About Ashley Weis

Ashley Weis

Ashley Weis is a wife and mother who has a pain-filled past that no longer haunts her. After discovering her husband’s pornography addiction she thought she’d never heal, much less have a “good” marriage again. God has shown her that without rain, beauty never grows. Now, with a beautiful marriage and a heart that knows the radiance of hope, Ashley reaches out to other women through books about recovering from pornography.

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Hope After Porn

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

125 thoughts on “The Sting of Betrayal: When Your Husband Looks at Porn

  1. Such truth. Thank you for your encouraging post. Though I am past the deep pain of betrayal, and though my husband now lives a God-fearing and faithful life, I remember so clearly the way God held me as I wept every day for years. He truly is the God of all comfort. I would never have made it through without Him!

    Praise God!

  2. Where do I start?
    My first husband coerced me into premarital sex and pornography as a ‘normal’ part of marriage.
    My second, current, husband of 18 years, also expects pornography to be considered normal and ok by me.
    I have always felt betrayed by my man looking at other women, but was too timid to speak up, so I went along with it.
    My current husband and i haven’t had sex in 5 or 6 months. It’s been easier to avoid. I have long felt like his dirty prostitute whenever we have sex.
    I’m ready to request that pornography leave this marriage entirely, but don’t even know how to start.
    We have a 8 year old child and basically keep the image of a loving family for her, and want to find a way to give me what I want and have his heart change whitout resorting to ultimatums (for her sake),but I am hurting and he doesn’t care one bit.
    Any advice is appreciated.

    • Mary Jane, my heart hurts for you. I will be praying for you. For me, prayer and fasting has been a tremendous power in changing my marriage and relationship with my husband, and helping heal his addiction to porn. When you fast, read Isaiah 58. God wants to let the oppressed go free, and He can break every yoke of bondage. Commit it to God, and don’t try to carry the load alone. Each morning say, “God, I commit my husband to YOU to change.” Pray, pray, pray. And wait patiently. Seek out a mentor for advice and encouragement. Pray scripture verses for your husband.(Eph.1:17-19, Rom.8:6, Prov.3:5-6, Col.1:9-12, Ps.19:14, 1 Cor.10:13). Pray hedges of protection around his mind and thought life. Ask God to prevent him from viewing pornography. And finally, God is able to do EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY above all we could ask or think. May God bless you, dear sister!!

    • Mary Jane,

      First, I commend you for taking a stand and being honest about your own insecurities that led you to participate in the past. Praise be to God that the past can be the past as we come to Him and repent. Repentance is asking for forgiveness and then turning away from sin. Being a wife who is walking this path now I would say to first go to your heavenly Father and repent. He will give you the strength to stand at this time although it will not be easy. Jesus died on the cross and rose again to give us this power. Get into scripture every day and as the other post said pray and fast. Prayer is powerful!

      After reading so much information about porn addiction from the leading programs directed to men and to the spouse I have the following to offer. Get informed about the addiction by reading information. P. Carnes, Focus on the Family, Partners for Purity are all great resources as well as many books. Give your husband your testimony and what you desire out of him as a husband. Stay away from blame as this is a shameful sin and addiction. As difficult as it is you need to show your husband respect at this time as you deal with the issue. In Ephesians we are called to respect our husbands and that is unconditional, not if he deserves it. It is God’s command to respect him as his role just as he is to love the wife unconditionally not if he feels it. Read up on respect before approaching him. Here is a great website to start and I have read her book.

      As many men who lead recovery programs have said, men will be motivated to be sober by their love for their wife, but fear is what will cause them to get serious about change. If he shows no signs of willingness to get sober, I would prayfully consider a seperation which is biblical and as many men have said it will get the addicts attention to make a change. Sometimes that is what it takes. Again, prayfully consider that. You can reinforc your love, your commitment but you need time to work on yourself and to give him time to make some choices. He is responsbile for his sobriety and this battle. You can be a strong influence for good, but you cannot control it. You must turn him over to God and ask God to strengthen you. Realize you cannot control him or make him stop. The best thing you can do is give him over to God to be dealt with. God is amazing. He knows your pain and He desires more than you even for your husband to be free. He is in a strong hold right now and this is a spiritual battle as the enemy has sold him a counterfeit. Prayer will do amazing things as you allow God to work in you both. Also, praise God even through the trial. Priase Him for who He is, that He is sovereign, that He is our creator and redeemer. As Paul says, praise Him in all situtations. God has a work to do you in you through this too. A marriage tested comes out stronger than before so keep the goal in mind.

      I will keep you in my prayers.

      Love in Christ,
      Lilly

  3. Dearest Mary Jane, I can only imagine the devastation this is causing you. I don’t think an ultimatum is necessary. Your husband can make his won decisions and mistakes, but honesty on your part is needed. He really isn’t in a position to choose you or pornography if you have pretended to be okay with it. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, I would just let him know how you feel, honestly. How hurt this has made you. How your previous husband wounded you with the same arrows. What he chooses to do after he knows the truth of your heart is up to him — he can choose selfishness or selflessness. He can choose to love you more than himself and seek God, or he can choose to run from God and truth and love himself more. But this has to be his own decision so that he can take full credit for his mistakes and triumphs without being able to blame you for his mistakes. I really think it’s time that honesty is spoken from your lips, as hard as it may be to finally free those hurts. It won’t be easy and I can’t say whether or not he will respond with love, but love is honest and you have to start there. I’ll be praying for you. That your daughter will see true love in her mommy no matter what the outcome is here. That your heart will be healed regardless of your husbands actions. That your husband’s heart will rediscover the meaning of love and purity. And that your marriage will find the beauty it’s been longing for.

    • @Ashley – Well said. It always starts with honesty. Amazingly powerful things happen when truth is brought into the physical realm via the spoken word or the written word. #1) It becomes tangible! In other words, it can never be covered up or denied again. #2 It brings peace in your heart. #3) It becomes hard evidence that is boisterous, like the ‘elephant in the room,’ pretty soon it must be dealt with because it keeps on knocking things over and being bumped into. #4) It gives fear of man a fatal punch. #5) It keeps you from continuing walking in darkness, which will keep you from being open, honest, and transparent. #5) It puts you right in the center of God’s will. #6) It brings freedom. #7) It starts true healing.

      @Mary JaneRemember, you cannot complain about what you refuse to fight against. You can only be controlled by what you fear. You are responsible for the truth and discernment that has been given to you. You have a right and an obligation to stand on Truth. Do so and Truth will stand with you. Trust Jesus and appropriate God’s Word with NO COMPROMISE!

      Also an absolutely MUST read is, “When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart” by Kathy Gallagher, wife of Steve Gallagher, founder of Pure Life Ministries. By the way, a phenomenal place for strength is purelifeministries.org.

  4. Ashely and David,
    Your replies are so great and helpful.
    You both articulated the honest-to-goodness truth about what I need to do and why I need to do it.
    Please continue to pray fervently daily for me.
    My 45th birthday is coming up on Nov 02 and for me it’s going to be a turning point in my life (like some people think of 50).
    I am petrified to stand up to such a strong personality as my husband.
    But I will, for all the reasons I must. Just as you both stated so eloquently.
    My husband is the king of self-centeredness and he is also anti-religion.
    Still, the Holy Spirit can guide me as to be totally honest, yet gentle at the same time.
    I want to finally stop fearing man and it’s apparently going to take a big giant leap to get me there…no baby steps for me I guess. Just as well.
    I plan to ask him for 3 things that he totally opposes. First, to get his prior marriage formally annuled so that if the occasion arised for us to renew our vows, perhaps on our 20th anniversary, then the abilty to do it in the Church will be there. Secondly for him to give up pornography 100% because a husband should not look at other women and should keep his eyes and heart only for his wife. Thirdly, I’m going to ask him to stop masturbating alone. His body should also be only for me and mine only for him.
    Please, please , please pray hard for me to see the way to voice my opinions about these 3 things gently but fully honestly without bending to his opposition. I am so nervous.
    Mary Jane

    • @Mary Jane – My wife Kim and I will continue to pray the Lord flood you and your husband with need-fulfilling mercies in super-abundance. There is a Mercy Me song we love to sing that you may really like. It’s called, “Hold Fast (Help is on the Way).”
      Blessings

  5. Thank you for sharing. I am coming out of this. There is hope, healing and strength in Christ and Christ alone. Without Him, I don’t believe we can ever have healing or peace. He will give you the strength to not be hard, bitter and angry. Praying His healing on all our wounds. AMEN.

  6. I think that what I am about to go through is the whole reason God led me back to the church.
    My husband and I have made some very bad decisions during our married life and it’s time for that to change.
    We have hurt each other inadvertently, yet deeply.
    Now I must be strong yet gentle as I claime autonomy over my body and allow no human to sway me from what is right. He’ll be quite upset that his ‘gone religious’ wife is now doing exactly what he angrily warned me against, namely ‘getting brainwashed by perverted notions.
    He fiercly believes that life should be a free for all mostly.
    I’m sure he would want our daughter to remain pure until marriage, but he hold a different standard for himself and therefore for me.
    I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide my timeing, my actions, and my words.
    In many ways it seems that I’m about to face Satan himself squarely in the eye.
    I’m praying hard for courage. He likes to dominate and displayes no caring nothing about my feelings. As long as I’m his ‘yes man’, things are smooth and rosy, happy and peaceful.
    I’ll put on the armor of God and wait for the hurricaine to pass. Once he has exploded and vented, perhaps then God will work on him.
    Please, please keep praying for me…the next couple of weeks shall be really rough very soon.

    All your advice is so wise and sound. Thank you all!

  7. @Mary Jane – You are being blanketed with prayer. Every bit of this is God’s will. And God’s will cannot be thwarted by any devil, flesh, or worldly doctrine!

    “It is accomplished.” -Jesus

  8. Hi Mary Jane I was trying to read all the responses to your initial post but tears cloud my eyes. I would suggest, if you haven’t already done so, that you visit settingcaptivesfree.com. I am presently enrolled in their free 60day course A United Front for wives of husbands with sexual addiction and they also have Way of Purity for husbands addicted to porn etc. I will keep you in prayer

  9. I am praying for you, Mary Jane. As well as all women who bear the scars of sexual impurity in their marriage.

    God bless you, Ashley, for your article and your book; it’s a measure of God’s grace to let us know we are not alone. I still struggle, not so much with the initial shock of the betrayal in my marriage, but with my unwillingness to be tested by this fire. Even though I know, intellectually, that Hosea was, according to God, instructed to marry Gomer who was unfaithful to him, I often see the unjust nature of it all rather than God using Hosea to illustrate the faithfulness of God. My own sins are countless, especially where “fairness” and self-righteousness are concerned.

    Us wives are beacons really — for those who remain in our marriages and seek to live in peace, forgiving the offenses and maintaining a love for our husbands — a beacon of Christ’s love. I can honestly say that I no longer trust my husband and since it’s been many years now, I don’t see how trust can be rebuilt. I do have a love for him, though, because he is created in the image of God — and the love, honor and respect I show for him comes only from God’s grace. I have none of my own to give.

    Please pray for me, too — that God would bring peace to my soul and destroy the longing of my heart to be with an honorable man.

    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” — Kahlil Gibran

  10. This article brought me to tears. You described exactly how I feel. I found out that my husband was addicted to pornography after only 3 months of marriage. We went to counseling, installed covenant eyes and I assumed (incorrectly) that it was behind us.

    Not so when I woke up Saturday morning to an e-mail from CE listing all of the explicit sites my husband had visited the previous night. He woke up and confessed that he knew that I would find out because of the accountability tool but at the time just didn’t care.
    It had been more than 3 years since he had looked at anything even questionable.

    Where do I go from here? He is commited to doing whatever it takes to keep me (his words) but I dont know how I will ever trust him again. I had just begun trusting him, 3 yrs after the last time and this felt even worse. to ake it more awful, because of the accountability report, I was forced to see exactly what sites he went to.

    I love my husband but I don’t know what to do now..

    • Hi i just wanted to touch base with what has happened in the last few months with my family. Yesterday my husband told me for the first time in 5 years, of what i thought to be a happy marriage, that he has been watching porn when i wasnt around. I dont want this comment to be too long but at times i feel worthless and i cant stop crying. I dont want my kids to have to see me like this.

  11. yes my name is catherine, i have been married to my husband for 5 years and have 3 babies by him. Recently my husband has been into watching porn and when i confront him about it he denies it and gets upset with me and yells at me. I tried to confront him today and felt bad for doing it. Usually i would know what to do in a situation like this but he is so active in church and talks about God so much that it makes me feel like i am wrong. I know for a fact hes looking it up and i cant stop hurting over it im so sad and i dont want to keep going on like this.

    • hello beautiful catherine … i know it’s painful. especially when you have babies together and he won’t admit to what you know is the truth. there’s so much more i’d love to talk to you about … if you want to email me feel free.

  12. Thank you so much for responding to my comment. I was just wondering what your email address is . I would love to talk to someone.

  13. Ashley,

    Thank you for this post. I have been married for 5 years and have 3 beautiful children. This month marks a full year since I discovered my husband had been looking at porn. The computer history showed that it had only been for three months, but who really knows.

    It is true what you say about turning to God. He really is the only one who can make things better. The past 4 days have been really bad for me. I’ve been crying constantly and uncontrollably. I never know when it’s going to be bad again. It’ll be good for a week and then bad for a week. Nothing my husband or anybody else says can make it better, because nothing they say can change the fact that it happened. God doesn’t stop my tears, but he allows me to gain enough strengh to get up and be the mother, person and wife that he blessed me to be.

    When I was younger, I believed that people weren’t perfect, but that LOVE was. After this, I realize that human love is just as imperfect as the human. The only love that is perfect is that of God. I wish i had known this when I entered marriage.

    I keep waiting for this horrible feeling of worthlessness and ugliness to go away. I try to read Proverbs 31 when I feel this way, and it seems to help a little bit.

    Anyway, I find myself hating the world, all men, the media, girls in tight revealing clothing….and pretty much 99% of images that are forcefed into our minds everyday that are sexually tempting.

    The thing is that I am in great shape after having 3 kids and have men hit on me quite a bit. This just goes to show that there is nothing you can do. There is nothing a wife can do.

    i don’t believe in the LOVE that I always believed as a young adult. It doesn’t exist. My husband and I were perfectly in love. It was us against the world. We thought our love was more special than any other. But, it isn’t. The only special love is God’s.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, but I pray every day for God to help me be the person I should be regardless of my husband’s betrayal. I fear I will have to feel this way and pray this way for the reat of my life. I really hope other women out there find a way to feel okay and finally not hurt. I pray for other women. It is such a unbearable pain.

  14. I have been married 31 years. I found my husband looking at porn when I was 8 months pregnant 28 years ago. It devasted me as I felt so unattractive at that point of my life. He was very remorseful.
    We both accepted the Lord as our Saviour 24 years ago. To make a long story shorter………
    I couldn’t have been more proud of my husband for the first 7-8 years. We got involved in a church and he thrived, until the church pretty much split apart. ( I never ever thought about his porn issue, thinking it was a one time deal.)
    We left the church and have been away for many years. Four years ago, I lost my mother and the Lord used her death to bring me back to him. I feel closer to the Lord than I ever have been. The only thing is, I have not found a church..yet.
    My husband has always been a good man and I love him very much. He has not looked to the Lord for guidance in a long time. I don’t say anything, I don’t want to be judgemental.
    Well, 2 nights ago I had the flu and was laying on the sofa watching tv. Unfortunely, for my husband, I came into the same room he was in while he was on the computer (he fell asleep for a minute) and woke up while I walked in. He slammed his computer closed. He was looking at porn. Apparently, besides the years in church – he has on a weekly basis lookied at that trash for our whole marriage.
    He has never litterally cheated on me but it feels the same way. Again, he is remorseful and will do whatever it takes….he loves me very much, he says.
    I don’t know where to go from here. We made love last night….what is wrong with me??? My mind is wondering who has been in our marriage bed all these years in his mind.
    If I told one soul that we both know, they wouldn’t believe it. We have had the “perfect picture” marriage. I didn’t think I was so stupid. I know he loves me but I can’t help but shake the feeling of being totally inadequate. I’m embarrassed at this stage of life we are going through this. I’m 50 , I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this still! I could loose some weight but I have people constantly telling me I look like I’m 37 and they think I’m pretty.
    Part of me feels like just ignoring this and going on with our life….but I can’t. I told him he has a choice. The Lord first, then me or we will have to end this marriage. I can’t live with one foot in the light of Jesus and be married to a man the follows darkness. I will keep a close eye on him- give him time, forgiveness and prayer…..and hope he comes “home” to the Lord.
    My brother’s and sister in Christ, am I being fair?

  15. As a couples counsellor that has saved many Christian marriages over the years, please let me give some advice. You ladies have been through tremendous trials, and deserve real help, so please let me try.

    Don’t blame the pornography. Every man looks at pornography. The lord gifts us with the ability to masturbate as a tool to overcome biological programming. The male body is built to ejaculate on a daily basis, and masturbation is the simple, God-given and pleasurable mechanism by which we can remain faithful, happy, relaxed, and free of the biological imperative to seek out other women. It is quite literally a way to get a happy little reward for NOT being unfaithful, and sharing it with a wife is a wonderful way to bond and express love and trust.

    Looking at pornography does not mean we want to cheat on you.

    Looking at pornography does not mean we think you’re unattractive.

    Looking at pornography does not mean we want you doing the things we watch, or that we want your behavior, appearance, or attitudes to change.

    It just means we are masturbating, which really means nothing at all.

    The pornography isn’t a problem. But don’t get me wrong, there are MANY awful problems being discussed in this thread, most, if not all appearing to be a husband’s fault. Not making your wife feel loved or beautiful is a problem. Not making your wife feel secure is a problem. Not being honest with your wife, and hiding parts of your sexuality that may be hurtful if discovered but not discussed, is a problem. Being demanding of your wife in intimate terms, especially while making no effort to understand or help her develop and explore her own sexuality, is a huge problem, and terribly unfair. I feel deeply for the precious ladies who have been hurt by their husband’s carelessness in this thread, but understand – it’s not the pornography. It’s the secrets, dishonesty, and lack of communication, loving reinforcement, and reassurance in these relationships that are to blame.

    The idea that a man can free himself of pornographic “addiction” is a joke. This site exists to exploit your fear and sell you a service that has no chance of success across the long term. Surveilling your husband is ridiculous – it doesn’t solve the real problem, which is dishonesty and a feeling that some natural, harmless impulses need to be hidden or suppressed. This company is exploiting your fear, and your hurt, offering you no real solutions and taking your money anyways. Don’t fall for it. Masturbation is one of God’s greatest gifts, to both men and women, and it just so happens that on a scientific level, men biologically prefer visual stimulation over written or audio-recorded stimulation.

    Your masturbation is not a sin either. Fantasy is a healthy practice for a woman, and can help her explore and develop her sexuality at her own pace, in a society where that is all too often quashed and discouraged by commercial interests. Masturbation provides the building blocks for a healthy and fully-understood sexuality, helping one create a foundation that prepares them to enjoy a shared sexuality with their husband or wife.

    Talk to your man. I don’t promise that he’ll instantly be open about something that society damns as a sin or at the very least deems giggle-worthy, but you may be surprised at just how open and accepted your husband will feel if you open a dialogue about masturbation and then go from there. Take it slow – take it at your pace, and his pace. Remember that you are undoing years upon years of repression and damage, and that it won’t happen overnight. But God is with you , and I guarantee he appreciates your efforts to make the most of one of his most ingenious systems.

    This message will likely not last long, as I am speaking out against the company that runs this message board and has a monetary interest in keeping you repressed. So save it away in a text or document file so that you may read it again, whether your agree with it, or are disgusted by it. You’ll be glad that you did.

    God’s Love Be With You,

    -Paul Aquinn

    • @Paul – You obviously aren’t coming from the same position we are about the nature of lust. While I agree that masturbation does not always involve lust, when it is fruit of lust it is sinful. Why would you think lust isn’t sinful? Exactly how do you define “sin”?

    • i replied to your post, but didn’t click “reply” first. I assume you posted your thoughts with intention of replies.

    • You have helped me feel so much better just reading this. I am so depressed right now. Can I remain in contact with you please?

  16. Paul-

    Although, we are animals, God made us to become “enlightened” and go beyond our animal instincts and urges.

    The majority of the women who participate in the porn industry have been raped and/or molested as children. They are the prey of the industry. They are easily exploited because they have low self-seteem and have never felt truly loved. When you condone the exploitation of young women, who deeply need love and help instead, by watching pornography, then you are a part of the evil as well.

    Whether you mean to or not, most of what you said in your post is HERESY. If you really want to know what God wants and EXPECTS of us, then you need to go back and read the Bible again.

    Just because we are born sinners, does not make it okay to sin.

  17. Paul,

    Your post is the only one on this sad trail of guilt, shame, denial and self loathing that contains any modicum of reason.

    Those who equate fantasy, lust, masturbation, porn and the like with evil, or “sin”, are no better than those who pillory homosexuals for the sexual preference that they were born with.

    Lust is a natural human feeling and to suppress it is as dangerous as suppressing anger – it will merely fester.

    The expression of lust within a loving relationship – be it via fantasy or porn, or even inviting others into a polyamorous embrace with yourself and your partner – is a very healthy thing.

    The perception that the posters on this page seem to have is that only men look at porn or engage in sexual fantasies is most amusing to me.

    Having worked in the adult entertainment industry for a number of years, I can confirm that the majority of the customers that walked through my doors were in fact, women.

    That is correct – women are humans too.

    Women have the same desires and needs as men.

    Women too, gain pleasure from sex.

    Women too, enjoy fantasising and are capable of lust.

    Women too, enjoy watching porn.

    Perhaps if you stopped thinking that “men are evil, sinful beings” and had a look at some of the porn that has been specifically designed with women in mind – by female directors, writers and producers – you might come to understand that porn is not all evil.

    Perhaps too, if you acknowledged the fact that it is ok to have normal human desires, that lust is natural, that sex should be fun, that it is ok to fellate your husband or tie him up or have him perform cunnilingus on you, or for you to use a vibrator… perhaps if you expanded your marital sex life beyond the missionary position… perhaps he would have less of a need to sneak off and watch porn behind your back.

    Ladies, it is ok to enjoy sex. It is ok to submit to lust.

    Why on earth would God have created orgasms, vibrators, lust and porn if He didn’t want us to enjoy it?

  18. Ashley – if I may be so bold to ask:

    Why do you feel betrayed by your husband expressing his natural human desires through looking at pornography?

    To play the Devil’s advocate – how does he feel about you exposing to the world, his natural desire to view pornography?

    Is that not a betrayal of the bonds of marriage as well?

    How does George feel, really feel, about you telling the world that you think that he is a sinful, dishonest, evil human being?

    If I were an awful human being, I would suggest that via your public outpouring of faux grief, you have displayed yourself to be a somewhat unpleasant person who is hell bent on wrapping a very public cilice around the thigh of her husband for a perceived slight.

    What you are doing is exercising a self indulgent indulgence in self righteousness as the expense of George.

    If you truly loved him, instead of trying to suppress his desires, you would perhaps try to understand them.

    It is clear to me that you see him as someone to be controlled, someone that you need to keep in check, someone who must be exactly what you want him to be.

    If I may quote Corinthians 13:4 to you:

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. “

    You have violated all of the above, particularly the keeping record of wrongs.

    How can you call yourself a servant of your god when you so easily dismiss what you believe to be his word?

  19. I am reading these posts with interest and dismay. I would just tell Paul and the others, that so called “natural” desires should not involve hurtful actions and shattered trust inside the bonds of a loving relationship or involve deceptions, lies and infidelity. Whether you call pornography use and addiction by men or women “sin”, it is still harmful to their relationships and more than likely actually causing shame and guilt in the user which is unhealthy. You, Paul, like a lot of men want to justify the use of images by assuming all sexual tendencies are natural, therefore acceptable. However, we have brains and hopefully have evolved to the point that we can act and behave in ways that are more healthy for ourselves and our relationships. If you think a partner can just get over the devastation she/he feels when deceived in this way, I say why don’t you try getting over your “natural” need to use pornography or indulge your lustful tendencies? Good luck.

  20. Wow,

    Paul unbeliable its hateful ignorant men like you that have no clue. Ihave one thing to say to ALL the wifes GET RID OF THE LOOSER HUBBANDS!!! life is to short and to beautiful to have dead weight around like that. One women posted on here aboutdoing things to make YOU happy. Hey he is while you are all crying and trying to reason with them as to why they do it or how much it hurts you. They are masterbating tothat chick on the computer or in the move… I hate men and all are the same. I dont need a man in my life to make me happyI have God and my self pleasure at least my hand wont betray me….Godd luck ladies.

  21. A Note to Our Blog Readers:

    I’ve received a number of comments and e-mails asking me to remove Paul’s comment from this post. While I do not agree with most of the things Paul says about pornography and lust, I do not want to delete his comment and thereby negate the very relevant discussion his comment has sparked.

    As a policy, I approve most comments on this blog unless they are spam or they are wholeheartedly disrespectful and profane. Truth be told, there are many comments posted on Breaking Free I disagree with. But the whole point of having a place for comments is so we can interact with the Internet community.

    • Wow. I just caught up with these comments. I agree with you, Luke. Keeping these comments up here is a good idea. And I think you handled the lash out at Covenant Eyes very well. :) Keep doing what you’re doing here. God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. And if that’s the case, I bet the devil opposes the humble and gives lies to the proud … even in the form of blog comments.

  22. Ashley -

    Thank God I found this webpage. Reading your story is exactly what I’m living. I’m so sad I don’t know how I can continue to walk around my family and friends like everything I’m living is great. I’ve been married for 30 years. My husband has a heart condition but also a major problem with porn.

    Through the years I have treated him with respect and love. I’ve been a true blue wife. I work hard, try to keep the house clean, etc. When I turned 45 he went to the guest room and never returned. Using his illness as an excuse I believed him. What a fool I am. He has been satisfying his needs with porn and contacting women via e-mail. I accidentially found it on his computer. I confronted him and he finally admitted it was true. I feel sick!!! I don’t want to take any action now because of my anger. I’m letting things ride for now.

    I will turn to God. He has always been there for me. Always.
    He is the only one I can trust now and forever.

  23. Paul and “Mary Magdalen”,

    While most of what you state is technically true, it is twisted in an evil, sick-minded way. I will address each point given, beginning with Paul.

    Just because ejaculation was designed by God does NOT mean that masturbation was. Masturbation is manipulating one’s own body to produce the ejaculation, if not merely providing a sexual high. The only time we should be ejaculating is when we are beginning the process of procreation. Is that clear? Masturbation is not a reward — it is a selfish way to attain sexual gratification.

    I agree with the next few statements. We don’t want to cheat on our wives, we still find them attractive, and we love them just the way they are.

    And it does mean we are, in a roundabout way, masturbating. But it does mean something. By looking at pornography, we are trying to get the feelings that come from sex without the wife being involved. However, if it is the sensations you’re after, then that’s a problem. That is not why we have sex. It is not the sensation that is the goal. It is the unity it brings.

    Paul’s statements about pornography not being the problem are false. Yes, the other consequences of a porn addiction are there, but ask any wife here, and they will tell you this: even if trust was strong in a marriage, if communication was at a high, if the woman felt extremely attractive to her man, she would tell you that catching her husband looking at porn for the first time in his life would hurt.

    Pornographic addiction CAN be overcome. I have watched people make total U-turns and forsake pornography entirely. Maybe you haven’t seen it (for I doubt the validity of your counseling certification, or at the very least your skill) but it’s there.

    Sexual fantasies are not evil by any means. As long as they involve your spouse, and only your spouse. Yes, there will be temptations, but part of this mortal existence involves overcoming them.

    Now, “Mary”, let me address your claims. Again, mostly true, just twisted.

    Of your list, only sexual fantasy is not entirely evil. The rest involve unconditionally betraying your spouse. As for your comment on homosexuality, it is not the sexual preference that is evil. It is the actions taken to whet the appetite that are evil.

    In dealing with lust, you cannot simply suppress it. The best way is to only think of your spouse.

    Lusting after another is the evil part. What does God say about lust? He calls it adultery in the heart. Adultery is one of the evils singled out in the well-known Ten Commandments. You can connect the dots, I hope.

    Porn isn’t only aimed to trap men, I agree. 50% of young girls have been exposed to pornography by age 14. It’s out there. One of my greatest fears is that, when I am married, my spouse will be into porn. I’m not the most attractive man by any means. And for my wife to look at porn would hurt me more than I’d be able to bear without Christ’s supporting arm.

    But the fact that porn has been designed for women as well does not change its wicked nature. It is all evil. It detracts from a loving relationship. If you went home and found your husband (you are married, I presume) looking at porn, I imagine you’d be a little shocked.

    It is perfectly okay to have normal human desires. It is, well, normal. It is acting on those desires, however, that causes damage in a marriage. And sex should be fun. Well, at the very least, enjoyable. God created those sensations so we would be encouraged to start a family. And it wouldn’t change whether or not he looks at porn. Take the infamous example of Tiger Woods. He was married to a swimsuit model. I’m sure he enjoyed every moment with her. But he still went after other women.

    Yes, it is okay to enjoy sex. No, it is not okay to submit to lust — especially if it’s after the grocery bagger you talked to last week.

    God didn’t create vibrators and porn, last I checked. It was manna that fell from the sky, not Playboy.

    Ooh, Leaping Judas, you bring up an interesting point. Ashley is not parading her husband’s head on a stick. She is only sharing with us her feelings about the addiction. Show some sympathy, man!

  24. I know prayer is important but I don’t have read one comment about going to counseling and trying to help your husband and your marriage. I read ultimatums and separation and being angry and upset but we entered into marriage as a couple joined as one and at the onset of this challenge shouldn’t you face it as a couple? This site should be helping people deal with the issue with support but not necessarily feeding into justification for being angry and hurt and refusing to help your husband and yourself and your marriage. Prayer is wonderful but just praying to God to change your husband is probably not as useful as prayer to help you both change in a positive and loving direction. That means both people deciding to change and take action. The blame game and anger are not going to get you back to a happy healthy marriage. Trust me I know.
    Good luck all and my prayers are with you.

    • @Janice – Yes, I agree. While the comments on this specific post have not touched on the importance of couples counseling, many of our other posts have. One of our regular authors, Rick Thomas, is a biblical counselor who writes about this subject often. We are also constantly posting information from CCEF (Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation) for couples, as well as licensed marriage and family therapists, and others. Hope you find more helpful information through these links.

  25. OKY EVERYONE. I’M JUST GOING TO BE REAL ABOUT THIS WHOLE SITUATION. I AM A WOMAN AND A SEX therapist BY THE WAY FIRST OF ALL AND I HAVE TO SAY THIS. ITS JUST PORN. ITS PICTURES ITS VIDEO. WITH THE ACT OF SEX. ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE AGAINST PORN, BECAUSE IT IS REAL SEX ACTS VIDEO TAPED, BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU, YOURSELF, MIGHT BE INTO WATCHING IT AS WELL? WE ARE ANIMALS. WE ALL HAVE DESIRES AND AS WOMEN IT IS A FACT THAT WE ARE EXTREMELY SEXUAL CREATURES. ( WE CAN HAVE MULTIPLE ORGAZUMS.) CAN YOU HONESTLY TELL ME YOU NEVER ONCE WANTED TO LOOK AT PORN? YOU WEREN’T ONCE WONDERING WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. AND THEN WHEN YOU WATCHED IT DID YOU GET EXCITED? FELT TURNED ON? OF COURSE YOU DID YOU ARE HUMAN! THERE IS NO WAY WE AS PEOPLE ARE NOT TURNED ON BY OTHERS LOOKS. IT IS NATURAL. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN ITS AN EXCUSE TO CHEAT. NO WAY. CAUSE THE REASON YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE TOGETHER IS BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE AND A MARRIAGE IS ABOUT LOOKS, PERSONALITY, AND Compatibility. WITH PORN HE IS JUST LOOKING ( LIKE YOU WOULD IF YOU WATCHED A MOVIE AND SAID “WOW THAT ACTOR IS HOT”) SAME THING. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW DON’T BE SO AGAINST PORN WHEN HONESTLY ITS JUST A VISUAL AID AND ENTERTAINMENT. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF WATCHING IT WITH HIM? YOU MIGHT FIND YOUR RELATIONSHIP GROW STRONGER IF YOU CAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE OPEN MINDED SEXUALLY. WE ALL ARE SEXUAL CREATURES YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION TO THAT. HOPE ALL WILL BE WELL.

    • @Kathy – I don’t think anyone here will deny that people watch porn because it is arousing and exciting. I don’t think anyone here would question whether men and women alike can enjoy pornography. These are not the issues at hand in this post or any others on this blog. The crucial question is whether consumer sex (things like prostitution, pornography, erotica, etc.) are ways to train the mind and heart for healthy sexuality and intimacy. They do not. They teach the mind to treat sex like a commodity, not as a doorway to intimacy. You might be interested in the recent e-magazine article I wrote about this: “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn.”

  26. This spoke to me so much that I started crying. From the not wanting to sleep and crying and wondering if he’s dreaming of other women to not wanting him to see me before my make up is on. Thats EXACTLY what I do. It only makes it worse that when I am awake and he’s asleep I’ve noticed that he’s visibly aroused and it breaks my heart. I’ve caught him with porn on his phone at least 8 times now and we’ve only been married 9 months. He says I shouldn’t care and then always ends up saying sorry but just yesterday I found more porn again!!! I never deny him intercourse and yet he feels the need to satisfy himself to a picture or video when I’m right there willing and ready. I just don’t feel good enough for him, like I’m doing something wrong. But it makes me feel better to know I’m good enough for God!

  27. Thank you so much for this — I have been a christian since early childhood, but when the pain like this comes, when I discover my husband’s betrayals, I so often push God away and try to deal with it on my own. And promptly fail. Thank you for reminding me that I can rest in the arms of the one who will never betray me, never let me down, and always affirm that He made me exactly the way I am, ON PURPOSE. He loves the way I look, and the way I am. I am prized and treasured by the king of kings.

  28. I am 21 years old. My boyfriend of 3 years is 22. We have a 1 1/2 old daughter. I recently found out he has been looking at porn 2-3 times a week since before we started dating. We have broken up 2 times because our sex life was 2-3 times a month after I got pregnant and had our child. Before it was everyday. Yet he said he’s looked at it sense the beginning but says the reason we never had a sex life was because of him watching porn. I’m so mad for 2 1/2 years I felt bad about.myself because he never wanted to make love and would cry myself to sleep and he knew. I’m a Christian was raised porn was wrong and told him from dat one if ur with me u don’t look at girls. If we watch the notebook and a sex scene comes up we fastforward it. I feel so betrayed and just want to leave him. Threw out our relationship he cheated on me once before my daughter, and the two times we broke up because of our sex life he slept with girls the day after we broke up. We have been seeing a coubsiler Nd everything has been great now this. He said he prayed and gave it to god and needed to tell me but now I feel so self consious. I am skinnier now than before I was pregnant, tan and am good looking. I have guys who would love to date me yet I stated with him. I do love him but what little trust I had I don’t have anymore. I’m ready to call it quits cause I don’t deserve this. I’m with the one guy I promised myself growing up I would never be with. I just don’t know what to do. He promised he told me because he stopped but I feel like I don’t know him, was our love ever real. I just feel like this Is worse than him sleeping with someone when we broke up because we have been together the whole time, and his eyes are for only me. What should I do not talk to him for a couple weeks so I can get over the sting? He’s acting like everything is fine its in his past ( four days ago) and he won’t do it again. But I don’t trust.him I don’t.live with him and he has.roomates I think he wants every girl out there. I was never an insucure person until I started dating him from the cheating, and now porn. I feel disrespected and worthless especially because we broke up from our sex life.and he still didn’t stop. His porn was more to him than me and our daughter. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • @tara – I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I ready stories like yours every day through our comments here. This kind of situation is sadly common.

      First, it is good that you have put your foot down about the pornography. It is good you haven’t bought into the lie that porn is harmless. As you have already seen, it has harmed your sex life. It hijacks a man’s mind and heart.

      Second, the next step for you is to tell him what rebuilding your trust needs to look like. He snuck around for years behind your back with pornography. And while he might have thought he was keeping the secret because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, he was being unfaithful to you in his heart. Now, if the relationship is going to be repaired, he needs to make every stride to regain your trust. But he needs to know what that looks like. If you could trust him again, what does he need to do to show you he is trustworthy? I know it will take time, but he needs to know what specifically rebuilding trust involves. Don’t be afraid to come up with a list of specifics. Do you want him to get an accountability program on his computer? Do you want him to throw out pornography he has? Do you want him to tell you everywhere he accesses pornography?

      Third, your feelings of insecurity are also very common for women in your situation. For many women, when their man watches porn it feels like they are being cheated on. Here are some free resources that might be able to help you work through this:

      1. You might want to read our free e-book: Porn and Your Husband.
      2. Read our series by Christian counselor Ella Hutchinson: “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”
      3. Read our article by Christian counselor Sherry Allchin: “Why am I not enough for him?
      4. Read our post by Christian counselor Melissa Haas: “Marriage Advice: ‘Why is he attracted to porn instead of me?’
      5. Read our post by Christian counselor Mark Gaither: “When Love Has to Get Tough.”

      I hope these give you a good place to start!

  29. My husband has been doing the porn thing for 7 yrs off and on. The first time he apologized and admitted it was wrong. Lately its the fact that he does and deletes it and I know then he lies. Also it goes into “if your not happy why are you with me” so Its like now I just can’t even say it our bring it up. Or else im pushing him out the door. I have to just take it. Im a firm believer in NO DIVORCE, and we have 2 children. Please help

    • Amanda S,

      Thanks for sharing your question. It is so sad when a man becomes callous over this sin.

      In our e-book, Hope After Porn, four women share a story similar to yours. All of them dealt with their husband’s betrayal through pornography. All of them tried to plead with their husbands to change. But in the end, when nothing else seemed to work, they all put deliberate distance between themselves and their husbands. They all decided that enough was enough.

      In the end, I believe there are times when clear boundaries and even separation are necessary things. I am also a firm believer in avoiding divorce, but when a wife puts clear boundaries between herself and her cheating husband (that is, after all, what is he doing by watching porn) then she is putting her foot down, saying she will not tolerate other women in their marriage. If this is done with a view towards eventual reconciliation, it can have a profound impact on a man. If he has been caught over and over with no consequences, he has learned that he can get away with watching porn with a simple apology.

      I recommend you read this article from Christian counselor Ella Hutchinson. It is Part 3 in a series of post on questions wives of porn addicts often ask. You can also read Part 1 and Part 2.

  30. When my husband and I were dating he took me out one night and proceeded to tell me that he had something the holy spirit was leading him to tell me. I immediately began to panic. He told me of how he had been introduced to pornography at a young age of 10 or 11 and how he had dealt with it since. At that point he was doing well and not intentionally seeking after it. (He was only dealing with the lust every man deals with that screams at them from every angle.) I was completely crushed. I was 25 yrs of age at this point and had never given my virginity away to anyone and honest to God didn’t even know how sex worked til we went through our premarital counseling 6 weeks before we were married. That’s right-even after he told me of his struggles with this horrendous thing I still made the choice to marry him-but it wasn’t an easy one. The night after he told me of these things I went through the roof (emotionally speaking.) We were very close to engagement and when I found that he hadn’t brought any of these things to my attention before marriage even became an option I was devastated. I felt mislead and that I couldn’t trust this man, or even my pastor for that matter. My boyfriend was in complete accountability with our pastor and he knew everything he struggled with. After my boyfriend saw how it all affected me so deeply we knew it would either make our relationship stronger or completely obliterate it. We met with our pastor and I was outraged that neither of these men told me anything of this before this point but after many tears and discussion, at the end of that talk, I decided that I loved him and that I wasn’t perfect (even though sexually I had no where experienced what he had) and that I wanted to continue the relationship to engagement and marriage. My boyfriend was very repentant and cried his eyes out that day apologizing and asking for forgiveness for not telling me sooner.

    My now husband had Covenant Eyes installed on all his computers and the reports were being sent to two of our pastors. Accountability at last. I felt secure in knowing our pastors would “call him out” if anything pornographic was flagged. But I still continued to live paranoid that he was finding pleasure elsewhere. I was having difficulty trusting him and I would look on his phone and search internet history to see if he was looking at something he shouldn’t. Well, all had seemed well until last night. We’ve been married a little over 3 years. I found out that he had a friend disable his ability to use the apple store on his phone. This was very odd to me and I further inquired why. He told me he had downloaded another search engine app and it was tempting him to view things he shouldn’t and there was no way to track its history so instead of placing himself in such a position, he asked a friend to gain access over his apple store id and password so that he wouldn’t be tempted to download these search engines again. Well, this was a HUGE red flag to me so I asked for his phone. (It had become in the last few months understood that I would search all throughout his phone at any time, and he finally agreed to that and was fine with it.)

    Well, I found all his website data on his iphone. I scrolled through it and there were numerous pornographic websites threaded throughout the list. I confronted him about it and he was in complete shock. What makes it even worse is that all throughout our marriage I’ve asked him on occassion how he is doing with his struggles (just wanting a “good” or “not too good” answer and he’s not once responded with “not too good”. I was trying my hardest to believe him and trust him that I always did. So not only have I found that he’s been looking at it on occassion throughout the last year and a half but that he’s outright been lying to me when I’ve point blank asked him if he’s been looking at any of it. Now within there lies two major problems in our marriage. And to top it all off I’m almost 7 months pregnant with our first child and closing on our first house in just a few days. I am having this mans child and about to sign a contract with him on the closing of our house and I am just now finding out all this. He told me he’s wanted to tell me but that he’s been too scared to – afraid that I would leave him.

    Today is a new day and even though I hardly slept a wink last night and cried my eyes out til they’re puffy – we were able to better talk through things this morning and get out our questions and frustrations and now I’m working on extending love, grace and compassion in the midst of my anger, fear and betrayal – yet again. I needed to write to get this off my chest and share with you a poem I wrote when all this happened the first time around:

    State of Mind

    My soul is enveloped with rage and anger, yet my spirit longs to love and trust again
    I feel the entrapment of deep pain
    Yet my heart longs to give freedom to the source of my pain
    I long to be free from the anger
    I long to be free from the rage

    She’s someone’s daughter you know- someone’s little girl
    A girl who has been hurt by the world
    And so she has turned
    To find her love in the acceptance of another man’s eye
    Doesn’t she know there is a love that money can’t buy

    I can see God’s hand
    For when I desire to explode with anger
    All that I extend is grace
    But that doesn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face
    My heart hurts-it feels it has been betrayed

    Let me sleep.
    Sleep the day away
    Then I won’t feel the pain

    …this could not better describe how I feel at the moment. I feel as though I’m living a nightmare and I want to wake up and believe none of it ever happened. But it did, and I’m having to filter though everything and find healing again – in the midst of one of the biggest changes of our lives (the birth of our first child and purchasing our first house)

    My husband has already met with our pastor and has a plan to meet with him and other men at least once a week to pray and establish accountability yet again. He used to do this and somewhere along the hurt of last years events of the loss of our first pregnancy he turned into this temptation yet again.

    Please pray for us and for God’s healing power and ultimate breaking of this generational curse in my husbands life. It’s going to be a difficult road but we are taking it and I told him I need him to fight – fight for himself, for me as his wife and for his soon to be son – that neither he nor I wan’t to ever have to deal with the incredible grip this sin takes on a man.

    • Hi Elizabeth. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I know you must feel terrible, but it is good to see that you are running to God as your refuge.

      Knowing the raw details can be the toughest part. It is one thing to hear “I’ve had a bad day,” and it is another thing to see a list of perverse sounding websites, knowing your husband was looking at all of them. A man needs to be open about whatever details his wife wants to know (this keeps him honest and not hiding behind any pretenses).

      At the same time, it is also healthy for couples to acknowledge how much knowledge is too much knowledge. This is not an easy question to answer. You might enjoy reading, “Are Husbands Supposed to Be Accountable to Their Wives?

      I wish you the best as you pick up the pieces. Let us know how we can help!

  31. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and he is addicted to porn. He has confronted me when it started and I know why he does it. It hurts my feeling and cry about it every day. He knows i dont like it and will not stop. I do not know what to do. I am not the one who does it but makes me feel dirty. When we are Intimate I am afraid he is thinking about someone else. I feel like I am not beautiful or I don’t have that body. He says he has had this problem since he was 10. How can you break a habit that you have had for 14 years? How do I stay in a relationship if he doesn’t respect me?

    • Hi Adriana,

      That’s a tough position to be in. If you haven’t already, I recommend downloading our e-book Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives. It will help you determine next steps to help you bring healing to your relationship. You should also download Hope After Porn, which shares stories of wives who have dealt with porn in their marriage and found healing and recovery.

      I also strongly recommend that you find a counselor with training in porn addiction and recovery. Dr. Doug Weiss, I believe, offers free half-hour consultations. There’s a list of other suggested counselors in Porn and Your Husband. If you choose to find someone locally, make sure you ask them their thoughts on porn use among men before you set up an appointment. If they take the stance of “It’s no big deal,” find someone else.

  32. My first husband watched porn on my computer when I was working grave yard shifts. I felt so hurt. After him swearing he would never again I found it six month later. we divorced and I am remarried. he is a amazing husband and he promised before we got married he would never watch it. I told him I could not deal with it. like he could not deal if I cheated. five months after our wedding I found it on his computer. he watched it when I went to my mothers and he was alone for a few hours at home. but when I confronted him he owned up and did not lie. He saw how upset I was. I had flash backs of my past husband and all my fears and insecurities came back. I believed he wouldn’t do that. I trusted him. after I fell apart and went outside for some alone time he broke his computer and swore up and down he would never ever hurt me again. And he hasn’t since. now I am working 24 hour shifts and I’m gone at night sometimes. were in a difficult spot with bills so I have to. now at night I’m so scared he is watching it again. He asked me not to bring it up again and please drop it. so I’m trying not to bring up the past of what he did but its burned in my mind. I don’t know how to get over it. I love him more then anything but I’m scared of getting hurt again. what do I do?

    • Hi Baye,

      I feel terrible about your situation. You’re dealing with the double-hurt of past issues with your first husband and fresh infidelities of your current husband.

      There are a couple things to keep in mind. Reestablishing trust in your husband is something that must happen gradually over time, but it is also something he must earn through his actions. Continuing to spy on him may give you peace of mind for a moment (or shatter your heart if something pornographic is found), but the best-case scenario should be an open door policy. His pride is certainly wounded from being discovered, and of course there is a high degree of shame going on (and rightfully so). So talking to you again about when he considers the matter “settled” is not going to be easy for him.

      Rather than talking about this issue whenever it pops into your mind, suggest to him a regularly scheduled time to allow him to “check in” with you. One counselor I knows calls it having a “State of the Union Address.” This frees him from the threat of having to answer questions all the time, but it also gives you a routined time of talking to him about his struggles, his temptations, his difficulties. Doing this would be a big step, and awkward at first, but let him know this would be a great help to you.

      Feel free to check out more of our resources for wives. I hope you find something you’re looking for. This video series is particularly excellent.

  33. I have also been on the receiving end of my husband looking at porn, and my heart aches for you women..I know how empty it can make you feel. It almost ruined my life. I was determined that if I couldn’t beat them, I would join them, and I became an exotic dancer to prove to myself that I was attractive enough to turn on other men. I did very well financially, but had a void in my life, hit rock bottom, and realized that void could only be filled with God. I realized that I don’t need any person’s approval..only God’s..and I do agree that masturbation is a normal expression of release, but perhaps married men should use pictures of their wives to masturbate to :)))) God wants your marriages to be exciting and passionate, so why not give each other some visual and verbal stimulation..I am in no way saying that if you keep your husband pleased, he won’t look, because some men have real problems and they’re addicts. But those addictions are nothing God can’t handle. God wants you to be happy, and if you’re not happy, then you’re learning something and will come out a stronger person. I know for me, I just had to keep praying and praying. I felt like I didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness or love at all, but after all that praying and reading my bible, I now feel like I have his favor. Hope this helps some of you out there.

  34. You’re welcome, and to clarify, I didn’t elaborate on my “rock bottom” that ensued as a result of me becoming a dancer, but it is an industry filled with alcohol, drugs, lies, sex, and the list goes on and on. But I believe I was put in that valley for a reason, because had I not been in that dark of a place, I would never have had the relationship with God that I have today. Are you ready for the kicker? I thought I was a Christian before all that!!! My point is that women who are the “victims” of their husbands looking at porn so often blame themselves, and hit these “rock bottoms”, but these are the times you WILL find your strength. When you’re at your lowest point, there’s nowhere else to go but up. If there are any of you out there still struggling with this, I would be happy to talk to you..I know how gut wrenching it is, and even though you never forget, it does get better, if you just give it to Jesus and keep talking to him, like you would your best friend.

  35. Most of you people are just… wow. Let me say this, there is a huge difference between a casual watcher of porn and someone who ‘uses’ it. If your husband is ignoring your sexual needs, ignores you, etc etc, and chooses porn instead of you, or spends hours watching the stuff then obviously there is a problem.

    But I’d say that most men who watch pornography are in no danger of this. They turn it on, do their business , turn it off and go about their day still loving their wives and showing them attention etc etc.

    Most of the post on this forum are from jealous women, who are upset their husbands dont sit around all day fantasizing about them. If you took away the pornography (which is whole other issue) men would just close their eyes and use their imaginations and its probally not going to be starring you. So as long as the man isnt an actual addict , just get over it. There is nothing wrong with it. Most of the problems the women have described come from their own low self esteem and inimaticy issues. Do you think that if your husband found you watching porn he would be upset you were lusting after other men? or would be excited? be honest.

  36. also, i find it very very amusing that all these “christians” are posting about how they are upset that their boyfriends look at porn or that their 2nd or 3rd husbands look at porn. If your so high and mighty to have a religious based moral issue against pornography, what are you doing having premartial sex or getting divorced? lol at the level of hypocrisy from the posters on this site.

  37. I was shocked when reading this article. I thought maybe I wasn’t being as understanding as I should. At the same time I could not stop the pain that felt like my heart had been ripped open.I could not stop the tears at night and when it just became too much.When reading this it was like something I had written word for word.I had become so unhappy with my body I could never look in the mirror when getting in the shower or getting dressed. Now this happens it only confirms what I feared, that I am disgusting!How can I ever get past this? I want to see the websites he looked at, to see if they are as bad as I see in my head. I feel for some reason that it is wrong to ask him this. Do I have the right?

    • I did not read all of the post. I had only looked at the 1st.few. I was in no way replying to sean’s post. I have a feeling this is the last time I will be on this website. I think this is a great website, right now I’m to anger to listen to jerk’s like this.

  38. Dawn:
    I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be visiting the covenant eyes blog again. I hope that this message makes it out to you. Sean is entitled to his opinion and I’m entitled to mine, so here it is!
    You are feeling the exact same feeling as so many of us have and are feeling right now. When I found out that my husband was using porn while attending seminary, I was sick. I felt like I’d been shot in the stomach. Everything went numb and fuzzy followed by excruciating, deep running anger. I can tell you that I do remember ending up in my pajamas at his night class, but I cannot remember how I got there. I understand, more than you know, the pain and disappointment you’re feeling right now.

    As for your question, asking your husband to see the details of the sites he has visited may not be the best decision for YOU. I can remember all of those site names I saw that day by heart. They stained in my minds eye, and I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if those were associated with an image. It’s your decision, obviously, but I don’t see how seeing these images is going to bring healing in your marraige. It can only make matters worse and bring you deeper into your disbelief and confusion. Also, don’t allow the enemy to have access to your mind…keep it guarded.

    Do you have anyone you can reach out to? This needs to be brought to the light as soon as possbile. The best case scenario would be you and your husband seeking professional sexual addiction counseling. You can also reach out to your pastor or someone that you know has the best interest of your marriage at heart. Don’t wait on doing this…time is not your friend.

    Harboring this kind of disappointment can turn into despair very quickly. The enemy wants to make pornography “no big deal” so that our marriages end and our famlilies are destroyed. It doesn’t matter what words people like Sean type or what the media wants us to believe about pornography, the truth lies within our hearts. When your husband desires to be with another woman, that’s going to affect you…and it should. Don’t let anyone EVER tell you any different.

    My prayer for you is that you will discuss your feelings with your husband, that he will have open eyes to his sin, and how he is hurting the one he should be protecting. I pray that he will be open to seeking counsel and start rebuilding trust with his wife. The sooner you do this, the shorter the path to healing will be.

    You are being prayed for and lifted up, Dawn!

  39. Please I need some help. I am hurt and broken and angry. I can not stop the pain in my heart. I feel so lost for everything I thought we had and so used. This trench of filth and loss of self worth. And faith in our strength as a couple is waining. I am exhausted I have panic attatcks to the point I am going to see a doctpr I am depressed I have no appetite I have blinding headaches. The other day he commented on hpw green my eyes were and how they glowed little did he know its because i had been crying for four hours or more. Please would someone help. I cannpt believe he would choose a laptop and hos cell phone downloads of pornography over me…..

    • Hi Sarah. I’m so sorry your husband has done this to you. You might want to check out our resources page for wives. I also recommend you contact Comfort Christian Counseling. Ella Hutchinson has written for us many times. She has some great resources on her website. In addition, it sounds like you might need to talk to someone to help you get through the pain of this. Your trauma is very real and should not be treated like a small matter. Consider looking up a counselor in your local area.

      I pray your husband will come around, but most of all, I pray you will find the help you need for your heart.

  40. This is a comment to Sean :
    Question – If porn is simply a stimulation for men to satisfy themselves and women should be accepting of this. … Then is it fair to say that a woman shpuld seek out whatever comfort she needs from the loss of intamacy with her partner. Becauae its sounds to me.like you are simply a nasacistic male who truly has never suffered the loss of trust in a relationship. I truly wish for you the pleasure of walking in on your significant other in whatever space you both share and find them in the exact spot where you pleasure yoirself viewing whatever kind of porn you happen to enjoy and.them being in a passionate engagement with aomeone else. It would serve you right to have ypir heart split open the.Same way the women on this post have nd for you to feel the pain and sense of betrayal that they have . You have no grounds to be so condescending or type such insensitive words ….

  41. I need to thank you for this site. I had been suffering in this sin for a long time. Some periods it was very frequent, others, not so much. Either way, I hated it, the anticipation, the moment, and most of all the after math. As of late, I didn’t clean my history well enough, and my wife found a site. I tried denying it, but I knew full well I had to face her.

    I left work in a rush ( I have a job that I am able to do so) and came straight home. My wife, between finding the site, calling me, and me showing up home, found a few web sites relating to this issue. This was a huge blessing for the both of us, as secretly, I was hoping she would find it (without divorcing me) and that I would finally have to deal with it. Sins are much easier to justify in your head when you’re not caught in them.

    When I got home, she admitted the hurt, but then the moment I didn’t expect, she replied “If I had been intimate with you more often, you wouldn’t be suffering in your urges as much”. I thought I would be doing nothing but apologizing, and praying with her to help me overcome my addiction, but on top of that, she admitted her shortcomings to me in not fulfilling my sexual desires as well…

    This completely opened up the door in a long discussion of what we loved about each other, what we hated about each other, and what we’re expecting of each other from now on, sexually (with the exception of her monthly “friend” and some exceptions).

    This site was no doubt a help to her, in understanding that christian men that fall in this trap, are simply too humiliated to bring it up with their spouse, until they are caught, and sometimes, it’s too late.

    Thank you for the article, you have potentially have saved a marriage. And to Sean, if porn isn’t that bad…why is it breaking up marriages? Shouldn’t it help? I would prefer my wife think of me when we’re intimate, not some guy posing on a computer screen…

  42. God never expected a woman to remain in a marriage where there is adultery, pornography, lusting after other women masturbating and spilling his seed on barren ground, having confidences with other women all falls under this category. It is the only reason for divorce scripture gives. It is not just a broken covenant between our husbands and self but the tri cord with Christ being part of this bond and it’s brokenness. Am I saying a marriage can not be made new? No. I have learned in the twenty two years of watching my husband look at every thing with female parts to finding out the last seven he was in porn for hours a day, to my continuing to fight and to save this marriage, that if he chooses to do something other than surrender to Christ be faithful in His time with the Lord and get strong Christian counselling and a devoted mentor it will not change. My husband only would get upset when I said to leave run back to the church and within a matter of days be right back to do what he is still doing. he wants he is cruel in his words when ever he does speak and that is only when I reach out to him I have learned to see myself through Christ He is my groom. I have learned what we can pray a hedge of thorns laborers across there paths,and yes a softening of there heart, I also know that our God gives us choice. I can not change him and God won’t, unless he surrenders with every thing in him. I still struggle with the very fact I cant move him to want this as much as I do but all in all there is a freedom within in it. I have asked my husband, to leave after eighteen months, I have pursued him to the cross, to no avail. It is between him and God, I will continue to pray but the filth must leave the demonic spirit in this house, the curse he has brought to this house leaves with him. This has been a long journey to horrible to repeat, but God has seen me through. Would I want to live through this again? No but I thank my mighty God for what i have learned through it. Pray for both my son and I as I pray for each of you.Pray off the generational curses over your children and your mate.Look to the Lord to know you are beautiful, mind body and spirit. Great things are in store for you occupy your territory. DO NOT relinquish your authority! Move forward! The enemy is being served his warning on trespassing,. He doesn’t get the last word. Sing my sister Sing! and again I say SING!

  43. I’m so devistated. I just got married in february and expecting in August. I just wanted to go on line from my husbands phone while he was in the shower to pass time by and i found on the Web on his cell phone porn on his phone. Now i know why he doesn’t want to be sexually active anymore he doesn’t know i found out but I’m so angry i don’t want him looking, touching, or even talking to me. What do i do???

    • First, read some of the other comments on this post. You’re not alone!

      Next, read Porn and Your Husband. It will give you some ideas of next steps.

      I’d also recommend letting your husband know what you saw. Try to keep it positive, along the lines of “I understand that porn may be a struggle for you, but I know you’re strong enough to beat it.” There’s no question that this will be difficult for you (both of you), but by addressing the problem early you have a better chance of getting him help and having (believe it or not) a happy marriage.

  44. My husband ended our marriage because he wanted porn to be a part of his life and was angry that I do not. I am completely devastated that he chose porn over me after 10 years together and all that we’ve done together for his career. I was so open about how I felt hurt by it but he insisted that I was just insecure. He felt that he had a right to view it and I tried very hard to have him consider otherwise, but he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He insisted that all men look at porn and they want their wives and porn. It wasn’t an issue of more sex with me, he said that all guys want both. Porn is something separate from me as his wife. And that is was just for fun. I am so sad. Truly devastated. I feel alone and like a failure that I couldn’t go along with it, but I can’t understand how he can’t see how I might feel rejection from his porn use. If sexual desire is a basic human emotion, so is the need to feel loved, safe and that no emotion is wrong. Feelings of insecurity start on playgrounds in grade school. We’ve all felt them. How can men not see how women might feel that they are having to compete with a third party in their marriage?

    • It pains me to hear what your husband is saying to you, Kimee. Is he not willing to consider how you feel about the matter? I think your comment about “a third party in their marriage” is exactly the point. He needs to understand that you see his porn use as a rejection of the vow he took when he married you: “forsaking all others.” He might be shocked to realize this means turning away from all porn, but he would probably feel differently if you started chatting online with other men, calling it “fun.”

      You might want to check out this free e-book: Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives

  45. Thank you Luke. But he is completely convicted in his belief and he feels that I am completely unreasonable. Even though I have been extremely available to him sexually, he feels all men want porn AND their wives. He has officially ended the marriage. I had offered him reading materials in the past but he refused. We had even discussed porn prior to getting married and he knew how I felt, and he disagreed back then, but we took time apart and he came back saying that he agreed so we married, but then shortly after, it came up again and later he said that he never did change his mind on it because he feels that porn use is a private matter and none of my business and that he didn’t feel that I even had to know that he used it. I feel that this issue doesn’t even have to be a “religious” issue. It’s about basic respect for your wife and your marriage partnership. It’s about having compassion that another person’s feelings are valid. And it’s not about their insecurity. If they were so insecure, they’d just look the other way and let their spouse look at porn because they’d be too insecure to stand up for their self-respect and dignity. Looking at porn is a choice, not a biological imperative that so many want us to believe. I just can’t believe that this is so important to him to leave a person who has done everything else to be a supportive and loving partner just because of his desire for porn. That shows how powerful it is. Before I found it after we married, there were things he was saying to me and doing sexually that only made sense after I found the porn he was looking at. He was craving more intense activities and was expecting me to look a certain way, which I can’t. I experienced the “scientific” evidence of it impacting his view of me and an escalation in his need for more intense activities. And yet, he says it’s just fun and healthy. It needs a label like cigarettes and alcohol. Although young people are getting socialized to find it natural and healthy too. I’m so sad.

    • You situation is a great example of how powerful porn is. What a ridiculous thing to cling to at the cost of a marriage!

      It sounds like you’ve done a lot to talk reasonably to your husband, even laying the groundwork before you were married. He has been deceptive to you all along the way. He deceit and his virtual infidelity are both crimes against you, and he should feel ashamed of himself.

      Have you found any support for yourself in the midst of this? Friends? Family? A group for wives of sex-addicts?

  46. I do want to thank you for this site because even though in my heart, I felt like I was losing myself, I was insecure that I really might be overreacting because society makes it seem like everyone thinks porn and sexualized images of women are completely normal. I felt SO alone in how I felt and so scared that I might be making a mistake, especially be he was extremely insistent that I was the one with the problem. This site has helped me realize that I’m not alone. Please do not stop what you’re doing. Women like myself are desperately hurting over this. I can’t tell you the pain I have from this. I am sad beyond words but I find some peace in knowing that I’m not alone.

    • I cannot begin to explain how much I can relate to these woman. It is so important that this issue be exposed and not treated lightly. I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 2. I have been dealing with this for at least 10 years. Although I believe he no longer does look at porn, We dont own a computer etc, I am dealing with the effects of this happening years ago. I caught him many times and we argued many many times and it went in circles. He would hide it, lie, id find it and confront jim every way possible, for him to turn it on me etc. Similar circumstances to many of the above posts….but although it has been a long time since all of those things happened I am left with so much insecurity. I compare myself to others constantly. I have very low self esteem with him. I am young and attractive actually (not to be conceded but to make the contrasting point). But I realize nko matter how I look I will never feel good enough for him, not for me. If that makes sense. So I deal with this every day. Everywhere we go and everything we do is ruled by this deep insecurity I carry with me. Although I know he loves me like crazy and does honestly think im very sexy, I can’t stand the thought that he could ALSO find someone else sexy. I always thought growing up that the man I would marry would adore me so much that nobody else could possibly be attractive. Now I know that is impossible. Men are “programmed” to find woman attractive and there is absolutely nothing we woman can do. So all in all I hope that one day I can get over this insecurity which I can say came from the many years of betrayal and porn watching

    • Hi unknown,

      Men certainly are “programmed” to be attracted to women, but this does not mean that a man cannot make you his standard of beauty. As a husband, this is what I strive for. I strive to make my wife my standard of beauty. Do I see other women who I find attractive in the world. Yes (as I know she sees men she finds attractive). But my goal is to train my mind to say, “That woman man have attractive qualities, but she is not my wife. My wife is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.”

      That said, even if a man does this, this will not mean that your insecurities will go away. As the above article states, Ashley said women need to “experience the beauty of faithfulness,” no matter how unfaithful the world is to them. This kind of faithfulness is not something a sinful, imperfect man can give you. Only One person can truly be call “Faithful.” Only Jesus Christ sees down to the core of who you are, imperfections and all, and can still say to you, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Jesus forgives all who come to Him. Jesus is faithful to all who trust in Him.

  47. Luke, I am hurting so much from this. I can’t even express how much pain this brings to me. The rejection, the loss, the hurt, the self-doubt. All over porn. I am thankful to have a very supportive family. And I am going to counseling. My esteem is practically gone. I feel so ugly. In the marriage, he had wanted me to look certain ways, which I now realize are directly from porn, and I don’t look like that and I feel very self-conscious now about my body as well as beginning to believe what he said that I was insecure. I really was, but how can I not be? I wish I could talk directly with other women who have lost their marriage over this. Even though I have my family and a counselor, I feel so alone and the rejection is painful because I honestly gave him everything else. I worked so hard for him to get his career established and to move where he wanted but I still feel like I failed.

    • It hurts to hear how porn-fantasies can rip families apart and make women feel worthless.

      I could tell you about how porn is fake: camera angles, paid actresses, airbrushed photos, clever editing. I could tell you about how porn destroys male libidos. I could tell you about what porn stars endure for hours in order to get enough decent footage for a porn film. I could tell you about the neurochemical impact of porn on the brain and how it rewires the mind to think irrationally about sexuality. I could tell you that even icons of beauty in pop culture can’t keep their husband’s attention when they are deluded by porn expectations.

      All of this you would probably hear with an open mind, but the fact is your husband has done damage to your heart, wounding you deeper than just what your intellect will tell you. I pray you and your counselor can dismantle the lies that have invaded you mind.

    • Hi Kimee….I feel like you are speaking my words. If you felt comfortable you can leave me an email address to exchange some emails. I have also felt soooo extremely alone for 10 years. Like nobody understood what I was going through and I often wiahed that I had someone to talk to who could relate

  48. i am going through the same situation all you women are going through.and it is very painful because my husband won’t admit he likes watching porn and i don’t understand why he took it that far.when i confronted him he said that he never watched it that he saved that porn website to test me to see if i was going through he’s laptop and i am just so confused he doesn’t know that it hurts me he just thinks its cause of jealousy and it aint about jealousy its about him doing that and not been opened about it.so with all that said i don’t understand him or men that do that and i don’t know if he will ever change if i leave it all to god. can someone shoot me an email and let me know how they overcame that hurtful experience.thank you

  49. Just found out my husband of nearly 3 years has a problem with pron. I loaded up the computer on his browser and there it was. I’m still in that initial stage of shock right now, there has been anger and tears already, not to mention the devastation you’ve all mentioned. We’d spoken about this issue before we’d got married. He confessed to having a problem as a teen. He had assured me it was done, it was in the past, he’d dealt with it. Unfortunately not, and as someone who has always had bosy confidence issues and was quite frankly surprised someone wanted to marry them this is almost like a death blow. It doesn’t help that Father’s Day is tomorrow which is always a painful time for me anyway. I’m so glad our daughter is asleep right now. Having had her I have been keenly aware of the changes to my body. I am not those girls, and I never can be, and I dont want to be, but this really hurts.

    Tonight we are setting up blocks on the computer. Then we need to start on the harder things.

    • Putting blocks in place will be a great first step forward. Keep in mind your husband may have the urge to get around those blockades, so he needs to make himself accountable to others about the temptations he is facing before those temptations turn into bigger problems. Does he have others he can talk to about this?

  50. Brenda, I still struggle. I go to counseling. My counselor said that I have some PTSD as a result of my experiences. i get very anxious and panicky around beautiful girls and when I see movies and things with gratuitous female nudity. I went to a support group and a few other women also say that their counselors told them they had PTSD symptoms. I have to say that I pray a lot, and I exercise regularly to clear my thoughts and to not obsess. It’s a lot of hard work to keep distracted and to only let positive thoughts about myself in and to keep the bad stuff out. Good luck.

  51. Thank you for this. I woke again hurting from another dream and this time in the dream I had to ask him to leave. I have been honest with my husband about the feelings you listed, but this is embarrassing for him. How could he ever care or understand when he’s using it to drug his own pains?

    • He most certainly is medicating himself if he has an obsession with porn. This is why he needs help, and ideally, that help should some from someone who isn’t you. You can support him in so many ways, but you should not be his counselor. He needs other men to come alongside him to support him through this, and to find those men he needs to be honest and seek out help.

      Are you going to a church currently? Are there any men in his life who are both good friends and wise individuals? Does he have someone he looks up to as a mentor in his life?

  52. I just read all of the list of people on here giving great advice! I myself am going thru the same thing, my husband of 4 years( we have been dating for 3 before marriage ) just told me 3 years ago that he himself was addicted to porn. My heart dropped! I am not happy with my body after having kids and gaining weight. Since then he claims he is not doing it anymore but his actions say other wise. I have tried to get him to go to Church with me knowing only God could get him thru this problem of his, yet he has only been 1 time in the last 6 months. He does not seem to want me sexually, like we just do not have that kind of relationship anymore, by telling me his sex drive is gone. I do not know what to do and he has lied to me a lot about not watching porn and then I have found out other wise. It is so hard for me to trust him and It seems to be a never ending battle. I love him and Do not know what to do. Just the thought of him doing what he might be doing and hiding it from me, kills me! Can someone give me some helpful advice? Thank you all so much!

    • What have you proposed to him about increasing his sex drive? I agree, it sounds like years of porn addiction have take their toll on him, and this might explain his decreased libido, even if he is not using porn anymore. The good news is, the trend can totally be reversed. What has he done to seek help about this?

  53. My husband has always had in insatiable sex drive. It has come between us at times. And it wasn’t until 8 years after marrying him that I discovered a porn addiction. He has lied to me so much about that and other things lately that I even think he may have had some interaction with other women either via internet, or meeting up with them. My heart loves him, and what I thought we had. How do I let go? He says he loves me and wants to work it out and that he will never do it again. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but how can I even stay when I have not one ounce of trust left for him. And I now have this image of myself in his eyes that is so ugly. And how could I ever possibly enjoy sex with him ever again when all I will see are those images and videos of other women that turn him on. I just want to evaporate :(

    • Hi Michele,

      What you are experiencing is sadly a common experience for many women. You are not alone in this struggle.

      There is a big difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is giving up the right to hold a grudge or seek vengeance. Trust is something earned by trustworthy behavior. Your husband has shattered your trust by his actions. By his actions he needed to rebuild your trust.

      I highly recommend you check out Dr. Doug Weiss’ books on this subject. He is actually giving away free chapters of his books on our website right now. He talks a lot about “believing behavior” not just believing what the addict says. Trust what your husband does to change. There is information in these chapters for him as well.

      I also highly recommend you find support for yourself. He is not the only one who needs help for his addiction. You need help as the one who has been traumatized by his sin. Do you have anyone in your area to talk to? Pastor? Counselor? Family? Friends? Find those who will stand by you and support your decision to have a zero-porn policy in your home and will give you the support you need.

  54. Luke, thank you. And yes I do have an amazing Pastor that I can counsel with. I have stepped out of counseling with my husband as a couple because I believe he needs individual help and guidance in his walk with God without me in the way. I will counsel separately too for now. Right I am battling far too many emotions to counsel with him as a married couple……anger, sorrow, defeat, anxiety, fear, insomnia, missing him……hating him……I’m sure you can imagine.

  55. I’m a newbie here. But my husband has been cheating with porn for 15 years and I just found out by accident. I’m torn apart and in agony.

    I’m all the things in the blog. I feel like all our sex life was a lie and I don’t know how to make it true again.

    • Hi profoundly hurt,

      I am so sorry about your discovery and your husband’s unfaithfulness. It is terrible feeling like your marriage is a lie.

      First, I encourage you to remember that many women have walked this road before you. This does not mean the road will be easier to walk, but it does mean there are women and couples out there who might be able to help you through it.

      What is your husband saying about this? How has he responded to this whole thing?

  56. This is one of the most selfish threads I have ever read. Watching pornography is not something that should be viewed often, but the majority of men that begin having difficulty with fulfilling their sexual needs will masturbate, which is perfectly fine and even healthy if not abused. Pornography can simply aid them, provided they don’t obsess over it. It has nothing to do with you. You think it’s because you’re not enough for him anymore or he wants to be with someone else. That couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re making it all about yourself. Men don’t tell their partners because they care about them and don’t want them to feel like you do now. It’s a private thing and unless it interferes with your sex life, you can leave well enough alone. Do you honestly think he would bat an eye if you did the same? And you can keep your stupid religion out of it. All it does is label natural things like masturbation as sin. If he can’t stop, then he needs help, but that’s it.

  57. WOWAnonymous Watcher! , you don’t understand women and you certainly have no compassion. Most women take their marriage vows very seriously. We cherish our families.and try to be good wives and mothers. We understand that there is a lot of temptation in the world, now more than ever, but that our love for our husbands and their love for us will keep us faithful and true.

    The shock of finding out that a spouse has been looking at porn is such an affront to everything we believe and invested in our relationships. We are devestated because we feel we have been betrayed. Our feelings of security are comprimised. Maybe some men think it’s no big deal and that they have a right to look at it like you seem to claim. Women view porn as using young women for sexual gratification with no emotion or feelings towards them other than satisfying their own needs. They are certainly not thinking of their wives and how they would feel. Now who is selfish?

    Another thing about women, right or wrong, is that we are always comparing ourselves to others. There are so many beautiful women and they seem to be everywhere. The media makes sure that men get their fill of sexy young things. in our hearts we believe that what they see is all eye candy but we are the love of their lives. Finding out that men are willing to sneak behind our backs to look at porn is telling us that they want others to satisfy their needs. It is going outside of the marriage for sex.

  58. My world has crashed down around me. I have known my husband for 11 years. While we were dating, there were problems that we needed to work through. While we were dating he did struggle with watching porn, and he also made some bad decision, creating inappropriate friendships with women. We worked hard to overcome our problems, or now looking back, it seems that I worked hard to. We have been married 6 years, countless times my husband has sworn to me on our marriage, on good that he no longer does those things. I just found out yesterday that he has been lying to me for our entire marriage, essentially our entire life. The porn never stopped. I am devastated. I never thought that I would have this life. I never thought I would have feelings of if I should leave my husband or not. The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. I cannot believe how disgusting all of the lies are. I would be out working out, and he would stay home to work on emails and work stuff. Turns out he was watching porn, and sending me lies the whole time, like “hope you’re having a great run, just working on some emails” The lies go so deep, he was so reckless with his choices. He broke us. What do I do? Do I stay? I am so afraid. I built my entire life around this man. I knew that there were red flags early on, but I never thought that this would happen. I feel like I am in a bad dream. I just need it all to end. Where do I go from here?

    • Hello Devastated,

      I am heartbroken reading your story. You are dealing with the double hurt of knowing your husband has been filling his mind with fantasy women and knowing your husband has been lying to you. This is a devastating moment for you, I know.

      You are right to acknowledge his sin as an evil thing. It is good you are not minimizing this. He needs to realize the same thing if you are going to move forward as a couple.

      Right now, you need a strong dose of truth to help you though this pain. There is hope in God: hope both for your marriage and for your own broken heart. The road might be a long one as you unravel the truth of his addiction to porn, but many women have walked this road and have found hope on the other side. I highly, highly recommend you watch this video series by counselor Brad Hambrick called True Betrayal. It is a wonderful series walking women through, step by step, the process of making sense of their lives after a sexual betrayal.

  59. Thanks for this article, was in tears when I read it. My husband and I had a great fight Saturday night over this issue. He said he can do what he will whenever he want and that I must go to bed if I don’t want to see it. He always do it when I am not in the room or went to bed earlier than him. Sunday I went to church, and I saw this morning that the whole three hours I was away he was looking at porn, usually teenagers, Its been going on for a long time now but this weekend was the first time ever I thought of leaving him. I just cannot live like this anymore. At this stage I cant do anything about it, my kids live with us after losing their job. I just pray that God will hold us through this and make us stronger people.

  60. Thanks Luke, yes it is devastating. And I know he will never admit that he have a problem or go for counseling. Its good to know I am not the only one that struggle with this. Thanks for the advice and stuff to read. Rather dont send me emails because he can see it most of the time, I will always come back here for some comfort and answers. Thanks so much for the help

  61. These are such tragic stories. I too have been through the sting of betrayal and am currently writing a book about it. I think everyone has to find their own way home but the support of others is so essential.

  62. I’m not sure what to do anymore I have been married to my husband for 3 years and we have two kids together I love him very much were both are Christians and saved but he Dosnt wanna try and live the life god whats us to anyways he lies to me about watching porn he keeps it form me I just wish he was honest he says it makes him happier then anything I have try so hard to make him happy but I feel like I fail all the time he calls me ugly when we fight and the kids are just too much for him also he been going on Craigslist at night while we’re in the same bed and searching for women if he really wants to cheat why hasn’t he already he always put me down in agruments but when I try and tell him how I feel he calls me a cry baby, I been praying and praying for god to point me in the right direction. Any advice we have two children. Also he makes me leave the house just so he can watch porn it’s not fair to my I enjoy sex with my husband but porn is in the way how can I approach him about it with Him getting upset and wanting to leave our marriage

  63. My husband and I have known eachother for 8 years, married 4. We almost divorced a couple years ago because of my husbands compulsive lying, porn, flirting, pot, etc. I know it seems far fetched, but I was hours.from filing for divorce when my husband really seemed to change. We have had a couple problems since then, but overall, our relationship has been great! I have always said that if I even had a clue that he was backsliding into his old ways, I would not let myself feel that pathetic again. I would divorce him immediately. Well….I’m feeling pretty pathetic, right row. I just found out he has been watching porn for a couple weeks. I knew something was off because of his almost rude behavior. I have spent these two weeks begging him to tell me what was going on. He replied with suggesting it was all in my head. Last night, I discovered the truth. He even chose to stay home sick the other day while I took our kids out for the day, so he could watch porn. We had sex when I got.home that day. I told him I was filing today, but I can’t seem to follow through. My 3 year old must sense something because he keeps insisting that I kiss Daddy. It breaks my heart. My husband is remorseful and wants to stay together, but he knows that I haven’t trusted him in years and he says I deserve the honesty he has such difficulty with. I know it’s not true, but I feel I will be the reason my family is torn apart if I choose divorce. I.love my husband and the life we created together, but I can continue to ignore awful he makes me feel. I also feel weak for not being strong enough to file like I promised myself I would. What should I do?

    • Hello Torn,

      My heart breaks for you and your family right now. I appreciate you leaving this comment.

      First, I want to preface everything with this statement: Getting advice through blog comments is probably not the best place for you to get information about whether you should make this life-changing decision. I trust you’ll take everything I say with a grain of salt.

      From what you told me, you said he was into porn a couple years ago, repented of his ways, and in the last two weeks or so has fallen back into the habit. He now says he wants to change again and desires to stay with you.

      Knowing nothing else about your situation, other than what you have typed, I would advise you to stay with him but to set some very clear boundaries. Divorce, as you know, is an ugly thing, even when it is necessary. If couples can stay together and work out their problems, though it may be painful and difficult, it is nearly always better than the pain of divorce (especially when all parties are considered).

      Boundaries: Setting these is critical. I highly recommend you read the following two articles to help you do this.
      - “When Love Has to Get Tough: 5 Steps for Wives of Porn Addicts
      - “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask” (especially part 3 where this issue is addressed specifically)

      I pray you will find the support you need right now. No matter what, in a time like this you need friends around you who will support and speak real wisdom to you.

  64. I’ve just learned that my husband has a porn addiction and I feel so betrayed. I’ve been dealing with depression after finding out I’m not able to have children and now this. I feel so worthless and don’t know how to go on.

    • I am so sorry to hear about this, Sophie. I know this seems like a very dark time in your life. Remember, the Lord promises to be near to those who call on Him in truth.

      First, do you have anyone in your life you can talk to about this: a close friend, family member, person at church, anyone who will listen and be able to give you some calm advice? This is not something you should keep a secret.

      Second, I highly recommend you watch these free videos. They are from a biblical counselor who does a great job helping women process the betrayal they are feeling after finding out something like this.

  65. Thank you so much for this beautiful and inspiring piece. I just found out that my husband has a porn addiction and have spent the last 3 days crying my eyes out from the betrayal. Your article has given me light and encouragement to proceed on and be the strong woman I am.

  66. Me and my husband were married about a year and Iwss about 4 months pregnant when I found out he was looking at girls on c-list, he said he was sorry and would stop, found out a couple months later he did it again when I talked to him about it he said he did looked at them with other guys’ like that was supossed to make it better! Its been three years now and I every once in a while I find out he is still looking at pictures and porn on his phone. He says he Is so sorry and hates himself everytime after he does it. I just have no trustb for him anymore and feel so ugly and un-attractive. I love him him so much and have been with him since I was 15 and married for 4 years. I’m just scared that he will keep looking or lead to cheating on me. He installed coventeyes on his phone but I’m still waiting on him to make it so I can see what he Is doing. I just hurt so bad and don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. He has lied to my face so many times.

    • Hi Heather,

      I’m so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like your husband is very drawn to pornography online. I’ve spoken with hundreds of women in your shoes, and it can be a very frustrating and frightening thing.

      What kind of phone does your husband have? Maybe I can help you to make sure Covenant Eyes is installed properly.

      Have you spoken to him about taking some steps to stop this. It sounds like he’s pretty casual about it and that he isn’t really doing anything proactive to make a change. Willpower alone will not cut it. He can’t trust himself to make the right decision in the moment. (I know because I used to be like him.) We have many, many articles here written for men to learn the steps they need to take to overcome this problem.

  67. Reading through the comments, I guess I was shocked to see so much support for men/husbands viewing porn because they are men and men have to ejaculate.
    I must disagree. My husband and I are Christians, been married since the late 1970s, and have several children.
    My husband has been addicted to porn since college, though I did not find out until 1998.
    Since that time, our marriage has been slowly crumbling mainly becuase of all the lies and deception that naturally happen when porn is secretly used by the husband.
    So tell me you men, what is a wife to do when a man is FIRED from his $250,000 a year job because of porn on work computer and work phone. I had told him many times that he was jepordizing his job–he would just scoff at me.
    He has been unemployed for 8 months now. All he does each day is watch TV and play solitaire on the computer.
    The decades of porn have compromised his initiative and drive and our marriage is in shambles. BUT we have to keep up appearances–he is looked up to at church and by his kids. I am screaming inside because I know the truth, but I dare not reveal it. Nearly 60 years old. Such a sad life–for both of us.

    • Hi Beverley,

      Thanks for sharing with us. I’d like to give you some advice here with the caveat that I really don’t know your situation very well. Take what I say with a grain of salt…

      First (I am firm in saying this part), your husband needs to get up off his butt, get a job, repent of his sin, and feverishly apologize to you for the hell he’s putting you through. He need to wake up and see how his love of porn is killing his soul and ruining his marriage.

      Second (and this is the part I’d like you to pray about), do not be afraid of the truth coming out about your husband. Of course, telling people needlessly is not good, but neither is keeping this a secret. If the secrecy is one of the shackles that keeps him in this sin, then it has to go. There is such a premium Christians place on confidentiality today, and it cripples the church. How can churches disciple the flock if secrets are kept——especially secrets like this?

      Is he still looking at porn? If so, then if I were you I would tell him that he needs to go to the spiritual leaders of his church and talk to them about it. If he refuses, then I would tell him that you will talk to them. Don’t let him self-righteously quote Scripture to you about not being a gossip or not slandering him. Your husband has sinned against you and if he refuses your admonition, then you should bring other members of the body of Christ into the picture to help him (Matthew 18). Even if he has stopped the porn temporarily: (1) he has not repented of his loveless attitude toward you, and (2) he has let porn rob him of his vitality as a man and has not reclaimed it. Even if he’s stopped the porn, it sounds to me (from my cursory glance) that he acting like a “dry drunk,” technically porn-free but miserable and lifeless, still locked in shame and lust.

      Plus, you keeping this a secret means you don’t get the help you need. If I were you, this would be eating me alive inside. You need to freedom to talk about this with spiritually sensitive and experienced counselors who can help you to pick up the pieces of your heart.

      I’d love to talk with you more about this. Let me know what you’re thinking.

  68. Dear Whoever May Be Reading This,

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to give up. I know I won’t, but I still want to. Growing up, I never thought I’d deal with this. I was a believe in true love. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, have eyes for only each other and live happily ever after. I was wrong.

    I’ve been on the other side of porn viewing. I’ve done it as a teen and I know what it can feel like. But I never had the problem after meeting my now husband. My focus was on him. I loved him. I was a virgin before him. I never engaged in any sexual activity. I never even made out with anyone. Automatically, I was at a disadvantage because he wasn’t a virgin and he had done things with a couple of girls before me. I overlooked it and dated him anyway.

    The first knife cut me the same week I gave my virginity to him when I found out not even a whole week later, he was looking at porn. That was my first lesson: I wasn’t enough. My first sexual experience…the day I gave myself to someone after waiting for that one special person…Apparently, I wasn’t that special myself. We moved past that and I thought after seeing me hurt, he would realize that wasn’t acceptable in our relationship.

    The second time was when I just found out I was pregnant with his child. I was sick all the time. It was all I could do to eat and sleep. I asked him after finding suspicious emails of his if he was looking at porn. He looked me in my eyes and told me I was beautiful and that he didn’t need that. I found out a few weeks later that wasn’t true. He had been watching porn the whole time, sometimes with me asleep in the other room. I felt sick and completely betrayed. And it was then I learned lesson two: Men lie.

    I never quite moved past that time, but I tried. And with time, it did get somewhat better. I started to genuinely believe that after seeing me broken this time, he was done for good. He cried and apologized. He tried to make up for what he did. I thought maybe I could try to put it behind me and begin to heal, though I never blindly trusted so easily again.

    And then brings us to the last time. During an argument about his secrecy with his online accounts and activity, it came out that he had been looking at porn again for months. I think this time it hurt me the most. My body is not the same after having our son. I don’t have the luxury of being sexy whenever, wherever. I’m Mommy now. I tried. I started opening back up after the last time. Wearing lingerie, being a little more vocal. I started pleasuring him orally again, out of love for him and not duty. I had stopped when I discovered the porn. And now I find out he’s been getting off to images and videos of other women while I’m giving myself to him all over again. Worst of all? He was doing this around the time we were getting married. My mind was focused on him. On us and our future. His was on beautiful women that I will never look like, no matter how much weight I lose. I felt so humiliated, thinking I was good enough. Wearing lingerie, thinking he might actually enjoy it. Enjoy ME. I can’t believe I actually thought I was sexy. I felt so stupid. Not too long ago, I learned the last lesson: I will never be able to feel safe or secure…not even in marriage.

    I have now shut down completely. We hardly have sex or relations at all. When we do, it feels meaningless to me. Sometimes I cry during, but I don’t let him see. One of the worst parts is I’m only 20 years old. If he’s already having to find other women to be interested in, what is it going to be like years from now? If I’ve already been through this much pain, what is my life going to be like years down the road?

    He claims he stopped. That he’s so sorry for what he did. That he doesn’t ever want to do it again. He’s trying to fix it. But I can’t find it in me to feel anymore. Because when I do, all I feel is pain. If I push it down inside and ignore it, at least I don’t hurt…

    The wound was opened back up today because he found out I was going through his phone and was asking me if I was okay.

    Well, I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I just got out of my teens and I already hate men. I hate women. I hate sex.

    Someone please help me. I can’t do this alone.

    • Dear Not Enough,

      I am so sorry to hear about what you husband has done to you. He has betrayed you with his lust and he should feel ashamed of himself for doing so.

      I’m worried most of all about you. The things you are saying to yourself are truths mixed with some lies, and I would hate to see you captured by those lies. Yes, it is true you cannot compete with porn girls, but not because there is something “wrong” with you. No one woman can compete with a harem of online women, especially when a man ha trained his mind on porn for years. There are men out there (myself included) to make it their aim that no matter what the world defines as beautiful, we are going to make our wives our standard of beauty. The problem is not with your body but with the lies your husband had fed himself about what beauty is.

      Online porn teaches a man:

      Sexy = totally customizable to what I want; totally clickable and changeable; no needs of her own; immediately responsive to me; doesn’t require me to actually be a man but makes me feel like one anyway

      There are no real women to measure up to this because its a false standard of sexy.

      I highly recommend you watch these free videos by Christian counselor Brad Hambrick called True Betrayal. They will really help you to sort through your feelings about this situation.

  69. I am in the same boat. I found my husband sneaking around, even waking up early to watch porn that he has pre recorded on a video camera. We have only been married for six months and I am two months pregnant. I feel so betrayed and his responses are that I made him do it and he is just an American Man. I cannot stop crying and am too embarrassed to tell anyone. All of my worst fears and insecurities are exposed and I feel completely alone. I dont want him to touch me and I dont trust him at all. I never wanted to be a single mother but, I don’t feel like I could ever trust him again. I asked him to give me some space for a while but her refused to leave and so now I am ousted from my own house. Being around him makes me so deeply depressed, I cannot stay there.

    • I am so sorry to hear about what your husband is doing to you, Jen. He should be ashamed of his attitude and behavior.

      Please, reach out to someone you know, or several people you know. You have nothing to be ashamed of in this. He is the one who is betraying you. You need support right now, and not just emotionally. If you don’t have friends to turn to, can you reach out to a counselor to talk? Use this website to search for a good Christian counselor in your area. Please, reach out and find someone you can talk to.

      Also, download this free booklet for wives in your situation. I hope it encourages you.

  70. I caught my husband looking at porn the first time on our home computer perhaps a year ago. He promised to stop. I found it this time on his phone. He tells me he loves me anx says he does not think of those images when we are together (which I do not believe) and he has always done his best to make me feel good about myself. He tells me the reason why he looks at it is to ‘relieve’ himself when I do not want to have sex. This just does not sound like a good enough reason to me. Aren’t I ever allowed to say no without the fear of him seeking something else??? He wants me to forgive and forget (of course!) but that is easier said than done. I do not trust him any farther than I can throw him. Sad to say, after 17 years oc marriage.

    • Hi Renee,

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this in your marriage. I hope you can find some answers here.

      First, tell me a little more about your situation. How often do you think he looks at pornography? You’ve caught him twice now, correct? What is your husband doing now to ensure that he doesn’t look at porn again?

      Whether your husband is or is not thinking about porn when he makes love to you is something only he can tell you. I looked at porn for years, quit about 6 or 7 years ago, and on occasion I still get flashbacks, but most of the time those flashbacks don’t come when I’m being intimate with my wife. Still, a lot of men struggle with an inability to have sex if they aren’t thinking about porn.

      You should not have to worry about your husband sneaking off if he can’t make love to you. It is a poor excuse for looking at porn. The sexual tension your husband is experiencing is biologically very normal: when he anticipates sex and gets revved up, his body will be looking for release. The answer, however, is not to lust after other women. There are a number of answers for him to address this: (1) Don’t anticipate sex to such a degree that you become sexually frustrated. (2) Communicate better with your wife about your desires and discuss how best to serve one another sexually. (3) Find a healthy energy-spending outlet that doesn’t involve lusting after women or masturbating.

      You might want to read this book, Porn and Your Husband. You can get a digital version of the book for free on our website.

  71. I’m not entirely sure where to begin, but here goes…
    My husband of a few years and I have always been irregular in intimacy. We recently began to rekindle our romance, and I was under the assumption everything was going great. I’ve told him throughout the years that we needed to work on our relationship and I thought he finally heard me.

    I found sexual searches from his history on his phone. I wasn’t intentionally looking for anything; he told me to get his phone and look something up for him. In the search bar, the history popped up and there they were.

    I went into a rage. I couldn’t believe that he did this to me. We have a two-year-old, and ever since I gave birth I’ve been embarrassed about how my body looks (I weigh 105, but I’m not as toned). By body definitely wasn’t what it once was. Finding this smut made me even more self-conscious, especially since we are trying to have a baby (I may be pregnant). He told me he “serviced” himself in the morning a few days ago (while we were getting ready for a family outing) in the bathroom. I’ve never had anyone hurt me as much as he. I’ve had numerous issues with men cheating (both virtual and physical) and I aired my grievances about this to him years before we got married. Well, he’s just another on the list that’s been unfaithful. I just don’t know if this is even worth it anymore. He said it was one time and he’s never going to do it again (seriously, is that the only line out there), but I don’t believe him. He feels remorse, but I know it’s only because he was caught, not because he knew it was wrong. Furthermore, all those women had “assets” that I don’t have, but he says that’s not what he’s into…well if you’re not into it then why are you looking at it and getting aroused by it?

    My main points to him include:
    -He made me look like a fool thinking that things were great
    -He did his business in broad daylight while we were all getting ready to spend time together
    -He promised he wasn’t “that guy” when we first met
    -He wanted to have another child with me, even though he’s secretly looking at other women
    -He made me feel horrible about my already shaky self- image
    -Most importantly, he disrespected himself, me, my daughter, and our marriage

    Is there any way to move past this without feeling resentment towards him?

    I just don’t understand why he did this. He is constantly telling me how his friends want to have what we have and they want to find a wife like me, and then he goes and does this.

    • It is very strange, but a lot of men can very easily compartmentalize these things. They see no contradiction between being in love with you, wanting to have a baby with you, and wanting to spend their life with you, but at the same time wanting to look at porn. In one sense, this compartmentalization makes sense because people, sadly, do this kind of thing all the time: they simply don’t see their marriage as the place where all their sexual energy will released. In another sense, this compartmentalization is ridiculous: what is marriage but a promise of exclusive intimacy?

      Is there a way to move past this? Yes. But really what is needed is a repairing of trust, and that will take both of you: it means him becoming trustworthy, and you becoming willing to give your trust again. Both processes take time. I recommend you download this book and read it from cover to cover. It’s a very short read, but it may give you some ideas about what to do next. (It’s free, by the way.)

  72. I found out my husband was looking at porn and was devastated. I also found that co-workers had sent images to his phone and he kept them there. The man I thought I had married was not who I thought he was. I also found out he lied to me about a number of things such as: being fired from jobs, not paying the bills, secret bank account, deleting text messages, etc. He made up stuff that was really bizarre and went and forged documents. My trust in him was shot because I trusted him. He was out for himself and I realized how much he really loved my daughter and I. I found out the lies about almost anything and everything went on for 5 years, we have been married for 7 years. I cannot trust a word he says, I always thought he had eyes only for me and now I question many things. I found out he lied about the past, WHO was the man I married? I still do not know. My marriage is on the rocks and we were near divorce but he wanted me to give him until April. It seems everyday is a battle, everything is a flashback. I can’t live like this and neither can he or our kids. We are going through marriage counseling as the last resort. Porn hurts and destroys. I always want to know the real reason he looked at it. Many men say it’s for the different women but my husband says it was not like that. It’s just a betrayal that your husband would look at another woman and it feels like they’ve cheated on you. I understand the images aren’t real but seeing another females naked body when you thought YOU were the only one they saw. It hurts, hurts really bad.

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