- Friday, June 27th, 2008
- Written By Guest Author
- Categories: Member Testimonies, Pornography Addiction, Wives of Porn Addicts Back to Blog Home
A Marriage Restored (Part 1): one woman tells her story about her husband’s porn addiction
by Laura Booz
Part 1: Making a Crisis Out of a Crisis
It couldn’t have happened at a worse time.
After the trauma of preterm labor, a month of bed-rest, and a 3-day long delivery, I was a new mom who had to constantly hold, nurse, or pump milk for our premature daughter. The around-the-clock care didn’t ease up after the first couple of weeks like they said it would. I was so exhausted that I felt delirious. You might know the feeling.
Yet, all this time, I felt a prompting in my spirit that said, Check your husband’s computer. I ignored the warning several times. I felt too drained to admit that Ryan might be looking at pornography while I was caring for the baby or enjoying any moments of sleep that came my way. I thought, I can’t take care of another person’s problems right now; he’s supposed to be the strong one . . . not me! Yet, I knew that in the past, when I had been sick, weak, or occupied with something else, Ryan would struggle more intensely with pornography. Thus far, no amount of disappointment, hurt, anger, conviction, or counseling seemed to solve the problem. The solutions we had tried only lasted until the temptation crept up again.
And yet, the prompting continued, Check your husband’s computer.
When I finally scanned the history on Ryan’s computer, I wasn’t surprised to find some images that he recently viewed. Even though I wasn’t surprised, I did feel freshly hurt and betrayed. I felt the familiar rush of jealousy, of wanting to look intently at every 2-dimensional woman to discover what she had that I didn’t have, what she did that I didn’t do, or what she was that I couldn’t be. I clenched my jaw and set my heart in disgust towards my husband: I hated this man who wasted our time, energy, and resources on lust while I worked so hard to take care of our family.
I held our precious baby in my arms as I sat at our kitchen table and wondered what I should do next. Then it dawned on me, Why should I sit here with a pit in my stomach while he waltzes through the day without a care in the world? I picked up the phone. When Ryan answered, I simply said, “You need to stop looking at pornography.” I knew that he could hear the finality in my voice; I knew that somehow, he got the message that I would not fight this losing battle any more. I hung up the phone, pleased with my concise drama. I wanted him to sweat this one out. I wanted to make a crisis out of this so that it would not be a part of our lives any more.
Five minutes later, Ryan pulled into the driveway and gushed every apology and every “I’ll try harder” he could concoct in an effort to appease me. I had heard it all before. I told him that unlike the past, I would not offer suggestions, solutions, or sympathy. The pattern had always been the same: when I initiated a plan of attack, he never followed through. This time, he had to figure something out that would actually change the pattern. And he had to figure it out himself. I decided to retreat with our daughter to my parents’ home. I needed time and distance to heal, rest, and consider my appropriate response. I needed my mother and my sisters, who would help me to take care of the baby, and I needed a good night’s sleep.
Tears streamed down my face as I packed my bags. In my flurry of mourning and moving, I heard God’s voice in my spirit, “You will not return to the same man. Your marriage will never be the same.” I thought the only feasible explanation was that we would be getting a divorce. I reasoned, Jesus had taught that when a man looks lustfully at another woman, he commits adultery with her in his heart; who could fault me for leaving an adulterous husband? Perhaps, I thought, God is supplying the appropriate excuse and time for me to end a relationship that brings me more heartache and regret than I can handle. I relished the prospect that God had a better man in mind for me. At the time, I couldn’t fathom that He meant Ryan.
Read Part 2
. . . .
Laura Booz is on the speaking team of Pure Freedom, a ministry dedicated to equipping men and women of all ages to live a vibrant life of purity. She attends Penns Valley Community Church with her husband Ryan and her two daughters, Vivienne and Lia. She blogs at 10 Million Miles. For more information about this story listen to Ryan’s testimony on his blog, Grounded.
Thank you for sharing, Laura. I look forward to reading the rest of your journey.
I am looking so forward to reading the next few parts of your story Laura. I divorced my 1st husband after 18 years because he refused to get any help for his addiction to pornograpy, and now I am going through the SAME nightmare again with a 2nd husband who is also addicted to it. Just knowig nowing that there is some hope he might be able to change is a blessing in itself.
Laura I just wanted to say thank you so much for the post. I am a senior at Michigan State University, along with being a minister of the gospel since the age of 16. I say all that simply because I am dealing with this addiction. My Girlfriend and I after two years have fallen from grace and she is now going to have a baby. I believe that the fall was brought on by the lust filled mindset that pornography brings. It hurt so bad to think of how you felt after having the baby, and feeling like that toward Ryan. All I could think of was my girlfriend having to feel the same way. Lastly in the latter portion of you speaking upon what the Lord said to you about Ryan not being the same I cried because it gave me hope that I too as well as my ministry could be restored to the full measure of his call upon my life God Bless you!!!
Pingback: Breaking Free » Blog Archive » A Marriage Restored (Part 2): one woman tells her story about her husband’s porn addiction
Pingback: Breaking Free » Blog Archive » A Marriage Restored (Part 3): one woman tells her story about her husband’s porn addiction
Thanks for visiting our site! You are right, I have found this site beautiful. Thanks for sharing and for the work that you do. May God richly bless you!
http://www.tlc4women.org
Laura,
I was a casual surfer… Actually hadn’t even looked at an “adult sight” for a long time, but I did it again anyway. My wife found out, and because of what I have read, I have a better understanding of her feelings.
I believe I can work things out, but I know her trust in me is gone for a long time. These sights aren’t harmless, and they are sinful. Thank you for helping me achieve a better point of view.
I feel it right now. It has been six days since our “crisis” began and I feel him doing the right things, saying the right things and i realize I can’t believe anything can i? I don’t know if i’m strong enough for this. I don’t know if I want to have constantly check the computer and check the pay per view and check the accounts. I should not have to do this. Yes I love him. I just don’t know how I can live this way till death do us part. I don’t know if I want to. I want to leave this house but I have three kids and no body i could stay with. I don’t have understanding family. I have a wonderful church family but they are far away and I don’t want to impose on them. I don’t want to take my kids out of their home. So then, I want him to go but he refuses to. I hate this. I hate him.
@Jenn – Thank you for your comment. I can’t possibly understand how bad you must feel right now, but I know there are many women who have been through something similar. I highly encourage you to visit our “Struggling” page for wives. There you will find a ton of resources for women just like yourself, including helpful support groups, phone counseling, and books. I hope it at least gives you a place to start.
Jenn (and any other wife who may be facing Jenn’s dilemma), there is a good book available that may help you through the pain and help you gain perspective from a godly woman who walked your path to spiritual healing. I haven’t read the book, but I heard the author interviewed on Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lapine. The book is Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson.
http://www.amazon.com/Hope-After-Betrayal-Addiction-Marriage/dp/0825439353/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=IF9LW2EJT5XSN&colid=1846UKK3KQXMM
Hello, I am inspired and saddened by the stories here on this sight. My story is not one of victory in the sense that God has restored my marriage but one of setting a boundary and moving on…leaving my husband of 23 years along with his womanizing, porn, emotional affairs and who knows what else. I am not without sin myself since I have responded to his womanizing by having affairs trying to confirm that I am beautiful enough, sexy enough and wanted by a man. My husbands involvement with porn has ripped my heart apart, and caused me to totally mistrust the male population. I believe that every man looks at porn and I know this isn’t true (there has to be at least one that doesn’t), I can’t seem to trust anyone.
I have decided that it is better for my husband and I to go our own separate ways. There is too much hurt, too many wounds and I don’t believe he will ever change. I have given my heart to him several times only for him to turn around and cheat on me once again and lie about it as well. As my counselor has told me…it is time for me to live and I have been dead for years trying to do what is right…love my husband unconditionally. But enough is enough and I am taking a stand for myself and my own sanity. Life is too short and I don’t believe that God wants us to endure this forever….
Thanks for listening and for understanding…
Wounded….Raelyn
You are making a big mistake and driving your man away. He needs your unconditional love right now and you do not need tom approve of his sinful actions. But you need to realize that both you and him are sinners in need of God’s grace and power. together you have more power than you will apart. Please consider carefully what you are doing to him by leaving. You can never shame or belittle a man into doing right but you encourage him and walk beside him and love him sexually and generously. Never be his conscience just be patient while God deals with him and never lose hope. A good marriage is not a sprint till things get tough it’s a grueling marathon. God will walk beside you while you walk beside him. Keep on keeping on!
I’m one who has struggled – my entire life. My wife knew it before we got married. I wanted to be a Godly man and thought getting married would solve the “problem”. No! My sin led into unfaithfulness with anonymous women in the early years of our marriage (I’ve never “wanted” another relationship) and she was crushed when she found out.
The discovery of my sin, however, opened the gates of communication and I was able to let go of pursuing sexual affairs, but the porn still held me. The biggest thing that happened was when she stopped “banging on me” and started praying for me. She purposefully chose to forgive me for my unfaithfulness, and God showed her that HE was the only one who could change my heart – and that my sin was a battle against an enemy – not a statement about her. He enabled her to truly forget about my unfaithfulness even as she knew I still struggled with pornography. She just prayed!
The miracle took place when I was arrested many years ago in an adult theater and God dealt with me about my sin & showed me how my hiding and keeping it a secret gave energy to the chains that Satan had wrapped around me.
We have seen so much happen since then. I have still struggled, and at times have fallen, but I have learned the value of having accountability in place. Covenant Eyes reports to her and some men has given me strength to stand in victory even though sometimes the flesh in me screams for porn.
I praise the Lord constantly for a wife that loved me – and HIM – enough to NOT give up on me, and to allow God to change me and use me in His way, and His time. We have an amazingly close marriage and love each other intensely.
We are also amazed at how God has used my willingness to be honest about my failure as a key to unlock the hearts of others who are struggling and hurting with their own pain, fears, and failure.
What truly blows our minds is that most of those that the Lord has given us to love – to see doors opened into the secret pains of their hearts – to see healing take place in them through our love – are wounded women. I sure don’t understand that! It makes no human sense, but we rejoice at the miracle of how God IS love and heals broken hearts through showing His love to others!