Rebuild Your Marriage
Rebuild Your Marriage 3 minute read

Living with an Unrepentant, Porn-Abusing Husband: Advice to Weary Wives of Addicts

Last Updated: April 10, 2015

A woman recently asked a challenging question in response to my article, “My Husband Is Having an Affair with Pornography, What Should I Do?”—in which I counsel a tough-love approach to sin. She asked, “What would you do if you have basically been this route before and the spouse did not follow up or follow through with his promise. Stay in the marriage or leave?

It’s not an easy question to answer. I address the issue from a theological standpoint in the article, “Is Pornography Scriptural Grounds for Divorce?”—concluding that divorce is not the biblically sound response. So, my short answer to her question is, “stay in the marriage.” However, if you are a woman stuck in this situation, I do not recommend remaining passive. While the Bible does not counsel divorce, the marriage is far from okay. Viewing pornography is not the same as adultery—at least not technically. Regardless, women suffer the same humiliation and endure the same feelings of betrayal. (See also, “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?”) Consequently, you cannot simply pretend the marriage is intact, despite what your husband claims or what well-meaning advisers tell you.

While it’s not your place to change your husband or try to rouse his dead conscience, you can continue to allow the consequences of your husband’s sin to fall upon him. However, this can be a delicate matter and it must be handled with wisdom. Otherwise, you can cause more harm than good. Your husband ultimately answers to God, so you cannot—and must not—become his Holy Spirit. Nor can you become a means of behavior modification. “Tough love” does not try to control or coerce another person; it merely rejects sin and declares how we will respond to future wrongdoing. Instead, you must shift your focus away from any hope of his changing and decide how you are going to coexist under the same roof while he persists in his sin.

Here are several practical suggestions:

  1. Accept your husband’s refusal to change as a sad fact of life as you set your eyes on Christ, follow Him steadfastly, answering only for yourself, and faithfully praying for your husband’s restoration. Neither keep his dirty little secret, nor make it a source of shame. Only those close to you need to know anything.
  2. Remain true to your feelings and express them authentically, yet without sin. If you’re angry and resentful, communicate how you feel with as much (or little) emotion as you want; just avoid name-calling, verbal abuse, shaming, or insults. If you find sex with him repulsive, kindly refuse his advances without causing shame and offer a simple explanation of your genuine thoughts. If you feel hypocritical sitting with him in church or supporting his career, make the necessary adjustments without drawing attention to the changes or adding drama to an already difficult situation.
  3. Meet regularly with a strong, mature, godly, discreet woman you trust, and let her be the sounding board for your fury and anguish. Discuss everything with her and remain open to her counsel as you make decisions. Her primary role is to help you avoid any hint of coercion or control in your behavior, to help you make godly, wise decisions, and to remind you to take responsibility only for yourself.
  4. Speak honorably of your husband with the children (if you have any), including adult children. Follow momma’s advice: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Avoid sarcasm, passive-aggressive insults, and disrespectful behavior. Tell them only what they need to know: “Daddy and I are having a hard time, but I’m committed to our marriage, and we both love you more than anything.”
  5. Do not respond to his attempts to blame you for his sin, and do not reply to his excuses. If you say anything, limit it to a simple, clear declaration of truth. Something like, “Your sin is your choice.” If he continues, calmly leave the room.
  6. Avoid trying to shame him into repenting. As long as he’s focused on what you’re saying, he will be distracted from what the Lord is saying through his own conscience. The less you say gives him more opportunity to wrestle with the truth.
  7. Conduct yourself honorably and give him no opportunity to blame you for anything. And—this is HUGELY difficult—take full responsibility for anything you have done wrong; apologize sincerely without excuses or minimizing; empathize with the pain he feels as a result of your wrongdoing; and resolve to do better in the future. This feels terribly unfair, given the fact he won’t repent, but it will help you immensely. It reduces the drama in your conflict, leaving him less distraction from his own sin. It keeps your conscience clear as you right the wrongs you (along with everyone else) have done and continue to live honorably before God. And it models the behavior your husband must choose.

Let’s face it: your situation is tragically unjust and deeply hurtful. Under these circumstances, God does not command us to pursue what is fair; He calls us to do what is right. We must surrender fairness, allowing Him to make things right in due time. Eventually, He will reward your trust in Him. In the meantime, pursue life as a godly woman without the benefit of a Christ-like, servant-leader husband. At least for now, that is what you are.

  1. Marie

    This is awful advice. Pornography is not just marital unfaithfulness, but much of it includes lesbianism, sodomy, rape and violence against women. To allow this kind of evil in any home, especially with children able to find it, is not being a biblically accountable Christian.

    The key word in the title of your post is “unrepenant.” If a spouse demonstrates a consistent pattern of not being able to repent, there is no reason to believe that person is saved.

    1 Corinthians 7:15 clearly explains that a genuinely saved Christian is not in bondage to an abusive unrepenant unbeliever.

    I highly recommend Jeff Crippen’s blog, A Cry for Justice which thoroughly explains what depart means in that verse. It is not a geographical departure, as few abusers ever leave, but a departing and forsaking of the marriage covenant.

    It is high time the church stop making excuses for wolves in sheep’s clothing who demonstrate a reprobate mind. So many women and children’s lives are ruined because pastors and churches can’t deal with the fact that many of their members are unregenetate devils.

  2. Been There

    So when a man is so engrossed in porn that he can not be a physical husband to his wife, it is not grounds for divorce??? Are you kidding me???

    I waited for SEVENTEEN LONG YEARS for my husband to make PERMANENT changes in his habits.

    I am tired of having every holiday ruined, every anniversary ruined, every birthday ruined with the knowledge that SOONER OR LATER I will find more evidence of BETRAYAL on his computer.

    We tried counseling, talked to THREE preachers, I installed K-9 on all the computers.

    But you know what? If man wants to find filth bad enough, he will find a way.

    Imagine always waiting for the other shoe to drop AGAIN and realizing you are married to a centipede. TOO MANY shoes dropping will kill any marriage. This is NOT what God wants for my life.

    If YOU want to live with an habitual porn addict GO FIND ONE!! I will not waste another minute of my life wondering when he will betray me again!!

    I would say God bless you but I would rather say God, give this man a clue!!!

    Been There

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related in Rebuild Your Marriage

Editor's Picks

A woman praying with her Bible.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How To (Biblically) Lament Your Husband’s Pornography Use

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I…

3 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Happy couple at the beach.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Through Boundaries

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s…

5 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Happy family of six.

Rebuild Your Marriage

From Secret Addiction to Full Transparency

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

Phil Robertson discussing The Blind with Covenant Eyes.

Rebuild Your Marriage

4 Reasons You Should Watch “The Blind”

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the…

4 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A mother with her teenage daughters.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How Porn Shattered My Life: A Betrayed Partner’s Perspective

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending…

5 minute read

Read Post

Editor's Picks

A picture of Dave and Ashley Willis.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Porn Counterfeits Naked Marriage: With Dave and Ashley Willis

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

3 minute read

Read Post

Related in Rebuild Your Marriage

A woman praying with her Bible.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How To (Biblically) Lament Your Husband’s Pornography Use

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I…

After I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, I was devastated. As I processed my grief, one of my dearest friends posed this question to me: “What did you lose when your…

3 minute read

0 comments

Happy couple at the beach.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Rebuilding Trust in Marriage Through Boundaries

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s…

In situations where a marriage has been affected by pornography use, it’s common for one person to feel responsible for the healing process, while the other doesn’t take enough responsibility. This dynamic can lead to…

5 minute read

0 comments

Happy family of six.

Rebuild Your Marriage

From Secret Addiction to Full Transparency

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon…

After being married for eight years, I came home unexpectedly one afternoon to find out that my husband had a pornography addiction. I was defeated, brokenhearted, and overwhelmed. I was a young, stay-at-home mom with…

4 minute read

0 comments

Phil Robertson discussing The Blind with Covenant Eyes.

Rebuild Your Marriage

4 Reasons You Should Watch “The Blind”

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the…

The Covenant Eyes Podcast team recently made the trip DEEP into the heart of Louisiana to meet with Phil and Kay Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame, and to talk about their new movie, The Blind.…

4 minute read

0 comments

A mother with her teenage daughters.

Rebuild Your Marriage

How Porn Shattered My Life: A Betrayed Partner’s Perspective

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending…

I was 36, married for 15 years, serving in our Church, attending life group and sending our girls to a Christian school to help raise them in the ways of the Lord. I thought pornography…

5 minute read

4 comments

A picture of Dave and Ashley Willis.

Rebuild Your Marriage

Porn Counterfeits Naked Marriage: With Dave and Ashley Willis

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters…

What is “naked marriage” all about? We sat down with popular podcasters Dave and Ashley Willis to find out, and we learned an important message about God’s design for sex and how porn counterfeits it.…

3 minute read

0 comments