- Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
- Written By Luke Gilkerson
- Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts Back to Blog Home
Am I to blame for my husband's porn problem?
We talk to many women who are going through the heart-break of watching their husbands sink into the mire of porn addiction. This sensitive subject is only compounded when we hear how husbands actually blame their wives for their habit.
I had a conversation last year with Cindy Beall about this. Her husband (who is also a pastor) was entrenched in porn and eventually started flirting online with other women, leading to multiple affairs. Today, by God’s grace, their marriage has been restored and they have helped many other couples in crisis.
This is what Cindy said in our interview:
“As I talk to more men and women who’ve gone through similar struggles, I would find men with these full-blown addictions who were working through it, and maybe even recovering, who had the most drop-dead gorgeous wives. And you know, you’d hear people say, ‘Well, if she was taking care of him in the bedroom, then he wouldn’t be out there looking.’ That is the biggest crock I’ve every heard. Because I was available to my husband, and I’ve talked to more women who say they were available to their husband, and they still do it.” (Listen to the interview here)
Even if a man is married to an attentive, caring, vibrant woman, porn can still tug at his heart. Why? Because pornography is not about “sex,” broadly speaking. It’s about fantasy. It’s about lusting after what you cannot have.
The Sins of Fantasy
The Bible actually addresses this subject very specifically. Read Paul’s thoughts on this:
“[I]f it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, ‘You shall not covet.’ But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me.” (Romans 7:7-11)
Follow Paul’s logic here. First, Paul speaks about this principle of sin in the members of his body: a drive in him to disobey God. He then speaks of God’s law. He specifically mentions the tenth commandment: You shall not covet. The word translated “covet” is translated “lust” in many other places in the New Testament, because that is one of the primary forms of this sin: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife…” (Deuteronomy 5:21, emphasis added).
Paul’s sinful drive within him combined with this revelation about coveting produced in him an even greater lust, or as he says, “all kinds of covetousness.” It was as if covetous desire was laying dormant in Paul—asleep, dead. Then the command not to covet brought his sin to life, arousing the sleeping giant. The command, of course, promises life (“You shall walk in all the way that the Lord your God has commanded you, that you may live,” Deuteronomy 5:33), but our sinful drives use the command to stir up more lust within us.
This is the hot stove principle. Tell a kid not to touch the stove, and he wants to touch it all the more.
This is why “the other woman,” whether she is flesh and blood or pixels on the screen, pulls at a man’s heart. It isn’t because he has an inattentive wife. However obedient or disobedient she may be (look it up in 1 Corinthians 7:3), the man is responsible for his own covetous desires. No matter how much he may be sexually drawn to his wife, the sinful drive within pulls his thoughts toward the women he can’t have.
So what is the solution? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post.
So what do we women do? My husband keeps telling me it is not my fault and that I am beautiful, but I don’t look anything like the women he was looking at. I am falling apart and am sinking into deep depression. I do not know what to do. He tells me one thing, but does the other (saying that I am beautiful, but looking everywhere else). I do not understand, and need some help. Where can I turn for comfort (aside from God’s Word)?
Noelle Dunnan
@Noelle – I’m so sorry to hear about how your husband has brought pornography into his mind and into your marriage. I am reminded of stories of supermodels like Elin Nordegren or Christie Brinkley, who, by any of our cultural standards, measure up as “beautiful” women, but still their husbands run after other women or porn. Why is this? It is because it is the nature of lust: it always wants more.
That being said, many women feel their husband’s fixation directly reflects on them as a wife. If you visit our “Struggling?” page you’ll find some great links for women who need encouragement. Hope this gives you a step in the right direction.
Thanks. I forgot that even the beautiful women have problems like this… I am fighting for healing, but now I feel like if I mess up, even just a little bit, he will be back on the computer again. He told me I was partly responsible for him looking because I have not been giving him enough emotional stimulation. I have not been connecting emotionally because he has been distant (now I know why). How is this my fault?
A confused, and anxiety filled wife.
Noelle
@Noelle – This can be very frustrating because it is a cycle: he retreats to porn, becomes distant, you react with a similar emotional distance, he feels neglected, he turns more to porn. The only thing that really can break this sort of cycle is developing a pattern of honest conversation before things become emotionally difficult, at the first signs of distance or difficulty. At first this may seem nit-picky, but if you both agree to attacking the cycle itself over the long-haul, this will attack some of the root problems.
Of course, there must be a willingness to fully own what is yours and he to own what is his (in terms of sin), and for both of you to refuse to blame-shift. No matter how poorly someone has been treated, this does not give license to sin against them. As you sit down to talk with your husband, this is one of the “rule of engagement” that needs to be established: I will take responsibility for my own sin.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Feel free to peruse our blog for more articles and resources for wives.
Thanks Luke,
My husband and I have been talking and Christ is taking over the situation. I have forgiven my husband, he has forgiven me, and we have chosen to engage one another in our marriage rather than let the marriage die. We love each other. I don’t know if this could help anyone, but Jesus told us to Love each other as He loved us (not as we love ourselves, or how we think we should love them). I married an imperfect man, and my standards were too high. I am imperfect, yet Christ died to save me…I have to forgive and love my husband, no matter what may happen. I am not in denial, I still hurt and we move through and talk to each other freely when these feelings arise. We have a lot of healing to do. My main thanks to God is that my husband is seeking him again and that he wants to do do right by me. Thanks for all of the support.
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
He is God and he uses all things for good. Amen!
Noelle
I may be forgiving, but I would NOT be a pushover. There is a line you must walk for yourself and for your children.
@Katherine – I totally agree with you. Forgiveness does not equal trust. One of our authors, Mark Gaither, wrote an excellent post, “When Love Has to Get Tough,” which is all about not letting yourself be walked on. You might really like to read Laura Booz’s story on our blog. She has some great things to say about how God helped her and her husband through the most difficult time in their marriage.
Hi, I am really struggling with this situation. I have been married for 4 years now. My husband is wonderful in many regards, but he does ignore me. He ignores me emotionally because he would rather watch tv, play on facebook etc. then talk to me. He ignores me sexually too. I used to think he just wasnt into sex, and that was fine with me, but come to find out, he loves watching porn….so he DOES like sex…just not with me. I dont know if he has an affair going on too, there is no way to tell as he has a great poker face. He blamed me for him watching the porn because I was too inhibited in sex…and he prefers the uninhibited girls of youporn and uporn. I am wondering now why he chose to marry me, as I was a virgin, and perhaps he should have married someone a little less “inhibited” then if that is what he really wanted. I feel very used. I am kind of “over” it though, I guess I just have a thick skin from him ignoring me for 50 % of our married life. We do NOT have children. It is for this reason I am thinking of divorcing him. I am quite young and would like to have a family and a normal married life with a normal man with a healthy sexuality who respects marital boundaries or else, doesn’t take a vow he cant keep. I am a Christian and I have forgiven my husband. But I feel I am “done”, but a divorce would devastate my mom and me and my husband and his family, our nieces and nephews etc etc.
I can not imagine building a family with a man who I cant trust and who does not desire me sexually, even though, I know I am beautiful, desirable and slender. (his problem not mine, I know) I dont think I can have a baby with him, knowing that if he prefers porn to me now, how much will this increase if I do gain weight in pregnancy??
On the other hand, divorce is against God’s Law, and would be really really, devastating to our families
Julie, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. God’s word specifically addresses “lusting with your eyes…you have committed adultery in your heart”. Adultery is one reason a man or woman may divorce their spouse. I hope your husband has or will seek guidance from a trusting source, who has the wisdom regarding pornography, internet sex, etc. I hope for your marriage that he will choose to end all pornography use and flee from temptation. I also hope that the both of you can learn to be intimate, not just physically but emotionally. There is a great workbook by Laser regarding ways to heal broken marriages and what to do if you are looking to get into a healthy relationship.
I am not sure how you both are doing now, but I commend you for reaching out. And trust your intuition. You are a very wise young lady and I hope and pray that you can find the answers you need to move forward towards healing and happiness.
Alison