“My husband watches pornography, and I want him to stop. Who can I talk to?”

Monday, April 20th, 2009
Written By Luke Gilkerson
Categories: Wives of Porn Addicts

“My husband watches pornography, and I want him to stop. Who can I talk to?”

my-husband1 Pornography destroys relationships, and inevitably, as men start to come clean about their habitual sins, their wives will need support. Whether they’ve known about their husband’s problem for a while, or they have just found out about it, there are many questions that hurting wives need to work through.

- – - -

“What’s wrong with me? Am I not enough for him?” Read more . . .

“Am I the only one who is dealing with this? How have other couples worked through this issue?” Read more . . .

“He’s trying to convince me that watching porn is okay, but I don’t feel right about him doing it.” Read more . . .

“When he watches pornography it feels like he’s cheating on me, but he doesn’t think it’s the same thing.” Read more . . .

“He blames me for his porn use. What can I say to him?” Read more . . .

“Should I be my husband’s accountability partner?” Read more . . .

“I don’t get it. Why does he keep going back to porn again and again?” Read more . . .

- – - -

Their Stories:

Resources:

NANC Directory – Directory of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (certified and trained biblical counselors)
Phone Coaching Groups for Women – Sponsored by Faithful and True Ministries
Heart to Heart Counseling Center – Telephone counseling for individuals and couples in the wake of sexual problems
Weekend to Remember – 150 marriage conferences a year
Pure Intimacy – Online resource offered by Focus on the Family
Porn Addict Hubby and New Life Partners – Online forums for women with porn-watching husbands or boyfriends

Books:

Helpful Advice:

Focus on the Family has an excellent series of articles on “Dealing with Pornography and Internet Addiction.”

Below is a list of recommendations for wives from the ministry of Faithful and True:

You will need individual support (a therapist, pastor, and/or a women’s group) for your healing, just as your husband needs it for his healing. Couple’s counseling is not sufficient for you to find safety and progress for your own issues.
You need to be heard about the pain and loss in your life created from your husband’s sexual sin. While your husband may feel great relief from having disclosed secrets kept for years, you are only beginning to take in the reality of how his secrets and behaviors have affected your life.
Information about addiction will help you understand the depths of this problem. It does not take away feelings you have, but it can help you create a new perception of the problem and understand the kind of help that is necessary for change.
You need full disclosure of the secrets/behaviors that he has been engaged in. To begin to restore trust, you need your husband to be totally honest about his past. We suggest that professional help may be necessary to facilitate this process.
You need to hear as quickly as possible from a professional that you did not cause your husband’s addiction, that you can’t control it, nor can you cure it. He will need a program of recovery to work on the deeper issues that drive his decisions. Your efforts to be more sexual, more attentive, more watchful, more ‘anything’ is not the solution.
You will find healing and growth if you participate in examining your own life. Creating greater emotional and spiritual intimacy with your husband takes both you and your husband to change patterns in your lives.
You may need someone to ‘hold your hope’ while you begin this journey. It can look hopeless and despairing in the beginning. To have someone who has ‘been there’ and ‘made it through’ to greater intimacy is to have a ’hope bearer’ while times are difficult.