About the author, Jessica Harris

Jessica Harris is the founder of Beggar’s Daughter, a ministry dedicated to walking with women who have an addiction to pornography. Telling her own story of porn addiction and struggle with lust, Jessica seeks to help other women find hope, healing, and grace. Jessica shares resources and insights from her own journey on the Beggar’s Daughter blog and occasionally travels and speaks on the topic of female lust addiction and how churches can minister to women who struggle. She resides just outside of Washington DC where she works as a teacher and serves on the Biblical counseling team in her church. She is the author of Love Done Right: Devos - A Journey From Lust into the Love of God.

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Your Brain on Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Watching just 5 hours of porn has been proven to significantly change people's sexual beliefs and attitudes. Find out 5 distinct ways that porn warps your brain, as well as 5 biblical ways to renew your mind and find freedom.

29 thoughts on “Porn Is a Co-ed Sin (A Message to Women)

  1. So I am a 17 year old Christian girl who is really struggling with lust and pornography. I am terrified to talk to anyone because all I hear my other girl friends say is how can guys watch pornography? They say that is just wrong and gross. I feel so ashamed and so guilty after everytime I watch it. My body yearns for the sexual fulfillment that pornography brings. There are times when it is easy to ignore, but there are also times when it is almost impossible to resist looking at the computer screen. I can’t bring myself to talk to any woman in my life about it because I know I will be judged and they won’t understand. I don’t know of any girl my age struggling with this and I feel so alone in my struggle.

    • Kristen,

      I totally understand, and no, you’re not alone! I’m exactly like you, 17, a girl struggling with porn, and very much trapped. The girls at my church are clean cut, godly, and grossed out by sex easily and I don’t know how to admit to any of them that I’m struggling with it. I recently have divorced myself from it, but I don’t know how long I’m going to be “clean” before I fall back down again. I know there are accountability groups on the Internet, but it’s different from talking to your friends about it. I feel like I’ve lost their trust, and they’re not even aware of any of this.

      On another note, the only person I’ve ever told was this one man at a rehab center who then proceeded to tell me that I was the one person who understood him the best. I think it was probably the most eye opening thing that anyone has ever said to me.

  2. Kristen,

    I assure you that you are not alone in this struggle. I get e-mails from girls like you every week and they all say the same thing. We all believe the same thing. You are welcome to e-mail me if you would like to talk. I have some materials I can send you, just use the contact form on my website. beggarsdaughter.com

    I would love to talk with you!

    Jessica

  3. I struggled with masturbation for over 7 years and porn for about 5 years, growing up as a pastor’s kid. I got so used to masturbation and pornography that it became a habit and I knew it was wrong but I never listened to that voice that told me to stop. There were times I thought I had fully repented only to go back to the same thing a few hours or days later. Through all those times I had wished that someone would help me to stop, that someone would understand my struggles. I had kept everything hidden for so long. One day I had “repented” of my sins again and finally thought “This is it. It’s time to stop all of this.”, but then a few hours later I indulged myself in masturbation and porn again. A few hours after this, this great wall of guilt crashed into me. I had never felt such guilt before as I had then. I told God I had had enough. I asked Him to pull me out once and for all. I went to some friends that I had trusted not to condemn me, and they were accepting of my situation and urged me to take accountability and to tell a trusted adult. I ended up telling my mom about the porn problem, but up to this day I haven’t told her about my masturbation problem. The day I told my mom was on a Sunday. On that Sunday I went up to the altar and repented of my sins and all that I had every done to hurt God. I knew I was sincere this time. It’s been nearly a year since that day I turned my back on porn and masturbation. Praise be to God! I’m never going to turn to it again. It is true though that “Women are not trapped by pornography as much as they are trapped by the fear of breaking free.” as you have said. I am now 13 and free from years of addiction to porn and masturbation. Thank you for what you are doing to help those that are struggling with porn and masturbation. It would have been nice to find out about you a few years earlier :) :) God bless.

    • What happened to trigger lust in a five year old girl? In retrospect I suppose I have always been attracted to girls, at least since the second grade, but I thought girls were not so easily aroused as boys. I have a daughter and I have no idea if she has struggled with this. She has always thrown herself into schoolwork and maintaining a high GPA and is now married. My interest is if there might be a time bomb in her marriage. For sure we watched a lot of Hollywood movies and I remember her saying some of them I thought were reprehensible were “not so bad.”
      Sincerely,
      David Parker

  4. Pls I need help. Am 21. It all started wen I read a novel sme yrs ago describing masturbation and then I started masturbating and then sme yrs l8ta I came across a porn movie. I have struggled for 8yrs now not having the courage to speak to any one about it. Am a leader in my fellowship I know av failed God. When I pray and ask God to forgive me I think I have repented but I’ll end up going back to my sins. I know its wrong. I really want dis to stop. I want to be pure in heart. I want to be sincere in my christainity. Pls I need ur help.

    • Chidinma,

      Thank you so much for your honesty. I know that this is a hard struggle. I really want to encourage you to tell someone you are struggling. I know that is such a scary thought, but there is freedom in confessing to someone. You already have found that confessing to God is not necessarily enough to help you stay on track. As Christians, we need each other- we need to be honest with each other. I encourage you to pray that God would bring you a woman of God you respect who you can tell. I actually wrote about this recently on my site.

      I truly encourage this as a next step for women. It is such an important step. I also highly recommend the resource Sexual Sanity for Women. It is a fantastic Christian resource written by women for women. I did it myself as an individual study but it would work great in a one-on-one or group setting.

      I will be praying for you!

  5. I’ve been struggling masturbation. Before it was with porn. Thank God I am free from porn but I still masturbate. I can’t see it much as a sin I do not feel guilty like when I used to watch porn. I feel relief but now I’m dating and I can’t seem to have pure thoughts nor stop masturbating we almost had sex once and on skype I masturbated seeing his genital. I do not have hope anymore it started since I was 9 and now I’m 23. Can I really be set free? Someone please help me!

    • Hello, Julie,

      Thank you for writing here. Obviously, I only know what you have told me, but the first thing that pops in my head reading your comment is “Boundaries.” It does not sound like you and your boyfriend have any and that is dangerous for anyone, even moreso for someone who actively struggles with lust. I will tell you what I tell any young woman in a relationship who has a similar story: it might be time to give the relationship a break.

      Is the relationship the primary issue? No. The primary issue is your own struggle. However, from what you have said, this relationship is an issue. It is obvious that this young man has either low self-control or very little concern when it comes to your purity. That is a problem and I fear that if you continue down this road, you will make choices you will regret.

      I would encourage you to call things off with him so you can take the time you need to find healing without being distracted by whatever he’s doing. That has to come first. Then, set down some healthy physical and emotional boundaries for relationships.

      If you have any other questions, you can contact me on the site. I will be praying for you!

    • Thank you so much for your reply! For being fast in responding…but I guess there is a problem with me…He tries very hard to keep me from doing wrong things. Yet I keep pushing him. Second, he is in a defferent country, we pray together, fast, but not always we are strong enough. I want to marry him so much and get over this issue of having these urges and not being able to satisfy them… :x

  6. Julie,

    I still believe it is important to establish boundaries, regardless of who is pressuring who. If you are not going to call off the relationship, then I think it is important that you both involve someone else you are accountable to.

    I do want to caution you that marriage will not solve your problem. It is a common myth that getting married will solve your struggles with lust. I have heard from many married women who still struggle with pornography and masturbation in their marriage. It is very important that you get this settled before you get married, because marriage will not fix it, and if you expect it to, you will only get frustrated, which will actually hurt your marriage. There is a webinar here on the Covenant Eyes blog where two married women and I talk about that. You can listen to it here.

  7. It’s a relief to know that there are other christian women out there going through a similar situation as mine. I was introduced to porn at the age of 15 and masturbation followed suit after. I am now 22 but unfortunately have not been able to break free. I am an active member in my local church, a leader in the praise and worship team. My secret vice has brought me social anxiety, low self esteem and depression. I am often left feeling inadequate, unlovable and sometimes suicidal. Coming from a third-world country, it has been close to impossible to find someone who fully understands to confess to. I tried confession with a friend and even wrote to my pastor but it has been a matter of time before I spiraled back to the sin. I would be glad to link up with this community of girls in the same battle as mine, regardless of location for I believe we are in the same journey to heaven. Thank you.

    • Ilhah,

      Thank you for being so honest about your struggle. I’m very sorry that you are dealing with so much. I have a few thoughts for you. I obviously, do not know everything surrounding your situation, so take that into consideration when I say this. If you believe you are struggling with depression, I encourage you to talk with a counselor. Even if you are not sure that it is specifically depression, there is still value in sharing our struggles with someone who can help us. There are many female Christian counselors out there who I am sure would be happy to talk with you. You say you are from a third world country, do you still live in one? I just got back from the Philippines, and spoke a few times while I was over there, you might be surprised with how prevalent the struggle is and how much women do want to help each other overcome this. I often get e-mails from women in Asia especially, probably because of the combination of the shame culture as well as the poverty. It’s a fatal mix.

      If you are in the States, I encourage you to find a Christian counselor and to grab a copy of “Sexual Sanity for Women.” It is a great resource, written by women, for women who struggle with sexual sin.

      I also want to challenge you that confession is not the same as accountability. I think you have noticed that in your journey. You confess but then find yourself spiraling back down, which can make things even more shameful because then you have to confess again. Accountability is different because it says, “This *is* a struggle for me. This *is* a battle I am currently fighting and I need someone to walk with me and help me keep fighting.” So many people get the two confused and don’t understand the power behind an accountability relationship. I would encourage you to establish one. Maybe with your pastor, or with a counselor, or with a good friend. I have a whole series about this on my blog:

      http://beggarsdaughter.com/tag/accountability-101-series/

      If you want to join a community of women, even online, who share your struggle, I think you can find such a community at Dirty Girls Ministries. I still encourage you to seek out someone face-to-face who can be a support for you.

      Praying for you.

  8. I’m 16 years old and I’m struggling with porn. At first I thought it was ok to masterbate every once in a while because teenagers have raging hormones and all. But now I’m starting to see that it really is sinful and I feel disgusted with myself after each time. It’s worst because of the subject matter. Will god forgive me for having such bad thoughts and masterbating every day?

    • Angel,

      Our God is a forgiving God and sympathetic toward our temptation. Throughout Scripture we find Him extended mercy and grace to those who have fallen short. In fact, we all have.
      I want to be careful because I don’t know the condition of your heart. I know God can and does forgive, can and does restore.
      I want, instead, to speak to your struggle. It can be easy to get caught in a cycle. Fall, feel guilty, plead for forgiveness, rinse and repeat. We get stuck in that and may think that this is how it has to be, and it isn’t. I don’t think God wants us stuck in this cycle of sin. In fact, I believe He wants to give us the strength to walk in freedom. What we sometimes are guilty of is falling, looking up at God as if He is some disproving Father, and saying, “Sorry, I’ll try harder next time.” So, off we go, trying harder next time, and then we fall and start the whole thing over again. Why can’t we be stronger? Why can’t we beat this? Why can’t we get a grip? And we beat ourselves up because we think God wants to beat us up and we’re just saving Him the trouble.
      That’s not the case, though.
      It’s worth noting, that in Scripture, when it comes to battles with sin, especially our thoughts, we are told to take every thought captive. To whom? Not to us, not to ourselves, because our restraints are weak, and we might capture that thought for a bit, but it will eventually break free and wreak havoc. Instead, we are told to take every thought captive to Christ. Essentially, when bad thoughts creep in, we grab them and drag them to Jesus and ask Him to deal with them. And that’s where so many of us can get the battle of the mind wrong. We feel guilty when a lustful thought creeps in. We feel like we have sinned when we have a sexual dream. We feel guilty when a man walks by us on the street and we notice that he is attractive. It can make us live lives afraid of how God made us. Lives riddled with guilt about our bodies or our desires. We can feel defective.

      But having the thought is not the sin. The sin is when we entertain it, when we make room for it, when we make time for it, instead of dragging it to the feet of Jesus and asking Him to help us. It is not the thought we need forgiveness for. It is the choice to continue to focus on it, to dwell on it, to invite it in, and feed it. That is where the trouble is.

      So again, I don’t know your heart, but I know God’s, and He is a God who forgives and extends grace to us. He walks this road with us and asks us to come to Him for wisdom and it says He gives it to us liberally. If you are in that place of beating yourself up, I encourage you to take a new approach. Instead of feeling guilty and giving up when those thoughts creep in, stop and pray knowing that God is not mad at you and not expecting you to fight this on your own. Instead, He stands ready, waiting to help.

      I know you are young, but you might try picking up a copy of “Tempted and Tried.” It can get very deep, but it’s some great reading on this whole topic of temptation and how to stay strong in the midst of it.

  9. I am a 14 year old girl struggling with this. I can’t even bring myself to type out the word. I started when I was 12 after reading a sex education book. At first it was only occasionally, but now it’s up to two or three times a day. And now it’s not just things I read or watch, I start to lust for every attractive man I see, and I need help, but I just can’t ask anyone I know.

    • Emily,

      If you head over to my site, you might find some resources that can help you. I know that because you’re 14, your ability to purchase different things is very limited.

      I want to say this, it is not wrong to find a man attractive. We always talk about how teenage boys have crazy hormones. Teenage girls have them too, and you’re likely right at a point where yours are still trying to figure out what they’re doing (fun fact: our hormones often don’t get their act together until our early 20s). So, even just finding a man attractive can lead very quickly to something more than attraction. If you are able to, though, I encourage you to somehow get your hands on a copy of “Sex is Not the Problem: Lust is” by Joshua Harris. It is a great resource, written for teenagers and young adults on this very topic. In it, Josh outlines all the different things we experience that are *not* lust.

      For instance, it is not lust to look forward to having sex.
      It is not lust for you to look at a man and find him attractive. You might even find yourself sexually attracted to him. However, a line is crossed when you start imagining that man in your bed. This all goes back to the comment I left for Angel about how we need to take our thoughts captive to Christ.

      Also worth noting is that being turned on is not wrong. We don’t talk about it much as women, I know, so we can feel bad/dirty when that happens. Like we must have ‘our minds in the gutter’ because ‘women just don’t do this.’ But the fact of the matter is, we are sexual beings just like men are sexual beings. We have sex drives, as do men, and we can get turned on randomly, just like men. Obviously, if you are watching pornography or reading erotica, that is a completely different scenario. Again, I encourage you to head over to my site and take a look at some of the content over there, specifically:

      http://beggarsdaughter.com/2012/11/male-attention-addiction/

      And perhaps the Trigger series.
      If you have any questions, you can contact me on the site. I will be praying for you.

  10. Hi,I’m 19 now and I’ve been struggling with open since I was 12 and I’ve been masturbating about 6 or 7 years old. Then I didn’t know it was masturbation,just thought it was having fun cos it was done with some of my friends around before I started caving in and doing it separately. I came across porn in junior secondary school on a website and since then its been hell braking loose from this addiction as it only got worse and worse . I’ve tried to stop and I can’t,tried talking to one of my female friends once about my masturbation issue but it didn’t help as she made me feel dirty and the help she offered couldn’t do anything to help me stop. Sometimes I’d stop but sometimes I just fall back. I’m now in the university and I’m a leader in my fellowship, I just can’t help it…its hurting me bad and its hurting my relationship with God. Just when I think it’s the last I always fall back,I tried talking to my fellowship president once about the masturbation addiction he was nice and prayed with me. But I still fell. Please I need help,I can’t continue in life like this,I don’t know anyone I can trust that can help me,please help me,please I’m tired of all this . I’m tired of saying I’m sorry to God.

    • Hi there. I’m glad you wrote in, and I hope you can find help and healing here.

      As you’ve already discovered, there’s more to breaking an addiction than good intentions and prayer. Many people find that it takes several years to fully recover, and recovery usually involves a number of things: changes of behavior/habits, support/accountability, and lots of picking yourself back up and going on again toward good health.

      I would suggest finding a support group for yourself as a first step. xxxChurch has online groups. There are also local groups like Celebrate Recovery; you can google “support groups” and see what’s available in your area. Personal counseling can also be a huge help, just having someone to help you process through your experiences and feelings on a regular basis. We aren’t designed to go through life alone; we’re designed to live in community and to bear one another’s burdens. Find some safe people who can help you bear this. You are part of the Body of Christ. It’s supposed to be helping you right now! Let it!

      There are many blogs and other online resources. Here’s an article that has a ton of links for you. I’d also suggest reading Your Brain on Porn, which is about the involvement of brain chemistry in addictive behaviors. It’s not just a spiritual or emotional problem. It’s a physical, chemical issue that needs to be resolved as well.

      Most of all, I want you know that God loves you, completely and fully. He knows you, he understands you totally, and he loves you more than you could ever comprehend. Nothing separates you from that love. Of course you want to live healthy, whole, and free! But God’s love for you is never, ever in question. His care for you is guaranteed. Voices of shame are not the voice of God. He will always speak love to you. The kindness of God is what leads us to change and wholeness.

      Blessings and prayers today, Kay

  11. Hi,I’m 19 now and I’ve been struggling with porn since I was 12 and I’ve been masturbating since when I was about 6 or 7 years old. Then I didn’t know it was masturbation,just thought it was having fun cos it was done with some of my friends around before I started caving in and doing it separately. I came across porn in junior secondary school on a website and since then its been hell braking loose from this addiction as it only got worse and worse . I’ve tried to stop and I can’t,tried talking to one of my female friends once about my masturbation issue but it didn’t help as she made me feel dirty and the help she offered couldn’t do anything to help me stop. Sometimes I’d stop but sometimes I just fall back. I’m now in the university and I’m a leader in my fellowship, I just can’t help it…its hurting me bad and its hurting my relationship with God. Just when I think it’s the last I always fall back,I tried talking to my fellowship president once about the masturbation addiction he was nice and prayed with me. But I still fell. Please I need help,I can’t continue in life like this,I don’t know anyone I can trust that can help me,please help me,please I’m tired of all this . I’m tired of saying I’m sorry to God.

  12. First of all, I appreciate this and other web sites/blogs for even addressing this subject at all. Try bringing this subject up with the church, and it’s usually awkward silence.

    However, this comment made my eyes roll a bit:

    “Talk to women struggling with pornography, and a majority will tell you it is emotional. Somehow, in some twisted way, pornography has provided a sense of community. ”

    While I appreciate you qualifying this with “majority,” it nonetheless reminds me that I’m in an even greater minority of minorities: I was into porn because I like the male body. All this emotional talk, community talk…that’s all so stereotypical. That isn’t the drive for me at all. I like looking at good-looking guys who are in good shape. I like looking at them without clothes.

    It’s really hard to find Christian women who will admit to this. I have found some more worldly women who admit to it, but the minute a Christian woman does, people are in disbelief. “Women don’t look at men in that way!” “Women are only into porn for emotional/community reasons.”

    No, no, no!

    I am not a victim of “sexual abuse.” Actually, men seldom expressed interest in me, and this made me frustrated as an adolescent. The moment I found a guy who liked me in that way, and I liked him in “that” way, we went at it our first date.

    I can’t find Christian women who will admit to admiring men physically. It’s almost like heterosexual lust doesn’t exist among Christian women, except for me. I have found maybe a handful of Christian women who have admitted to it on some form of social media. Their comments are always met with silence.

    I find this…very frustrating.

    This was a bit of a rant, admittedly. But I felt compelled to get it out.

    I’m wondering if I should start my own resource on that aspect of the subject. Surely I’m not one of only a handful of Christian women in the whole world who struggles with it?

    I wonder…

    • Hey Khendra, thanks for sharing.

      I do think there is a real tendency to say men=lust, women=relationship. I think it’s part of the myth of “boys will be boys” and the idea that “men are just wired up this way; they can’t help it.” Also, I think if we admitted that women were broadly capable of lust, then we’d have to talk about why it’s been okay for football players to wear leggings since the dawn of time, but women who just started to wear leggings last year are tempting men to sin… We’d have to have the modesty talk with boys instead of just with girls… but I digress :)

      I don’t think you’re the only one. I just think it hasn’t been culturally acceptable to admit it, especially within Christian circles.

      Speak, sister, and you’ll find your crew who need you!

      Blessings, Kay

  13. I began masturbating when I was 4. I am now 24 and still struggle with it. As a child I didn’t sexually fantasize during masturbation. It was simply a pleasurable sensation that I very much enjoyed. However, I somehow knew it was a private matter so I always did it in secret. My parents had no clue. As I got older the masturbation and fantasizing went hand in hand. I did it every chance I got. Sometimes over 10Times a day especially during my adolescent years. I was never a fan of pornography untill recently. I know how destructive it is but my curiosity got the best of me one day. It didn’t take long to get me hooked. I promised I’d stay away from it but a few days later, there I was again. I’ve enjoyed sex since I became sexually active at the age of 14 and porn is a secret world where I can indulge in private. I hate everything ab it and so I can’t understand y it keeps appealing to me? I hate the way it displays men and women as sexual commodities! I hate the way that it gives men and women an unrealistic and untrue idea of sex. I hate the way it idolizes degradation and punishment. I hate the way it destroys a man/ woman’s sex drive bc one image is never enough! I hate the way it convinces men and women alike that u have to look and act a certain way to be worthy to be lusted after. I hate the way it leaves u craving more and more but can never satisfy! I hate the way it molds ur mind into prioritizing superficial beauty over the inner beauty of a persons heart. I hate the way it has many men and women searching for that “ideal” man/woman or “body type” And yet, when I fantasize or search for porn I search for pornography that is both degrading and humiliating to the woman. One side of me despises it, and a darker side of me craves only meaningless degrading sex. How can I love something I loathe?? And then I hate myself for being able to find enjoyment in something so far from the way sex is designed to be. It is suppoused to be oneness. True intimacy. Yet the type of sex I crave is meaningless and demeaning. Am I the only woman like this?? I’m making an active effort to stay away from porn, sex, and masturbation but it’s more difficult than I imagined. I know God doesn’t want me to engage in “meaning less” and” degrading” sex so I’m trying to rewire my mind to desire the oneness that comes from having sex the way the Lord intended it. However, i’m not exactly certain how to achieve this. I question myself frequently. Why do I crave empty sex?? Why do I want to be humiliated?? Why do I feel I need this type of sex to be happy?? Is it bc I feel that this is what I deserve? Or is it something deeper? I was a stripper for 6years of my life. During that time I focused on becoming a woman to be lusted after. A walking fantasy. That’s how u acquired returning customers. Make them feel loved, special.I didn’t model myself to be like Christ but rather modeled myself to be like a porn star. Eager, submissive and happy to serve! Which wasn’t difficult for me because I have always enjoyed making others happy. Even though these things were detrimental to both me and the men I was catering to I thought I was doing a great deed. I didn’t know Christ at that time. I was certainly treated like an object. Every night men would proposition me for sex and If I declined they would generally respond with something along the lines of “what do u mean no? You’re a stripper!” It was as if some of these men didn’t see me as human. I was something that could be bought just like milk or bread. I was often told I was a Bitch, a whore, nothing but a piece of ass. The sad thing is, I was ok with that at the time bc in my twisted mind I some how saw it as validation. I definitely think that willingly having subjected myself to that industry made me accept being called such degrading things. I learned to love it and to this day still crave this type of language in the bedroom. Though I know it’s not what heavenly father wants. I’m not a whore or just a piece of meat so y do I desire to be called such things?? I began stripping a month after my 18th birthday and have only recently left that poisonous industry. I struggled with quitting for the past few years, since I knew it was not where the Lord wanted me to be. The fast money, drugs, and the male validation I received from that industry made me feel like a queen. Empowered even. That is untill God opened my eyes to how I was more than a piece of meat to be oggled at. How it was wrong for me to prey on men’s lustful desires. I don’t even know how many men I’ve hurt while I was enslaved to that industry. Houndreds, no thousands. I ask God to forgive me for all the men I’ve hurt along the way. I used to think I was doing them a favor. I would tell myself that I was helping them. I kept them company, kept them from feeling the emptiness that they’d otherwise feel if they weren’t there with me. Some of these men were single, some married and kept it secret from their wife. But most of the men felt unloved and unwanted. They had but an empty home to go to. I felt happy to know I was making someone else happy. Even if it was only for a night. But I wasn’t TRULY making them happy. In fact I was making it worse. Because the fulfillment and validation they sought, I wasn’t created to provide for them. Only God can provide these things. I know God can clean my heart. But I just feel alone sometimes. Like I’m the only woman that craves this empty sex. I feel like I can’t relate to other women. I don’t know I just really want help or suggestions as to how I can retrain my mind to desire that sacred oneness of intimacy. Any suggestions would be helpful and appreciated

    • Hey Lydia. First of all, let me say how very brave you are to share your story here. Thank you for honoring us this way.

      I don’t think you are alone in this at all. I’m a counselor, and I’m just going to say that the history you’ve shared here suggests to me that there’s a great deal of personal pain in your background. The early onset of masturbation, the escalation into being sexually active at a young age, moving on into the sex industry–all of these are red flags to me that there’s unresolved pain driving the behaviors here.

      My counseling theory suggests that we get hurt in relationships, and we get healed in relationships. I think you need some truly healing relationships in your life.

      I don’t know where you live, but many major metropolitan areas have support groups for women leaving the sex industry. I live in Dallas, and we’ve got a wonderful ministry here called New Friends, New Life that offers a wide range of services and support to women who need them. I think if you contacted New Friends, New Life–no matter where you live–they’d be able to help you find support in your area.

      Another place you can look specificially for support is personal counseling. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist might be a good fit for you. You can also check the directory at the American Association of Christian Counselors for a counselor in your area.

      You might also find good support at meetings like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

      One of my good friends has a story very similar to yours, and I know these are the things that have helped her be clean and sober for 28 years.

      Blessings on your healing journey, Kay

  14. Hi Kay! Thank you for your kind words. I did go to Christian counseling for a few months and it definitely helped me realize that I had a lot of unresolved pain. I took your advice and joined an saa group that has been very helpful for me. Its funny how much I don’t want to loose my chip even though it’s my first chip hah! I finally joined a small group at my church and am learning how to be open enough so that I may develop these healing relationships that I know I need. God is truly working in me and I am beyond thankful that he pursued me and continues to redeem me thru the blood of the precious lamb Jesus Christ. I also love covenant eyes and have found many of your articles to b a great help to my struggle. Thank you guys so much!

    • Lydia! I’m so glad you’ve found help! That’s so encouraging to hear! Let us know how it’s going, and how we can help in the future. Peace to you–Kay

  15. I knew that the masturbation thing was a common struggle among girls/women, but thought I had to be the only female in a 100 miles who found herself enjoying “good porn” (good as in it has a plot and a romantic setting). I manage to stay away from it when I have a steady boyfriend (a boyfriend tends to keep both my mind and time occupied, and provides an avenue for some measure of legitimate affection like hugging and kissing), but in times that I’m flying solo, it is hard to stay away from it. I try to keep busy, but sometimes it just ends up on my computer screen.

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