• Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
• Written By Luke Gilkerson
• Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts
Back to Blog Home

Porn in Marriage: Dealing with a Lying, Unrepentant Husband

Recently we received a comment from a woman whose husband uses pornography. She wrote:

Does anyone know of any resources on dealing with the lies and manipulation around this issue? My husband and I have been married for over 4 years, and he has struggled with this for more than 10 years. After catching him countless times and going to counselor after counselor, he manipulates most of them (including the current one), insisting that it really isn’t a problem, that I am “crazy” for the pain and anger I feel, and that since he apologized before (though he continued to act out), that this is all he needs to do, and it’s my fault that I haven’t forgiven him and our trust isn’t fixed yet. I’m struggling with staying in the marriage when I can tell that he is not “broken.” Me finding proof doesn’t seem to matter when he just lives a lie to everyone else, making me out to be the one with the “real” issues. The issue just seems to keep getting bigger and more complex, and I’m getting worn out trying to stay with his unrepentant heart. Any advice is welcomed as the videos, articles, and radio talks here have been so helpful.

- Tired in Chicago

Dear Tired in Chicago,

Thanks for your question. No doubt many wives are hurt just as much, if not more, by the lying and manipulation around this issue. I won’t pretend to understand the pain you are experiencing, but I do know that many women can identify. You are not alone.

No doubt your husband needs to be confronted with the gravity of his awful deception. A good counselor ought to be able to see past his maneuvers (if he goes for more than one session), but from your description, it sounds as if he is a good manipulator.

The best advice I can give is to reach out for help from those who have been there or have experience with this problem.

You may want to visit a counselor personally so they can help you work through some of this pain and help you formulate a plan for how to successfully confront your husband. For good Biblical counseling go to NANC.org to find a counselor in your area. For a more secular approach, visit AASECT – The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

You might just want to talk over the phone with someone who understands and can give sound advice. The ministry of Faithful and True has phone coaching groups for women. They are an excellent ministry with years of experience in this issue. In addition, you can try the phone ministry of the Heart to Heart Counseling Center, a group that has helped many, many women.

You might also look into joining an online forum, to talk to others who have been through similar situations. New Life Partners is a Christian group dedicated to offering support to wives. Their website is full of recommended reading, testimonies, and online resources. Another forum, PornAddictHubby.com, is very similar, also full of good resources.

For good reading, go to PureIntimacy.org and read “What to Do When a Spouse Refuses Help.” There are a number of good articles on this website geared for women in your situation, and there are a number of articles from which your husband could benefit. You might also like Meg Wilson’s book, Hope After Betrayal, or Debra Laaser’s Shattered Vows.

I hope this helps, and I pray your husband is granted the grace of repentance.

In His Grip,

Luke Gilkerson