the measure of Jesus Christ. So it’s not a leader’s fault, a member’s fault or a wounded spouse or disappointed congregation. It’s the incomplete gospel that has permeated throughout the whole world. Christians/saints/believers don’t sin! We do, we have and God knows we might again but that’s his will. So our preaching needs to focus on how to stand in the liberty…how to resist the devil…how to overcome evil with good,…how to walk in the spirit and not obey the lust of the flesh….for the most part the church after all these years after penTecost is showing very little spiritual maturity and what if JESUS WERE TO COME BACK TODAY?

    Jesus dealt with sin, the apostles dealt with sin, but the general church today seems to be mystified when it comes to handling sin among the church, we don’t seem to know if they ( offender) are or were ever saved, did they really repent, are they really sorry, they should have never been up in the first place, some want to put them out, others want to leave themselves, not realizing the only true church you can find is the church Christ built upon a rock, no matter where the fellowship meets.

    The bible says the spirit makes intercession for the saints, Jesus makes intecession for them who he can/will save to the uttermost. If the church want to cut off those overtaken in a fault, then we can forget about ever reaching sinners who have never been saved.

    I will close this post sorry for the length.

    I have suffered a strong and lasting battle with pornography and many sexual sins beyond just looking a magazines, videos, internet, 900 phone calls, and video parlors. I have carried out just about everything I ever saw,.. in the flesh.
    I am separated and facing divorce, possibly losing a second newly built home, and one thing I’ve thought was with all these church folks around me, who of them could I have really of gone to. So now God has brought to me people hooked on drugs, labeled alcoholics, sex struggles and the first two things I deal with is you are/were wrong,.. God loves you and has made a way for you to be free.

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