- Wednesday, April 14th, 2010
- Written By Ashley Weis
- Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts Back to Blog Home
Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You
I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”
Silence.
Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.
“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.
“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”
“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.
“There have been. Yes.”
I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.
When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.
Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”
“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”
Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’
Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.
I had to do something, but what?
Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.
My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.
People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.
Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.
After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.
For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.
Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.
The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”
It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.
Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.
I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.
I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.
Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.
I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.
. . . .
This article is by Ashley Weis. Ashley is the author of Exposed (to be released in September 2010) and More than Desire: Hope for Women in the Shadows of Pornography (to be released Spring 2011). You can read more of Ashley’s work on her personal blog or MoreThanDesire.com.
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How true this is! I asked my husband the same question many times after I discovered his addiction. I got the same silence. I felt the same heart break. I still ask the same questions. He now tells me that in all truth, I AM the most beautiful women in his eyes. And even with that, I STILL feel doubt, and will NEVER forget the pain of knowing there were times he compared me and found me failing.
Thank you for a motivational reminder of how true beauty is defined, and that God is the only one we need approval from.
God bless you.
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I’m eternally thankful for how the Lord has transformed my heart in the past 13 months. Prior to that, I didn’t have a clue as to what the beauty of a godly woman was being a slave to immorality…but that’s no longer the case. I’ll take a woman consumed by Christ over the filth this world portrays without a moment’s hesitation. I embrace my singleness right now, but I look forward if God would ever have me marry a woman whose beauty the world couldn’t hold a candle to. Continue to shine your light on the world Miss Weis, and I pray that more men would cherish beauty like yours. God bless you.
This hit very close to home for me. I’m not married, and one issue that’s keeping me from pursuing marriage is this problem.
Is it possible to marry someone who’s NOT the most beautiful woman in the world to me?
Of course, I think the answer is yes. But what happens in those moments when those questions come? What if I can’t truthfully say, “You’re the most beautiful person in the world”?
Marrying someone knowing this up front feels like cheating her out of something she deserves. But from my side, how do I change? Or do I just go into it knowing that I will have to change as I go along?
How could your husband have answered better? Should he have just told you not to ask? Should he have said up front that he’s having problems with this issue?
Suggestions?
I’m thinking out loud here – I know there are a ton of questions here. Thank you for sharing. I’m headed over to read more from you blog.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
Hey everyone, thanks for commenting. Thanks, Luke, for posting this.
To Dene — That night was truly one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I felt, the rejection, felt like it would reside in my heart forever. I never, ever thought I’d feel like my husband thought I was beautiful, much less the most beautiful woman in the world. But Dene, I have to say, your feelings of doubt will go away with time. It takes effort from both sides of the marriage, but it can heal. Obviously you’ll never forget the moment he said those words, but the way you look at that day can change. My life — and our marriage — has changed so much since then. The way we both see love and beauty has changed. And this had made such a difference. I believe you can have that same hope and healing. Time, time, time … but love heals wounds. :)
Justin — Thanks for sharing your heart. Lord, please bring a beautiful, godly woman into Justin’s life to complete him and become one with him.
Marshall – Great comment. So honest. Thank you for that. Here are my thoughts:
The woman God has waiting for you is without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world — for you. But here’s the thing … there is no MOST beautiful woman in the world. We are all beautiful — inside and out. Comparisons are not healthy, whether it’s a woman comparing herself to another woman or a man comparing his wife to another woman. We are individuals, each created to glorify God’s and highlight His beauty in our own unique ways. I am the most beautiful me. And the same goes for every person in this world. Your wife will be the most beautiful woman to you because beauty is more than looks. A wife is a treasure, a husband is a treasure. We grow old together, hold hands on the porch when our kids are old, and grieve when the other dies first. We love beyond appearance. So, yes, it’s possible to truthfully say to your wife, “You are the most beautiful person in the world.”
We just need to think about our definition of beauty and ask God to give us a pure, healthy view of true beauty. We can’t look at beauty through the world’s eyes, it must be through God’s.
If we are all honest, women and men, we know there are other attractive people in the world. To compare ourselves and put ourselves on scales with someone above us … it’s not how God sees us, so we shouldn’t see ourselves or others this way.
My hubby couldn’t have answered better at that time, because he was being honest. Because of his porn addiction he had an impure, worldly view of beauty. He has changed since then. When he tells me now, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” I believe him. Because I know that he’s talking about more than my hair and eyes and physical traits that will fade as we grow old together.
The night I asked my husband this question I was the one in the wrong. Yes, he didn’t understand the fullness of true beauty at that point, but I was looking for him to validate my worth and beauty, instead of seeing that through God’s eyes. I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have needed to, but I was insecure and hurting after finding out about his addiction.
We have both changed since then. Having an understanding of true beauty, love, and pure intimacy has made a huge difference. So … that is my advice to you … discover the beauty of seeing people beyond the surface. Know that when you meet your future wife you will not have to lie in order to say, “You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.” Yes, there are other beautiful people in the world and if we wanted to place ourselves on rating scales we could, but we choose not to … because we know that beauty is so much more than the surface. God proves that by being the most beautiful thing and not even being visible to our eyes. :)
Hope that helps a little!
Thanks so much, Ashley, for such an in-depth response. I appreciate it.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
Thank you for this beautiful article. As a wife who has always been too scared to ask this question, I felt your pain as I read this. Thank you for focusing on the truth of beauty and God’s beauty in each of us.
Ashley,
When I was young, and the only daughter of my mother, she doted on me often.I had aqua blue eyes and deep auburn hair. She worked for over an hour each time she did my hair into very long pencil curls. I was truly blessed by having such a loving mother. She also was a strong Christian, and she knew beauty was vain. As my mom did my hair, she would often tell me I was beautiful, but I should never consider it in such a way, that it would overshadow the more important things in life. She’d tell me to never let any vain comment about my beauty……..go to my head. She must have said it enough to me growing up, because it still hasn’t gone to my head.
I have been married for more than 4 decades, and in the last yr I have learned
of my husband’s secret “pastime.”
Looking back my mother prepared me for these times, by always making sure I understood where “real” beauty comes from, and it is not what we see in a mirror.
Our beauty is reflected from our soul’s mirror.
She taught me to have strong character, deep goodness. The virtues that are lasting, even now as my hair turns white, and wrinkles come.
Being taught, that Everyone in the World, are equal, in the sight of God.
I am not impressed much by titles, nor wealth, nor beauty. I look at it this way.
No matter who we are, we all die, and return to dust, and in 100 yrs. we will all LOOK the same. We all return to our maker, where the only beauty, in his eyes, are measured by our love for his Son, and if we have believed and excepted Christ as our Lord.
I never have felt, that I have been less, than the women, he has lusted for.
Remember, that song by Helen Reddy, I AM WOMAN…….I am strong.
I know WHO I am in God, and my husband’s sins belong to him, and I am not the reason, he has failed me, or God. He owns all it, alone.
If God would give me a choice……..that I could be the most beautiful woman in the World, and be separated from God, or be the most ugly, and have God’s
love, grace, goodness, and glory, in my life…………I’d say,
“Bring on the warts !!!”
Once, in a phone therapy group, one wife, said, she opened up one of the porn sites her husband had viewed, and the only thing she came away with, was the fact, that all of the porn women, seemed to be driven, by demon spirits.
So let them, have their looks, their bodies. I only feel pity and sorry for them
when they will be judged. Their vanity will do nothing……..then.
Remember, we live in a shell, it is our Spirit, that resides inside us, and that Spirit is inside every soul, beauty has no value. We are eternal, so none of
us, will keep these “shells.”
God is so wonderful and so GOOD to me, and He tells me…. I am of value,
everyone is. I really dwell, on the fact, that I know his complete goodness and faithfulness. It is deeper now, so much deeper, my thankfulness, that I know
His truth, his perfectness, when I put it up against, the sin that my husband
has done. It just makes God even more dear to me.
Would any one of us, really want, to be one of those women, in any of those
videos or pictures ???? God forbid !!!!!
This has been written, in memory, of my mom. I love her more today, than yesterday. I am in my 60′s now, and I so admire her and how she taught me and passed on the greatest Love of her life, Jesus. What a priceless gift. She helped prepare me, for the devastation, that has come into my life, 50 yrs
later. Little did she know that……….but God……DID. Thanks God, You really do love me.
Because He Lives, I can face tomorrow.
Annette
p.s. Happy Mother’s Day Mom, I miss you so much. I will always be
indebted to you. You were the first person to tell me about Jesus and
His love for me. You were a wonderful mother.
Annette…..
Incredible! There is no other world to describe how I felt after reading you comment.
Praise God! That even in your 60′s God is renewing and restoring you into a new women with a new purpose. A purpose to minister a new thing.
Thank you for sharing.
As I have gone through my own battles God has so blessed me with TRUE Joy. If I could collect all the tears I cried out to God in a bottle and use them to heal so many women from the pain. The pain that causes them to see themselves lesser then the way God sees them.
Be Blessed my dear sweet sister, as you are one of the most beautiful women God has designed for an incredible purpose.
Rose
Annette — that was truly beautiful. Thank you for that!
If a man does not look at pornography, then he can truthfully say to his wife “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” because she will be the “only” woman she has ever seen. That is the way God created it to be.
I’m certainly not the most beautiful woman in the world. I’ve always had an “odd” slightly asymmetrical look, since I can remember, and while I don’t break a mirror, since high school I’ve known that I was well ‘down’ on the lists of beauty.
It’s always been interesting, knowing this. There is the basic, biological desire to try to be and look like the ‘alpha female’ – ie beautiful. But there’s also the knowledge that it will never happen. And through that came acceptance.
My husband loves my smile, my personality, my bubbliness, my generosity, my .. um, stuff I’m not supposed to say here. They’re all a part of me. And these are all a part of a woman’s beauty. Physically, yes there are many women he could name who are more beautiful than me. But that’s OK. It’s me he picked, and whom he fell in love with. I’m cool with that.
After all, we can’t ALL be the most beautiful girl on earth.
(Sorry this wasn’t much of a Christian reply.)
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